Working parents: tell me about your life?

[MossLover]

This is not meant to be snarky in any way, and I apologize in advance if it comes off that way. I am genuinely curious but also socially awkward.

Between my recent post and the (probably fake) one about OP’s DH wanting her to get a job, I’ve noticed a lot of…Negativity? Towards SAHPs. I’ve seen multiple people say essentially the same thing, that they think working parents do everything SAHPs do, but also work jobs. So I’m just curious as to how that can be possible, and was wondering if you could tell me:

Are you single or partnered? (If separated, what’s the custody situation?
What are your working hours like?
What age are your children, and who cares for them while you are working?
How much quality time do you get with your DP and children?
What is it like if you get sick? (Do you actually get to rest?)
How do you go about feeding your family? Do you often eat out/carry out? How much time do you spend cooking, and what kind of meals do you make?
How often do you grocery shop?
How much sleep do you get on average? How much exercise?
What size is your home? Do you have a garden to maintain?
Do you have pets, and if so, what kind?
Do you have a chore schedule? How often do you do laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, tidying, lawn care, etc.? (I know somebody’s going to say “as often as it needs doing,” which is not a particularly satisfying answer)
(if this applies) How do you put multiple young children to bed at night? (Cuz mine takes forever; I couldn’t imagine having more than one!)

Thanks in advance!

There’s no reason why sharing can’t happen when there is a SAHP too.

I work full time (part time office w/ childcare, part time flexible working) in law. I have a partner who works quite long hours (self employed). Children are 3 and 1, if I’m sick I usually just have to power through (apart from if it’s a nursery day in which case they’ll be in for 4.5 hours). No hobbies at the mo except walking the dogs and couch 2 5k (very slowly!)
I get up at 5am, walk the dogs, shower, put a wash on, empty dishwasher, get kids up and dressed and breakfasted, tidy up after breakfast, drop off at nursery and go to work until lunchtime.
Pick kids up, take dogs out, hang washing out / put in tumble dryer, play with kids, let them watch a bit of tv while I cook dinner and make packed lunches for tomorrow, dinner, clean kitchen, hoover and mop whole house, put away any dry laundry, bath, books, bed, shower for me, work 7.30-10 ish, read a book or something until about 10.30, bed.

On weekends DP/I take turns to deep clean the house (doesn’t take long, we keep on top during the week and house is small) and other one takes the kids out.

Obviously this isn’t a strict routine and it’ll vary depending on the day (some days they do afternoons in nursery so I get up at 5 and work then take the dogs out later with the kids) but it’s at the moment basically just work and trying to spend decent quality time with the kids, less time for any hobbies etc

I'm married with two DDs now in primary school. I feel I have the best of both worlds as I work part time 25 hours a week which is what I've done since returning from maternity leave.

On my days off I will do some jobs around the house e.g cleaning, gardening etc and go and do the food shop. I also get some exercise and either go for a walk or to an exercise class. If I go back to work full time then I'd move to online food shopping and do more of these chores at the weekend.

On my working days DDs go to after school club. I'm out of the door around 8am so DH does the school drop offs in the morning and I pick them up from after school club at 5.30pm. In school holidays we do a mixture of taking annual leave and DDs going to holiday club. Fortunately they do enjoy it and they do loads with them there so I don't feel guilty at all about using clubs.

Cooking on my working days is definitely a bit trickier. This is one area I could see would really be improved if I was a SAHM, but it's not a huge issue. DDs have school dinners so they've had a hot meal at lunchtime. If I've been at work we're home by 5.45pm and aim to have dinner on the table for us within 20 minutes or so. Often pasta or gnocchi with a quick sauce and frozen veg cooked alongside the pasta, or we eat a lot of falafel/halloumi in wraps with salad.....or sometimes just beans and egg on toast. I have time for more involved cooking on my days off and if I worked full time we'd just accept eating later or I'd do more batch cooking. We always eat meals together as a family.

DH and I alternate bedtimes but they don't take long. 30 minutes or so to oversee DDs having a quick wash, brushing teeth, getting into pyjamas and then a quick story together. The one not doing bedtime will tidy up downstairs while the other parent is upstairs.

We do have a chores schedule. I do more of it because I work fewer hours but DH also pulls his weight. One load of laundry washed, dried and folded every day so it never piles up and then one cleaning job every day between changing beds, dusting, emptying bins, cleaning kitchen, cleaning bathrooms, decluttering, cleaning living room. If these are all kept on top of weekly then it's never a huge job despite having a reasonably large house (four bedrooms, three bathrooms, two reception rooms.)

