Very short boyfriend

[Uncomfotablyshort]

My boyfriend is very short, really short, about 4 in shorter than me and I'm not exceptionally tall.

In every other way he is perfect for me and he loves me in a way that makes me feel secure like no one else ever has. His height doesn't bother me when we're alone together, but in public or with friends it is all a bit uncomfortable. He likes to show affection and will put an arm around my shoulders or hold my hand and it's all feels a bit awkward, because he can't reach or it feels like holding a child's hand. Even a quick peck is weird because he can't really reach.

Alone together on the sofa, or in bed it couldn't be better!

What's the solution?

The uncomfortableness you are feeling has a name - it's patriarchy. It's sexism. This is all part of the cultural expectations for men to be big and tough and strong.

Tyrion Lannister and Cyrano de Bergerac as played by Peter Dinklage - deeply sexy characters, and much shorter than your bf.

Men don’t need to read these threads. When they create their own, seeking advice, they’re treated very shabbily. I, for one, find the unfairness and hypocrisy really tedious.

I don't for, a minute, think the poster complaining about double standards was a man.

Op this is so much the right way to approach things.

Truthfully these things matter less as the years pass: the feeling of how do we look as a couple isnt really a thing so much once you are 9 months pregnant and can’t walk elegantly or both hunched with age!

Moreover, no one is perfect. I’d far rather have the perfect guy in compact form than a philandering Adonis

But I do get it; I like a six foot man if I’m honest! Just tell him you don’t like pda and it will draw less attention to it.

I have been married for 20 years to a fellow who is shorter than me. I understand what you are saying.
We don’t look like a romance advert. It isn’t comfortable for him to put his arm round me for example. It is a bit like being left handed in a right handed world.
We more often hold hands or put a hand on the others knee if sitting. We lean against each other on the sofa. We have our style of affection in public.

I once dated a taller girl (I was 18 at the time), bearing in mind I am 6', and she was 6'2, and I found no issue with it. Admittedly I did get some sniggers when I was kissing her on the train on my tiptoes, but she didn't notice.

As others have said, this is often a non-negotiable with many women, which is sad. I feel for the mums who have short sons, knowing all the 'dump him, I couldn't handle this' comments are on their son's futures. This is often considered a 'standard' for many women, but boob size (just as arbitrary) is considered shallow/cringe.

To the OP, its a tricky one as if you highlight it, he'll think you're ashamed of him. If you leave it, then it's 'internally awkward', and you can't really "surprise, I bought you some shoes with heels" either! I think this just needs to be accepted as one of his quirks (per sé), as he no doubt overlooks some of yours, as everyone does in any relationship!

When they start threads where though? On a platform mostly used by women? Why ask for advice there particularly?

Personally, I think you should try and get over it. I totally agree that it's ok not to find something attractive ( in your example being short) however you don't feel that way about him in private , only public. So I don't think him being short is the actual issue, it's more that you care more about what other people think. If you could get rig of that " embarrassment" and really not care about what other people think would you stay with him ? I would work on that rather than ditching the guy.

Why not? As MNHQ has made clear many times, this isn’t a women-only platform. They may think it useful to gain women’s perspectives, which seems perfectly reasonable to me.

My DH is about 5’5 and I’m 5’7. When we first met I did have some concerns about it but TBH all of the attraction we have to each other in every other way totally outweighs the height thing. If you are both attracted to each other, get on well, laugh at the same stuff etc etc. then his height is irrelevant

And then complain because women have “double standards” and accuse them of not giving the exact same advice and comments they would give another woman?

I echo this.

I'm 6ft and I aren't attracted to men shorter than me

Well, yeah. As @tallguy6 mentions, women stating they favour, or will only accept, taller partners is very common, and accepted. A man posting about his preference for large breasts, which is equally valid, would be treated very differently. I don’t think this is fair, and I’m entitled to that opinion, as you are yours.

For some reason it completely escaped me just how small he is.

