Working parents: tell me about your life?

[MossLover]

This is not meant to be snarky in any way, and I apologize in advance if it comes off that way. I am genuinely curious but also socially awkward.

Between my recent post and the (probably fake) one about OP’s DH wanting her to get a job, I’ve noticed a lot of…Negativity? Towards SAHPs. I’ve seen multiple people say essentially the same thing, that they think working parents do everything SAHPs do, but also work jobs. So I’m just curious as to how that can be possible, and was wondering if you could tell me:

Are you single or partnered? (If separated, what’s the custody situation?
What are your working hours like?
What age are your children, and who cares for them while you are working?
How much quality time do you get with your DP and children?
What is it like if you get sick? (Do you actually get to rest?)
How do you go about feeding your family? Do you often eat out/carry out? How much time do you spend cooking, and what kind of meals do you make?
How often do you grocery shop?
How much sleep do you get on average? How much exercise?
What size is your home? Do you have a garden to maintain?
Do you have pets, and if so, what kind?
Do you have a chore schedule? How often do you do laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, tidying, lawn care, etc.? (I know somebody’s going to say “as often as it needs doing,” which is not a particularly satisfying answer)
(if this applies) How do you put multiple young children to bed at night? (Cuz mine takes forever; I couldn’t imagine having more than one!)

Thanks in advance!

@TbrhI wouldn’t refer to Primary School as ‘outsourcing parenting’. I don’t have the skill set to home school so it’s a legal requirement she goes there. HTH.

Refering to a child as ‘it’ is gross, BTW.

and comments like this show what a narrow minded definition you have of 'parenting'.

Making sure your child is safe and cared for whilst you are working is part of parenting your child
Financially providing for your child is also a huge part of parenting

Not to mention the many other things long after a child has left childcare. Unless you believe schools raise children too?

Yeah I winced reading "it". Grim.

Working parent but only work 36hrs a week over 4 days. An hour ish commute each way. One day a week I leave the house at 6.50 and am not home until 21.45.

Primary aged child and a toddler at nursery. School runs and nursery drops and pick ups are split between H and myself through the week.

We take turns cooking and cleaning not on a rota basis but on a need to get shit done basis. Same with kids bath and bedtimes.

Sleep is broken and totals maybe 6 hrs a night.

There's kids clubs and social events in the mix.

House, garden and car are never fully clean, organised chaos is the gold standard.

There's never a sick day. I usually go to work if ill as its just easier. If very ill, there's usually a child off as well.

We try to give eachother lay ins and make coffee or snacks for the other is very busy, but this doesn't always pan out.

We don't have any help feom friends or family as they are doing the same as we are. Surviving.

I sometimes wish I could be a sahp, but then I like the chaos and routine. I would get bored at game and have been when on mat leave and during covid. Its just not for me. But - that doesn't mean I look down on anyone. It their and a choice to make.

A SAHP is raising their child, whereas a working parent has outsourced the parenting.

So according to your logic, one cannot be a SAHM with school aged kids? The job has been outsourced?

It wouldn't be fair for your DH to load the dishwasher whilst you get the DC to bed? Or to spend some time with the DC and do their bath and get them to bed whilst you tidy up?
So what does he do, goes to work, has his lunch hour as free time, comes home, eats dinner then sits on the sofa while you do the DCs baths, reading, bedtime and then continues to sit there whilst you tidy up from dinner and sort things for the next day?
If so he's not setting a good example to the DC of how a man should be able to function as an adult at home too.

He helps with the childcare. DD is usually bathed during the day, when he isn’t home, and he often gets home pretty late. He sits or plays with her while I clean up, and helps get her ready for bed, and then we both read to her and see her to sleep. On the weekends, childcare is split equally…But I don’t expect him to do any cleaning; that’s my job. The only exception is when I’m away for military service once a month on the weekends (in that case, I’m working and he’s not, so it’s like our roles are reversed.)

I don’t know whether my daughter will grow up to want to be a SAHM or work out of the home. I hope we are demonstrating teamwork and fair division of labour.

