Working parents: tell me about your life?

[MossLover]

This is not meant to be snarky in any way, and I apologize in advance if it comes off that way. I am genuinely curious but also socially awkward.

Between my recent post and the (probably fake) one about OP’s DH wanting her to get a job, I’ve noticed a lot of…Negativity? Towards SAHPs. I’ve seen multiple people say essentially the same thing, that they think working parents do everything SAHPs do, but also work jobs. So I’m just curious as to how that can be possible, and was wondering if you could tell me:

Are you single or partnered? (If separated, what’s the custody situation?
What are your working hours like?
What age are your children, and who cares for them while you are working?
How much quality time do you get with your DP and children?
What is it like if you get sick? (Do you actually get to rest?)
How do you go about feeding your family? Do you often eat out/carry out? How much time do you spend cooking, and what kind of meals do you make?
How often do you grocery shop?
How much sleep do you get on average? How much exercise?
What size is your home? Do you have a garden to maintain?
Do you have pets, and if so, what kind?
Do you have a chore schedule? How often do you do laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, tidying, lawn care, etc.? (I know somebody’s going to say “as often as it needs doing,” which is not a particularly satisfying answer)
(if this applies) How do you put multiple young children to bed at night? (Cuz mine takes forever; I couldn’t imagine having more than one!)

Thanks in advance!

I think my teen is an anomaly as most are bloody messy! But I am of the opinion kids need to be given jobs when they are older and earn pocket money that way. I also have a younger child who likes to make a mess but it doesn't take long in the evening to pick up his lego ect. I don't think sahp are lazy but you probably have a more relaxed life, less rushing around. I work part time so get the best of both worlds. I think most parents that work full time share the load and get everything done this way this includes housework, cooking and taking kids to clubs.

I'm happy to report that despite working full time, I did pet my dogs, filled a water bottle (multiple times!), and my house is sparkling clean. Not sure kicking rocks will be in the schedule for this evening though, so maybe I don't do all that a SAHM would..

I hope you have the day you deserve and that people treat you the way you treat others.

@Neverenoughbiscuits

I’m not being patronising. I don’t get the balance right. I’ve been PT too and it was infinitely easier. I don’t think the op realises the tone deaf nature of their posts. Being a SAHM is an absolute luxury that many can’t afford. It’s actually offensive to talk about day to day jobs taking so long when many women do them in addition to a full day at work. Many don’t have the choice to spread them over a day. I can’t spend hour folding washing as I need to work to provide for family. I’ll get my tiny violin out.

My youngest is nearly 16 and eldest 26 now so just have the youngest 2 at home. I've work all through their lives , remember the days where childcare ate my wages but I knew it wasn't forever.
Currently I do bank work as a youth support worker my days vary, somedays I start at 9am for 24 hours. My near 16 and 18 year old are at home with my husband and I just pick up one of those a week , I pick up 2 x 9 to 5s and that is my absolute limit. In the past I've burnt myself out and now I have varied mobility due to a degenerative condition.
I have a minimum of 4 days off , if I just want to work a 24 hour shift that week I have 6 or 7 days off. I still feel useful and make plans for my time off. I get a armed forces pension for my condition so that is an advantage and I realize I'm very privileged. I do intend to finish completely at 60 though so putting extra in my pension and also I'll get a decent army pension unrelated to my health then too.
I've worked full time from 16 and this works for us as a family and I also enjoy what I do which is also great. I've also been in the position of working non stop and having little to show for it so I think I also appreciate our set up a lot more x

But some of it IS faffing around. Probably because you have the time to do it and some of it is a choice.

I used to spend a couple of hours decorating DD’s doll house for Christmas. It was faffing and it was a choice, it wasn’t a chore or proof that I do so much more than a WOH parent.

OP I have just nearly fallen off my chair with boredom at reading the long list of your painstakingly carefully conducted tedious to the extreme domestic chores. I say this with kindness but you need to get a life. Life really is too short to fanny about like this. Oh my lord.

It's all about preparation, schedule and sometimes a lot of stress! When we both worked FT before his new job it was a case of one of us drop off at 8am breakfast club then pick up after school club. We realised this was too much for DC so limited it to certain days.

My DH began to wfh so he started to take in and collect at normal times, or I would if I could. I had to leave the house by usually 7.30am, he doesn't need to login til 9am. Time to get DC up and sorted by getting up at 6.30am or he will do it as I'm leaving, depends on how it goes.

Chores...he gets time during the day to do bits, likes to be active after sitting at a computer all day. I will sometimes be home by 5pm, other times much later. We spend evening time all together, part of which is cooking from scratch and freezing. Weekends are free for us both so have time to do family things, clean, laundry etc.

