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Original poster

Party - Child not invited

267 replies

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:09

My child is very good friends with a girl who lives very close to us. They are both age 9.

This girl spends a lot of time at our house - hours and hours at the weekend- and my daughter and her get on very well and never fight. It is very good for my daughter to have this friend so close by.

the two girls are in the same class in school and play a good bit at school but not always.

my daughter was upset to hear in school that her friend is having a birthday and is inviting about 5 of the 12 girls from the class but not my daughter.

i know that’s just life - and the girl’s parents dont have to invite my daughter- but i feel very offended by this. I have this girl at my house for so many hours every week and happy to watch her if her mum needs to pop out to the shops etc. my daughter also goes to her house but mine is the main house where they play.

its just hard to explain to my daughter as she sees this girl as her best friend and the girl is always calling at the door to play with my daughter.

i can’t imagine doing the same thing in return. I would make an effort to include - but i guess not everyone is the same and maybe i’m too sensitive.

when my daughter asks why is she not invited- its hard to give a good answer as i want to protect her feelings to some extent but also dont want to be running down the friends mother. I just said I understand she feels left out - and all we can do is use it as lesson to how we might treat others.

i feel the friends mum is happy to use my daughter for long periods of playing - but is taking her for granted.

OP posts:
MightAsWellBeGretel · 09/05/2025 12:54

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:18

it is difficult as i am disadvantaging my daughter if i step back from them.

my daughter gets a huge benefit from the hours of playing with this girl - and the girl herself is very nice.

The girl gave an excuse to my daughter about why she was not invited - something to do with the venue- which I know is not true. I imagine the girls mum told her to give this reason if anyone is asking why they can’t go.

Does your DD have other friends?

I agree with PPs and take a step back from this girl and encourage other friendships.

IberianBlackout · 09/05/2025 12:55

She’s 9, I’d just let her ask her friend and see what happens from that.

I would pull back in having her over all the time in case she only wants to be friends with your daughter without other children knowing, for whatever reason. That behaviour should never be enabled. Either she’s a good friend or she isn’t.

Someone2025 · 09/05/2025 12:55

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:20

I think i just feel weirdly upset by this - like the girl’s parents aren’t very nice and are just using my daughter when it suits.

i wouldn’t treat others people this way and go out of my way to try to include where its possible.

Are her parents not very nice?

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Goldbar · 09/05/2025 12:56

OP, I would also feel hurt in this situation but the best thing to do is not cut off your nose to spite your face and focus instead on what is best for your DD.

In your situation, I'd do the following:

  • Encourage your DD to broaden her circle of friends so she's not so dependent on this one friend. Have other friends round to play.
  • Still invite this girl when it's convenient for you and your DD since you think the time spent together is beneficial for your DD. But not put yourself out to help the parents.
  • Make light of it to your DD but make it clear that you think it is odd (i.e. nothing to do with her) - "Oh well that's strange given how much time you spend together, but maybe she has people she has to invite and you have lots of fun things to do anyway."
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 09/05/2025 12:57

@SuperSleepyBaby sorry but I would be telling your daughter not to play with so called "friend" again! dont allow her into your house and dont look after her for the mother again either. let your daughter know all about "what goes around comes around" no party invite for her when your daughter has her party! let you daughter know that she is not to be used!!

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/05/2025 12:58

It sounds like your daughter thought they were best friends but the other girl clearly doesn't feel this way. You can play with someone often but still not class them as a best friend.

It's a very small party and I wouldn't make a big deal of it. Clearly you feel having the girl at your house benefits your daughter too so I don't think you can expect a party invite just because of that but I think it's fine if you decide to rein it in going forwards now knowing where you stand.

I can't imagine at 9 that the mother has decided she can't invite your daughter, it's got to be coming from her.

I'm really sorry that your daughters feelings are hurt.

Lovingthehamsterwheel · 09/05/2025 13:00

Sometimes there are just say 6 places for an activity and thats it, it might be the girl has several friends whose parents are in a group of friends with the girls parent, or have already had expensive party activities where they need to recipricate the invite.
Its a shame your child isnt seen as a best freind by the girls parents, does the girl see your daughter as her best friend, or one of a group of many best friends?
Some kids have multiple best friends and others just one.