Part time working has been perfect for me feeling like I've still got my hand in at work, financially and in terms of my pension etc but also having the balance of free time or time with DDs after school or during school holidays, and when they were babies/toddlers.

I’ve done both. SAHM was much easier and less stressful. I now spend whole Sundays doing housework plus every evening while as a SAHM I got to spread it throughout the day. Make lunch freshly at lunch! Hang washing at a reasonable time of the day!

Full time working parent, kids 6 and 9. Husband also works full time (out of the house 4 days a week 0645-1745 and WFH one day).

I drop kids at breakfast club on my way to work. DH picks them up from after school club on his way home. School holidays we cover using annual leave, holiday clubs and grandparents.

I depend plenty of quality time with the family - mornings, evenings and weekends.

If one of us is sick the other one picks up the slack as much as possible. If one of the kids is sick then we take it in turns to stay home with them depending on who has more stuff on work wise that day.

Kids eat hot lunch in school so have a snack tea (toastie/sandwich/bagel plus fruit etc), we eat together on weekends. I cook dinner for me and DH once youngest is in bed. We eat out rarely and get takeout maybe once a month.

I shop in Aldi twice a week, once on the weekend and once on my WFH day.

I sleep 7 hours a night and exercise (run) 3 times a week.

We have a cleaner once a week and keep on top of things in between as needed (not much as no one in the house in the day). DH does all the washing and ironing.

Kids have been sleep trained from a young age and there’s no messing about at bedtime, they get a kiss goodnight and we leave.

The early years were tough (I was back at work before 6 months both times) but now they are older we have a great life. We earn enough for decent holidays, festivals, day trips at weekends etc.

It helps that we both love our jobs and I’m definitely a better parent for working!

I don't understand the question about being ill?

I think that's more of an issue for SAHMs, surely?

As a working parent, if I am ill, I take a day off sick and I don't have to deal with the kids because they are in childcare?

Only if you have a bone idle DH 😂 DH loaded the dishwasher and put away toys whilst I got the DC to sleep whilst I was a SAHM too and still does on my days off, only difference is he doesn't on evening that I'm working because he's then getting the DC to sleep.

Have you tried the non-iron secondary shirts? They're not perfect but save time if your DCs school isn't extremely fussy.
Come out good enough to not really be able to tell if you tumble dry or hang up to dry straight away.

I’m divorced from my ex and we co-parent 50/50

I work 9-5 Monday to Friday. The days I have the kids, I drop them off to school by 8.50 and then walk back home to start working at home by 9. I use my lunch break to do stuff like put washing on, hoover and unload the dishwasher or mow the lawn. No cleaner or gardener. I pick the kids up from their school after school club at 5. Then I cook a quick meal for them, something like scrambled eggs/omlette/pizza with fruit. They are both very hyperactive, energetic kids so do a lot of playing with them (one is autistic). Bedtime I try for 9 but the eldest often not asleep till 10.

I don’t often get ill but just have to struggle through if I do, the kids stop for no-one, just as a SAHM would power through!

Are you single or partnered? - Married

What are your working hours like? 9-5, it's 7.30 - 6.15 incl. commute. I swapped between 3 and 4 days, currenlty at 4 with 2 days WFM

What age are your children, and who cares for them while you are working?
18 now but I went back when she was 10 months. She was in nursery and later with a childminder before/after school

How much quality time do you get with your DP and children? - Plenty

What is it like if you get sick? (Do you actually get to rest?) - Yes because DH steps in. The odd occassion when DH was away for work we made do with school mum friends helping with school run and TV while I was in bed.

How do you go about feeding your family? Do you often eat out/carry out? How much time do you spend cooking, and what kind of meals do you make?
I cook most days from scratch. Eat out is weekends. There are plenty of recipies for 30 min but I love cooking so I learnt to do short cuts and have often curry pastes/pasta sauces in the freezer.
And - we all ate together one meal around 6.30-7pm
Takeaway is once in a blue moon and mainly pizza or Fish & Chips.

How often do you grocery shop?
1-2x a week

How much sleep do you get on average? How much exercise?
Sleep 7 hours or I am not tolerable. I could exercise if I want to.