It's been difficult at times, when DC or us ill, not sleeping well etc. Work is a big chunk of the day but evenings are free after 5pm usually so plenty of time? DC at nursery or school, so many of us do manage it. Never had a cleaner or gardener, just do things when you can and try to keep on top of it all.

Single Parent. Have been all of my child’s life and have worked for all of it (except for standard maternity leave).
Full time work 40 odd hours a week.
Own house and car.
Child at school now.
I go to the gym in my lunch hours 3/4 times a week. See my (fairly new) BF once a week ish.
Weekends, I take my child to their hobbies and do all my housework/shopping etc..
I don’t have time for hobbies as such, but I get a babysitter if I want to go out to the theatre/ cinema etc ..
It is perfectly manageable but can be hard work.

White vinegar mixed with water in a spray bottle @MossLoverit cleans anything and gives glass a lovely sparkle. You don’t end up with limescale spots or streaks if you don’t let the water dry into the glass or taps, If you wipe/squeegee it off straight after showering. You don’t need to worry about cleaning chemicals in proximity of your DC if you use the vinegar and water solution. Theee are loads of very effective natural cleaners you can use that are better than cleaning sprays. Half a lemon in a cup of water, microwave it for a minute then wipe the inside of the microwave and it takes away any grease and grime, an open pot of bicarbonate in the fridge absorbs any smells, a paste of bicarbonate and water cleans up grout or hob tops lovely.

She's certainly not wrong that there is so much negativity towards SAHP. Every thread ends up the same with working parents professing to do all do the same things but they work as well.

Personally I think society has moved too far in the direction of requiring two working parents just to survive. Add that to the massive expectations that are placed on parents, mothers in particular, then it is no surprise that we have a mental health epidemic. We have undervalued the role of a SAHP because it makes us feel the need to defend our own lifestyles.

I can totally appreciate that a SAHP can be busy all the time. They take more time and do the tasks to a better standard because of it. For instance, diet and nutrition is very important to me and I try and cook from scratch. This is certainly something which was (and still is) compromised by me working. I simply do not have time to plan, buy and prepare a varied, balanced and nutritious diet to the standard I would like with the time that is available to me. Instead, we eat a lot of the same, one pot dishes which are often carb heavy because that is quicker to cook and more portable when you have committments in the evening too.

Conversely, I'm also glad that I work; for the financial freedom, the fact I get to use my brain and to interact with other adults.

The negativity comes because they can’t help themselves from making comments like “you don’t do as much as me” , “who looks after your children” and other stupid rubbish , plus never ending lists that include smelling flowers, putting shoes off, turning lights off and taking a package in as an example of “look what I do all day!”.

There’s never negativity on threads from reasonable, down to earth SAH posters.

I was both a SAHM and a WOHM so I’ve got no axe to grind.

Exactly !!!

I am widowed and have been for four years.
I have no extended family whatsoever as they are all deceased. Yes really.
i used to work 40 plus hours a week but due to health and traumatised teenagers ive gone part time. 27 plus hours
I.do.everything myself
Cleaning, cooking, washing,meal planning, shopping, car maintenance, driving, the garden, sorting bills, taxi service for the dc, walking the dogs, coping with 4 dc, 3 of which are adhd/asd (admittedly 2 are adults but still rely on me) grandchildren

and still work on top of that.

i also ave adhd, kidney disease, heart problems, arthritis.

the only time I have to myself is a couple of hours twice a week. I crochet to wind down although I’m mostly too tired for that. I live in an 3 bed semi. My youngest are teenagers now and that comes with its own troubles

i dont mean this horribly but id love to be a SAHP. I was one years ago when I was with my ex (dd2 and 3 dad and I had it easy back then

I am a single parent, DC to to their dad's EOW. I work full time and have wrap around care (kids club, grandparents) for my children after school (they are both primary age), I get quality time in the evenings with my children playing games, watching TV, and cook them dinner most evenings (if they haven't had it at wrap around care). I cook normal dinners, chicken stir fry, spaghetti bol etc...(although DC2 has Arfid so generally have to make them something different). I shop once a week.

I have a 4 bed detached house which needs endless cleaning as my children seem unable to keep anything clean and tidy. I do a load of washing each day. I put one to bed whilst the other one reads - they take it in turn who goes first.

I don't get any time to myself much before 10pm and sometimes manage to fit in exercise once a week but I walk my dog daily. My children have seemingly endless after school activities that I take them to as well, I usually have to work whilst doing this. I sleep probably about 5 hours a night and survive on coffee.

