Working parents: tell me about your life?

[MossLover]

This is not meant to be snarky in any way, and I apologize in advance if it comes off that way. I am genuinely curious but also socially awkward.

Between my recent post and the (probably fake) one about OP’s DH wanting her to get a job, I’ve noticed a lot of…Negativity? Towards SAHPs. I’ve seen multiple people say essentially the same thing, that they think working parents do everything SAHPs do, but also work jobs. So I’m just curious as to how that can be possible, and was wondering if you could tell me:

Are you single or partnered? (If separated, what’s the custody situation?
What are your working hours like?
What age are your children, and who cares for them while you are working?
How much quality time do you get with your DP and children?
What is it like if you get sick? (Do you actually get to rest?)
How do you go about feeding your family? Do you often eat out/carry out? How much time do you spend cooking, and what kind of meals do you make?
How often do you grocery shop?
How much sleep do you get on average? How much exercise?
What size is your home? Do you have a garden to maintain?
Do you have pets, and if so, what kind?
Do you have a chore schedule? How often do you do laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, tidying, lawn care, etc.? (I know somebody’s going to say “as often as it needs doing,” which is not a particularly satisfying answer)
(if this applies) How do you put multiple young children to bed at night? (Cuz mine takes forever; I couldn’t imagine having more than one!)

Thanks in advance!

The housework discussion always confounds me a little, unless you live in a mansion with a whole heaping load of kids and animals trashing it constantly, there’s a finite amount of housework that could possibly need doing on a daily basis. Putting a wash on and hanging it on the line or moving it to the tumble dryer, then folding and putting it always afterwards is a grand total of 20 mins work spread across 3 separate points of the day, washing up takes 5 mins for each meal, hoovering the house is 20 mins and doesn’t need doing in every room ever day, mopping kitchen and bathroom floors 10 minutes….. even if you did every chore, every day in every room it still wouldn’t be more than 2 hours work total a day broken into several chunks. So at most by splitting that work 50/50 with a partner you’re gaining about an hour. If you’re doing more 2 hrs housework a day then you are creating unnecessary work for yourself in order to fill your time, maybe you should consider doing something more useful with that time

Totally agree. And actually, when I've been on maternity leave, I've done almost no housework. Was too busy breastfeeding, being napped on, etc etc and frankly couldn't be arsed either. I can't imagine how I'd fare any better with toddlers running round the house all day.

2 hours a day doing housework is 14 hours a week. Plenty of people don’t have 14 hours a week free to do housework

Are you single or partnered? (If separated, what’s the custody situation? - Married.

What are your working hours like? - work 3 days a week, Dh works full time 9-5.

What age are your children, and who cares for them while you are working? - 2 and 14. Toddler goes to nursery and teenager goes to school.

How much quality time do you get with your DP and children? - two days off with the toddler alone, weekends with both kids. Very little time with dh alone.

What is it like if you get sick? (Do you actually get to rest?) - A little. Dh will pick up the slack but I’m still in the background listening out for everything.

How do you go about feeding your family? Do you often eat out/carry out? How much time do you spend cooking, and what kind of meals do you make? - Dh does most of our cooking. We use subscription boxes for ease. Takeout maybe once a week.

How often do you grocery shop? - weekly with occasional top up bits, alongside the subscription boxes.

How much sleep do you get on average? How much exercise? - decent enough sleep now that the toddler has mastered the art of sleeping through. Fuck all exercise unless a daily dog walk counts.

What size is your home? Do you have a garden to maintain? 3 bedrooms and a big garden.

Do you have pets, and if so, what kind? - 2 dogs.

Do you have a chore schedule? How often do you do laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, tidying, lawn care, etc.? (I know somebody’s going to say “as often as it needs doing,” which is not a particularly satisfying answer) - I try to have one morning per week doing a deeper than normal clean - mopping floors, cleaning the bathroom, wiping down skirting boards and windows. Basically whatever I can get done in the space of a morning. Washing and ironing is done when required and we wipe down the kitchen and bathroom daily.

(if this applies) How do you put multiple young children to bed at night? (Cuz mine takes forever; I couldn’t imagine having more than one!) - toddler has a good bath, book and bed routine. Teen stays up watching TV with us until about 9:30 when he’ll go off to his room and read or watch his phone until lights out.

