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Original poster

Party - Child not invited

267 replies

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:09

My child is very good friends with a girl who lives very close to us. They are both age 9.

This girl spends a lot of time at our house - hours and hours at the weekend- and my daughter and her get on very well and never fight. It is very good for my daughter to have this friend so close by.

the two girls are in the same class in school and play a good bit at school but not always.

my daughter was upset to hear in school that her friend is having a birthday and is inviting about 5 of the 12 girls from the class but not my daughter.

i know that’s just life - and the girl’s parents dont have to invite my daughter- but i feel very offended by this. I have this girl at my house for so many hours every week and happy to watch her if her mum needs to pop out to the shops etc. my daughter also goes to her house but mine is the main house where they play.

its just hard to explain to my daughter as she sees this girl as her best friend and the girl is always calling at the door to play with my daughter.

i can’t imagine doing the same thing in return. I would make an effort to include - but i guess not everyone is the same and maybe i’m too sensitive.

when my daughter asks why is she not invited- its hard to give a good answer as i want to protect her feelings to some extent but also dont want to be running down the friends mother. I just said I understand she feels left out - and all we can do is use it as lesson to how we might treat others.

i feel the friends mum is happy to use my daughter for long periods of playing - but is taking her for granted.

OP posts:
blubbyblub · 09/05/2025 12:29

Dreichweather · 09/05/2025 12:22

At 9 would expect the parents to say you can have 5 friends at the party who do you want to invite rather than parents making the decision for them.

I would also expect a parent to parent if a dc makes poor choices and explain why their choices were a demonstration of poor behaviour, very mean and the consequences are that people who they spend a lot of time with likely won’t spend time with them anymore.

Samethinghappenedtome · 09/05/2025 12:31

blubbyblub · 09/05/2025 12:29

I would also expect a parent to parent if a dc makes poor choices and explain why their choices were a demonstration of poor behaviour, very mean and the consequences are that people who they spend a lot of time with likely won’t spend time with them anymore.

Show quote history

100% this

My daughter can invite who she likes on the whole, but I'd be strongly encouraging a select few make the list. Then she can have choices

MrsSunshine2b · 09/05/2025 12:32

I'd pull back on this friendship as obviously you and your daughter are being used.

Make plans for the next few weekends so you can say when she calls round, "Sorry, we are busy today."

If the Mum asks you to look after her, I'd probably be honest as say, "X was quite upset to be left out of Y's party, and as such I think it's best the girls have some space from each other whilst she works through this."

It might feel like she is benefitting from this girl's friendship but she's not if it only goes one way.

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Starseeking · 09/05/2025 12:32

Sounds like you and your DD are being used for the childcare and convenience. I would pull right back and stop all the drop ins and outs of your house from this other girl. I would encourage your DD to make new friends from the other girls in the class or from outside hobbies.

BobbyBiscuits · 09/05/2025 12:33

It must be financial then? The mum has had to limit numbers due to cost and she's given her daughter an excuse to offer all those not included. So it does not seem like your child is being singled put for rejection.
She clearly has other friends beyond that five she'd probably wished she could have there.
I'd assume it was that and try and smooth it over with your daughter and just move on.

SuperTrooper14 · 09/05/2025 12:34

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:20

I think i just feel weirdly upset by this - like the girl’s parents aren’t very nice and are just using my daughter when it suits.

i wouldn’t treat others people this way and go out of my way to try to include where its possible.

This is exactly what they're doing. Worst of all, they're encouraging their daughter to be a user too. Have you actually talked to your DD about their dynamic at school? Does this friend exclude her for other friends and only give her attention at weekends because she wants someone to play with?

I would have a very honest conversation with my DD abou seeing the friendship for what it appears to be – i.e. very one-sided – then ease back on the weekend playdates. Start by cutting down the number of hours the girl stays and definitely don't have her over as a favour so her mum can go shopping.

Original poster
SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:34

Its definitely not financial - they have more than enough money

OP posts:
dogcatkitten · 09/05/2025 12:35

Dreichweather · 09/05/2025 12:22

At 9 would expect the parents to say you can have 5 friends at the party who do you want to invite rather than parents making the decision for them.

But if they left off a girl that they played with all the time you would say, why haven't you invited Jenny? You really should because you play at her house all the time and she's sure to be very disappointed. It is a parents role to guide children in making decisions, particularly if you think they are making a mistake and not understanding a situation.