HanSB · 09/05/2025 13:00

I think it is rude considering that they spend hours together outside of school so obviously have a close relationship. Does your daughter go to their house? How do they reciprocate play dates? In these circumstances I would be hurt and mention something to the parent. Your daughter is good enough for play dates but not good enough for a birthday party?? Encourage other friendships, don’t let your daughter be so dependent on one friend

dunroamingfornow · 09/05/2025 13:01

Hoppinggreen · 09/05/2025 12:15

It is a bit odd but nobody is obligated to invite any child to a party
I think that as only 5 girls from the class are invited just tell your DD it must be a small party but never mind and move on.
You can be as pissed off inside as you want and maybe you don't do as many favours for The Mum if thats what you choose but kids friendships come and go and are often unfathomable so its best not to get too involved
For example a few weeks into Reception a boys Mum that DS had been at Pre school with put a PA post on FB about her son being ditched by his Best Friend now they have started school. I didn't comment but next time I saw her she asked if I had realised she was referring to DS - no idea since neither I nor DS considered this boy as a close friend at all!
I mumbled something non commital and left asap

That’s insane ! She’s going to find primary school a wild ride

Iwon · 09/05/2025 13:03

Pull back completely, you are being used.
DD needs to know she's better than that.

krustykittens · 09/05/2025 13:03

WimpoleHat · 09/05/2025 12:21

it is difficult as i am disadvantaging my daughter if i step back from them.
my daughter gets a huge benefit from the hours of playing with this girl - and the girl herself is very nice.

I’m not sure - I think you’re disadvantaging her more in the long term by allowing her to think it’s okay to allow others to use you. That’s it’s okay to be convenient for someone else who doesn’t really value your friendship. I would try to broaden her friendship group - have other people round to play.

This. I let far too much slide with other parents in an effort to foster friendships for my children. I regret it now. These people see you as free childcare, nothing more. I would try to encourage other friendships,even if they are further away and are more hassle to organise.

Cognacsoft · 09/05/2025 13:04

It’s a bit like the people at the big house and the gardeners dc.
Your dd is good enough when they want their dc occupied at the weekend but not good enough for a social event.
I’d be finding a new weekend playmate.

Phial · 09/05/2025 13:06

People compartmentalize. Maybe there were five friends from school she wanted that she doesn't see out of school so it would be a bit of a novelty.

Your DD might be her comfort and best friend but when inviting the school friends, she might just not have thought her in that circle.
9 year olds don't always get it right. As a parent I would encourage my child to invite yours but maybe they just let her choose.

If you feel generally that you do more in the friendship than the other parents, then scale it back.

starfishmummy · 09/05/2025 13:07

I'd definitely put some boundaries in for the playdates. Make your own arrangements to go out sometimes, put a time limit on the "hours and hours" she spends at yours. And start dropping comments about yiur child going tomtjeor house sometimes and see what reaction you get.

ilovelamp82 · 09/05/2025 13:08

WimpoleHat · 09/05/2025 12:12

I have this girl at my house for so many hours every week and happy to watch her if her mum needs to pop out to the shops etc.

I would stop this. Or pull right back. More to protect your DD than anything - these people do not regard her as the friend you thought they did. Be polite, but a lot more distant and stop the on tap babysitting…..

This. That's really rude. I would also wonder if I'd just been used as free childcare. Your poor daughter, Please make sure you do something really lovely with her on the day.

