Working parents: tell me about your life?

[MossLover]

This is not meant to be snarky in any way, and I apologize in advance if it comes off that way. I am genuinely curious but also socially awkward.

Between my recent post and the (probably fake) one about OP’s DH wanting her to get a job, I’ve noticed a lot of…Negativity? Towards SAHPs. I’ve seen multiple people say essentially the same thing, that they think working parents do everything SAHPs do, but also work jobs. So I’m just curious as to how that can be possible, and was wondering if you could tell me:

Are you single or partnered? (If separated, what’s the custody situation?
What are your working hours like?
What age are your children, and who cares for them while you are working?
How much quality time do you get with your DP and children?
What is it like if you get sick? (Do you actually get to rest?)
How do you go about feeding your family? Do you often eat out/carry out? How much time do you spend cooking, and what kind of meals do you make?
How often do you grocery shop?
How much sleep do you get on average? How much exercise?
What size is your home? Do you have a garden to maintain?
Do you have pets, and if so, what kind?
Do you have a chore schedule? How often do you do laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, tidying, lawn care, etc.? (I know somebody’s going to say “as often as it needs doing,” which is not a particularly satisfying answer)
(if this applies) How do you put multiple young children to bed at night? (Cuz mine takes forever; I couldn’t imagine having more than one!)

Thanks in advance!

Of course working people do everything SAHPs do. Who else does their housework etc ?
maybe they outsource childcare / cleaning but people don’t just go to work and do nothing else.

When my DC were nursery age I worked part time - 3 or 4 days a week. At least nursery was an entire day, in some ways it was easier than school.

When the oldest started school I went full time, with 1.5 hrs commute each way.

DH got home first usually and did the childcare collection and started the dinner. I came home in time to put the children in the bath. I usually had some washing to hang out after tea. And I’d clear up from tea. Saturday mornings DH took them to sports and I did some of the cleaning. Saturday afternoon I took them swimming and DH did a bit more cleaning or the food shop. So - teamwork.

Sundays we’d usually go out for the day, to a park or the seaside or for a walk somewhere different. Garden to mow, I’d squeeze that in at the weekend. Sunday evening ironing.

If they were ill it would be a toss up between who had more important meetings that day. I didn’t get ill.

The house wasn’t as clean as it could have been I did the bear minimum for school extras (eg dress up days). School reading we did at bedtime. They didn’t do after school activities until they were older primary.

It was fine when in the groove.

2 kids age 7 and 11
2 full time working parents
4 bed detached house and garden
No cleaner
No childcare or help from grandparents
Office type jobs
1 parent works from home and has a semi flexible schedule as senior manager and project based work, also higher earner
1 parent works outside the home 9 to 6.
School runs shared
Cooking shared
Cleaning and washing never ending and never complete but shared
Shared dropping of kids to hobbies

Why should anyone tell you about their life details, just to satisfy your curiosity and underlying desire?

OP how do you respond to the details shared in this thread? Are you full of admiration for us all or seething in judgement?

Are you single or partnered? Married
What are your working hours like? Full time secondary teacher at work for 7:45am every morning usually home by 4pm on average. Marking and prep done in evenings once children in bed.
What age are your children, and who cares for them while you are working? 5 and 3 School, nursery (3 half days a week term time only) husband works 6-10pm part time Monday to Friday.
How much quality time do you get with your DP and children? Mon-Friday very little quality time with husband. Weekends (all weekend but each of us arrange seeing friends/theatre/dinner etc but this isn't every weekend. 13 weeks of school holidays a year that we spend together all of us.
What is it like if you get sick? I stay home sick in bed and husband does the usual routine. I would get up to be with kids when he went to work.
How do you go about feeding your family? I cook. Mainly home cooked meals/ Ninja Speedi meals. Most weekends I batch cook and that becomes a midweek meal for next four weeks.
How often do you grocery shop? Weekly with the odd top up
How much sleep do you get on average? 7.5 hours
How much exercise? Gym for an hour or class Saturday/sunday. 2-3 midweek Fitbit workouts at home (I'm actively focusing on this and losing weight)
What size is your home? 3 bed
Do you have a garden to maintain? Yes large with hedges. Husband does that.
Do you have pets, and if so, what kind? Two cats they are mainly outside and come in for a snooze during the day.
Do you have a chore schedule? How often do you do laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, tidying, lawn care, etc.? No schedules. Hoovering as and when needed ( most days in reality) bathrooms once a week. Not very good at dusting. Sweeping and mopping daily/weekly. Tidying daily. We both do our fair share.
how to put multiple children to bed? Mon-Friday just me. Have a routine take up at about 7pm brush teeth read 3 year old a story kiss and leave no fuss. Go in to see 5 year old they read me a story. I turn the light off and we snuggle and have a bed time chat about how the day has gone. Then leave. process takes 40 minutes. We each do one each on a weekend. My husband misses bedtime routine the most when he is working so enjoys doing it on weekends.

