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Original poster

Party - Child not invited

267 replies

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:09

My child is very good friends with a girl who lives very close to us. They are both age 9.

This girl spends a lot of time at our house - hours and hours at the weekend- and my daughter and her get on very well and never fight. It is very good for my daughter to have this friend so close by.

the two girls are in the same class in school and play a good bit at school but not always.

my daughter was upset to hear in school that her friend is having a birthday and is inviting about 5 of the 12 girls from the class but not my daughter.

i know that’s just life - and the girl’s parents dont have to invite my daughter- but i feel very offended by this. I have this girl at my house for so many hours every week and happy to watch her if her mum needs to pop out to the shops etc. my daughter also goes to her house but mine is the main house where they play.

its just hard to explain to my daughter as she sees this girl as her best friend and the girl is always calling at the door to play with my daughter.

i can’t imagine doing the same thing in return. I would make an effort to include - but i guess not everyone is the same and maybe i’m too sensitive.

when my daughter asks why is she not invited- its hard to give a good answer as i want to protect her feelings to some extent but also dont want to be running down the friends mother. I just said I understand she feels left out - and all we can do is use it as lesson to how we might treat others.

i feel the friends mum is happy to use my daughter for long periods of playing - but is taking her for granted.

OP posts:
67676767ttt · 09/05/2025 13:28

You have been asked a few times - DOES YOUR DAUGHTER PLAY AT HERS?

JojoM1981 · 09/05/2025 13:29

I'd make your daughter less available for this girl. Arrange play dates with others instead.

PrincessScarlett · 09/05/2025 13:30

As sad as it is for your DD, I can see it from the other side. Girl is only allowed to invite 5 friends and has a wider social circle than your DD so she has chosen 5 friends and not all her friends can go. I don't think you can expect your DD to be invited just because she spends so much time with yours.

However, I totally believe the parents of this girl are using you and your DD. Free childcare on their doorstep. I bet if you didn't live so close to them, your DD and the other girl would not be friends.

You need to stop allowing this child round your house so much and encourage your DD to find new friends. If she knocks for your child, you don't have to turn her away but you should dramatically reduce all the free childcare. Perhaps get your DD to join some clubs or activities to help her make friends and ensure she's not always available when the other girl knocks for her.

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9 year olds Families
Fuzziduck · 09/05/2025 13:30

I’d organise for other children to come round and play.

Hayley1256 · 09/05/2025 13:30

Just ask the mother, you don't have to call her buy just say ' has their been a problem with their friendship that you don't know about as your daughter is upset about not been invited to the party'

SheilaFentiman · 09/05/2025 13:30

The friend is very kind and gets on well with my daughter. I imagine its a decision from her mother.

I really doubt this, at 9. You have said your DD plays less with her at school - if she is in a group of friends at school and your DD isn’t in that group, and the activity is for 6, then it is entirely possible that it was the girl’s decision not to invite neighbour friend and only to ask school friend group

Whoarethoseguys · 09/05/2025 13:31

I think it sounds odd, and it sounds as though they are using you as childcare if as you say the girl spends hours at your house and us continuingly knocking on the door to play. Sadly it sounds as though the girl doesn't see your daughter as her best friend even though your daughter sees the girl that way.
When she asks you why she hasn't been invited I think you should tell your daughter to ask her friend . At 9 she is old enough to be able to answer. And I think you should encourage your daughter to make other friends and widen whe friendship group. Perhaps she could invite other children over for tea and not rely so much on this child.

QuaintPanda · 09/05/2025 13:31

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 13:20

When the girl knocks on the door my daughter answers and rushes out delighted to play. Its not realistic for me to stand there and say no for them playing if we dont actually have other plans

When this girl calls round, can you tell them both ‘you’ll have to play at Emily’s house today’? Find a random excuse if necessary- like you’ve just cleaned the carpets/ need to run some errands or something.

Do you know the girl’s parents? We’ve had twins regularly calling round to play for the last three years without a single invite from their parents. As the boys are kind and play really well with DS, we decided just to go with it. We did wonder why they came so often, though. Turns out their father, self-employed working from home, is an alcoholic. Their mother was sending the kids out until bedtime for their own protection.

tripleginandtonic · 09/05/2025 13:31

You say yourself that your dd gains from her friemd playing at your house. Leave things be, if they're going to be good friends they will be.

SheilaFentiman · 09/05/2025 13:31

67676767ttt · 09/05/2025 13:28

You have been asked a few times - DOES YOUR DAUGHTER PLAY AT HERS?

It’s in the OP

my daughter also goes to her house but mine is the main house where they play.

Berthatydfil · 09/05/2025 13:32

Its likely that its either that your dd thinks of this girl of a better friend than she does or its the mum/you and she has invited children where she is better friends with their mums.

So this is what I would do.
Playdates that your dd wants -yes , but I would be cutting them shorter /reducing the frequency and making other plans for your dd and encouraging other friendships/inviting other children to your home. There is nothing wrong with you modelling a conversation with your child why she isn't invited and help her respond to the possible answers and empower her to say to her that “its not very kind, given she is happy to play with me such a lot”
Favours for the mum -no way

diddl · 09/05/2025 13:32

Well you've been using each other in a way I think.

Mother uses you for childcare but you're OK with it as it makes your daughter so happy.

Surely her bubble has already been burst now she knows she isn't invited.

Will she still be rushing out delighted when the girl knocks?

Whoarethoseguys · 09/05/2025 13:33

67676767ttt · 09/05/2025 13:28

You have been asked a few times - DOES YOUR DAUGHTER PLAY AT HERS?