Embarrassinglyuseless · 09/05/2025 13:09

Hoppinggreen · 09/05/2025 12:15

It is a bit odd but nobody is obligated to invite any child to a party
I think that as only 5 girls from the class are invited just tell your DD it must be a small party but never mind and move on.
You can be as pissed off inside as you want and maybe you don't do as many favours for The Mum if thats what you choose but kids friendships come and go and are often unfathomable so its best not to get too involved
For example a few weeks into Reception a boys Mum that DS had been at Pre school with put a PA post on FB about her son being ditched by his Best Friend now they have started school. I didn't comment but next time I saw her she asked if I had realised she was referring to DS - no idea since neither I nor DS considered this boy as a close friend at all!
I mumbled something non commital and left asap

Off the initial topic- but she put a public announcement about her 4 year old son’s perceived social slight on Facebook - and then confronted you in person when you didn’t appreciate it was about you and respond to the post? That is utterly unhinged… I suspect she is going to be the most significant impediment to her son’s social happiness… poor kid!

mumuseli · 09/05/2025 13:09

The thing is, many parents are very child-centred nowadays and let them decide things like this (ie who they invite) and don’t question it or push it. So it might actually be that the birthday girl has just decided to invite these 5 other people, not meaning to be a mean girl but maybe for quite a random reason like she doesn’t always get to spend much time with them outside of school. (My DC sometimes has odd logic like this.) & then the parents might be the type to not push for a different choice.

REDB99 · 09/05/2025 13:10

This happened to me. Live on same street, in same class, have the other child over loads, give her tea, take her on days out. She Got invited to my DD’s party and at her party 4 weeks later no invite for my DD. I’ve just pulled back a bit. Of course the girls still play together but I’m much less ‘available’ and have already made a mental note that she won’t be getting an invite to my DD’s next party. Mum said she could only invite 5 kids, I would have added a 6th so as not to offend the neighbour but they obviously couldn’t see that it cause a problem.

Original poster
SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 13:11

the problem is if the girl knocks on my door, my daughter is delighted and desperate to spend time with her.

they both get on very well for hours and hours and have so much fun and are kind to each other.

do i burst my daughter’s bubble and say sorry, you can’t play with her so much anymore.

i can encourage them to play outdoors more so its not as much in my house

not sure really what to do

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 09/05/2025 13:11

Did your DD invite neighbour to her last party?

dimsiaradcymraeg · 09/05/2025 13:12

We had this last year. Lots of tears. As a mum it’s awful to see.

What was clear that while my DD felt as this girl as a close friend, the birthday girl didn’t reciprocate that. We did explain this to my daughter and it was a good life lesson for her.

Personally I felt used as we had the girl over for many play dates which were never returned.

Instead I encouraged play dates with others and cooled off as I wanted my daughter to understand what real friends look like. This girl wasn’t one and as hard as that lesson was, it has helped her development.

sevilleorangemarmalade · 09/05/2025 13:13

I can understand why you're upset and also why you don't necessarily want to stop having this girl coming to play.

Could you build your daughter's friendship circle? It may take a few months. Perhaps you could ask around among the other girls not invited to the party and invite a couple of them over for play dates? Or look elsewhere among neighbours' children or children from other hobbies and activities? Once she has other friends, you can gradually start saying no on occasion to the original child and eventually cut her off.

It's a very stupid thing for her mother to have decided not to include your daughter and there's no other rational concusion except to admit that she's no friend and has been using you for her own convenience.

Original poster
SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 13:13

yes my daughter invited the neighbour to her party - and if she had somehow forgotten to include her friend i would have reminded her and explained why its important for to include.

OP posts:
Itonlytakesone · 09/05/2025 13:14

WimpoleHat · 09/05/2025 12:12

I have this girl at my house for so many hours every week and happy to watch her if her mum needs to pop out to the shops etc.

I would stop this. Or pull right back. More to protect your DD than anything - these people do not regard her as the friend you thought they did. Be polite, but a lot more distant and stop the on tap babysitting…..

Good point this

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/05/2025 13:14

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 13:11

the problem is if the girl knocks on my door, my daughter is delighted and desperate to spend time with her.

they both get on very well for hours and hours and have so much fun and are kind to each other.

do i burst my daughter’s bubble and say sorry, you can’t play with her so much anymore.

i can encourage them to play outdoors more so its not as much in my house

not sure really what to do

I wouldn’t often suggest this… but in this case I’d text the mum!

“Hi X, I wanted to ask about DD and friend, as DD is quite upset at not being invited to friend’s party. I thought the girls were getting along quite well, so wondered if there is something that’s happened that I need to be aware of? Thanks”

Call her out on it!