I was a SAHM for 9 years, loved it, recently gone back to work, loving it.

Are you single or partnered? MARRIED

What are your working hours like? TUES 9-8:30, WEDS 9-8:30, THURS 9-5, SAT 12-5. TERM TIME ONLY.

What age are your children, and who cares for them while you are working? 10, 7 AND 3. SCHOOL, NURSERY, DH.

How much quality time do you get with your DP and children? DP - 2 or 3 evenings a week. Kids, Sundays and all school holidays.

(sorry started capsmto make things more legible but it’s a PITA and looks aggressive)

What is it like if you get sick? (Do you actually get to rest?) haven’t really been sick yet, 1 stomach bug. Don’t get paid (self employed). DH would do everything if I was bedridden.

How do you go about feeding your family? Do you often eat out/carry out? How much time do you spend cooking, and what kind of meals do you make? This has taken a hit Tbh and we’re eating a lot more carcinogens eg sausages and bacon because DH is in charge of food more often! A lot of takeaways for me and DH which is bad. Tried hello fresh but so much waste as kids wouldn’t eat it.

How often do you grocery shop? once a week and top ups whenever

How much sleep do you get on average? 11-6 realistically so 7 hours. I genuinely need 10.

How much exercise? me and DH have a PT once a week. in between, not much, but I went on the exercise bike this morning and went for 2 walks!

What size is your home? Do you have a garden to maintain? Standard 3 bed semi which we’ve made bigger, but ‘the usual 3 bed semi’ gives the level of fancies and neighbourhood style.
Yes, big established garden, never did anything with it as a SAHM, now have gardener

Do you have pets, and if so, what kind? Nope!

Do you have a chore schedule? How often do you do laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, tidying, lawn care, etc.? (I know somebody’s going to say “as often as it needs doing,” which is not a particularly satisfying answer)
Nope! 2x eufy hoovers, downstairs one mops. Laundry whenever. DH does loads of housework as he WFH on calls all day.

(if this applies) How do you put multiple young children to bed at night? (Cuz mine takes forever; I couldn’t imagine having more than one!) same way you do as a SAHM? Oldest 2 read while one of us puts the younger one to bed. Then go and see middle child, then go and see oldest. If both of us are home, one does the older 2 while one lies with the youngest.

My point was that 2 hrs is the absolute maximum you can drag housework out for on a daily basisf you are cleaning every room every day and doing a wash every day, most people keep their house clean with about 30 mins of concerted effort and then a couple of mins here and there throughout the day while doing other things, so putting things away on the way to the loo, mopping the floor while the kettle boils….

ETA gods sake, quote didn’t work!

No free time really but my job involves a lot of fun and stuff I would choose to do anyway if I wasn’t working. I am literally NEVER alone though and I really struggle with that. Never. The last time I was alone was Friday, BUT doesn’t count because:

1. DD was napping upstairs which could have come to an end at any point, so not relaxing alone time
2. I had to send DH down to the garden office so I could get some peace while DD was asleep, so I felt bad for that, and he always has to come up to the house to use the kettle and the loo and it really fries my nerves because I just want to be alone and everything I ever do is always dirupted and interrupted. So not ‘alone time’ as that to me is peaceful and relaxing.
3. DD didn’t fall asleep that night until 10pm and then slept terribly, because she’d napped, so again , not worth it

And prior to that, it is literally months since I was by myself. I just want to be alone in the house by myself.

Christ that OP was like that ruddy national statistics thing we get hounded to fill in.

Just more efficiently really.

As someone who worked FT with 4 DC , I didn't:

• Get to spend a lot of quality time with my DC after school or in the holidays. By the time I'd collected from after school club and got home it would be 18 00. Someone of them would go on to clubs, for the younger ones it would be food, bath, read and bed. It was rushed and it was stressful after an already stressful day.

*I didn't keep on top of my housework. The house felt unkempt and neglected. This in turn was stressful in itself.

• My DC weren't able to participate in the teams they wanted to as I couldn't get them to training with my work schedule.

*Nothing felt organised. No amount of batch cooking or scheduling made up for lack of time at home.

Your attitude is so patronising. Of course there is a compromise. Amazing for you if you feel there isn't but to suggest it's because of your superior efficiency is just rude.

