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Tips for dining with very quiet people

213 replies

nomorequinoa · 15/04/2025 16:51

I volunteer with a gardening group that helps tend a local park and have made friends with a couple of people there. Some of those involved are very quiet types. I've been helping out since last summer and there are several people who've avoided eye contact or just nodded and then ignored me or turned away when I've said hello or tried to start a conversation.

The group has occasional social events and there is a group dinner in a pub organised next week. I booked a place. I've just been sent the table plan (the woman who organises these get-togethers always does a table plan that we're expected to stick to, apparently) and I'm positioned between one person who has never said a word to me and one who has barely said hello. Opposite me is someone with hearing difficulties who doesn't communicate easily.

One of the friends I've made through the group has said that once the meal is over we're allowed to move and I'm to head up to her end of the table. I get the feeling that people are expected to take it in turns to sit with the quiet people.

I'm not a particularly garrulous sort of person, but I was raised to make polite conversation. I'm beginning to get nervous about the event. Do I try to start up a conversation or would that be intrusive?

OP posts:
MeAndMyCatCharlotte · 15/04/2025 16:56

I would probably try to initiate a little relaxed conversation and just see how it goes. If they don't want to talk then so be it.

catlovingdoctor · 15/04/2025 16:57

You can lead a horse to water, and all that...

Attempting conversation is polite but don't force it if they're not keen, for whatever reason. Its also arguably impolite to not contribute to a conversation and I personally wouldn't accept invitations if I wasn't going to reciprocate an effort.

Maddy70 · 15/04/2025 17:05

Just open questions
What brought you to this group?
Have you been here befur what do you think?

Tell me about your hobby?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

FrenchandSaunders · 15/04/2025 17:07

What’s the point of them going if they’re not going to say a word!

BacktoBeginnersFran · 15/04/2025 17:10

If they've signed up to go to the dinner I think they'll be more willing to talk. Make small talk about the weather, ask questions about what plants they like... blah... blah... blah. You never know, they might open up.
If not, gobble down your dinner and run off to your friend.

vincettenoir · 15/04/2025 17:16

I agree with pp, maybe they don’t fancy chit-chat when they are gardening but I don’t think they would have signed up for the meal if they aren’t planning to get involved in any conversation.

EasterParadeHats · 15/04/2025 17:18

OP I really feel for you 😕🥲.
How many courses are there?
If it's one then fine to move after the meal but if it's a few then why not move after each course.
It seems as the newbie they have placed you in the tough seats and I think it sounds unfair and awful.
Where I work I have people I can chat to but some people I would hate to be sat next to.
All you can do is settle in the silence and just enjoy and concentrate on your meal. Don't feel any pressure to talk.

faerietales · 15/04/2025 17:21

Don't assume they won't talk over dinner just because they don't talk while they're gardening.

I often don't talk when I'm doing my hobbies but will happily sit and chat over a meal or something similar.

hopeishere · 15/04/2025 17:25

A table plan seems a bit controlling for a hobby group! Like can you not just hang out with your friends!

Words · 15/04/2025 17:26

The very term group dinner fills me with dread ! I just would have to decline.

nomorequinoa · 15/04/2025 17:26

I get the feeling, from the way a couple of others in the group have reacted to seeing the table plan, that I've drawn the short straw. The person who will be seated to my left just doesn't talk, I've been told.

I didn't anticipate anything like this because like a couple of posters here, I assumed that people who don't talk socially wouldn't want to go out to dinner like this.

I would normally ask the kind of open questions that have been suggested. In fact that's what I've tried before — without a response. I have never known what to do when, having asked a gentle question, the person I'm talking to just turns away or looks down and says nothing. I guess I just stare at the table and say nothing more.

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 15/04/2025 17:38

I don't think I would want to go out to dinner with very socially awkward people. It would be draggy and painful

Ener · 15/04/2025 17:45

I wouldn’t fancy that at all tbh. I’d dink out.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 15/04/2025 17:47

Just be nice to them and eat your dinner. If they’re that socially awkward then they’re probably incredibly isolated and may have literally no real companionship in their lives. This could be the minimum human contact they need that is keeping them going. Thank your stars that you’ve lived a life that has given you greater social skills and try not to be contemptuous of them.

Delphiniumandlupins · 15/04/2025 17:48

Well these people have chosen to sign up for the meal, even if they don't talk much/at all. So assume they want company at least, They're not going to complain about you if there are silences.

Coffeeishot · 15/04/2025 17:48

I'd just talk about gardening see how it goes, but honestly if all else fails talk to someone else, some people just like to sit in the quiet and listen to everyone else.

Maitri108 · 15/04/2025 17:50

I would skip the dinner, say you have to work and meet them later for a few drinks.

FairlyTired · 15/04/2025 17:53

FrenchandSaunders · 15/04/2025 17:07

What’s the point of them going if they’re not going to say a word!

Just because they struggle socialising doesn't mean they don't enjoy being around others. They may like listening to others talking but not have the social skills to manage a conversation properly themselves. Or they may manage to once they're settled into the event.

JoyDreamer86 · 15/04/2025 17:54

Please let us know how it went 😊

Quitelikeit · 15/04/2025 17:55

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress

makes some great points and I’d take them onboard

RaininSummer · 15/04/2025 17:58

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 15/04/2025 17:47

Just be nice to them and eat your dinner. If they’re that socially awkward then they’re probably incredibly isolated and may have literally no real companionship in their lives. This could be the minimum human contact they need that is keeping them going. Thank your stars that you’ve lived a life that has given you greater social skills and try not to be contemptuous of them.

All great points but it would make me feel quite self conscious and anxious.

Perkuppaige · 15/04/2025 17:58

Just do you - if they don’t want to talk, I wouldn’t be filling in the gaps, especially of it hasn’t worked before, why should the onus all be on you, it’s you’re evening too.

Coconutter24 · 15/04/2025 17:58

I’d be asking why we need a seating plan. You’re all adults and presumably more than capable of pulling out a chair and sitting down.

Tarantella6 · 15/04/2025 17:59

Ask open ended questions and if they don't answer switch to a more passive aggressive approach for your own entertainment - what are you enjoying about this evening? Is your food nice? What's your favourite topic of conversation?

At the very least it might mean you never have to take your turn with them again. Why doesn't the seating plan put them together rather than an innocent victim in the middle of them?!

Mumtobabyhavoc · 15/04/2025 17:59

I think there was an old Seinfeld episode about "low talkers..." 🤔