Tips for dining with very quiet people

[nomorequinoa]

I volunteer with a gardening group that helps tend a local park and have made friends with a couple of people there. Some of those involved are very quiet types. I've been helping out since last summer and there are several people who've avoided eye contact or just nodded and then ignored me or turned away when I've said hello or tried to start a conversation.

The group has occasional social events and there is a group dinner in a pub organised next week. I booked a place. I've just been sent the table plan (the woman who organises these get-togethers always does a table plan that we're expected to stick to, apparently) and I'm positioned between one person who has never said a word to me and one who has barely said hello. Opposite me is someone with hearing difficulties who doesn't communicate easily.

One of the friends I've made through the group has said that once the meal is over we're allowed to move and I'm to head up to her end of the table. I get the feeling that people are expected to take it in turns to sit with the quiet people.

I'm not a particularly garrulous sort of person, but I was raised to make polite conversation. I'm beginning to get nervous about the event. Do I try to start up a conversation or would that be intrusive?

Me too @RaininSummer
I would be sick with anxiety if I had to sit and eat dinner with people who don't interact.

Give it a go. They might be chattier than you're expecting. Volunteering/Gardening would seem obvious topics, their garden, favourite plants, best gardens you've visited. Failing that, you could always just talk about yourself 😂

It's pretty mean and actually a bit stupid on the part of whoever did the seating plan. Chatty people like you can't have conversations with brick walls. But if you had another chatty person within talking distance then the two of you could maintain a conversation and incorporate the silent ones, either with statements/questions or just by including them with eye contact. Better for everyone. I used to do seating plans in a similar type of group and we always made sure every 'conversation circle' had at least one 'conversation starter' type and at least one 'responder' type. Assuming there are enough chatty people in the group as a whole, I would approach the table planner and insist s/he tweaks it so you don't have absolutely nobody to talk to. If they refuse, offer to swap places with them! Or just say you'll bow out this time as it's going to be very awkward for both you and the people you're sitting with.

Surely the sensible thing would be to seat the quiet/socially awkward people together?

The organiser is trying to engineer conversations by seating them with chatty people like the OP. These people do not WANT to be chatted at, they just want to sit there in silence and eat their meal. Which I think is pretty weird, but that's their look out.

However much the organiser tries to engineer the situation with the seating plan, she's just pissing off the mute people, and pissing off others like the OP who want to have a chat and don't want to sit eating their meal in silence. So everyone loses.

I would think up 3 questions now, ask them on the day and if they don’t work to stimulate conversation then just forget about it and read your phone instead to aliviate the awkwardnsss

I was once sat next to a monk at a dinner party. It was very, very hard going!

I have a family member who loves going out for dinner but is not the greatest conversationalist, especially with people they don’t know very well.
I keep encouraging them to attend such meals, as each time it helps their confidence grow a little. They are not unpleasant, just less socially confident than average and are actually very good at humoring ‘talkers’ who lack social listening skills and often seen to have a bad case of verbal diarrhea.

This thread has actually made me feel very sad that people are so judgemental of other people who are not as socially confident as themselves.

Oh god, this has brought back painful memories of a charity dinner I attended with a relatively new boyfriend years ago.

We were a table of eight and I was seated between someone's husband who never spoke and someones wife who never spoke. It was excruciating trying to get them to open up. Neither one looked at me or spoke a word while the rest of the table chatted away.

Mortifying. It was in the days before smart phones too, so nothing to do but sit there and eat my dinner.

Ive often wondered why people like that go to social functions? What's the point? It's as awkward as arse for everyone.

My boyfriend kept giving me pitying glances across the table.

I wouldn't dream of taking my phone out and reading while I eat. That would feel exceptionally rude.

@Game0fCrones I was in a similar position at a wedding last summer — stuck between strangers who had nothing to say to me. Fortunately on that occasion there was a spare seat and I was able to move and sit with more sociable people.

Try to start conversations, ask about them, ask for info on flowers or plants...and if they don't want to talk...you enjoy the food, have a couple glasses of wine, and escape as soon as you can.