Googled his name and 'height' came up as one of the search options so you know it's a topic of conversation. He is 5'5" apparently. The first image that comes up is him being dwarfed by Taylor Swift (she is 5'9", then add heels).

I’m 5ft8 too and I think this is the crux of it - it’s about how it makes ME feel much more than whether or not the man is attractive.

Having said that, I always thought height would be a dealbreaker but I ended up marrying someone about half an inch shorter. It’s never really an issue but I’ve completely stopped wearing heals because they make me feel big and unattractive next to him. The only exception was our wedding day when I asked him to wear shoes with hidden lifts so that I could wear a low heal and us still be the same height!

I have dated men who were a bit shorter than me (maybe 2 inches shorter) and I didn’t really care. I realised that decent men are hard to find, and a lot of shorter men are “overlooked” (excuse the pun!) and stay single, or flood the dating sites.
I’d rather a decent short man than a less decent tall man.

@MemorableTrenchcoat but isn't it equally common for men to say they're only attracted to "petite" women or women who "look after themselves" ie. Slim women?

I am fat curvy and accept that less men find that attractive; and that's ok. You only need one good one!

OP hasn’t gone on to a male dominated forum to post this though and that makes a big difference.

i wouldn’t be attracted to a man who was shorter than me, but that’s ok. I also wouldn’t be attracted to a man who was really overweight. Or covered in tattoos. It’s also ok for a man to have physical preferences too. My DH is 5.10, I’m 5.4. It’s ridiculous but he seems quite short to me because all my previous BFs were over 6’.

OP it sounds like you really like him so getting over the weirdness you feel will come in time.

If you really like him and you’re willing to, there are a few things you could try. You seem to have open conversations about this, so first I’d suggest to him that he grabs you by the waist instead, kiss your shoulder/neck, link arms (sounds old fashioned but it can feel quite nice).

You might want to give heels a miss every now and then, if you wear them regularly, if that’s something you’d be happy with.

For pictures, or when he has his arm around your shoulder , you can try leaning into him, lower your head towards his/his shoulder, you put your arms around his waist. These kind of things will make you (seem) shorter and might feel more comfortable. Experiment and see what (if anything) works for you.

Wait wait wait. I'm not sure about this narrative developing that height is a woman's non-negotiable. It is hard to date when you are a tall woman. Tall women are a hard no for plenty of men both short and tall. Less commonly, short women can be a hard no for some tall men. I've turned up to plenty of internet dates with men around the same height as me or only an inch or so shorter and have watched their faces fall. In one case the guy, who had said on his profile that he was 6' and who was in fact about an inch shorter than me at 5'8 (not, actually, a deal-breaker for me, though I was surprised by the instantly obvious fib) accused me of lying about my height because I was "obviously at least 6'1" (I am and always have been 5'9", and I never wear heels), and ended the date early.

By and large men and women expect that if they're not the same height the man will be taller.

I’m tall- nearly 6ft- so in the past insisting on partners being taller than me has been somewhat limiting. My dh is almost exactly the same height but if I wear heels I’m taller!

I’ve had shorter boyfriends and yeah it is a bit odd. It wouldn’t be a show stopper for me though, a 5ft10 female friend has a 5ft5 husband and they make it work.

Whatever you do, please don't make any comments to him about it. I'm female had a comment from an ex about my hands being too small and childlike to hold comfortably and it has stuck with me to this day!

I would think twice about the prospect of having children with him though as any sons would likely be below average height if you are both very short and that could lead to issues for them.

If someone’s not for you, they’re not for you. It’s unlikely you’ll really get past this if you’re bothered enough to post about it. I maybe wouldn’t tell him it’s because of his height though… if you do end it, maybe just say that you want to be on your own.

This, for me 6’5 would be a dealbreaker though as men that tall are usually very skinny and their heads look oddly small. I prefer an average height and stocky build, I couldn’t be with a skinny man. Or you could just say no PDA as you don’t like them.