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Original poster

Party - Child not invited

267 replies

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:09

My child is very good friends with a girl who lives very close to us. They are both age 9.

This girl spends a lot of time at our house - hours and hours at the weekend- and my daughter and her get on very well and never fight. It is very good for my daughter to have this friend so close by.

the two girls are in the same class in school and play a good bit at school but not always.

my daughter was upset to hear in school that her friend is having a birthday and is inviting about 5 of the 12 girls from the class but not my daughter.

i know that’s just life - and the girl’s parents dont have to invite my daughter- but i feel very offended by this. I have this girl at my house for so many hours every week and happy to watch her if her mum needs to pop out to the shops etc. my daughter also goes to her house but mine is the main house where they play.

its just hard to explain to my daughter as she sees this girl as her best friend and the girl is always calling at the door to play with my daughter.

i can’t imagine doing the same thing in return. I would make an effort to include - but i guess not everyone is the same and maybe i’m too sensitive.

when my daughter asks why is she not invited- its hard to give a good answer as i want to protect her feelings to some extent but also dont want to be running down the friends mother. I just said I understand she feels left out - and all we can do is use it as lesson to how we might treat others.

i feel the friends mum is happy to use my daughter for long periods of playing - but is taking her for granted.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 09/05/2025 13:15

I’d actually see it the other way around. The parents only want to host 5 children (which is totally fine btw) and they’ve asked her to choose 5. And she chose 5. Maybe it wasn’t your dd because she plays with her all the time. Or they felt like she was excluding someone at school who would be hurt and they felt your dd wouldn’t feel excluded because they spend so much time together. You have no idea actually how the decision was made, but I wouldn’t automatically jump to them being intentionally mean and horrible without understanding why. If they have a lovely relationship, I’d continue to cultivate it.

SuperTrooper14 · 09/05/2025 13:15

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 13:11

the problem is if the girl knocks on my door, my daughter is delighted and desperate to spend time with her.

they both get on very well for hours and hours and have so much fun and are kind to each other.

do i burst my daughter’s bubble and say sorry, you can’t play with her so much anymore.

i can encourage them to play outdoors more so its not as much in my house

not sure really what to do

You need to talk to your daughter about the friendship being one-sided and then you need to answer the door yourself and tell the girl now's not a good time. Not every occasion she knocks, but definitely reduce the amount of time she comes in. Or suggest they go back to her house for a change.

ShieldMaiden8 · 09/05/2025 13:15

I would be upset too OP. I’d also do as pp have suggested and scale back on the play dates. Sounds like they are just using you as free babysitting, it’s lovely your dd has a friend to play with but the parents are taking advantage of your generosity.

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Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/05/2025 13:16

Either she will rectify it and include your daughter OR if she replies some bull crap excuse you just reply 👍

But then make sure you offer no more free childcare!! Cheeky gits

Original poster
SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 13:16

i am not brave enough to call the mother out - as at the end of the time they technically owe me and my daughter nothing

OP posts:
Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/05/2025 13:17

mindutopia · 09/05/2025 13:15

I’d actually see it the other way around. The parents only want to host 5 children (which is totally fine btw) and they’ve asked her to choose 5. And she chose 5. Maybe it wasn’t your dd because she plays with her all the time. Or they felt like she was excluding someone at school who would be hurt and they felt your dd wouldn’t feel excluded because they spend so much time together. You have no idea actually how the decision was made, but I wouldn’t automatically jump to them being intentionally mean and horrible without understanding why. If they have a lovely relationship, I’d continue to cultivate it.

Nah - as a parent I would make sure to value the friend that I know I get a huge benefit from as a parent. Either she nudges the DD to include her or increases the places.

krustykittens · 09/05/2025 13:18

Does your DD ever go around to their house?And yes, they do owe you actually. You and your DD have been very kind and welcoming and you have babysat for free when this girl's mother has wanted to run errands. Relationships are about give and take.

SuperTrooper14 · 09/05/2025 13:18

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 13:16

i am not brave enough to call the mother out - as at the end of the time they technically owe me and my daughter nothing

Are you going to take steps to reduce the amount of time your DD spends with the friend and therefore teach her it's good not to be a pushover?

Tiddlywinkly · 09/05/2025 13:18

When the girl knocks on, I'd be a bit too busy for a playdate sometimes and try to encourage other friendships.

I may have missed it, but does your daughter knock on at hers?/ Get invited round?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/05/2025 13:18

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 13:16

i am not brave enough to call the mother out - as at the end of the time they technically owe me and my daughter nothing

But if you do it in a way that’s more “is there any issue I need to be aware of” it’s more gentle than just saying “why isn’t my DD invited!”

Be brave for your DD, it may well resolve it!

SheilaFentiman · 09/05/2025 13:20

Depending on the venue/activity, it may be difficult to add a sixth. For example, golf parties where we are require one adult to every five/six children in a bay, so it’s difficult to go over by one.

