Working parents: tell me about your life?

[MossLover]

This is not meant to be snarky in any way, and I apologize in advance if it comes off that way. I am genuinely curious but also socially awkward.

Between my recent post and the (probably fake) one about OP’s DH wanting her to get a job, I’ve noticed a lot of…Negativity? Towards SAHPs. I’ve seen multiple people say essentially the same thing, that they think working parents do everything SAHPs do, but also work jobs. So I’m just curious as to how that can be possible, and was wondering if you could tell me:

Are you single or partnered? (If separated, what’s the custody situation?
What are your working hours like?
What age are your children, and who cares for them while you are working?
How much quality time do you get with your DP and children?
What is it like if you get sick? (Do you actually get to rest?)
How do you go about feeding your family? Do you often eat out/carry out? How much time do you spend cooking, and what kind of meals do you make?
How often do you grocery shop?
How much sleep do you get on average? How much exercise?
What size is your home? Do you have a garden to maintain?
Do you have pets, and if so, what kind?
Do you have a chore schedule? How often do you do laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, tidying, lawn care, etc.? (I know somebody’s going to say “as often as it needs doing,” which is not a particularly satisfying answer)
(if this applies) How do you put multiple young children to bed at night? (Cuz mine takes forever; I couldn’t imagine having more than one!)

Thanks in advance!

@MossLover You are quite correct that I don't spend much time on home decor and the garden. On the other hand I pick up my own dog poo and don't have massive grounds so have to walk her daily. If you're struggling it's fine to say you need a simpler, smaller life.

You apparently don't have time to watch TV but you have time to post on here so you clearly do get free time to start threads and respond to comments.

No different to the rest of us really.

Occasionally I find myself stuck charging my car, waiting for DD to fall asleep, or in my car waiting for DD to wake up from her car seat nap.. If I’ve already paid off all the credit cards and made all the outstanding phone calls, I might come here to mumsnet for a bit.

Like I said, no different to the rest of us.

The thing is, a lot of SAHP don’t do everything you do either. You’re using your own choices and circumstances to generalise to a SAHP vs WOHP point. I know a SAHP who had a normal sized house, with a normal sized garden, no pets, a cleaner AND a live in nanny. She also was “very,very busy” but let’s face it , she did a lot less than most parents(working or not).

What did she say she was busy with?

She’s probably not the norm though. If we’re trying to figure out the average SAHP here, it’s probably not going to be someone with a nanny or a cleaner. The whole point of a SAHP is to take care of the house and kids, so that the WOHP can focus on the financial provision, and so that the responsibilities are divided equitably.

It doesn’t make sense to me to think that there’s all these working parents out there that are okay with working full time while their SAH spouses do nothing or very little all day; I would think the majority of them would find value, equal to WOH, in whatever the SAH spouse is doing at home.

I’m trying to understand what you’re saying here, because at first it seemed like you were insinuating I spend a lot of time on mumsnet instead of tending to other responsibilities “just like the rest of [you],” but when I explained that it’s only on occasions when I am forced to be idle that I come here, you also responded with “just like the rest of us”

Do “the rest of [you]” have lots of time to spend here (and on things like watching TV), or do “the rest of [you]” only have time for mumsnet when you’re forced to be idle?

Through the years I’ve been both. I preferred being a stay at home mum out of the two. I should also add I’ve been a single mum for much of my working mum part.

As a SAHM - easier to keep routines with children. More patience as more time to take things slow. Less rushing about. No childcare costs. More time to book in appointments, do shopping, cook meals and have fun. House not necessarily tidier as everyone in it all day but cleaner as more time to do deep cleans. Time to grow veg etc as this can be time consuming. Able to utilise good weather for washing, days out etc. Less pre-planning.

Disadvantages - can be relentless when children are little and they need you for all their needs. Can get lonely if you haven’t got family or a good friendship group.

Working mum - I feel more rushed, mixed priorities, guilt that can’t give them full attention. Shopping is delivered and often rushed so don’t get best bargains. House is messier as too tired to keep on top of it after a 10 hour day. Less able to be spontaneous. Too tired to give them as much support with school as I would when a SAHM. Meals are less planned and often resort to quick options. Less time for me after work, chores, children. Can’t grow veggies and keep chickens etc as out of house too long.

Basically everything gets done eventually but less well than it did when I was a SAHM.

Advantages - can pay rent but as my wage is low I probably don’t have a much better lifestyle than if I wasn’t working. Do enjoy work friendships.

