Tips for dining with very quiet people

[nomorequinoa]

I volunteer with a gardening group that helps tend a local park and have made friends with a couple of people there. Some of those involved are very quiet types. I've been helping out since last summer and there are several people who've avoided eye contact or just nodded and then ignored me or turned away when I've said hello or tried to start a conversation.

The group has occasional social events and there is a group dinner in a pub organised next week. I booked a place. I've just been sent the table plan (the woman who organises these get-togethers always does a table plan that we're expected to stick to, apparently) and I'm positioned between one person who has never said a word to me and one who has barely said hello. Opposite me is someone with hearing difficulties who doesn't communicate easily.

One of the friends I've made through the group has said that once the meal is over we're allowed to move and I'm to head up to her end of the table. I get the feeling that people are expected to take it in turns to sit with the quiet people.

I'm not a particularly garrulous sort of person, but I was raised to make polite conversation. I'm beginning to get nervous about the event. Do I try to start up a conversation or would that be intrusive?

I completely disagree with this, if people are this socially awkward why are they coming to the dinner. There's nothing worse than trying to make conversation with someone who doesn't (or can't) make any effort and why should you have your dinner ruined. I'd ask to be moved. Why is there a seating plan, or is this a strategic move so no one has to sit by these people? I really do sympathise as work Christmas parties were like this, luckily there was no seating plan, but it was terrible if you got stuck by someone boring and had to watch everyone else having a good time

It seems oddly controlling of someone to have made a table plan for an event such as a pub meal, which should be pretty informal.

People should just go and sit with whoever they want.

Because it’s supposed to be a fun social event as opposed to work or a formal meal.

How is it judgmental @Pandersmum ?

Probably exactly how they are feeling if you want to turn it around.

Honestly? I’ve been that person in the past. I still am sometimes. Sometimes being with other people even though I can be very quiet is a lifesaver.

loud, chatty, people who just won’t shut up, asking continuous questions makes ME feel anxious which in turn stops me from speaking.

theres a woman in our craft group who doesn’t shut up, she’s loud, asks questions all the time, can’t get a word in edgeways, the conversation between all the ladies is very specific, it’s either about their dhs, their professional jobs, their elderly mothers, their social life, none of which I have and so I don’t or rarely speak, I just sit and crochet and smile a lot and look interested. But the group is an absolute lifeline for me as they all just let me be and nice too

when it came to our dinner I was placed next to another quiet person and we got on like a house on fire 😂 we actually talked

Why not switch with the one on the left so the non talkers are next one another?

It’s insane that this organizer is telling people where to sit, in the first place. She’s not the host; it’s not her prerogative.

Quiet/shy/introverted people are allowed out to dinner! The way this thread has gone, it’s like they are a special breed of people who shouldn’t be allowed out. They could really be struggling for any number of reasons. I’m sure they may also be really nervous about the dinner and may have put themselves out there to go. Where is the compassion?

The issue here isn’t them anyway, it’s the organiser. A table plan is so patronising and controlling. I would email her and say you want to sit with your friend.

I would do everything in my power to change seats. I hate carrying conversations with no input from the other person and frankly the older I get the more I resent it.

Emma Barnett did a brilliant piece on this on WH how women are expected to “carry” social situations. It’s an effort and she refuses to do it any more if the other person (usually a man) won’t put in equal effort

I would probably confront them: “is there a reason you are not conversing with me?!”

If it’s a gardening group just ask them about something they’ve worked on or like! Also you can never go wrong asking about their food etc

My FIL sits in silence leaving others to make the effort: I was tired from work and decided that actually I couldn’t be arsed to make conversation so i mirrored him. Within minutes I get “are you ok” “you seem quiet”. Pissed me off that he was allowed to sit in silence but I wasn’t 🙄.

I would just focus on enjoying my meal. I'd offer pleasantries from time to time - 'nice pub, isn't it' 'type of remark - but if they didn't want to develop them into a conversation, that's fine - if it's the way they are, it's nothing personal. Once the meal is over, it's normal for people to drift round and talk to others, so it isn't as though you are doomed to a night of silence.

Who does miss table plan think she is anyway if she’s not hosting?! I would ignore the table plan and sit where I wanted. What’s she actually going to do?! Give you a detention?

Bet she does the table plan to ensure she’s sitting with the fun crowd and someone else who is not her gets your evening.

These people probably have a lot of difficulties, they’ve joined a group so that they can try to interact and have some meaning in their lives. Please be kind and just ask open ended questions. They will be way more nervous than you

That kind of thing happens even if there isn't a table plan. In a large group there's always a 'fun' end of the table, or a 'fun' table if more than one table. The fun crowd will always flock together.