Right. When I am sick, I still have to do housework and care for DD. Often times she and DH will be ill as well, and then I’m caring for everyone in addition to regular responsibilities.. Sometimes I get to rest if it’s one of the two days a week that DD goes to school, but I still have to help get her ready to go in the morning and drop her off if DH’s work schedule doesn’t permit it. I was wondering if it was different for working parents, whose children are usually in care while they’re at work, and who might get (paid?) sick days off. Apparently, not always.

I appreciate everyone who has answered that question.

WOHP have the same issues when sick as SAHP. If the child is at school or daycare then they still need to be got up and taken. The housework is the same for a working parent as a SAHP. Although I would probably let most of it slip if I was ill. SAHP have the option of using childcare if you want to. Sick working parents of babies/toddlers still have to get up in the night etc etc.

And what happens if the SAHP themselves are very ill, with young kids at home and no childcare?

guess they will need to do the same as working parents who are ill during their non-working days when they have no childcare. Not everybody has a partner or partner who is also off that particular day.

It obviously depends but generally yeah I get to take a day off work, if it's my day to do pick ups/drop offs, DH will try to do them instead, if not I muddle through but at least I don't have the kids to deal with most of the day.

Yes one of the big benefits of being a WOHM is that I can have a day off and it's genuinely a day off. Sometimes I take a day off as annual leave and just do what I want.

Are you single or partnered? (If separated, what’s the custody situation?
Single, one child sees parent two nights a month and the other hasn't seen him since 2016. They are 16&19 now but this has been the case since 2012.
What are your working hours like?
50 hours per week, at home
How much quality time do you get with your DP and children?
They are AlWaYs ThErE 🫠
What is it like if you get sick? (Do you actually get to rest?)
I have to carry on, although more recently, they'd be happy with making a sandwich if their life depended upon it. Isolation during Covid was horrific when we had no way of shopping!
How do you go about feeding your family? Do you often eat out/carry out? How much time do you spend cooking, and what kind of meals do you make?
I'll marinate chicken and make nice recipes but I don't make soups/pasta sauces/pies, but we don't have actual ready meals. Take out once a month maybe. We use to go to McDonald's after sports events when they were little just so I got five minutes.
How often do you grocery shop?
Weekly delivery
How much sleep do you get on average?
Five hours
How much exercise?
Work out at home, recently joined a gym! Plus dog walks and an active job
What size is your home? Do you have a garden to maintain?
3 bed, 3 floor, garden and drive
Do you have pets, and if so, what kind?
Dog
Do you have a chore schedule? How often do you do laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, tidying, lawn care, etc.? (I know somebody’s going to say “as often as it needs doing,” which is not a particularly satisfying answer)
Daily hoover and mop, weekly dust and bathroom, a darks a whites and a towels/bedding wash per week
(if this applies) How do you put multiple young children to bed at night?
Bath together then older one would read to herself, or stay downstairs watching tv as she got older, while I sorted the younger.

It's intense, and I'm so done with pack lunches, PE kits and being a chauffeur.

On the flip side it's a lot harder when your young child is ill on a day you're expected to work.

Are you single or partnered? married
What are your working hours like? 9-5 ish, some work in the evenings. husband is 07:30 - 5 ish
What age are your children, and who cares for them while you are working? 8 & 10, school + afterschool club
How much quality time do you get with your DP and children? Weekends are mostly kid activities and sports, we usually divide & conquer. Maybe get 2 sunday afternoons a month for proper "family" activities
What is it like if you get sick? (Do you actually get to rest?) DH & i do what we can to pick up the slack, but sometimes have tompower through
How do you go about feeding your family? Do you often eat out/carry out? How much time do you spend cooking, and what kind of meals do you make? Slow cooker, meal planning with some very quick & easy options
How often do you grocery shop? Once a week
How much sleep do you get on average? How much exercise? Sleep - 7-8 hours (kids are not waking in the night). Exercise, fuck all
What size is your home? Do you have a garden to maintain? Yes, yes, but rarely get to it. Automatic mower keeps it somewhat respectable
Do you have pets, and if so, what kind? Nope
Do you have a chore schedule? How often do you do laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, tidying, lawn care, etc.? Have a cleaner in every week. We do the daily tidying & laundry

Its prety manageable now that the kids are older. But the one thing that makes it work is 2 fully functional & committed adults who can get any of the tasks done.

