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Original poster

Ex partner leaves our autistic Teen son alone overnight

176 replies

NotallRainbowsandUnicorns · 13/04/2025 10:12

I've already looked up the law regarding this and there isn't actually any definitive law.

My son is only just 15,has autism but no learning disability.. He struggles with emotions, social difficulties and sensory processing. He has anxiety around school attendance though is fairly bright academically.

My ex partner, father of my 15 year old autistic son has started making a habit of leaving out son alone overnight on a Friday or Saturday night. This is the 3rd or 4th occasion.

Our son has been living with his dad for over and considers himself to be 'primary carer', meaning he provides a bed to sleep in and most meals. I do all the emotional support, take him places, try to give him a decent quality of life. The only thing I don't give right now is a bed. That does need to change and nee to decorate his room but on my own so I don't find it easy.

Before you suggest out son stays with my on those nights, he won't because his gaming pc is set up at his dad's and that's his ultimate enjoyment and finds it easier to socialise that way due to his autism.

I haven't mentioned anything to his Dad about him leaving him alone overnight.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
changednameagain1234 · 13/04/2025 10:13

Get the room decorated asap and have him move back

Apreslapluielesoleil · 13/04/2025 10:14

How would your son cope if say a smoke alarm went off, someone knocked on the door? Would he be safe if he decided to cook something?

Seeline · 13/04/2025 10:17

Would your DSs autism prevent him phoning someone for help if he needed it?
Is his dad nearby?
Could you go to your DS in an emergency?
Would he know what to do if there was a fire, or if he hurt himself?

Is your DS happy being left?

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15 year olds Families Family law
Theunamedcat · 13/04/2025 10:17

Can he cope in an emergency? My 16 year old autistic teen would be paralysed in indecisiveness and fear (so I don't leave him unsupervised for long periods before anyone asks)

Original poster
NotallRainbowsandUnicorns · 13/04/2025 10:25

Apreslapluielesoleil · 13/04/2025 10:14

How would your son cope if say a smoke alarm went off, someone knocked on the door? Would he be safe if he decided to cook something?

Edited

His coping skills fluctuate.

He hates loud noises,would not cope alone with a smoke alarm going off.

He can cook and do a limited amount of self care. However he needs prompting as his executive functioning and working memory are poor. He can use his phone and he would call me or Dad if he was scared,

OP posts:
Original poster
NotallRainbowsandUnicorns · 13/04/2025 10:28

changednameagain1234 · 13/04/2025 10:13

Get the room decorated asap and have him move back

I have ordered the window blinds and plan to start painting this week.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotallRainbowsandUnicorns · 13/04/2025 10:29

Theunamedcat · 13/04/2025 10:17

Can he cope in an emergency? My 16 year old autistic teen would be paralysed in indecisiveness and fear (so I don't leave him unsupervised for long periods before anyone asks)

Similar to my son. I don't agree with Dad's judgement. He doesn't seem to take DS autism seriously.

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 13/04/2025 10:30

Have you recently separated and you've moved out of the family home? What is wrong with the current decor that he can't stay in his room?

FortyElephants · 13/04/2025 10:30

Why don't you have a bed for him?

Meadowfinch · 13/04/2025 10:31

As kids, we were rehearsed in what to do in various emergencies. If there was a fire, how to get out if the stairs were blocked or a door was locked, where to go, when to dial 999, which neighbours we could ask for help. I've done it with my DS.

Make sure your DS knows what to do, then hurry up and get his room decorated - get him to help you - it's a good life skill.

Octavia64 · 13/04/2025 10:32

on the face of it this seems reasonable.

if dad is available at the end of a phone and is in a position to get home quickly if necessary (ie hasn’t driven 5 hours away or left the country) then this seems ok.

at 15 most teens should be able to cope overnight.
you say he doesn’t have any learning difficulties, would you expect the autism to impact negatively?

(I have a daughter with adhd and autism)

SheilaFentiman · 13/04/2025 10:33

Is your ex working on those nights?

SheilaFentiman · 13/04/2025 10:36

Even if you have the room ready (and you/DS could potentially sleep on a sofa or camp bed for a bit in a room with curtains?) would DS come to you on those nights, without his PC?

Original poster
NotallRainbowsandUnicorns · 13/04/2025 10:41

CaptainFuture · 13/04/2025 10:30

Have you recently separated and you've moved out of the family home? What is wrong with the current decor that he can't stay in his room?

We parted years ago. My DS has a room here but needs décor updating as it was done when he was 6 or 7. Also needs new furniture, desk, bed etc.