Im much happier at home doing home things though and before I had to work full time I wrote novels that I’d hoped to get published.

@MossLover I’m struggling to understand why you’re questioning all this. Admittedly, I haven’t read the full thread, but your last message has me really confused. Most people get downtime I could choose to use their downtime however they feel or however they choose. This morning I woke at 7 o’clock and I lay in bed until eight. I got up at 8 o’clock. Put on a wash load Got myself a cup of tea and some breakfast and got back into bed and read my book, then heard my youngest DS get up so I went down to check on him, 20 minutes after that I went down and I offered him breakfast. I made porridge, I hung out the washing. Then I sat down with a cup of tea outside. After that I came in and I made some roasted vegetable soup did the washing up. Went in and woke up my DD. Brought her in a bowl of breakfast. And now I’m sitting down on the couch, trying to figure out what I’m going to do with the rest of my day. What are you struggling with?

You keep going on and on about how busy you are but you clearly have downtime just like the vast majority of people do, otherwise you wouldn't be able to not only start threads on here but keep up with it and respond to the comments too.

Are you single or partnered? (If separated, what’s the custody situation? Married
What are your working hours like? Both full time DH teacher, I am SE work 2 nights and the rest days
What age are your children, and who cares for them while you are working? 8 and 6. Now school but used to be nursery
How much quality time do you get with your DP and children? Weekends are sacred
What is it like if you get sick? (Do you actually get to rest?) nope
How do you go about feeding your family? Do you often eat out/carry out? How much time do you spend cooking, and what kind of meals do you make? Batch cook and always eat together. No junk.
How often do you grocery shop? Twice a week
How much sleep do you get on average? How much exercise? Exercise daily. Sleep could be better
What size is your home? Do you have a garden to maintain? 3 bedrooms and small garden
Do you have pets, and if so, what kind? No but we look after my mums dog a fair amount as we love him
Do you have a chore schedule? How often do you do laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, tidying, lawn care, etc.? (I know somebody’s going to say “as often as it needs doing,” which is not a particularly satisfying answer)
(if this applies) How do you put multiple young children to bed at night? (Cuz mine takes forever; I couldn’t imagine having more than one!)
I usually cook and do lawn as I genuinely like those jobs so bagsie them. The rest is shared.
Bedtime is shared. DH does more overnights as he is a night owl! All school holiday childcare is his responsibility

You’re not the average SAHP either though. That was my point. You have this big list (and some of it is faffing let’s face it) of things you do/must do and how no WOHP would work and do as much as you. The thing is, neither would most SAHPs, because you’re an outlier not the norm.

I'm struggling to understand what @MossLover wants to achieve with this thread.

Why do you want so desperately for people to agree that WOHM don't do everything you do? Why does it matter to you if they do or they don't? How does it devalue your work if a random stranger you've never met thinks they work harder than you do? How would it improve your life if people on the internet thought you worked harder than them? Why do you seek validation in this way?

If you aren't happy with the recognition and respect you are, or are not, getting from the work you do, you need to ask yourself why you're not happy. Is it guilt because your not working outside the home? Is it jealousy because women who continued their careers after having children are getting more external recognition than you? Does your partner not respect the contribution you make? Do you resent the mundanity of your life? Do you wish you had more free time?
Whatever the problem is, you won't find the answer by trying to diminish others.

And, as I said earlier, how would it help your mental health to know that you work harder than everyone else? Would it be helpful knowing that you spend time wiping your kitchen surfaces and hanging up your partners clothes on colour-coordinated hangers when other mums are out enjoying their free time? I doubt it.

Of course, if your purpose in starting the thread was to start a WOHM/SAHM bunfight then a) it hasn't really materialised and b) shame on you.

But I do everything as I am the only parent in the house. Who else do you think is cleaning my house, picking up the dog poo, doing laundry? Do I spend 8 hours a day cleaning after my 10 hour work day? Absolutely not, because who the hell needs to clean 8 hours a day? You're doing it wrong if you are spending 8 hours cleaning DAILY. I would hate being a SAHM as it's drudgery and boring but I think being a SAHM is worthy work so I'm not jealous or think that it's a bad choice, but I'm just not sure other than childcare what you think you are doing that I'm not.

You have already said that you have 2 days childfree which most people would absolutely love. I don't understand what's taking you all that time (and yes I've read the full thread) - half an hour to sort and fold a load of washing for 3 people is just ridiculous.