Working parents: tell me about your life?

[MossLover]

This is not meant to be snarky in any way, and I apologize in advance if it comes off that way. I am genuinely curious but also socially awkward.

Between my recent post and the (probably fake) one about OP’s DH wanting her to get a job, I’ve noticed a lot of…Negativity? Towards SAHPs. I’ve seen multiple people say essentially the same thing, that they think working parents do everything SAHPs do, but also work jobs. So I’m just curious as to how that can be possible, and was wondering if you could tell me:

Are you single or partnered? (If separated, what’s the custody situation?
What are your working hours like?
What age are your children, and who cares for them while you are working?
How much quality time do you get with your DP and children?
What is it like if you get sick? (Do you actually get to rest?)
How do you go about feeding your family? Do you often eat out/carry out? How much time do you spend cooking, and what kind of meals do you make?
How often do you grocery shop?
How much sleep do you get on average? How much exercise?
What size is your home? Do you have a garden to maintain?
Do you have pets, and if so, what kind?
Do you have a chore schedule? How often do you do laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, tidying, lawn care, etc.? (I know somebody’s going to say “as often as it needs doing,” which is not a particularly satisfying answer)
(if this applies) How do you put multiple young children to bed at night? (Cuz mine takes forever; I couldn’t imagine having more than one!)

Thanks in advance!

I actually cannot think of a single thing a SAHP to school-aged children does, that a working parent with school-aged children doesn't do.

Babies/toddlers yes. Inevitably if you are playing at home there is more mess to vlean. But even then, you've said yourself you put your DC in school 2 days a week to "attend appointments" so you've got 2 days holiday every week!

I’m not sure if I’ve misunderstood, but if you’re always doing housework when are you doing childcare? Surely the point of SAHM is childcare and if you have time for some housework then great. I don’t see how having a parent staying at home is a get out of jail free card for doing any housework or childcare.

Blimey, the Spanish inquisition.

Ha yes! With 2 days a week your child is in school you basically have 2 days ‘holiday’ every week.
I also cannot think of a task that a SAHP does that a working one doesn’t do. We make 3 meals per day, so the washing, tidying up, cleaning, take kids to hobbies, wash up, clean kitchen, all the school admin etc, and do this on top of an 8-10 hour working day.

I wfh full time (m-f, 9-5, then an on-call rota in addition) as a social worker.
DH works f/t.

DC 9 & 5….. one with SEN.

DC9 gets herself ready in the morning and I get DC5 ready. School is a very, very short walk. DH feeds the animals while I take DC to school.

As I wfh I try to be productive in my lunch break if I take one…. putting laundry on etc. I try to get groceries delivered as I struggle to find time to shop.

I collect DC5 from school and then he has a babysitter here until I finish work. DC9 goes to after school club and DH collects her when he finishes work.

I cook, DH cleans up after. I put DC5 to bed and DH put DC9 to bed. By that time it’s 9pm. If we have energy we stay up together and chat or watch tv, sometimes go up to bed early and either read or have sex.

DC5 usually relocates to our bed at some point in the night.

We have minimal time to ourselves or as a couple. DH has a sport he does, I don’t. Weekends are a mix of trying to get on top of the house and spending time with DC.

That’s a lot of questions OP 😂 but as I’m holed up in bed struggling to get comfortable with a pregnant belly, here we go!
Are you single or partnered? Partnered
What are your working hours like? Mon-Fri 8.30-5pm (although currently on AL every Friday). Partner works 9-5pm
What age are your children, and who cares for them while you are working? I have a 16 month old and another on the way. He’s at nursery Tuesday-Thursday and my partner and I have been splitting annual leave on Mondays and Fridays to care for him at home
How much quality time do you get with your DP and children? Quality time with my baby every minute he’s at home, trying to make the very most of it before the second arrives! He is reliably in bed asleep by 7pm every evening so partner and I spend quality time together from 7pm most nights
What is it like if you get sick? (Do you actually get to rest?) as mentioned I’m currently pregnant so feeling poorly more than usual. If he’s at nursery it’s fine, if it’s the weekend I can rest as partner will take over with him. If it’s a day I’m at home with him I’m screwed 😂
How do you go about feeding your family? Do you often eat out/carry out? How much time do you spend cooking, and what kind of meals do you make? We order a takeaway every Saturday and other than that my partner or I will spend 30-40 mins cooking each evening during the week. I also slow cook a fair bit so will often throw something on at lunchtime without any faff in the evenings
How often do you grocery shop? Grocery delivery every Friday and a midweek top up shop (Sainsbury’s and Aldi within a two minute drive!)
How much sleep do you get on average? How much exercise? 6-9 hours per night depending on which of us is on duty with little one! 30 minute walk each day with the dog
What size is your home? Do you have a garden to maintain? 3 bedroom, pretty big garden but astroturf so low maintenance
Do you have pets, and if so, what kind? One dog, maltipoo
Do you have a chore schedule? How often do you do laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, tidying, lawn care, etc.? (I know somebody’s going to say “as often as it needs doing,” which is not a particularly satisfying answer) we organise who does what every Sunday evening and split it throughout the week. My home is always clean and tidy and laundry always under control, but we’re very lucky that we both WFH so do it here and there throughout the week
(if this applies) How do you put multiple young children to bed at night? (Cuz mine takes forever; I couldn’t imagine having more than one!) only one for me (so far!)