Oh and if I'm Ill I just have to get on with it - there is no one to pick up the slack at all. If the kids are sick I would WFH and take care of them whilst working.

Married
Teacher - work 4 days per week. Husband has compressed hours and does a full time role in 4 days (roughly 7am-4.30pm). We each have one week day with our son.

One child - 18 months old. We each look after him one day per week, he is at nursery 2 days per week, at grandparents 1 day per week.

All weekends, most evening, and more time in the school holidays.
If I'm sick Husband takes over, and visa versa.

I meal plan, and do one main shop per week. We might nip to the shop for more milk/bread/snacks but not too often.
I cook for us all most evenings. The 2 days a week that he's a nursery, we have a 'grown up meal'. This is usually something that the toddler wouldn't eat - seafood or something spicy etc.

Sleep usually between 7-8 hours, depends on the day. We each give the other a lie in at the weekend to help us get some extra hours in!

We each do a sports hobby once per week. It gives each of us exercise and social time in one.

4 bedroom, detached, decent sized garden.

No chores schedule, we're both adults. If you see it needs doing, do it. When my husband works from home he's likely to but a wash on, hoover etc in the day. I tend to pick up more cleaning jobs in the holidays and at weekends. Dishwasher is put on most days. Hoover through downstairs every 2 days. Deep clean the kitchen once a week.

Bed time routine starts at 6.20 with a snuggle and milk, then a bath, teeth, pjs, story in bed by 7. We split this up. I do milk and snuggles, husband does bath, I do story and putting to bed. Toddler is usually snoring by 7.05.

Typing this out i realise that I'm very lucky. My husband is a fantastic team mate, and Dad. I get updates on their day together (whilst I'm in work!) they play and go for coffee dates and have a wonderful time. It's beautiful to see their relationship.
I have no idea how single parents do it.

I have a friend who cleans her clean house all day and so is always busy. You’d get along

Single
work 1 day a week
university 2 days a week, plus home study/work on top normally 2 days a week at the moment
clean as and when on a quiet day or sometimes adhoc in the evening
Kids with their dad every other weekend
Yes pets
Occasional gardener
Nornally squeeze one exercise class in a week
Kids get themselves to school and back as old enough
When married I worked 4 days and did all school runs and clubs but didn’t work school holidays.
kids now do a couple of clubs which I share with their dad depending on the day.
Normally see my partner 1-2 times a week depending on how busy we are. Would be nice to be more but life is busy!

Live with DP and DS.

I work Mon-Fri, 9-5, hybrid 4/5 days at home, flexible on hours within reason. DP is out of the house 7:30am-5:30pm most days.

DS is 11. Either me or DP take him to school. This year he started walking home himself (just over half a mile). I'm at home when he gets back, albeit just to say hello and offer a snack before I'm back working. If DP can't be home early the day I'm in the office I leave early and work the rest of the day from home to make sure he's not alone after school.

Before I had a job that was so flexible DS was picked up from school and stayed at an after school childcare place until one of us could collect him. Unfortunately it closed down as I would much rather have him spending a couple of hours with other kids than sat in front of a screen until I finish work.

Quality time together, there's only really Friday night I have a few hours to myself. DS plays a lot of sport so we spend a lot of time together travelling to and from venues. It tends to be weekends we do things. We had Easter weekend away but then spent the rest of my time off work the week after just sat around the house wondering where the time went.

If either me or DP is sick we try we try to leave the other to rest.

In terms of eating, we got into the habit of eating takeaways quite often, which we knocked on the head. Now DP does a weekly shop (she says it's easier without us) and she plans meals for the week. Sometimes she makes it, sometimes I do. We still have a takeaway once a week but it's more of a treat than a habit.

DP has started doing a daily exercise. I have a sports session lasting an hour or two a week. We used to go to the gym before DS came along. Thinking of getting back into that but right now I think I'd struggle for time.

We live in a 3 bedroom terrace. It is quite a lot to keep maintained. No garden to maintain really. I have plants in a 1m x 5m strip of garden and some pots in the yard. Keeping the yard clean is about as difficult as it gets.

No pets. DS had some mice. I used to help him clean it up, he would never have done it himself. We occasionally dogsit. We thought about getting a dog, spending as much time as I do at home I think it would help get me out for walks. It's a big commitment though.

Chores, I do the clothes washing and drying most days. We tend to just iron clothes as we need them. Dishes every day (no dishwasher). Empty bins a few times a week. We try to keep the place tidy through the week and spend a bit longer at weekends cleaning. For a little while we did have a cleaner who would come in for a couple of hours a week, but I didn't really like the idea.