I have had a variety of working patterns and I’ve noticed a very clear (and obvious really) correlation between the amount of time I work and how poorly run the house/family is. Obviously everything essential still gets done to a degree, but the more days I work, the muckier the house is, the less cooking from scratch I do and the less homework gets done. It’s disingenuous to say that wohm do everything sahm do, because that’s not really the point. If you have more time things will obviously be done better (if that matters to you and you don’t spend all the time you would have been working watching Netflix).

So if one partner earns enough for the family to be comfortable, you can get a big bump in quality of life if you have a SAHP. But for most people, they’d be so impoverished by that decision that overall their quality of life would be worse.

Im not married but I’ve been with my boyfriend for 13 years. We live together. DH works full time and can work away for a few days in the week though not so often anymore.
Im a teacher so work 8-5 mon-Friday. I then plan from 6:30 until 10 on a Sunday.
DD8 is at school and DS3 is at a childminder. Family help us out some days.
probably not enough quality time between work and clubs and socialising the kids.
What is it like if you get sick? I don’t get sick. Haven’t got time for that.
How do you go about feeding your family? Do you often eat out/carry out? How much time do you spend cooking, and what kind of meals do you make? Luckily their dad cooks! They eat at childminders sometimes.
How often do you grocery shop? Every week.
How much sleep do you get on average? How much exercise? DS still doesn’t sleep through so sleep is broken. Run 3 times a week.
What size is your home? Do you have a garden to maintain? Really lovely 4 bed. Nice size rooms.
Do you have a chore schedule? How often do you do laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, tidying, lawn care, etc.? (I know somebody’s going to say “as often as it needs doing,” which is not a particularly satisfying answer) We have a cleaner. Couldn’t be without her. She amazing.
(if this applies) How do you put multiple young children to bed at night? (Cuz mine takes forever; I couldn’t imagine having more than one!) I read to them together. DD reads one of the books. I read the other. DS goes to bed and then me and DD read a chapter book together.

I built up to 4 short days, tbh I didn't find I had much more free time when only working 1 or 2 days, the only thing I did do was more exercise.

@Stickortwigs I didn't expect you to be up
so early!

Right, you're not doing as much child care and you're splitting the chores.

Not to say that WOHPs don't work their butts off with their families; I just disagree with the premise that they do the same amount of housework as SAHP in addition to working.

I appreciate you taking time to answer.💛

I want to eat at your house! That all sounds so good

My experience having done mostly WOHM but time as SAHM, is that for me being a SAHM was infinitely easier! We take as many shortcuts as we can as working parents and divide the tasks evenly between us, DC also have their own non-negotiable chores to do… it’s a bit manic at times but we muddle along. During my stint as a SAHM I found everything slowed down in a good way, I had more time for housekeeping stuff and more time to give to the kids… but sadly finances simply would not allow for it to become a long term thing.

I think what counts as " quality time" is really up to the individual. Some people's love language is quality time, and they appreciate simply being in close proximity with their loved ones, even if theyre all doing different activities. Others might not conside the time 'quality' unless they're actively engaging with their loved ones in a more focused way. Like, I like cuddling with my DD on the couch while we watch a movie without talking, and the physical touch makes it quality time for me. But if I'm just cleaning in the same room as her, I don't feel like the time is quality, unless I'm like, focused on teaching her a cleaning skill and congratulating her, for example.

Thanks for your detailed answer and for sharing your cooking hacks; I'm gonna try those!

Been with DP for 13 years. One DD who is 6. Both work full time. He leaves for work at 7am and picks DD up at 5pm from after school club, I drop her off at breakfast club at 8am and get home around 7:45pm. I have a job with long hours.

Because DP has his own business he works a lot in the evenings. I probably see DD for an hour or so after work. We spend all weekends together and use our holiday to be together. We use holiday clubs in school holidays as well.

DP does a lot of the cooking. I probably do more cleaning.

it feels chaotic.

We don’t have many takeaways anymore as they’re expensive and inevitably disappointing.

I’m sick now and I don’t rest.

we have a cleaner but you’d never known she’s been once DD is home from school. She is great and it’s nice to know that under the mess it’s fundamentally clean.

We sold our home and are currently in rented until our purchase goes through. There’s basically no garden. We had a very big garden before and DP maintained.

we have a weekly delivery. DP is a good (if not messy) cook so we have nice curries / pasta dishes. But I’ve also eaten toast for dinner twice this week as we are both super busy and feeling knackered.

I’m a single parent. By 10 months I was glad to get back to work to have a break! Worked out that 3 days a week was the sweet spot, more than that and after tax NI student loans and childcare I would be only £50 a month better off (middle earner). Found a childminder close to work so he only spent 9 hours a day 3x a week away from me and we could have the commute as extra time. It worked because I sort of like my job and consider colleagues as friends. It was still hard in the first years as we were both ill soooo much. I just can’t see how full time is worth it before they are 3 as ultimately, there’s so much going on. But to stay at home would have bored me senseless. It totally depends on the person.