Juiceinacup · 09/05/2025 12:37

I think I would put the same level of effort in as the other mum does, if you and your child are happy at times to host and the children enjoy playing together then keep that up. Ad hoc childcare requests when it doesn’t suit you just say no, rather than feeling obliged because “ they are such good friends “. Also gradually wean your child away from an over reliance on this one friend, as friendships tend to come and go anyway, I’m sure other mums would be happy to make play date arrangements.

Velmy · 09/05/2025 12:38

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:20

I think i just feel weirdly upset by this - like the girl’s parents aren’t very nice and are just using my daughter when it suits.

i wouldn’t treat others people this way and go out of my way to try to include where its possible.

What did the girl's parents say when you brought this up with them?

Original poster
SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:38

The friend is very kind and gets on well with my daughter. I imagine its a decision from her mother.

But if the mother is happy for her daughter to play for hours at our house then she must think my daughter is also a good person? In those circumstances, i would make the effort to include.

OP posts:
MoistVonL · 09/05/2025 12:41

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:28

I know its up to the friend who she invites so who knows what went on with that. She told my daughter she wanted to invite her but couldn’t due to an issue with the venue (which I know is a made up excuse)

if the roles were reversed i would tell my daughter you need to invite your friend as you spend hours and hours in her house playing happily every week and it would be very rude not to invite her- especially when you are close neighbours and in the same class.

She’s having a very small party, so lots of school friends and others won’t be invited.

While your daughter thinks of her as her best friend, perhaps she sees your daughter as a Top Ten friend, not Top Five. It happens.

Don’t take it personally. There are always people who don’t get invited for one reason or another (often money or space) and we’d all drive ourselves mad if we let it affect us too much.

We’ve had parties where we couldn’t invite more that 5 because even leaving one parent behind, we had a maximum of 7 seats in the car: driving parent, birthday child, 5 mates. It was logistics, not personal exclusion.

Build resilience, remind your daughter that we can’t go to all the things we wish we could. It will help her in her teen years if she develops it now.

I wouldn’t be providing free childcare, though. That’s quite cheeky of the parents.

SuperTrooper14 · 09/05/2025 12:42

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:38

The friend is very kind and gets on well with my daughter. I imagine its a decision from her mother.

But if the mother is happy for her daughter to play for hours at our house then she must think my daughter is also a good person? In those circumstances, i would make the effort to include.

I think you're being a little naive in your thinking, OP. If the girl really, really wanted your daughter at her party, it would happen. No parent is going to upset the birthday girl by banning her BFF. In other words, they are not BFFs. Your daughter is second tier and the mother is happy for her daughter to play for hours at yours because it's easy childcare. Who wouldn't want hours of child-free time at the weekend to get stuff done?

MakeItToTheMoon · 09/05/2025 12:42

@SuperSleepyBabyAre you friends with the girls mother? Or does she just send her daughter over? Therefore just using you and your DD as easy childcare.

And if the mother has selected 5 children for the party, is it possibly that she is doesnt think you or your daughter are on her level/ class? (If that makes sense).

Shelby2010 · 09/05/2025 12:47

Does your daughter play at her house at all? Or is it you doing all the work?

LolaJ87 · 09/05/2025 12:47

I would have to say something to the parents in your shoes @SuperSleepyBaby. It can be done politely, and maybe even framed as another poster suggested "DD was very hurt about not being invited to X's party so I'm not sure if she was planning to call around but I think it might be a good idea for the girls to have some space this weekend". I just couldn't let my child be upset and excluded by another child who was so frequently in my home.

Cattenberg · 09/05/2025 12:48

I was in a similar situation, in that a mum on our estate was more than happy for her DD to have play dates at our house, but soon stopped reciprocating. For a short while, I carried on with the play dates for DD's sake, but got sick of being taken for a mug and stopped.

The girls are still friends. They see a lot of each other at school and sometimes bump into each other at the small neighbourhood playground. And DD has befriended another neighbourhood girl whom she plays with more often.

Jinglebellesrock · 09/05/2025 12:49

It seems(I may be wrong) that they are more of "at home" friends rather then school friends?
Are the other girls school friends or home friends?
Is your daughter friends with the other girls?
Has she been invited to parties before?