@InfoSecInTheCity My house and garden are quite large, and we have 3 dogs, two home fish tanks (another at DH's office that occasionally needs my assistance), and a toddler who is home 5 days a week to un-clean just about as fast as I can clean and likes to "assist" me with the chores.

A load of clothing, for me, probably takes 3-5 minutes to collect, load into the washer, and start, then it's like another 3 minutes to transfer the clothes to the dryer (I like to shake them out a bit so they're not as twisted when they go in, and I clean the lint trap between dries), and then (I timed it once) it's about 20 minutes to fold/hang a load, and then another 5 minutes or so to put everything away in everyone's respective closets/drawers. That's around half an hour per load of clothing, and I'll do probably 5 loads a week. Towels and bedding take much less time, but they need to be done and put away/back on the beds as well. DD frequently wets the bed, and the dogs occupy ours/the guest bedrooms, so bedding gets done often.

I'm not sure what you're cooking, but between knives, cutting boards, cooking and eating utensils, pots and pans, leftover containers, sippy cups and drinking glasses, plates and bowls... It definitely takes me longer than 5 minutes per meal to do dishes. We do use our dishwasher, but I make sure everything is rinsed thoroughly before it goes in, so the machine doesn't get disgusting/clogged, many of our pots and pan don't fit in it, and we hand wash anything that's plastic so as to reduce microplastic shedding from the hot water. Then, of course, it takes time to unload the dishwasher and the drying racks and put everything away.

Vacuuming requires that everything be picked up off the floor and furniture to be moved periodically, the collection chamber needs to be emptied at least between rooms, and it would probably take 2 hours just to vacuum my whole house alone. Mopping, about the same, even with the electric spinmop (and then you have to factor in washing the mop pads). Ideally, with all the dog hair and dirt that gets tracked in, it would be done twice weekly, but usually I'll get around to actually cleaning each room once per week, as I do 2-3 per day. The bathrooms take... idk, way too long, when the toilets and showers need to be treated with hardwater/rust/mildew chemicals. Regular surface dusting doesn't take that long, but if you want to be thorough and get into all the nooks and crannies, it's additional time. All window and mirrors need to be wiped down as well, especially the ones within reach of DD and the dogs.

All the trash and compost needs to be collected and taken out regularly, and once a week the bins get taken down to the end of our long driveway. The garden needs mowing weekly in the spring time (which I can get done in no fewer than 2 gos, usually), in addition to regular weeding, pruning, and crop care (watering, staking, fertilizing, etc.) We pay someone to collect dog poop weekly (takes the guy about half an hour), so at least I don't have to spend time doing that. I don't expect DH to do any chores except for when I'm away for military service, usually one weekend a month.

I am busy constantly. We have hired a housekeeper and landscapers to come weekly, just so I have more time for other important things... Our house would definitely be gross if I worked, and I don't think I would be able to spend very much quality time with my family, exercise regularly, or sleep enough.

Sorry! 😅 There are just lots of factors that go into managing a home and family, and I was trying to compare them.

So you are a SAHM with a housekeeper, weekly landscaper and dog poop picker, but your house would be gross if you worked?
I mean I get it, the more time you have, the more you can spend on all activities. But I bet if you worked, you would manage to vaccuum the house in less than 2 hours no problem, and the minute to drag the bins out would not be noteworthy.

This thread reminds me of the SAHM on MN who said she absolutely cannot work, because on Wednesdays, she needs to put away the grocery delivery, and there was also a task of children's seasonal wardrobe curation or somesuch.

No I really can't be bothered to answer all those questions....

It's also rather pointless, everyone's family dynamic is different. No one cares to be honest. Work, don't work it's none of my business as long as your not claiming tax payers money to do it.

Are you American?(trash) you have someone to pick dog poo up!! I've never heard the like. Most of us common folk have three bed houses, it's not too hard to work and clean and cook to be honest. I also have a teenager, she does the washing up and puts away her own clothes. I think most people don't time every task they do, it's rather strange. We just get on with it and fit it in with our lives.