I can tell you what it was like for us, our kids are grown now but it’s a different perspective maybe

we both worked FTOTH and there was NO wfh at all, we were in offices x 40 hr+
we had to pay for childcare, we had no family help at all
that included summer holidays, easter etc, 16+ weeks of ft childcare, we paid
we shopped online and had a cleaner
We all did some chores at weekends but outsourced as much as pos
yes we rested if we were sick and we were paid sick pay
because we outsourced the boring shit we had plenty of quality time at weekends
bedtime isn’t that hard, we just did it

We were just saying today we don’t know how we found time for sex but we did. We’re still happily married after 30 years and our kids are happy adults

we earned well which made a huge difference

Outsourcing them doesn't really count as doing them, does it?

Typically a SAHP will do the majority of the childcare for any children younger than school age, in addition to all the housework, while their partner WOH and handles the financial provision and does a minority of the childcare.

Partners who are both working and not outsourcing their housework usually utilize childcare or split the childcare between them while they work, share the housework, and share the financial provision. It's not both partners who are WOH, doing the majority of the childcare, and all of the housework... That wouldn't be feasible.

Single parents are in their own class, I think.

I work part time (3 evenings 7pm-1am), so I don't do bedtime 3 times a week, but other than that I do everything a SAHM does. The chores don't do themselves whilst I'm gone, as much as I'd like them to 😂
Me being gone means our youngest stays up later so DH loses that time where he would otherwise help out a bit, and then is tired out and relaxes once they're asleep, so if anything I end up with more to do the next day than if I'd been home getting the DC to sleep whilst he tidied up like on my days off.

@FloatingSquirrel If your DH helps out with the chores, you're not doing 'everything a SAHP does.' They're lessened by sharing them. The chores are the SAHP's responsibilty, not the working parent's, in that dynamic.

Of course I do the same amount of housework what an insane thing to say. My partner works full time and I work 80 percent but our house still needs cleaning just the same. I think you have an issue and want people to say sahm do so much more.
Its not a competition, life with kids is hard work regardless of your set up

This is a choice you are both making though. It’s perfectly possible for a working parent to do housework as demonstrated in this thread. You could also choose to outsource childcare or housework if you wanted to.
We both have high pressured clinical jobs but both of us are capable (and have to) of cooking, childcare, doing a shop etc. Kids do activities, parents have hobbies etc. We are very efficient with getting things done. Household tasks are not spun out and made out to be more than they are. I’m always baffled on here when I see unloading and loading the dishwasher listed as a ‘chore’. It literally takes 2 mins to unload and is simple enough that a child can do it.

in terms of quality time we eat our meals together round the table every day (activity permitting and mine are school ages). Spend time in the evening or chat on the way to activities. Contrary to a lot of the SAHM threads I love been on annual leave in the holidays, we spend quality time then relaxing or getting out and about.
My kids are used to helping out with jobs such as putting their washing away, hanging the washing, putting shopping away, dishwasher, feeding the pets, tidying. And now they are 11 and 13 they have been helping cook meals.

im curious to know what a SAHM does that a WOHM doesn’t too. I

I've been doing the chores for decades. They ain't that hard and of course I spilt them with dh. Yes, I did more housework as a sahm but it was roughly an additional 5 hours and I didn't iron school uniform then as dd was in primary. School drop off took less than half an hour a day. It's definitely not equivalent to ft work. When dd was little tidy up was similar. I took her to lots of parks and play sessions so we weren't home making a mess most of them time.

DH and I both work FT with 3 under 3 and they go to nursery full time. Cooking, cleaning etc is 50/50.

Cooking - We batch cook and/or leave long, drawn out dinners for the weekend. If something isn't batch cooked, it is something easy and quick. Food shops are done online weekly.

Cleaning - We don't clean for hours and hours, I'm not sure how some people manage that unless they want to live in a show home which isn't our style. We are quick and efficient and accept that tidy and clean is good enough.

Illness - If DC is ill, we take it in turns to take time off unless one of us has an important meeting etc going on. If one of us is ill enough to not be at work, DC will still go to nursery so ill parent can rest.

Bedtime - They eat dinner at 5, have baths at 6 and are tucked up in bed by 7. Stories are read all together and we rotate who puts who to bed (2 are twins so go to bed together).

Exercise - I go to the gym 2-3 times a week depending on what's going on, usually from 5am-7am as that's when I can fit it in.

Sleep - As above, DC's go to bed at 7 and sleep until 7 unless ill so sleep isn't an issue at all.

Quality time - Lots. DH and I flex our hours and are able to work around each other so if one of us can't pick up early from nursery then the other one usually can. Mornings before nursery are always nice too and then we spend time together when DC's are in bed, weekends are largely family time too.

The only times I've seen people say things about working parents doing it too is when some SAHM's talk about cooking, cleaning and 'life admin' like it doesn't also exist for working parents and/or when the 'SAHM' actually has school aged children and isn't really a SAHM.