Just one DS. To be fair he's always been really good at bedtime, although at his age I would just go to bed. He needs reminding where his PJs are, a glass of water, tucking in and a kiss on the head.

DS and I have a lot of shared hobbies, a lot of crossover with DP too. I only really have the few hours a week when I go to play sports as time to myself, which, when I spend so long at home by myself, I don't really mind.

You're missing the whole point of the post. I'm not "spreading my chores out over a day," I'm doing things that need to be done, as fast as I can, pretty much all day long, because my individual circumstances dictate that there is literally that much work to do all of the time.

WOHP have different circumstances for themselves that cause them to desire and/or need to WOH, but also that means less housework for them (e.g., splitting housework with their partners, utilizing additional childcare, having school age children/children old enough to partially care for themselves and meaningfully participate in housework, smaller homes or fewer pets, batch cooking and/or making simpler meals, hiring help, etc.) Sometimes things get sacrificed. You can find evidence of this in this thread from those who have answered all the questions.

Some WOHP are assuming since they work and only do a couple hours of housework a week, that SAHP must only have a few hours' work to do as well, which makes no sense if you think about it-- Who would work full time and allow their partner to contribute that little support and value to the relationship? Surely the working partner would expect more from the SAH partner ?

Yes, it's a privilege to be able to choose between WOH and SAH, but that doesn't mean SAHP have little to do all the time. That's not to say one group works harder than the other, or that there aren't lazy individuals of each group (see: that one post where the SAHM's DH wants her to get a job because she spends a ton of time helping her friends and family, and thinks they would need to hire a cleaner, and the one PP here that said she couldn't be bothered with housework when she was SAH, for example.) There's just no reason to generalize, judge, or make assumptions.

But the thing is op WOH parents don’t just do a couple of hours a week housework and that’s it.

if you read my post you will find that as I’m widowed and have no extended family at all I have to do far far more than a couple of hours a week. I do EVERYTHING.

I come home from work at six and then have to do my second shift in the house. So from 6 till around 10 or 11 I’m still on my feet (I do a manual job) doing all the things I can’t do in the day, I don’t have a partner to tag team with or a helpful parent to help me mow the lawn. My dh is dead and my children’s bio dad abandoned them years ago.

last night I came home and cooked dinner, washed up, admittedly dd ran the hoover round upstairs and emptied the bins but that’s not very often, mowed the lawn, walked the dogs, quickly tidied up, put coolant in my car, folded washing. I can’t catch up on the weekends barely because I’m taxi service for the kids hobbies and I’m watching young grandchildren. It’s relentless

I've done pt work with a lot of travel, sahm and now full time. I found sahm easy but unrewarding. I definitely had a lot more free time.

There's not really a point to your post and to people answering all your questions.

You are not really trying to engage and understand all the hard work that working parents have. You are just answering from your high horse stating how you clean better and do it so efficiently yet are busy all day doing things that working parents do when we get home from work, and still cook, bathe the kids, read stories, do homework, house and life admin, etc.

You are not answering from a place of empathy, you just want to point out that you are somehow better when in reality you are just lucky or are living off benefits. Every answer you do, it's like you're trying to win, when people are just kindly answering your long list of questions.

Also, what's that with your comments about "outsourcing", like you're trying to minimise or trash our choice (for some is not a choice though) of going back to work and having to use childcare.

If your Choice is to be SAHM then own it, deal with your future consequences and stop criticising other moms that have much more work than you do. I don't have a problem with SAHM but I don't like the patronising, the fact that many of them are trying to push at every step that they are better mothers than you. And I'm not a keyboard warrior, if I met you and you tell me all this BS, I would tell you to your face the same thing.

I work part-time and have DD2(about to turn 3) at home three days. On August she will add an extra day at nursery and I will have a whole day to myself with no work or children! I will not be doing chores

We have a cleaner so during week we do minimal chores really. She does proper hoover and mop, bathroom clean etc so DH and I just do day to day stuff like laundry and dishwasher, set the robot hoover off. We split everything though, I think he’d feel uncomfortable not doing any chores as he was brought up to do his own washing, clean, etc. We never really discussed it, we just naturally found a dynamic that seems to work, I try get stuff done during day, if I can’t then it’s done by one of us another day. He doesn’t expect house to be spotless on my non-working days, or even expect anything done really. Sometimes we are out all day anyway. We just do what needs to be done between us in different amounts day to day and week to week.

We don’t really have ‘roles’. We both parent and live in our homes and share the work associated with both, whatever that is.