Original poster
SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 13:20

When the girl knocks on the door my daughter answers and rushes out delighted to play. Its not realistic for me to stand there and say no for them playing if we dont actually have other plans

OP posts:
tigerlily9 · 09/05/2025 13:21

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 13:16

i am not brave enough to call the mother out - as at the end of the time they technically owe me and my daughter nothing

Not really sure what the point of this thread is, in that case. Someone has been rude to you and your daughter and you aren’t prepared to stand up for her. Not sure what you want us to say .

Lindy2 · 09/05/2025 13:21

It does seem very unkind. Your daughter is good enough to play with when there's no one else around but not good enough to be included in a special treat.

You are being used a bit OP as is your daughter, even though she enjoys this girl's company.

I'd push back a bit and suggest they play more at the other girl's house. They still get to spend time together but you're not always the one hosting.

Goldbar · 09/05/2025 13:21

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 13:11

the problem is if the girl knocks on my door, my daughter is delighted and desperate to spend time with her.

they both get on very well for hours and hours and have so much fun and are kind to each other.

do i burst my daughter’s bubble and say sorry, you can’t play with her so much anymore.

i can encourage them to play outdoors more so its not as much in my house

not sure really what to do

Just do what is best for your DD, in each individual situation and more generally.

If she wants someone to play with and this girl is around, win-win. If she'd like to invite another girl to play, then do that instead. Maybe speak to her about broadening her friendship group, but there is zero need to upset your DD by discouraging her from playing with this girl if it's good for both of them.

JamieCannister · 09/05/2025 13:22

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:24

Yes, i dont want my daughter to ever be a doormat and to have good self esteem

its tricky knowing what to do as these people live very close and i really dont want things to be awkward - even though i now thinks they are not very kind.

What is awkward about not being available to babysit unconsiderate parent's kids free of charge in future?

romdowa · 09/05/2025 13:23

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 13:20

When the girl knocks on the door my daughter answers and rushes out delighted to play. Its not realistic for me to stand there and say no for them playing if we dont actually have other plans

Contact the mother and ask her to stop her child calling. Say your taking a break from having visitors at the moment

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/05/2025 13:23

Just text the mum! Go on, do it.

Hi X, sorry to bother you. DD is a bit upset about not being invited to the upcoming party for X. Is there any issue I need to be aware of at all or anything that’s happened? I thought the girls were quite close so just wondering what to tell DD. I know this is a bit awkward so appreciate your time, thanks x

Hoppinggreen · 09/05/2025 13:24

Embarrassinglyuseless · 09/05/2025 13:09

Off the initial topic- but she put a public announcement about her 4 year old son’s perceived social slight on Facebook - and then confronted you in person when you didn’t appreciate it was about you and respond to the post? That is utterly unhinged… I suspect she is going to be the most significant impediment to her son’s social happiness… poor kid!

Show quote history

It wasn't all that dramatic and DS isn't my firstborn so I had kind of seen it all by then. There was no confrontation really and the boys continued to be no more than vague acquaintances all through Primary and then went to different Secondaries.
DS is very outgoing and friends with most people but her DS struggled a bit and she had tried to arrange a lot of meet ups over The Summer between Pre school and Reception probably to try and help her DS when he started but for various reasons they never happened.
I was just a bit bemused to be honest

pimplebum · 09/05/2025 13:25

I would have a small gift and card and give it to child next time she knocks and I’d tell her “xx is really upset she’s not invited as you play here all the time and you were invited to her party “ and hope that’s gets back to parents ( btw just knocking without checking it’s ok with you first is v cheeky )

I personally would go around and hand deliver gift to see if mum feels bad , if shameless then I’d be reconsider all the baby sitting

Wishimaywishimight · 09/05/2025 13:25

I would be tempted to ask the child, next time she is at your house, if she had enjoyed her party 😆

Tiredalwaystired · 09/05/2025 13:25

Dreichweather · 09/05/2025 12:22

At 9 would expect the parents to say you can have 5 friends at the party who do you want to invite rather than parents making the decision for them.

I’d agree with this. The kid has most likely been asked to choose five and your child probably would have been number six. And when asked about it blamed their mum because they were embarrassed.

its kind of one of those things I’m afraid.

cooldarkroom · 09/05/2025 13:26

I agree, maybe the girl wanted your DD, but the mother didn't, or vice versa.
Either way, your DD should decide to 1. Not let it bother her, 2. Decide next bday to reciprocate, or not, in the same way, 3. Your DD should tell this girl that her actions were unkind. 4. Learn that life does & will continue to let you down ....

ilovelamp82 · 09/05/2025 13:28

I think you have to initiate different playdates for your daughter for sure. If you don't feel you can turn her away, let her in but say only for half an hour as you have something to do or somewhere to be so that your daughter gets to play but you're not being taken advantage of for free childcare. But definitely get some different playdates sorted. Starting with the day of the party.

Also, you are not the one who should feel awkward. Remember that, even if you don't feel brave enough to bring it up.

SuperTrooper14 · 09/05/2025 13:28

It's a shame you are reluctant to teach your DD a valuable lesson about knowing her worth and not letting herself be used. Yes, she'll be upset if you intervene in the friendship but knowing what it's like to have a teen DD at secondary, I don't think you're doing her any favours in the long-term if you don't. So, if you're not prepared to turn the kid away, at least say no to doing favours for the mum!