• Married
• Work FT (mix of office and WFH), DH works 4 days per week, inflexible job and out of house.
• 2 kids - 8yr and 3yr.
• Quality time - I feel we get lots. I do before school/nursery and am there for drop-offs, then from 5 till bedtime. And then all weekend. DH has school holidays off. Me and DH get time together when kids are in bed (from 8pm) and we also go on a weekend break every year just us.
• Illness - I rarely take sick days as I just WFH and try and reschedule my calendar. If I did take sick day, I'd still be responsible for school run etc. as DH's hours mean he's not here for those. Same as a SAHM of school age kids, I'd imagine. Housework would just wait if I felt rough, as I'd expect it to for a SAHM if they were poorly too (it's never life or death that the dishwasher needs doing is it)
• Food - I batch cook a look at weekend so we often have that for weekday dinners. DH and I might have a takeaway once a month as a treat/date evening but kids don't. We take the kids out for food some weekends to restaurants if we're out for the day. Food shop is done by me usually, and its a Tesco delivery order weekly. DH might grab other bits during the week as needed.
• Sleep - Kids sleep until 7am from bedtime. Me and DH sleep from around 11pm until 6am. Can't see how this is different for SAHP vs working parents tbh!? If we had kids that had sleep issues, then we'd be dealing with that in the same way as a SAHP but luckily we dont!
• Exercise - DH exercises in the evenings, I try and squeeze in workouts in the morning. Usually 3x week for either of us.
• Garden - We just do gardening at the weekends when it needs it. It's not a massive chore and the kids enjoy helping out with us.
• Cleaning - I throw laundry on most days before school run, clean kitchen and make beds etc. daily in the morning. Robot hoover scheduled to clean daily. Our house is always pretty clean and tidy tbf and its never really an issue for us. We don't have a cleaner and never have. No cleaning schedule, I just clean daily here and there to keep on top of it always. DH helps out in evenings if he sees something needs doing (e.g., hanging washing on airer, dishwasher).

Regarding sick days, I was off work for a few days earlier this month due to illness, and was able to rest while DH took care of everything at home. We usually split the school drop-off and collections, so if I’m ill he’ll do them all, and vice versa. This is only possible because we both have flexible jobs, with a short commute, and can wfh, so DH could pick DD up then wfh for a couple of hours (she’s nine now, so can entertain herself after school).

Before DD started school, if I was ill on my days at home with her, I just had to muddle through with easy food and screen time for a day or two, knowing she’d be a at nursery for the rest of the week. I expect that must be tough for SAHP when they don’t get a break in the same way, especially if the working parent is unable to take over due to their work not being set up to have the same level of flexibility that families with both parents working might prioritise. For example, we don’t have family nearby so deliberately chose/ stayed in jobs that were flexible and family friendly. If I’d been a SAHM, DH could have gone for a higher pressure job with better pay but that required me to do all the childcare/ nursery runs etc.

Are you single or partnered? (If separated, what’s the custody situation?
Married with 3 dc (teens)

What are your working hours like? 9-5 weekdays with some on call which I can do remotely. Wfh 2-3 days a week, dh wfh 4-5 days a week.

What age are your children, and who cares for them while you are working?
teens - looked after themselves since youngest twins were age 9 but that was early due to Covid

How much quality time do you get with your DP and children?
evenings and weekends. We enjoy shared hobbies - amateur dramatics so did Panto together end of January

What is it like if you get sick? (Do you actually get to rest?)
dh is amazing and dc can all cook etc. They have to cook a meal each during holidays.

How do you go about feeding your family? Do you often eat out/carry out? How much time do you spend cooking, and what kind of meals do you make?
rarely eat out, dh and I share cooking and I organise food plans. Dc sometimes cook.

How often do you grocery shop?
Ocado order weekly

How much sleep do you get on average? How much exercise?
sleep limited due to young puppy but generally sleep well

What size is your home? Do you have a garden to maintain?
4 bed detached with good size garden that needs a tidy up.