I would message the person who has organised the seating plan and tell them you are unhappy being dictated to about who you sit with. If she is engineering this seating plan for the non speakers then she can sit with them.

Introverts are able to be polite. Responding with “hello” or even a smile and not turning away when someone greets us is well within our toolkit.

If someone can’t even manage that most basic of interactions, it’s little wonder the OP isn’t keen on sitting with them for a meal that they are paying for and may be relying on for company themselves. No need for a guilt trip. I have more compassion for the hard of hearing person who is doubly isolated by the seating plan.

As everyone else has said, the seating plan is awful. People should be allowed to seat themselves and the quiet people spread through the group.

You are entirely correct. It is not your job to support the socially awkward or carry the evening or accept that, until the pudding stage, you are stuck with people who have attended but bring nothing to the evening. I'm in a walking group. We walk a few miles and then go to a local place for food . Some people join because they feel they they should be more sociable. That means they have to try. They HAVE to give something. I have spent so many times sitting with someone next to me and someone opposite me who give either no answer or a one word answer to my attempts. I've paid to be there too. I've paid money for my meal. I'm not an unpaid counsellor. If this situation is excruciating for you then admit it to yourself and stay at home.

Refusing to engage socially is more than being an introvert surely? Lots of low
key introverted people are good company. Not even being able to / bother to take part in a conversation is next level and yes unfair to put that on others.

You are not an unpaid therapist. Why should the organiser be allowed to direct where you may or may it sit and who you must talk/ not talk to?
If these few people benefit from help / gentle conversation then it is up to their friends , people who know them well to do this NOT the newbie of the group.
Your choices are

1. Suck it up and move at the earliest opportunity eg pre dinner mingling / pudding/ coffee time
2. Let the organiser that you don’t want to go and that the reason is her seating plan and ask for the seating plan idea to be scrapped next time.
3. Go and just add an extra chair to sit next to someone you do like - total rebellion.
4. Talk to the organiser , tell them you are unhappy and suggest that you swap with them if they think you have a fair draw and should suck it up.
5. Cry off with D and V / migraine and talk to someone who is a long standing member of the group to explain that you won’t come to social events if a seating plan is enforced by Queen Bee .

Good luck !

The quiet people are not the problem here! The bossy Queen bee with her table plan is!

I think I’d have a few questions/conversations my sleeve but if they weren’t getting anywhere I’d say something like ‘do you want me to keep talking to you or would you rather sit in silence?’
not in an arsey way-just to establish whether they were happy to continue with forced conversation or not.
if they choose silence I’d probably try to join the conversations of those sitting diagonally or get up and move asap

Jesus H Christ.

Just maybe it is nothing to do with you. Why do people have to be so bloody judgemental and rude?

My young adult child is a gentle kind soul who has recently found that they love nurturing plants. They have joined a volunteer gardening group. If they decided to join a night out I would be beyond thrilled. In the 5 years since they left school attending the gardening group is the very first step in pushing themself beyond their comfort zone. They spent 2 years in deep depression barely getting out of bed and to see them out working as part of a group is wonderful, albeit they are very quiet.

My child is autistic and has selective mutism, which is not about choices, it's a medical term meaning they cannot speak sometimes. In actual fact they are very funny, knowledgeable, witty and kind and being unable to speak when anxious has blighted their life. They just want to be accepted. If my child did manage to attend a meal and got sat next to a self centered twat who assumed their difficulty with speaking was a deliberate choice to be rude, and who confronted them in the way you suggest that you would, you would undo all the last 3 years of gradual progress. You would never see them at the gardening group again, that's for sure, and you would not have the slightest idea of the damage you would have done.

OP, the best way to interact with socially awkward people is to first off, assume no I'll intent from them. The fact they have signed up for the meal means they value the club and want to be there and part of it. Keep all conversation subject- focused rather than person- focused (eg talk about plant varieties rather than where they might want to go for a holiday). Act like their quietness doesn't bother you. And maybe they will be able to reply and talk.

There is no reason you have to make an effort to speak with these people, but please don't confront them, be unkind or assume they are deliberately rude. It's much much more likely that they find a quiet joy in being part of this group and very much want to be present.

OP, please don't do this. Don't confront them in any way.

Please assume good intent in them attending.

Just chat across them if subject focused chat doesn't work.

I struggle a little with similar social events, much better one to one in a less rigid environment. Probably ND.
I’m a lot better when there are visuals to help the conversation flow.
I would suggest taking a few gardening magazines so you could discuss the articles or pick favourite plants, at worst you could do the crossword and ask for help with the clues.
I would find it excruciating to sit there saying nothing and ironically am usually super chatty in formal situations probably about complete rubbish so I don’t make others feel awkward. Exhausted afterwards.