What size is your home? Do you have a garden to maintain?
4 bed semi-detached, very low maintenance garden as we kill most plants.

Do you have pets, and if so, what kind? - Not anymore but we had rabbits for 6 years.

Do you have a chore schedule? How often do you do laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, tidying, lawn care, etc.? (I know somebody’s going to say “as often as it needs doing,” which is not a particularly satisfying answer)
I had a cleaner most times.
Otherwise I do stuff on my day off and DH and I sort out what else has to be done on the weekend. Laundry is done under the week a lot as well, especially if I wfh and have 1 1/2 hours time between DD out of the house and my work starts. It's mainly my chore but everything else is shared. Apart from washing up, that's DH's job.
Windown cleaner every four weeks.

I am single and live alone with DS who is 6. he goes to his dad 1-2 nights per week.

When I’m working he’s looked after by either dad, grandparents or before/after school club.

I feel we get a decent amount of quality time, though I’d like more.

If I get sick my parents will help if they can, ExDP doesn’t tend to help. A lot of the time I don’t get to rest.

We eat out probably 2-3 times per month. I typically spend less than an hour a day cooking, when I’m working I don’t tend to cook. I like to cook from scratch and will usually make a meat based dish.

I grocery shop once a week.

On average I’d say I get 7 hours a night. Don’t exercise much apart from walking the dog, but that is down to health issues.

I have a large 2 bed semi with a big garden.

We have one dog.
What size is your home? Do you have a garden to

I don’t have a chore schedule and feel like a spend a huge chunk of my spare time catching up on housework. Often over an hour a day.

DS tends to go down to bed fine, but is prone to getting up a lot. Once he’s asleep he usually stays asleep, but sometimes will wake me up and get into bed with me.

Married and we both work full time, from home. I do 9-5 and OH does 7-3. I do drop off and he does pick up. Nursery 3 days and family childcare 2 days a week.
Only have 1 child that is age 2, which makes life easier for now.
Of a Saturday morning OH takes toddler to do the food shop and the park for a few hours and I’ll do a massive clean of the house and then a daily hoover and general tidy around. I’ll do a meal plan every week so we know what we’re having each day. We eat out probably 1-2 times a week, more so over a weekend and we’ll get breakfast or lunch out while we’re out and about.
If one of us gets sick the other person takes over and does 100% of everything or takes the LO out for the day to get some rest.
I go the gym about 3 times a week and OH goes to football twice a week. LO is in bed for about 8pm so we have a good 2-3 hours after that to decompress. I think working from home is a game changer for us, I finish work at 5pm but LO is always home before 4pm, so I can run downstairs and say hi when he gets home and at 5pm there’s no commute home, I can make a start on evening meal.
I feel super happy and blessed that I have my little family and an amazing extended family. I’m always reminded of Charlotte in the SATC film and she says she’s not happy all day everyday, but every day she feels happy, very much the same. Waiting for it all to come crashing down if we decide to have a second baby and make life hard again for ourselves haha!!

Forgot to say I do x3 12.5 hour shifts in a week.

However sometimes I can end up doing 5 or 6 in a row.

Dh is a business owner. I’d say he works 30 hours a week at a push, 10 of those away from home (he’s on site one long day a week), but the rest from home.

I was until recently an academic (uni lecturer and researcher), though I’ve been off work for nearly a year due to cancer treatment. I can speak to what life was like when I was working though, it’s not hugely different now, except I’m going for lots of hospital appointments instead of to work. I worked 4 days a week spread over 5, so probably about 28 hours. Sometimes this would be a long 12 hour day, otherwise 5 school hours days with the occasional late meeting.

I think our lives are pretty ideal because we are both senior enough to have a lot of flexibility. One or both of us always there before and after school. We use a little bit of holiday club and a little bit of AL in school holidays.

We’re both almost always home by 5:30pm so we do all our own running around to evening activities. I cook every night, mostly from scratch. We don’t really eat out or do takeaways as we live rurally. Maybe as a birthday treat only.

We have good work-life balance. Dh goes mountain biking maybe twice a week (during the day or early evening, he’ll take a child to an activity and then use the 2 hours to go do a ride and then collect them). I have a horse and I go see him a couple times a week while Dh does something with dc. We both get time away every year. Dh will do a few trips with BIL or a friend, biking/camping sort of thing. I usually have a trip abroad every year for maybe 4-7 days (obviously not at the moment because I have cancer, so can’t travel, but normally).

