Tips for dining with very quiet people

[nomorequinoa]

I volunteer with a gardening group that helps tend a local park and have made friends with a couple of people there. Some of those involved are very quiet types. I've been helping out since last summer and there are several people who've avoided eye contact or just nodded and then ignored me or turned away when I've said hello or tried to start a conversation.

The group has occasional social events and there is a group dinner in a pub organised next week. I booked a place. I've just been sent the table plan (the woman who organises these get-togethers always does a table plan that we're expected to stick to, apparently) and I'm positioned between one person who has never said a word to me and one who has barely said hello. Opposite me is someone with hearing difficulties who doesn't communicate easily.

One of the friends I've made through the group has said that once the meal is over we're allowed to move and I'm to head up to her end of the table. I get the feeling that people are expected to take it in turns to sit with the quiet people.

I'm not a particularly garrulous sort of person, but I was raised to make polite conversation. I'm beginning to get nervous about the event. Do I try to start up a conversation or would that be intrusive?

I think your definition of abuse might be a bit off. None of what you describe is abuse and they are not expecting anything of you. Quieter people are usually perfectly comfortable being quiet/quieter and don't need anything therapeutic from you.

They'd probably be very uncomfortable with you digging around "trying to draw them out of themselves" if that's what you are thinking. Just don't.

Yes this.

Christ, I have seen at least four suggestions of how to be more passive aggressive, confrontational, the word contemptuous used etc etc. the OP mentions at least one member who is hard of hearing. Others may have ND, maybe selective mutism as mentioned, even something neurological such as memory loss, given that it's a community garden not an investment bank. Some may just be very quiet people. It may take a lot to go to a dinner and there are PPs telling her to ask why they're not talking more!

Would posters honestly confront people who weren't saying much at a community garden? The self centredness and lack of imagination is mine blowing on here sometimes.

OP, take them as you find them, speak clearly in case it is poor hearing. People may find it easier to engage in this setting rather than when going about gardening tasks. Ask a few questions, tell a few anecdotes, smile, don't feel you've got to fill all the space or that either side have a load to carry. Some may just go for quiet companionship and that's fine. People are all different. If the conversation doesn't pick up, it's not about you, just enjoy the food and quiet company and join your friends later.

And now it's abusive, being sat next to someone quiet at a social dinner? On the other hand, would you say monologuers or prattlers (or anyone who doesn't match is perfectly in conversation) are abusive? I find that far more obnoxious than someone quiet, personally.

This is exactly it. I'm often quiet, self-conscious and awkward around people I don't know or don't know well, and I'm an introvert. But if someone said hello or made a small-talk comment, I wouldn’t dream of ignoring them or just turning away.

Haha this reminds me of my BIL, who doesn’t just “draw them out” but literally interrogates them.
Ideally one hopes for a verbal game of tennis, back and forth.
Strange that that should be such a problem (unless neurodiverse, introverted, deaf, autistic etc.)

Yes, but I'm also saying that the over talker also suffers from social anxiety but it just manifests in a different way to the non talker. They actually have more in common than they think!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/defining-memories/202209/why-some-people-talk-too-much

Sorry, I wouldn't go they sound boring and odd. I wouldn't pit myself through the agony. You want people around you who talk and who are fun.

You ask what these people might get out of this situation, my Mother has advanced dementia and poor hearing yet loves going out for a family meal.

We try to draw her into the conversation but end up talking across, about her or even eating in silence.

It is a bit awkward at times but it’s a kind thing to do given she enjoys the outings so much.

Give it a try once but I think it’s unreasonable to be fed up with the seating plan if it’s on a rotation.

agree the issue is with the seating plan, although tbh it sounds quite unusual that in a comparatively small group there are at least 2 people with such significant issues with speaking (not just being quiet or shy, but, as OP describes, literally either unable or unwilling to even smile back or respond at all to a basic question), plus at least 1 person with hearing loss so significant they also can't contribute at all - but if this is the case, it is completely unfair to OP to surround her with all 3 of them rather than spreading them out.