Hope that helps 😊

Obviously WOHPs do housework and such, but the VOLUME of work is markedly different than that of most SAHPs, so it diesn't make sense to say that WOHPs "do everything that SAHPs do" in addition to working.

That would be like me saying if I work one OH weekend a month, I do "everything" WOH parents do in addition to full days of housewifery.

I assure you, the two days a week DD is in school are NOT like holidays for me. They are "catch up on as much housework as possible and maybe go to the gynecologist or some other appointment" days.

I tend to do both at the same time, mostly, which generally makes things take longer. I'll get up with DD and get her fed and hygiened, and do housework during, and then we'll turn to our daily lessons, and then afterwards more housework with her "assistance." After lunch, we might get out to the gym, woods, playground, pool, museum, library, etc. for a couple hours, and then she'll either do some some independent playing or "help" me cook dinner. Then we clean up and go through our bedtime routine and do some tidying during, and I'll do a bit more housework after shes gone to sleep, if it's not terribly late.

But is that not because there’s less housework to do if the kids aren’t at home? So really it’s a false equivalence. We’ve been at nursery today while I worked so I cleaned down the kitchen sides and hoovered after breakfast and dinner, and cleaned up the same bag of mega blocks 3 times but if we’d been at home I’d have had to do more as we’d have generated more mess.

Even being out, and DP working a long shift, I’ve still walked the dogs twice, cleaned the bathroom, put on then hung out then put away a load of laundry, hoovered the kitchen twice and whole house once, mopped wooden floors, changed DD’s bedding, done both kids bedtime, made the packed lunches for tomorrow and done a full work day. Oh and DD2 is going through a sleep regression and as she is still bf will only settle for me, which means I was awake 2-4.45am last night and on our 3rd wake up already tonight. So maybe I’ve done less housework than you, but it’s not a case of just working then going to bed with time for hobbies in between and I’d say the addition of 7.5 hours work more than makes up for slightly less chores!

It's really not.

If you only worked one weekend a month you wouldn't be expected to do a month's worth of work in that weekend. You'd only do 2 days worth of work in that weekend.

WOHMs might have a bit less tidying to do as there's no additional 9-5 mess, but still need to load the dishwasher twice a day, washing daily, wipe/sweep kitchen, sweep/hoover downstairs, bathrooms, cook, tidy, get lunches ready, sort kid stuff and life admin.... Everything a SAHP does but less toy tidying from the daytime. And if the children are school age then there isn't anything a SAHP does that a WOHM doesn't do.

I've done both.

@MossLoveruntil you can say what tasks you do that a working parent doesn’t then I’ll just have to assume that it just takes you a lot longer to do household chores than it takes me.

@MossLover you appear to have created a life where you have full days of ‘housework’. If you want to be a SAHM and probably a full time housewife when your DD goes to school then as long as your finances and your partner support that decision that’s no one’s business but your own and other people’s opinions don’t matter.

you give ‘daily lessons’ to your toddler, have redecorated your home in a style that’s incredibly time consuming to maintain and difficult to keep clean (you just know the average household doesn’t have living moss draped over their furniture and a permanent display level dining table), you have colour coordinated clothes hangers. These are choices you have actively made but they are not comparable to the vast majority of SAHMs or WOHMs.

From an outsiders perspective you appear to have carefully curated a lifestyle that requires you to be at home and working on your home constantly.

That’s sad OP. It sounds like you’re finding SAHM life really difficult/overwhelming and not enjoyable. I found once I went back to work (3.5 days a week so literally half time) my work-life balance was so much more enjoyable. Once DD starts school in sept ‘26, you can bet I’m going to be doing whatever the hell I want on my 2 days at home by myself.

OP, it sounds like you have a lovely life with a big house, multiple pets and the luxury of time to yourself. You are lucky, enjoy it.

The answer to a lot of your questions is, you do the housework quicker because you have to or you skip it if pushed for time. I work in a demanding job that I love, have two lovely children who have their moments and have many after school activities, i
like to cook decent meals for them, I devote extra time to particular subjects they’re finding hard, plan and make the most of our time together. We have a bigish house as well. I volunteer once a week. My husband is good at sharing some things but I do the bulk. I am exhausted at times but I am so lucky because many people live in very difficult circumstances and get on with it. Many people work harder than me and get so little back.

So OP, think to yourself, if you have the luxury of having staff, having pets and spending lots of time with your child, enjoy it but don’t think parents without all that luxury are going to think you have as hard a time as they do.

What’s this about moss? And dining tables?

You're missing the whole point of the post. I'm not "spreading my chores out over a day," I'm doing things that need to be done, as fast as I can, pretty much all day long, because my individual circumstances dictate that there is literally that much work to do all of the time.