This was covered in her first post. She said she does sometimes play at her house but normally it is OPs house.

BarnacleBeasley · 09/05/2025 13:34

SheilaFentiman · 09/05/2025 13:30

The friend is very kind and gets on well with my daughter. I imagine its a decision from her mother.

I really doubt this, at 9. You have said your DD plays less with her at school - if she is in a group of friends at school and your DD isn’t in that group, and the activity is for 6, then it is entirely possible that it was the girl’s decision not to invite neighbour friend and only to ask school friend group

I think this - and also that if she is very kind, as you say, then she's probably asked her mum to help her think of an excuse so she doesn't have to hurt your daughter's feelings, and her mum has fed her the line about the venue.

Also, if she wants to come round and play a lot, she most likely does like your daughter, but thinks of her more as a neighbour friend than a best friend.

SheilaFentiman · 09/05/2025 13:37

I truly wouldn’t see one 9, nearly 10
year old knocking to play as “childcare” - it sounds like covering when the neighbour pops to the shops has been something OP has volunteered. There’s no indication that OP has asked similar of the neighbour and been rebuffed. I think talk of being used is way over cooked!

Original poster
SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 13:37

I feel a bit trapped as we live so close - i can’t avoid them playing with each other so much as they both want to and its really hard to avoid it- although i feel like we are being used!

OP posts:
pumpkinpotpie · 09/05/2025 13:38

I’m so sorry OP, I have been in this situation and it is hurtful. In our case we found out about the party because we happened to go to the same venue as the party and lo and behold DS was thrilled to discover all his friends there. He didn’t totally clock that it was, in fact, because they had all been invited to the party of one of his “best friends”. I found it far more upsetting than he did.

I think you have to just rise above it and move on. Treat the girl as you would want your daughter to be treated when it comes to her own party and play dates etc.

Sth08 · 09/05/2025 13:39

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/05/2025 13:23

Just text the mum! Go on, do it.

Hi X, sorry to bother you. DD is a bit upset about not being invited to the upcoming party for X. Is there any issue I need to be aware of at all or anything that’s happened? I thought the girls were quite close so just wondering what to tell DD. I know this is a bit awkward so appreciate your time, thanks x

Totally this! She's 9 and old enough to remember this in future and be hurt by it thinking back. Text the other mum, get some answers for your DD and do what's right for your DD.

I'm surprised with the amount of people on mumsnet who think it's awkward or embarrassing to stand up for their own kids.

SheilaFentiman · 09/05/2025 13:40

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 13:37

I feel a bit trapped as we live so close - i can’t avoid them playing with each other so much as they both want to and its really hard to avoid it- although i feel like we are being used!

In what way are you being used?

The girls clearly like to play with each other. DD thinks neighbour is a best friend, neighbour sees it differently.

Sometimes you cover for her to pop to the shops (stop covering, if you want).

Which part is the “using”?

HeartyViper · 09/05/2025 13:40

DS is also 9 and I find this SO difficult to navigate, and I would be upset by this too.
I get that as they get older you can’t invite everyone etc, and the groups get smaller, but as this girl spends hours with you and DD it’s understandable that not being invited is hurtful. Could you message the mum and say something like : DD is upset by missing out on Arabella’s party, any chance we could arrange a day out?
Hopefully this will get a message across, that you’re hurt and don’t want to be taken for granted?

ButteredRadishes · 09/05/2025 13:42

I'd just...let it resolve itself tbh. Maybe your DDD won't be quite as delighted to play with her from now on ...

anotherside · 09/05/2025 13:42

Very mean and odd of the other girl’s parents. Don’t stop them playing out together but cut down on the playing in your own home where you’re effectively babysitting for the other family.

Swg · 09/05/2025 13:42

It might not be the parents.

I had a school parent hugely offended that her child had been left out of my child's party. I'd given my son a number and let him pick who to invite. Had asked several times if he didn't want Friend on the list and been told "Oh friend is busy and can't come so I didn't include him in the invites"

It was half term. We had limited invites. I didn't question it for a minute until the other parent called me furious and upset. Turned out the boys were drifting apart and my son thought this easier than verbalising "I'm not enjoying playing with him any more".

We had words about the lying but other parent has never forgiven me.

Onelifeonly · 09/05/2025 13:43

You are not being too sensitive OP, but the other parent clearly is not a considerate person. I have a child who was unpopular and I made a decision early on that I would support my child to be as happy as possible. If that meant invites from me with no return, then so be it. I also wouldn't let my dc leave out a close friend or frequent playmate when they were having a party.

I wonder if maybe this girl invited children she rarely plays with out of school (unlike your dd) or those she prefers when at school (maybe the 'cool' girls she wants to be a part of).

It's hard to find out you are good enough when it's convenient but not actually as important to the other person as they are to you.

I'd let your dd make her own choices and encourage her to widen her friendship group. Can she join a club or activity where she might meet girls who don't go to her school? That was something one of mine did and when she got older (secondary) and friendships at school got toxic or difficult, she always had a group of friends to rely on who mostly didn't go to her school.

Genevieva · 09/05/2025 13:43

It sounds like you are the default entertainment when there is nothing better to do, and your daughter’s friendship is taken for granted, not valued.

You could make alternative ways of remaining occupied for several weeks, so that when the friend turns up you can turn her away. Invite other girls round. It takes a bit of work, but it would send a strong message that there are consequences and that your child doesn’t need her.