Tips for dining with very quiet people

[nomorequinoa]

I volunteer with a gardening group that helps tend a local park and have made friends with a couple of people there. Some of those involved are very quiet types. I've been helping out since last summer and there are several people who've avoided eye contact or just nodded and then ignored me or turned away when I've said hello or tried to start a conversation.

The group has occasional social events and there is a group dinner in a pub organised next week. I booked a place. I've just been sent the table plan (the woman who organises these get-togethers always does a table plan that we're expected to stick to, apparently) and I'm positioned between one person who has never said a word to me and one who has barely said hello. Opposite me is someone with hearing difficulties who doesn't communicate easily.

One of the friends I've made through the group has said that once the meal is over we're allowed to move and I'm to head up to her end of the table. I get the feeling that people are expected to take it in turns to sit with the quiet people.

I'm not a particularly garrulous sort of person, but I was raised to make polite conversation. I'm beginning to get nervous about the event. Do I try to start up a conversation or would that be intrusive?

Wow there are some really sharp posts on this thread. She asked for ideas and advice and I gave some suggestions. Saying "how about quiet people talk more" isn't really an answer.

Anyone else considering posting a fresh reply on this thread, my advice is - DON'T!!

Can you explain why the kind, accommodation only goes one way?

Let's be clear, that isn't abuse. Not in any way, shape or form.

I think you might be wrong.
The definition is : to use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse.

It’s not the non talkers as such , it’s the organiser of the seating plan.
The same as putting a non talker at the loud end.

It's a community voluntary dinner. Whom she's sat next to is pot luck. There is no abuse involved. Such an odd suggestion.

If you're sat on a quiet table, you make conversation as best you can, smile, have dinner and if nobody is reciprocating, get on with it for what, an hour?

Perhaps they are unable. Voluntary work is a way that a lot of people contribute to society without the wherewithal to do a conventional job so it follows there may be some who may not be able to fully follow social convention at this point for whatever reason. How on earth does this tally with the OP being abused by any definition? She has chosen this group and activity. Nobody owes her entertainment.

It's a voluntary gardening group, not a Meet Up. Perhaps another type of organisation may be more appropriate

Has the OP asked herself why an hour or so's quiet company has caused her to resort to such anxiety and overwrought, rather offensive language?

But it's the exact opposite of "potluck." The organiser has made a seating chart that the OP has been specifically told is forbidden to be deviated from.

Potluck would be everyone going randomly to select seats. This is a mandated seat that was chosen FOR the OP, not BY her, by one of the group leaders.

I would consider myself abused if I contributed labour to a volunteer group and attended a voluntary event and an authoritarian third party ordered me to sit where I would be distinctly uncomfortable.

Dictionary
Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more

a·bu·sive
/əˈbyo͞osiv/
adjective
adjective: abusive
1.
extremely offensive and insulting.
"he became quite abusive and swore at her"

Agree. This is not 'potluck'. I would expect that the organiser knows everyone. It is not the Oscars. This is the OP's first time signing up. She was assigned to sit between the 2 quiet ones when she could have at least someone who is not quiet on one side.

It isn't pot luck, and neither is it abuse.🙄

It's potluck to the OP. She doesn't get a choice.

Then unfortunately I think you may also consider yourself quite delusional.

The person opposite has hearing difficulties but you don't say they're shy. If you make the effort, you can get them talking surely? Stick with what you've all got in common - gardening - and do your best. Remember, if they've agreed to come they want to be there. You'll get your reward in heaven, OP.

How did it go op? Just throwing a small curve ball in here, I'm super chatty and have no issues chatting usually.
I was thinking back however to some children's clubs I used to go too when I had little ones.
I had been traumatised by a close sudden loss and the sudden plummet in relations with our closet family then mil. I remember going to these groups and it felt like the mum's already knew each other and I completely lost all confidence to try and chit chat. When someone approached me it was always comments like are you shy or it must be hard being an introvert around children etc.

It was almost like I was locked in?
One day an ambulance person husband approached me and started a real conversation and it was so strange but I was able to relax and be more myself. It was like he helped me cross the river.
It was such a small gestures and I wondered if his wife had asked him to do it and of course being an ambulance man they can and have to talk to everyone.