Party - Child not invited

[SuperSleepyBaby]

My child is very good friends with a girl who lives very close to us. They are both age 9.

This girl spends a lot of time at our house - hours and hours at the weekend- and my daughter and her get on very well and never fight. It is very good for my daughter to have this friend so close by.

the two girls are in the same class in school and play a good bit at school but not always.

my daughter was upset to hear in school that her friend is having a birthday and is inviting about 5 of the 12 girls from the class but not my daughter.

i know that’s just life - and the girl’s parents dont have to invite my daughter- but i feel very offended by this. I have this girl at my house for so many hours every week and happy to watch her if her mum needs to pop out to the shops etc. my daughter also goes to her house but mine is the main house where they play.

its just hard to explain to my daughter as she sees this girl as her best friend and the girl is always calling at the door to play with my daughter.

i can’t imagine doing the same thing in return. I would make an effort to include - but i guess not everyone is the same and maybe i’m too sensitive.

when my daughter asks why is she not invited- its hard to give a good answer as i want to protect her feelings to some extent but also dont want to be running down the friends mother. I just said I understand she feels left out - and all we can do is use it as lesson to how we might treat others.

i feel the friends mum is happy to use my daughter for long periods of playing - but is taking her for granted.

Some parents are swines.

Can you get someone else to ask the mother for you?

I think the mother is taking advantage of you via childcare time, rather than your daughter being used.

Don't conflate the mother and the daughter. The girls are 9 years old. If they want to play with one another, let them. If you find you are ever being asked to put yourself out for the mother, don't.

Exactly

Do you think the mother is sending her to your house so she can get on with other things?
Does your daughter go to her house as much?

I would be super pissed off too OP, my son was always being left out of things when he was young, tbh though it bothered me a lot more than it did him. I think sometimes you need to mentally separate the parent from the child and keep up the friendship with the daughter (if that's what your daughter wants).

My son is much older now and he pretty much has the same BFF as he did since he was 6, his mum was a bloody nightmare and always leaving DS out of things and quite clearly tried to exclude my son, it really annoyed and hurt me but it wasn't her son's fault.

How do you not know if the mother is telling her daughter to go over to The OPs house and play so that it frees up her time to do other stuff……if that’s the case then the OP is helping the mother out

That’s quite an unpleasant take on it.
There’s no suggestion at all that op’s Dd would be an embarrassment at a party, fgs.

OP answered that in her first post.

Honestly in this position I would contact the mother. You daughter can’t advocate for herself & you are clearly just being used for free childcare! It doesn’t have to be aggressive, I would just text something all the lines of “Hi blank, we noticed that blank that hasn’t been invited to blank’s birthday party. She is a little disappointed as spends so much time with blank & they are good friends. Is there a reason why? I don’t want to stop them playing together but I also don’t want my daughter to be left out by someone she views as a close friend”

This is a good text

In your heart of hearts do you think this girl likes your dd? I know you might not see much of their interactions but you must have a bit of an idea? I can tell from the way kids react when they see my dd on the school run,for example, whether they value her.

School parents are funny buggars. The friend's parents could be influencing her for any number of reasons. Could it be parents pushing her not to invite dd? I'd be more lenient with the friend in this scenario as it's quite out of her hands and it's a real shame for them to miss out on a nice friendship because of idiot parents. Yes you might have to do a bit more of the hosting but it's in the interest of dd so that's life.

The other scenario I could see being very possible in this age group is that there's people in the friend's friendship group who don't like your dd. Maybe they're buzzing in friend's ear about not liking her and she feels conflicted. Difficult for the friend and dd but if you're getting this vibe then that's not ok. You need to talk with dd about having self-respect. Friends don't always have to play together but they do always have to be friends. She can't play with dd when she's bored at the weekend but be embarrassed of her at school. DD should be a bit more 'busy' over the weekend if this is the case.

It's a tough age OP and ultimately you aren't there to police it. You need to let dd make her own choices.

I had separate home friends and school friends and never mixed them up.
Perhaps you could suggest to the girls having a small tea party with cake so your daughter felt a bit included? Mention it to the mum and see what her reaction is.

Who are the other girls and is your daughter part of that group? I wonder if it's a situation where the neighbour girl is part of a different friendship group at school and is excluding your dd because she isn't? ( mean as it is...)

The thing is, this parent won’t let her daughter be a good friend, but you are very convenient. I would spend a few weeks planning other activities and inviting a few other girls around. And saying a very genuine no sorry to the other girl or only for half an hour before we go out. But a firm no sorry to every request from the other parents. No sorry we can’t. And so your daughter does ger to see her friend, send her around to theirs a few times. Teach her to take up space in the world, not just accept what comes her way.

Agree... a different situation, but DS did not invite Scout friends to parties where he had school friends, because he didn't want to bounce between two groups, even though he was definitely closer to one or two of the Scouts than to classmates.

I wouldn't, parents have every right to invite who they invite my child will not be invited to all parties neither would we invite everyone

If i received contact over this i would politely mention we invited who was invited we have our reasons

So if it puts her out, she can say no. If it doesn't and its nice for her daughter, she says yes.
What matters is whether she is at any disadvantage, not whether the other mother gets an advantage.

The mother might well just say it's down to the daughter, even if it isn't.

Orrr... the mother might say "I did suggest Jenny asked Katy, but Katy recently fell out with Bella and Bella is going, so Jenny thought it would be tricky"

Again, I really don't see a scenario where it isn't up to the girl turning 10, rather than the mother, especially as the mother isn't trying to stop weekend playing etc. They aren't toddlers, they have some autonomy.

Indeed she might. I think that exact scenario is a bit less likely than the possibility I suggested, mind you. But if you just mean the mother might say something other than the thing I said she might say, then yes, that's what "might" means.

Your daughter isn't cool and you are convenient child care.

Their daughter wants to not be seen with your daughter.

You can choose to be a mug and let your daughter be used or you can ask wtf is going on.

Just keep your daughter busier for a while if you can? Set up more play dates as you don’t mind having children at yours, go to the park at the times she normally turns up, etc. You need to cool this down. Hours and hours without reciprocation is ridiculous.

Wow, thanks, hun, that is brand new information.