What you (and others) seem to be saying is that I have to do all the work and show all the sensitivity and endure the situation, while meanwhile there are other people who get to enjoy their evening. I think I may rebel against the table plan. Wondering whether I dare approach the woman who's organised this and say I want to sit elsewhere. At the very least she could put the non-talkers together so that I have someone on one side who'll talk to me.

I find it very odd that there is a seating plan in the first place. Why does that happen? I’ve been to a lot of hobby group nights out and never had a seating plan. I would go along but ask for it to be raised as a question at the next committee meeting AOB - is a seating plan really necessary for social events?

Some people are comfortable with companionable silence. Some are shy. It's just as hard for a non-chatter to have to make small talk as for a chatty person to have to sit quietly with a quiet person. But neither is the 'right' one. They are members of the group. Why not just accept them as they are?

This. If I’m going out to dinner, unless it’s a professional situation, I’m going out to enjoy myself, not as some form of facilitator for the silent and/or socially awkward. Particularly poor form to stick you with the unspeaking when you’re new. Go and sit where you like. The habitually silent can be silent together.

Because they will bore her. She’s going out to have a good time, not to sit as at a Quaker meeting.

Yes, you should approach her. Tell her you're uncomfortable being seated next to these people because you have tried to talk to them on previous occasions and they literally blank you. Seriously - I would just be honest.

I do accept them as they are. They're fine by me, I just don't want to be stuck sitting silently next to them in a social situation when I could be having interesting conversations and getting to know other people. I signed up to help out with the gardens, get some fresh air, learn a bit about plants and maybe make some new friends. Not provide companionship for people who, for whatever reason, barely acknowledge my existence.

I would ask yes/no questions so they feel included without having to talk more if they don't want to.
"Have you been to this restaurant before?"
"What have you decided to order? It all looks so nice"

You don't have to have meaningful conversation or open yourself up to a closed conversation/rejection. Just chit chat, they might just open up

Conversation is two way. You can’t chit chat to people who won’t answer you.

Don’t say anything or be the person who makes all the effort. If they want silence, silence they should have.

I agree with you, ask to sit elsewhere. If that’s but possible don’t bother trying to chat it ask questions if they’re too rude to answer you.

I would ask the organiser (Or just move), yes. At the very least they could swap you with non-talker on either your left or right so you have other talkers on at least one side of you/opposite you.

As others have said, the fact that they've gone to the effort of making a seating plan (I have literally never heard of this for a casual meet up!) suggests they know how awkward (and rude) these people are, but that's no reason for you to have to suffer them. They can sit in silence together!

You make a very fair point about you being expected to make all the effort and be aware of all their potential issues and sensitivities when not getting anything back. There's a huge difference between someone who is a bit socially awkward or shy but still tries to engage, smiles, etc, even if they struggle to carry the conversation so you have to lead it, and people who literally blank you and refuse to make eye contact.

Oh no OP, that is my idea of torture. Maybe try and instigate some conversation around travel, favourite movie, book etc and if all else fails sit in silent boredom, finish your meal and then get up to mingle as soon as you can! I hope there is alcohol!

This.

One person dictating a seating plan in this situation seems bonkers. Been to many social gatherings of this nature and even children in this kind of setting have the capacity to work out seating arrangements for themselves!

There is a distinct possibility that these people are better at a different style of communication. Instead of small talk, it involves mirroring and building on the conversation. I share something I am interested in. The other person shares something similar. Perhaps I mention a television show that had a beautiful garden and hope to use that as a springboard to get people talking about their fandoms. Or you say that you went to check out a particular garden and saw a yarn store and ask if anyone has been. That could trigger someone to talk about how they have not but they have been knitting for many years and then tell you about their works in progress.

if they are like me, they have been told that this style of communication is rude in mixed company. It reveals too much about yourself. It hogs the conversation when you share something similar but adjacent to the conversation. People don’t want that much detail about any subject. However, this is how many ND people communicate.

when we get together without the mainstream people around, the conversation tends to flow very quickly.

of course, they might just be quiet.