Either way it's not nice of the mother/girl not to invite your daughter especially when she spends so much time in your home. I would start cutting down on the amount of time she spends at your house. Especially as the mother seems to use you for free babysitting. Is there a reason they don't go to the friends house so often?

ZanzibarIsland · 09/05/2025 12:51

They don't have to invite your dd, but equally you don't have to host for hours and hours and also do babysitting. I wouldn't say anything but maybe scale back the hosting and babysitting.

Agrumpyknitter · 09/05/2025 12:51

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:18

it is difficult as i am disadvantaging my daughter if i step back from them.

my daughter gets a huge benefit from the hours of playing with this girl - and the girl herself is very nice.

The girl gave an excuse to my daughter about why she was not invited - something to do with the venue- which I know is not true. I imagine the girls mum told her to give this reason if anyone is asking why they can’t go.

I understand your point of view but in my opinion you’re showing your daughter that she’s not that important or valued by continuing to play with this girl, as if nothing happened. The mother also doesn’t value the friendship or she would have invited your daughter to the party. I would be encouraging my daughter to pull back a bit for her own self esteem. We all have to deal with disappointments throughout our life to become resilient as adults but we also do need to value ourselves in all our relationships.

nottheplan · 09/05/2025 12:52

I absolutely would cool contact a bit. I wouldn't have her back in my house, she needs to know that she can't treat people like this in life and get away with it. No more using your dc for her toys and time. If the dcs want to play you can let them play in the garden. If the child asks why say because it's summer now and you want them to spend time outdoors. Give as good as you get. A rubbish explanation (re the venue) deserves another similar explanation 😉

WearyAuldWumman · 09/05/2025 12:52

ZanzibarIsland · 09/05/2025 12:51

They don't have to invite your dd, but equally you don't have to host for hours and hours and also do babysitting. I wouldn't say anything but maybe scale back the hosting and babysitting.

Agreed. Definitely scale back.

We had family members who were quite happy for us to go out of our way for them, but didn't reciprocate. We learned the hard way.

Neodymium · 09/05/2025 12:53

It sounds like this girl is very popular and your dd is not. Likely she is embarrassed to invite her with her other popular friends.

I had a friend like this in preschool. Gosh I’m 42 and still remember. Our mums were good friends and she would come over all the time and we would go there. She was popular and outgoing at kindy and I was shy and awkward. At kindy she didn’t want to know me. When she would come over we would be best friends. It really hurt a lot.

Someone2025 · 09/05/2025 12:54

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/05/2025 12:09

My child is very good friends with a girl who lives very close to us. They are both age 9.

This girl spends a lot of time at our house - hours and hours at the weekend- and my daughter and her get on very well and never fight. It is very good for my daughter to have this friend so close by.

the two girls are in the same class in school and play a good bit at school but not always.

my daughter was upset to hear in school that her friend is having a birthday and is inviting about 5 of the 12 girls from the class but not my daughter.

i know that’s just life - and the girl’s parents dont have to invite my daughter- but i feel very offended by this. I have this girl at my house for so many hours every week and happy to watch her if her mum needs to pop out to the shops etc. my daughter also goes to her house but mine is the main house where they play.

its just hard to explain to my daughter as she sees this girl as her best friend and the girl is always calling at the door to play with my daughter.

i can’t imagine doing the same thing in return. I would make an effort to include - but i guess not everyone is the same and maybe i’m too sensitive.

when my daughter asks why is she not invited- its hard to give a good answer as i want to protect her feelings to some extent but also dont want to be running down the friends mother. I just said I understand she feels left out - and all we can do is use it as lesson to how we might treat others.

i feel the friends mum is happy to use my daughter for long periods of playing - but is taking her for granted.

That’s bizarre, what the hell do they think they are doing
Are you just providing ‘childcare’ for this girl or does she choose to spend hours and hours at your house every week?
If she does I would think of calling her mother and politely asking her what is going on as you thought the 2 girls were friends

TheAmusedQuail · 09/05/2025 12:54

It's difficult. Parents form opinions about other children, who is a 'suitable' friend and who isn't, that differs from actual friendship. It's really sad. It is very hypocritical though that they allow her to spend hours at your house (so seeing you as a suitable and safe environment) but not good enough to get invited to a party.

Someone on Mumsnet a while ago said that by the time they get to secondary age, the parents will be a lot less invested (and a lot less able) to police their children's friendship groups. But when they're younger, the parents are more involved.