Tips for dining with very quiet people

[nomorequinoa]

I volunteer with a gardening group that helps tend a local park and have made friends with a couple of people there. Some of those involved are very quiet types. I've been helping out since last summer and there are several people who've avoided eye contact or just nodded and then ignored me or turned away when I've said hello or tried to start a conversation.

The group has occasional social events and there is a group dinner in a pub organised next week. I booked a place. I've just been sent the table plan (the woman who organises these get-togethers always does a table plan that we're expected to stick to, apparently) and I'm positioned between one person who has never said a word to me and one who has barely said hello. Opposite me is someone with hearing difficulties who doesn't communicate easily.

One of the friends I've made through the group has said that once the meal is over we're allowed to move and I'm to head up to her end of the table. I get the feeling that people are expected to take it in turns to sit with the quiet people.

I'm not a particularly garrulous sort of person, but I was raised to make polite conversation. I'm beginning to get nervous about the event. Do I try to start up a conversation or would that be intrusive?

OK, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that that bit came out clumsily (it's still a total exaggeration btw whoever you think is doling out the "abuse"). But you meant the first bit of that post that was equally nasty.

Lol Op great thread. Can you arrive early, take the silent person’s seat and chat to the person on the other side? Are they more chatty?

Do update post dinner !

For the record this is what I said:

I'm saying that it feels a bit abusive to be expected to have to suppress my own needs and desires (for a little pleasant chat and connection) in order to accommodate others' needs for silence in a very specific social situation. It feels a bit abusive that I'm expected to sacrifice whatever pleasure I might have got out of the event in order to be a nice, quiet, understanding presence for the quiet people. And I think it's also quite telling that the organiser has chosen a woman for this job, because much more is expected from women in these situations than men.

I guess it's an option. We'll see what happens when the organiser contacts me.

Earlier, you said "Do they persuade themselves that by going out with other people they have friends and a social life?"

Don't worry, @nomorequinoa some of us have no problem understanding what your saying and have empathy for you.

Well done for contacting the formidable organiser.

And I hope you are able to enjoy your night

I think in your position OP I would spend 90 minutes sitting quietly and smiling occasionally, then thankfully escape to the other end of the table. I would indulge myself by NOT trying to make converstion.

I totally understand where you are coming from @nomorequinoa and for that reason I don’t go to social things.

I am the one people don’t want to sit next to. I am hard of hearing in noisy places, I can’t make small talk and I know that given a choice people don’t want to sit next to me.

I am quiet and whilst I want to be part of works dos / social situations with people I volunteer with I decided a few years ago that I would stop going out. No point feeling awkward and making other people feel awkward and moving away as soon as they can do. Believe me, it is noticeable and hurtful.

I wonder why the quiet people are going to the meal? Maybe they are happy not chatting? I don’t know. But I do know making someone who is talkative / loud / out going / popular or whatever sit next to those who are seen as difficult is really unfair.

OP, I'd be quite annoyed with the organiser of the seating arrangement. What I don't understand (and apologies if you have already addressed it) is why both quiet people have to be on either side of you. If the awkwardness of sitting with quiet people has to be taken in turns to be shared, then surely splitting them up so at least you have the person on the other side to talk to (half the time) is better than silence for the whole meal or shouting across the table?

If this is the first social event you have signed up for in this gardening club, I would think that the organiser is 'punishing' you in some weird power play.

I missed this comment.
That is really unkind.
Whilst I have said all the things I said in my previous post about not going out, I do have friends and a social life. Just not with the people I work with / volunteer with.

Good idea. If there are name cards, you can swap them around.

i know your pain 😂 every week i go to a group where at least 2 people don’t speak at all, and nobody wants to sit next to them, my friend ends up sitting in the middle of the pair of them 😂 every week, but she does chat and will chat with people opposite her,

just know it’s one night only, a couple of hours, so try to chat with them, if it fails then bolt your food down, drink wine and get to your friend asap 😂

It is, isn't it? I was sympathetic to OP until that post.

Some meals are so arranged that everyone changes places at first course, main course, pudding and coffee.
Sounds good for this situation.

So the d/Deaf or hard of hearing person you've mentioned is inconsequential and you're happy to sit opposite them?

What does it matter if the two either side of you aren't particularly talkative, then? It'll make it easier for the person opposite you, after all.

Or are you speedily backpedalling on the d/Deaf or HoH person, despite feeling the need to include them in your initial complaint?

The op is getting a lot of nasty comments here. And I'm saying that as parent of a lovely autistic daughter who is often quiet at social situations where she doesn't know people. She would never blank anyone because she's not rude.

To me it's the people who blank you who are rude and unkind.

I think she needs to consider the setting. It's gardening volunteering group. People will be there for all sorts for reasons at all sorts of life stages looking for purpose in the community. She is herself if she feels it's abusive not to have her requirement for chat fulfilled by people who may be socially awkward. That is a deeply strange comment in the circumstances.

Let me guess, all the chatty, funny people are sitting round the woman who did the table plan.

You’re “allowed” to move later? What kind of bullshit is this? You are all adults, surely you can sit where you want.

It sounds a bit contrived to me. I’d be giving the whole thing a miss.

I agree with this.

OP, you do not have to put up with this crap.

Table plans annoy me. Some bossy so and so who wants the power. Had a christmas dinner once with a volunteer group where I was plonked with the people I didn't know. Not hugely enjoyable.

But in your situation maybe think of conversation starters? Eg what tv have they watched? Are they going away? Family questions.

No it’s not. Deliberately seating a newcomer between TWO people known to be non talkers is a hostile and abusive gesture.

Dinner sitting next to a bunch of people where you will be the one doing all the social heavy lifting sounds exhausting. I would skip the main course and turn up for dessert and post dinner drinks where you can mingle a bit more.

Reluctant to post as it seems OP is keen to jump down the throats of some responders. But anyway, we can't always be sat next to who we want when it comes to table plans.

Just be open to meeting all sorts, even people who are different to you. Be curious. The deaf one might be thrilled at someone making an effort to communicate. Take a pen and pad or figure out how you might include them in conversation. Try finding a way to get on with the other 2. Try Companiable silence. Or listen to other conversation and refer to it with them if they are also listening.

It's good that menopause has taught you to look after number 1 more but don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Being nice, kind, accommodating, understanding, inclusive etc is not a bad thing!!

Being nice, kind, accommodating, understanding, inclusive etc is not a bad thing!!

The OP just wants to eat out with the gardening group. You're suggesting she actually plans ahead and brings a pen and pad so she can spend her evening communicating with someone. Perhaps she should learn sign language.

How about the silent ones are nice, kind and accommodating and actually talk.