DS moved to his dad's because I wasn't well enough to care for him, through a breakdown of my MH ( coping too long with DS without support from Dad or family).

OP posts:
Original poster
NotallRainbowsandUnicorns · 13/04/2025 10:42

SheilaFentiman · 13/04/2025 10:36

Even if you have the room ready (and you/DS could potentially sleep on a sofa or camp bed for a bit in a room with curtains?) would DS come to you on those nights, without his PC?

No he won't. I've asked him.

But he will stay if he has his gaming equipment but that's set up at Dads.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotallRainbowsandUnicorns · 13/04/2025 10:43

SheilaFentiman · 13/04/2025 10:33

Is your ex working on those nights?

No he's out socially with a woman.

OP posts:
Apreslapluielesoleil · 13/04/2025 10:45

NotallRainbowsandUnicorns · 13/04/2025 10:25

His coping skills fluctuate.

He hates loud noises,would not cope alone with a smoke alarm going off.

He can cook and do a limited amount of self care. However he needs prompting as his executive functioning and working memory are poor. He can use his phone and he would call me or Dad if he was scared,

Show quote history

That has to be a no then— dad is wrong leaving him.

BlondiePortz · 13/04/2025 10:45

A bed can be in an undecorated room so what is actually the issue?

I don't know how we can answer if it appears you are leaving out half the story?

Original poster
NotallRainbowsandUnicorns · 13/04/2025 10:46

Octavia64 · 13/04/2025 10:32

on the face of it this seems reasonable.

if dad is available at the end of a phone and is in a position to get home quickly if necessary (ie hasn’t driven 5 hours away or left the country) then this seems ok.

at 15 most teens should be able to cope overnight.
you say he doesn’t have any learning difficulties, would you expect the autism to impact negatively?

(I have a daughter with adhd and autism)

Edited

Would you be happy your daughter being left overnight at weekends?

His autism can affect him unpredictably. So it's difficult to say how he would cope in scenarios by himself.

He has panic attacks if he feels overwhelmed so severe, he can pass out.

OP posts:
Simonjt · 13/04/2025 10:46

Most PC based games can be used via login once installed, or via usb, so he can carry on at your house if you buy a second PC. Gone are the days when its all saved on the cartridge.

SheilaFentiman · 13/04/2025 10:47

Sadly, then, OP, I am not sure there is much you can do. Be on call those nights that DS is alone and be ready to rush over? His dad is with him day to day now and has been for a little while - if they both feel comfortable that DS could handle an emergency then I don’t think you can fight that.

Can you meet up with DS on those nights so you know it is only 10pm to the next morning (or whatever) that he is alone?

I would be reluctant to leave a just 15 year old so I understand, but it’s not irresponsible to the point that any authority would be interested.

Original poster
NotallRainbowsandUnicorns · 13/04/2025 10:49

BlondiePortz · 13/04/2025 10:45

A bed can be in an undecorated room so what is actually the issue?

I don't know how we can answer if it appears you are leaving out half the story?

I've explained it in full detail.
If it was as simple as putting a bed in an undecorated droom, I would.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 13/04/2025 10:50

Simonjt · 13/04/2025 10:46

Most PC based games can be used via login once installed, or via usb, so he can carry on at your house if you buy a second PC. Gone are the days when its all saved on the cartridge.

It’s the setup that will matter to DS though - big screen, gaming chair etc.

kanaka · 13/04/2025 10:53

The pull of a gaming PC on an autistic teen boy is absolutely massive - and yes it is absolutely vital for their socialising. Don't underestimate it - that is 100x more important than paint and blinds and any decor/bed.

My 17yo DD's spare duvet cover which is on her bed a lot is a toy cars pattern that my 19yo DS had when he was 3 years old. It matters absolutely zero - she thinks it's cute.

In your position, I would give your DS your room immediately and find a way to duplicate his gaming setup in that room - use the decorating budget/ask family to help. Decorating isn't a priority. The computing setup is the key to all of this.

Original poster
NotallRainbowsandUnicorns · 13/04/2025 10:53

Meadowfinch · 13/04/2025 10:31

As kids, we were rehearsed in what to do in various emergencies. If there was a fire, how to get out if the stairs were blocked or a door was locked, where to go, when to dial 999, which neighbours we could ask for help. I've done it with my DS.

Make sure your DS knows what to do, then hurry up and get his room decorated - get him to help you - it's a good life skill.

I'll ask him but it's difficult to get him to do the simplest of chores, nevermind decorating!

OP posts:
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