We prioritise things we enjoy. I get lots of sleep. I’m in bed for 9:30/10pm and get up 7/7:30am. We don’t have any family help, so it’s literally all us, which means we don’t get much time to go out for date nights or have a weekend away together, but we do both have plenty of downtime when we aren’t parenting because we balance things in quite egalitarian ways. Generally, we divide and conquer. We each take a child. Ours are older now so don’t so much need both of us ‘doing bedtime’, but generally dh would bathe youngest and had off to me for bedtime, then he’d bathe eldest and he’d do bedtime with her. And then when we finished, we’d go tidy up downstairs and finish a bit of work then go to bed.

We have a comfortable lifestyle. Neither of us works properly FT, but we do have careers that aren’t 9-5, where there is expectation to return emails at 10pm or on the weekend or away on holiday. So we may not be fully clocked off, but we can run one dc to cubs while keeping an eye on emails. We have a nice big house and farm. It takes a lot of maintenance, hedge laying, fixing a stone wall that’s falling down, feeding animals, harrowing and cutting fields outside of our ‘day jobs’. We do that in the after school, evening, weekend hours but with the dc, so it’s family time. The house itself is liveable, but rarely properly tidy. It’s very lived in. At least 6 months of the year we are mostly outside, so the house does collect a bit of dust. 😂

Having been both a SAHM and a working mum. I can confirm that being a SAHM is sooooooooo much easier. Like there’s literally no comparison. But finances are what they are and so I had to return to work.

it’s absolutely fine now, but harder when the kids were young. My kids are now young adults and are pretty self sufficient and so I have lots of time to pursue my own interests despite working. But for years these were on hold as you don’t really have a lot of time as a working mum to younger kids for yourself. You do as a SAHM. It’s honestly luxury.

My dd is an adult now, but when she was a preschooler, we had a nanny who looked after her in our own home for around 4 hours a day. DH and I both worked full time but we managed the rest of the childcare between us because I worked about half of my hours in the evening after dd had gone to sleep.

So yes, I really do think that between us, we did pretty much everything that a SAHP would have done, apart from those four hours of childcare every weekday morning when dd was with the nanny. And tbh, she was generally asleep for about two of those hours in any case.

I think the biggest difference for us was probably the fact that we shared stuff more equally between us as a couple, and we had less time together in the evenings, but it worked for us as we both had plenty of time with dd.

Once dd was at school, we didn't need any paid childcare because we both worked flexibly and shared it all between us. Of course, life was pretty full on for a few years, but we just accepted that and I'm glad now that we managed it as we did.

Single parent. They are with me most of the time , maybe stay with their dad 2 nights a month (more in holidays).
I work 9.15-5.30 4 days a week. Although when i travel to office i leave at 4.45 and sometimes will do some work in evenings.
Children are 14 and 9. 9 year old goes to breakfast club and afterschool club.
If i get ill no i don't really get to rest, although they are older now so a bit more self sufficient.
We get take away around once every 2 weeks. Weekday meals are usually quick to make things like pasta or something with chips especially on days with clubs.
Do a big online shop once a week and pick up a few bits throughout the week in my lunch breaks.
Get around 7 hours sleep a night. Exercise is mainly just walking although i'd like to do more.
No pets.
I dust and hoover house on my day off on Friday. I will usually clean bathrooms at weekend and mop floors. I do washing in evenings or while working at home. Clean kitchen etc after meals at home.
Kids are older now so don't need to put eldest to bed anymore which makes life easier but used to do one and then let other stay up a bit and then do other.

Been a FT working single parent most of my life. Dealt with everything myself. 3 children - Disney dad who spoilt them for 2 days a fortnight, no help re school hols etc etc. 4th child dad DV so left then he died so no help there.
Has meant I never financially recovered really so am still in rented. Did absolutely everything just me- raised 3 wonderful men and a wonderful woman. Proud of them all. Still working FT+.

Partner
Work full time shifts - 2 mornings, 4 afternoons, 4 days off.
Age 5 - either in school or my partner (he is their dad also)
A fair amount of quality time
Fine if I am sick
My partner cooks more than me. Little one has a hot meal in school so usually just wants beans on toast/sandwich etc in the evening, we eat things like pasta/fajitas/stir fry. Simple meals I would say.
Once or twice a week
7-8 hours sleep. Exercise 2-3 times a week plus walk daily
3 bed, 3 bathroom. Low maintenance garden (artificial grass)
Yes - cats
Not a formal schedule as such. Daily I would say laundry, washing up, wipe down in bathroom/kitchen, sweeping etc. I do have a cleaner who comes fortnightly.