What @DecafDodgersaid. I have a squeegee thing and a glass cleaning cloth in the bathroom cupboard, after a shower i rinse out the bath, squeegee down the tiles and glass and wipe the mirror, it takes seconds and I don’t factor it in as a job because it’s just part of the routine of having a shower, just like I wipe down the sink after doing my teeth. That means that from a specific ‘cleaning’ perspective the bathroom is just a matter of emptying the bin, hoovering and mopping the floor and wiping down the windowsill because it’s basically kept clean all the time as part of using it. When DD was little and needed supervising in the bath I’d do those tasks while she was bathing so it was the same time period being used for 2 essential activities.

Ah. Just saw your other thread in Active list, where you list your daily busy life and all the tasks you have to do. As those include locking the door, petting dogs and filling a water bottle. I think you may have too much free time indeed.

This all seems like a lifestyle and choices, and once again , you issue. You actually have buy in help and somehow still busy, busy, busy.

Not entirely sure anymore what point you’re trying to make or what you’re trying to prove.

Do I do as much as you as a WOH parent? No. I also didn’t when I was a SAHM.

I’ve worked a ten hour day and will spend two hours this evening at a sport activity with my dc.
I’ve also washing, hung, taken down, folded and put away a load of washing, tidied up the house, made breakfast, dinner and packed lunches for four, packed various work and schools bags and will empty the dishwasher later. Surely what you describe is what working parents fit around a full day’s work.

I'm pretty sure my house is much bigger than most, going off the average area of a UK home. You could have 3 bedrooms, but they're likely smaller, and you probably have fewer rooms overall.

And yeah, it's a lot easier when your children are old enough to clean up after themselves and do some chores... But not every SAHP has older children, and some have children of mixed ages. That's why I find it ridiculous when WOHPs assert they do "everything a SAHP" does in addition to working, and judge them and call them lazy, because it's quite clear that everyone's circumstances are different. Like, they're not thinking that through at all.

I only timed folding a load of clothing once because I was curious how long it took (seems like ages to me because I hate doing it.) Also, only brought up times because Infosecinthecity attempted to estimate how long things take.

Squeegeeing doesn't prevent hardwater buildup, and you can't spray down the shower with chemicals while you're standing in it or else you'll injure your skin. Maybe you have frosted glass in your shower, so you don't notice the buildup? (or just a shower curtain, perhaps; no door at all.) Or maybe you don't get buildup in your shower and sink because of the composition of your water. Regardless of what your situation is... I have to use the chemicals or else my shower door and sink frost over with buildup and the shower tiles/drain turns orange. I'm certainly not going to hotbox my child with the fumes while she's bathing, either.

No where in that post did I say everything on the list of things I did last school day was a "chore." I explained that I wrote down literally everything I did for full transparency, including the moments I took for non-essential tasks.

Kick rocks

Yes, that is the lifestyle DH and I have chosen for our family. I am not complaining, just explaining what all I do in response to others assuming SAHPs are "faffing around" and being lazy and that they do so much more than them, as you'll read over and over on mumsnet.

The hired help, besides the poop scooper, hasn't started yet. Like I said, once they do I will have more time for important things.

I am a single parent to three kids, aged 18, 16 and 12. I work full time 9-5.40. 3 days in the office, 2 days WFH. I have a cleaner who comes twice a month. No chore schedule as such, but the kids do jobs as and when I ask. Youngest spends 80% of their Saturday nights with my exhusband, older two don't bother now. Meals - enchiladas, fajitas, pizzas, bolognese, one pot chicken and rice, breaded chicken and chips, occasional takeaway. Food shop once a week. Costs a bomb. I received some UC and £400 PCM in Child Maintenance. Eldest works. Younger two go to school in public transport. All kids did/do various sports/clubs etc. We have a cat. I get 6 hours sleep a night. Alarm goes off at 5.30am. Kids all leave at 6.40am in the morning. Been with Partner almost 4 years, live separately. My house is a 3 bedroom terrace. Eldest and youngest share a room I used to pay a fortune in childcare but obviously not now and they're older. If I get sick I try and outsource chores to kids and they can all cook something simple to eat if they need to. Floors done once a week. Lawn every 2 weeks.

I did the same as you but for 6 people, it's really hard and you simply can not do all of those tasks to a decent standard every single day. Something always has to slip, even if that's just the time you get for yourself. To believe that you can put the same thought and care into those tasks as someone who is a SAHP is delusional. It takes it's toll somewhere.

I am currently PT and feel like I have a good balance between work and home. I am lucky to have this choice but I certainly don't need to patronise others.