Do you have pets, and if so, what kind?
2 spaniels and 2 rabbits

Do you have a chore schedule? How often do you do laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, tidying, lawn care, etc.? (I know somebody’s going to say “as often as it needs doing,” which is not a particularly satisfying answer)
(if this applies)
we have a cleaner and clear up as we go along (except dtd1 who is a whirlwind of mess)

How do you put multiple young children to bed at night? (Cuz mine takes forever; I couldn’t imagine having more than one!)
i used to read to them all together as when young dh wasn’t often home. It was hard. All had the same bedtime when little for ease. Nobody allowed up after being tucked in unless there was blood or vomit. Now I just yell up the stairs “for goodness sake it’s late, please go to bed!” To 13 yo twins. Dd1 is 17 and very compliant and respectful, likes her sleep.

@Simplelifenodramathey do the same as a working parent. Childcare is available to all parents if you want/need to use it. People with jobs are just automatically gifted 24/7 childcare for free.

Adhoc childcare ? For every now and then ? Would love to know where !

Again, this sounds like a you/your mentality/your arrangement problem.

I was a SAHM until DD was nearly 5. If I was sick , I laid on the sofa , fed her(not great) and vaguely entertained her. Mostly had the telly on tbh. Didn’t do any housework. OH did that when he got home/at the weekend. Or I caught up when recovered. I was never that ill that I couldn’t function, but if that were the case, he would’ve taken the day off to look after her and me. We were and still are a team.

@Simplelifenodramaof course not ad hoc. SAHP have the option of paying for a regular nursery or childminder. Just like working parents do.

While every parent has to get up in the night, get their kids off to school, and care for their children when they're sick, I disagree that most partnered WOHPS do the same amount of housework as most SAHPs. Having a partner to share the chores lessens the burden considerably.

I don't ever feel as if I can rest and 'let it slip' when I'm ill (unless I am like, physically incapable of getting up, though that's only ever happened on one day when I had covid) because the likelihood of me actually catching back up with the housework is so small.

Using ft childcare when you're a SAHP kind of defeats the purpose of staying home-- though I do send mine to school two days a week so I can attend appointments and/or catch up on work, and she gets some regular socialization with kids her age.

Divorced, kids are with me 70% of the time, which might change soon as ex wants to reduce his time.
I work 30 hours over 4 days.
Kids are 10 and 7, and it’s a mixture of school, their dad, after school club, and my mum who looks after them. In school holidays I use holiday clubs too.
No DP. I get quality time with the children on Fridays after school (as that’s the weekday I don’t work) and my weekends.
I take a day off work sick and rest while kids not here. Kids carry on going to school and usual arrangements continue. I still have to look after them in the evening obviously. It’s better now they are older.
My mum makes dinner on the 2 days a week she has them. I cook quick dinners the rest of the time. I hate cooking. It’s one of the things I don’t do well.
Grocery shop probably once a fortnight.
I don’t get enough sleep. Probably 7 hours on average on weekdays. Very little exercise as I don’t have a lot of time.
3 bedroom semi detached reasonable size. Substantial garden.
2 cats.
Laundry every day. Lawn mowing and weeding probably once every 3 weeks in summer. I don’t do any other gardening. I try and sweep/hoover 2/3 times a week. I try and tidy every day or get kids to tidy. Mopping maybe once a week. Surface cleaning once a week. Deep cleaning never.
Putting kids to bed is still frustrating and my least favourite time of day because I can’t split myself in two and as a result they probably go to bed later than they would do otherwise.

I don't see how most of these questions are relevant.

What do I do?

Well, during the nursery years, I earnt more than the nursery fees.

Now, during the primary school years, I earn a lot more than the after-school club fees.

I manage to serve breakfast in the morning and dinner in the evening, like anyone else would.

My house and garden are a normal size, and I don't have a cleaner or gardener, nor do I feel the need. The house is reasonably clean and tidy, and it's not something I really worry about.

If I am ill I take the day off work. I've never been so sick I can't do the school run. Have you? What would you do? I'd probably do that too.

Do I have quality time with my partner and a good night's sleep? Meh, do you? Should I quit my job, stay home and nap during the day? Is that what all the smart parents are doing and I didn't realise?