Stay at home Mum, with 2 teenagers. Everyone's circumstances are different..I have no external support, never have done ..husband works long hours, sometimes works away. We are not wealthy, but comfortable. For us, me being at home means I can flex a lot and do all the housework, cooking, ferrying around, paperwork etc , and walk two lively dogs for 2 hours a day. I have found it very hard and lonely at times but for us this is what works. I have had a few part time jobs, but always seem to need to be around for various appointments, school stuff , admin stuff that seems to crop up all the time. If I worked I do not know what I would do to fill in for me on these occasions. Sometimes I struggle to put an extra contact name down on forms. Begrudgingly put in laws down but they never, ever get involved , only if there's a hot meal in it for them, even though we are currently struggling with one of our kids.

I’m married and work full time in a senior role. DH also works full time but I’m the breadwinner. Our kids are 17 and 8. They look after themselves or wraparound care. In the holidays I use a mix of shared play dates, working from home and grandparents.

I get more than enough time with DH and the kids but weekends are sacrosanct and kids hobbies come first.

I’m not often sick but if I was I’d take time off work and DH would pick up the slack at home.
We eat out/take out twice a week. Dinners are mostly meat or fish potatoes/salad and or veg or pasta. Shop online once a week with a couple of top ups from the corner shop.

I should sleep and exercise more. I do walk the dog for at least an hour each morning.

We have a large 3 bed house with a garden. I do have a gardener - 2 hours a fortnight - and a cleaner - 4 hours a week. No chore schedule, I do surface cleaning/tidying/laundry daily. I do WFH a couple of days a week which tbh is a game changer for keeping on top of things.

Hobbies - reading, puzzles and seeing friends. I go out with my friends for a bottle of wine at least once a fortnight.

I’ve worked FT since DD17 was 1 so I know no different!

I'm interested to know what tasks you think a sahp does, that working parents don't?

To answer your questions:

• I have a partner.
• I work 28hrs a week and he works 30hrs.
• my children are school age, I use after school club one day a week, I WFH so they're here with me the rest, do works shifts so he'll do either before or after school. When they were little we used private nursery.
• Quality time - plenty of it. I don't feel I'm missing out as the children are at school pretty much all day anyway. We have our weekends together and family holidays.
• if I get sick I take a sick day and I rest. Being sick when you have kids is always hard but do pitches in and picks up the slack if I'm not well and I do the same for him.
• We meal plan. We eat what I see as standard family meals - pasta, curries, casseroles, roast, sometimes pizza, burgers, tacos. We take turns cooking dinner, the other clears up after. We never get takeaway or eat out during the week. Sometimes at the weekend as a treat, maybe once a month.
• Weekly online shop, I write the list and dp does the order. Get it delivered early evening or early morning.
• I get 8-9hrs sleep, dp less because he doesn't seem to need as much and gets up early to go to the gym. Exercise not as much as I should because I'm lazy, I pop out for a walk on my lunch break and maybe a swim on my day off.
• 3 bed semi, small garden.
• no pets - I'm not an animal person and don't want the extra work.
• yes, we thrive on routine! daily: laundry, dishwasher, kitchen, tidying. Weekly: ironing, hoovering, dusting, bathroom etc.
• Routine, routine, routine! Due to shift work I was often on my own with two young children and we got in the swing of it, I did the eldest first and then the baby to bed.
• When they get older you add in sports clubs too.

Honestly I feel like I have the perfect balance. I love that I'm a good role model for my boys who see their mum working and their dad pitching in at home, no stereotypical gender roles here. I would be bored out my brains at home all day. We've always had this set up since DC were small.

Completely agree. On matty leave right now and I love the fact i can do the school run, have time to do homework with my eldest. I'm less stressed, my house is tidier/cleaner and I just don't have the stress of juggling it all whilst holding down a job.

I'm dreading going back to work as it will be back to muddling through, but needs must

The whole point of having a SAH spouse is so they can manage the house so you can focus on financial provision. It wouldn’t be fair for my husband to have to work all day and come home to do chores, if I don’t work and just do chores