Apart from anything else it's also not great for the silent people themselves -assuming they like to be surrounded by conversation (because otherwise why agree to go) and feel part of the group, they would probably prefer to be amongst chatters, where there is less pressure and they might feel comfortable to at least contribute a few words to the conversation, smile/nod/laugh along, while the others are carrying the majority of it - rather than being the only person being asked questions of by OP in a desperate attempt to avoid sitting in silence while feeling judged by the other non-talkers.

Would posters honestly confront people who weren't saying much at a community garden? The self centredness and lack of imagination is mine blowing on here sometimes.

But they are not at a community garden. This is a social event organised which takes place in a pub. It's right there in the OP. The garden thing is incidental detail, these people could have been brought together in any other context.

tbh it sounds quite unusual that in a comparatively small group there are at least 2 people with such significant issues with speaking (not just being quiet or shy, but, as OP describes, literally either unable or unwilling to even smile back or respond at all to a basic question), plus at least 1 person with hearing loss so significant they also can't contribute at all

Judging from OP's nastier updates I suspect there is a fair bit of exaggeration going on here.

There is a reason op has been placed there in the seating plan, either organiser doesn’t like them or it’s actually op who no one wants to sit with 😅

Do you really think it helps your argument to decide that a) this is a small group so I must be lying/ exaggerating and b) that I've been placed with the silent ones because no one likes me? Not sure that being bitchy is going to do any favours for the ND/ shy/ socially awkward cause.

It’s a hobby gardening club, not a therapy group. OP isn’t obliged to “support” people who can’t make a shred of effort to be sociable. It’s not her problem.

Let them bring a carer if they need someone at their side. Why should she do all the heavy lifting at what is supposed to be a benign social event?

OP, are you going to confront the woman who mandates the seating assignments?

Maybe some hypothetical gardening-related problems or other things related to the club to ask their advice on in case there’s a lull? Or listen to the most recent Gardeners Question Time in case they have too and you have some common ground

I've contacted her, waiting for a response. She's not someone I've encountered before (she volunteers on a different day of the week to me) but she has a formidable reputation so I'm waiting with some trepidation.

Not sure that being bitchy is going to do any favours for the ND/ shy/ socially awkward cause.

Ah, so you really are just a nasty piece of work? Got it.

Let them bring a carer if they need someone at their side.

They haven't asked the OP to sit near them. It's not the OP's responsibility to be anyone's social support human, but if that's the expectation it's not coming from them. Likewise they are just as entitled to attend the event as the OP and are not responsible for the seating plan.

You're the one bitching about having to sit with the disabled. I'm sure it would be lovely for the person with hearing issues to discover that you're claiming it's abusive to be sat opposite them in a quieter end of the table where they could potentially be able to hear enough to have a lovely conversation.

I would try and make an effort with the one who has hearing difficulties. That person will find it easier to talk to just one person they are opposite than trying to follow multiple conversations.

I haven't said any of that. Go back and read my posts. I have no idea if either of the people seated each side of me have disabilities. Neither has communicated with me at all.

Acknowledging that someone's disability makes communication difficult and that that has a knock-on effect on me isn't bitching.

I’d just be as chatty as possible. Start with the weather, then talk about the pub / venue, who’s been before etc. Ask how long they’ve been in the group, where they live, family local etc, if they open up then great, if not I would stop trying and just appreciate they are quiet people. But try your best initially.

Acknowledging that someone's disability makes communication difficult and that that has a knock-on effect on me isn't bitching

No, but wondering why on earth someone quiet might want to go to a social event and suggesting that being asked to sit next to such a person for a meal is "abusive" isn't very nice, is it?

Of course I will make an effort with her. I appreciate how hard it will be for her. She struggles enough in a relatively quiet one-to-one gardening situation so I imagine a busy pub restaurant will be even more challenging. Yes, it will be hard for her — and it will also be hard for me.

and suggesting that being asked to sit next to such a person for a meal is "abusive" isn't very nice, is it?

You know that's not what I said.