Good grief woman! Why would you do that to yourself? What an utterly miserable life it sounds - doing all the things that need to be done, as fast as you possibly can, pretty much all day long because there is just so much of it. All day, every day. Working your fingers to the bone beavering away so much harder than everyone else.

Chill out! There are no prizes for working so hard unless you are in paid employment (and even then it's barely ever worth it). No one on this thread is thinking "Gosh, I wish I could work as hard as MossLover". No one on this thread is thinking "My life's dream is to work harder".

And certainly no one is thinking "Gosh, I wish I had three dogs that shit so much around my garden that I had to employ someone to pick it up". (Sounds utterly grim - just pick it up straight away and dispose of it. Don't leave it lying around to attract flies and spread bacteria - urgh! And yes, I have a dog.)

If you were actually winning at life, your post would be about how fabulous it is to be a SAHM. Your "Please join me in my pity party and tell me how hard I work" plea suggests you're very unhappy or insecure, or both.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5321369-dh-mopes-because-he-says-i-get-angry-every-time-he-expresses-a-feeling?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

This is quite an illuminating post from that thread. I was shocked about the husband’s insistence on the OP hanging his clothes on particular colour-coded hangers (she says later in the thread that he gets irritated if they’re not hung up this way). I think that little fact, the size of the house and land, and the lifestyle choices (so many plants that need tending!) explain why the OP struggles with her SAH workload.

Daily routine

Well yes, but most WOHP's have to fit gynaecologist appointments around their working days and do the cleaning after work? 2 full days in the week without children? That would be like gold dust for lone parents that work full time!

You have to clean the mess you've generated during the day but come on, it doesn't take the average person all day everyday to keep a house clean and tidy. Just stop, calm down and watch TV for an afternoon.

Enjoy the privilege of being able to stay at home with your child in your lovely big house and garden. If you aren't enjoying it, find work and employ your housemaid everyday if you need to. Comparison is the thief of joy.

I'm also curious why gynecology appointments were your go-to example. I don't know anyone who regularly goes to a gynocologist. Maybe the odd appointment after a specific symptom, but regularly that it's a notable recurring appointment for your 2 days off?

I have PCOS and my periods are hella irregular. They’ll come maybe 2-3 times a year without intervention, and that increases the risk of uterine cancer. I have to go and make sure I don’t have massive cysts (like I did when I was 16, to which I lost one of my ovaries) and get prescribed progesterone to induce withdrawal bleeding.

But I did pick the most un-fun kind of appointment I can think of. Sometimes it’s the PCP or the vet or the paediatrician

Again, you missed the point. People who WOH aren’t doing 8+ hour shifts at work and then coming home to do 8+ hours of housekeeping. (They probably don’t have that much housework to do, and those who are partnered share the work.) They might do an hour or two, or a full day on the weekend, as people have mentioned. Some of them hire cleaners if they can’t (or don’t want to) get to all of it themselves. They also don’t do full-time caring for their DCs, as they utilize child care (or school, if they’re that age.)

But not everyone has that little housework to do, and most of the time SAHP are busy with caring for their children and housework, yes, all day long. They’re not dragging things out, kicking back, or making up work to do; there is literally that much to do all of the time. There is no reason to minimize it or make assumptions lust because WOHPs might have less to do at home.

Like I said, I’m not complaining. Much of what I have to do at home is a result of mine and DH’s personal choices— Do we need to have so many pets and plants, a large home and garden, elaborate home-cooked meals, the decor, daily lessons for DD, etc.? No. But my family enjoys those things, and so I happily do the work necessary for us to have them…it’s just never all done. I can’t tell you the last time I even watched TV.

Again, the point is, WOHP don’t do “everything” that SAHPs typically do in addition to working, just as SAHPs don’t do everything WOHP do in addition to full time home upkeep. Neither are lazy or unoccupied, they just have different responsibilities. I don’t know why some people are so resistant to accept that.

I'm really not sure what the point of those thread is nor why it is still going on. Your coming across very holier than thou!

Of course people who work full time can still have an immaculate house and raise their children. It sounds like you just do a lot of faffing and probably should learn how to be more efficient.

There is no way I would want my DD growing up thinking she can't work and have a family as I know she will find having a career very fulfilling.

I don't think there is any thing with been a SAHP but to say there aren't parents who work full time and still run a busy household well can't do it as good as a SAHP is ridiculous!

I'm a teacher so get 6 weeks a year to "play" being a SAHM. There's no way that housework takes 8 hours a day. If it does, you're doing it wrong. The 6 weeks holidays are the easiest of the year. 1-2 hours a day of housework (including washing etc). The rest is fun time.

Staying in does mean a little more work tidying up than usual, but the pay off is getting 2 loads of washing done in a day.

Reading your posts you either live in a 18 bed mansion, or you are inefficient. How you need someone to pick up dog poo is beyond a luxury?

Your posts come across as very smug and thinking you understand a WOHPs life, but you clearly have no idea.

I'd also love to know how your washing takes half an hour per load when you have a drier? Mine occasionally takes that long if I have a lot of small bits to hang out.

The more you post, the more inefficient you sound.