Ex partner leaves our autistic Teen son alone overnight

[NotallRainbowsandUnicorns]

I've already looked up the law regarding this and there isn't actually any definitive law.

My son is only just 15,has autism but no learning disability.. He struggles with emotions, social difficulties and sensory processing. He has anxiety around school attendance though is fairly bright academically.

My ex partner, father of my 15 year old autistic son has started making a habit of leaving out son alone overnight on a Friday or Saturday night. This is the 3rd or 4th occasion.

Our son has been living with his dad for over and considers himself to be 'primary carer', meaning he provides a bed to sleep in and most meals. I do all the emotional support, take him places, try to give him a decent quality of life. The only thing I don't give right now is a bed. That does need to change and nee to decorate his room but on my own so I don't find it easy.

Before you suggest out son stays with my on those nights, he won't because his gaming pc is set up at his dad's and that's his ultimate enjoyment and finds it easier to socialise that way due to his autism.

I haven't mentioned anything to his Dad about him leaving him alone overnight.

What are your thoughts?

It's not a criticism of his dad. It's a concern that is a dilemma because DS has Autism and requires 'substantial support / supervision even if from.a distance in the house.

Unless you fully understand autism, you will have zero knowledge how extremely tough and challenging it is daily to parent alone with no other support.

The abuse from the partner at the time, it's not the victims fault. I wouldn't wish you to experience that because people assume it's so easy to walk away. I did by the way, after 6 months of a reign of psychological and physical terror ( with help from professionals)..

I don't understand why folk take things really out of context. Actually it's complete IGNORANCE.

Have you had a look online about the guidance and safeguarding issues related to Autistic 15 year olds. I don't myself know. I'd be really uneasy about this too. It's an unpredictable situation as he's Autistic. He can appear ok on the outside, but as a fellow parent, I understand it's so difficult to predict capability under certain circumstances. I'd look it up just so you can have a diplomatic conversation with his dad about it. He's probably totally underestimating some of his struggles. I notice many dad's do this with their Autistic kids.

I don't think it's a good idea for you to have your son full time OP if you're still vulnerable. I would work towards part time care, one to two nights over the weekend and see how you go.

You're best drowning out posts that are evidently devoid of experience and understanding or helpful guidance. I do today wish we had a block or drown out feature.

How does this prevent him staying on a Friday? Air bed, or mattress? If you're mentally able to care for your son of course. I don't know his needs, but judging on your concern regarding him being left a lone at 17, I'm guessing high. This is a lot of strain on your ex if he is the full time carer. Do you, or him have a family member that can go sit in your ex's house? I'm so sorry you're going through this op 💐

Based on your last update, it's not really safe for you to go there with the ex. I'd also be concerned about how your teenage son will be with you on your own staying there too often.

It may be the case that all you can do is the basics - 1 day overnight, 2 maximum. And explain to your son how much you love him yet your health is such that you can't give him everything he needs right now.

Every single brain dead posting on this thread should be absolutely and utterly ashamed.

Leaving aside everything else, no it’s not particularly age appropriate to leave a just turned 15 year old overnight alone, and is closer to neglect than anything else.

OP,I have been in a very similar situation (I spoke to children's services about my concerns they were useless so I wouldn't do this!).
You must get his room decorated/buy a bed this weekend and decorate the room together ASAP so he can sleep at home with you. If necessary, let him sleep in your room and you sleep on the sofa. My DS wouldn't have coped if anything happened (thankfully it didn't) but I couldn't quiz him on this as didn't want to frighten him more. In the meantime, I would write a list down of what to do in an emergency so it is infront of him (before he comes to sleep with you).

Every autistic dc is different so no one on here can say either way but a dm who has mh struggles and doesn’t live with her dc may not be best placed to make that decision either. She is 100% criticising the df and hoping to get validation on here. She’s also said the ds doesn’t want to live with his dad yet she’s doing very little to create an environment that’s right for him in her own house. It’s so messed up, I feel for this dc and whether he’s sometimes left over night or not is actually the least of op’s worries and not what should be her focus imo.

Thanks for your info.

I have offered my bed up to him but he won't stay with me until he has a gaming setup he can use. That is what is most important to him and even says if that was ever taken off him, he would run away!

That's his escapism from a world where being neurodiverse and struggling to 'fit in' with the majority leads to loneliness and poor MHealth.

NO you ARE NOT understanding any of this and seem quite ignorant on ASD.
Quote me where I have criticized the father?
Some situations are complex, this being one.
I came here not for validation, for advice from anyone with experience in this situation with teen DS, with autism 'requiring substantial support' according to his diagnosis from CAMHS coupled with being a very hormonal Teen who is larger and louder than me.

I have realised that online platforms expose you to all manner of judgemental attitudes, ignorance and abuse.

Yes, the brain dead dross here is incredible.
My first post and I have realised that you expose yourself to all manner of ignorant, judgemental attitudes and quite frankly a form of cyber bulling.

It should take 1 day and a £15 pot of paint to decorate his room. If its full of junk ask for some boxes from the local supermarket and put the things in the attic until you have time to sort them, and look on Facebook marketplace for a free or very cheap bed frame. If need be you can probably find a mattress there too, or you can buy an ex display mattress cheaper at a bed store.

Genuine question (I am not trying to be obtuse): what did autistic teenagers do before computers/consoles became so readily available? I know several autistic teenagers absolutely addicted to them and read about more on here.

You can get second hand gaming systems online. I bought one that lasted a few years.

I don't think you should give your bed up. You have to look after yourself. No one will ever advise you to look after yourself first on here. But you should.

If there's no way you can compel the ex to stop disappearing there's little you can do but share some of the load overnight part time. If you offer to make everything ok for your son this might give the ex a green light to leave everything to you again. That's not a good idea in this situation. You're best sharing this between you.

The advice given about emergency checklist sounds really good.

If son is in school and telling teachers about this, they're going to raise a few eyebrows. It's not ok really.

And put a gaming system on a credit card if need be. If that's what it takes to parent him then just do it. His childhoods nearly over you can pay it off down the line but you can't get this time back.

Reading, obsessively building things like models or blocks, drawing, building information stores/lists.
From the older autistic adults I know anyway.

It's not going to be over for OP for a long time. And it could be years and years. The key, vital component in this entire thread is that the son is Autistic.

Can you not just go on Facebook marketplace and buy a desk and bed for him? Then bring his gaming pc over and voila.

I would read (for hours), do jigsaw puzzles, or watch my special interest TV shows. Nowadays as an adult, I colour, comfort watch TV shows and play games.

Exactly!

For those who don't know on here......
ASD is a lifelong neurological condition and often called the 'hidden disability '.
You have to live with someone ASD to fully grasp the entirety of this disability.
Life coping skills take far longer to grasp than the neuro typical young person....as we know.

My husbands grandma had a collection of teacups, we now live in her house, we also discovered she catalogued each and everyone which included a drawing. Stamps, trains, buses, dinosaurs, bird watching, cigarette cards etc.

His primary care giver feels okay about leaving him overnight.

Maybe his primary carer is wrong though. Maybe it’s convenient to feel that. His other carer, OP, clearly doesn’t agree.

I would feel uncomfortable about leaving my 15 year old NT son alone overnight. It’s young.

My 17 year old has autism(aspergers) and adhd. There is absolutely no way I would leave him alone. His executive function is poor and he has high anxiety.
However everyone’s different of course.

OP, I would get a gaming set up in your house asap to make things easier. You need to continue sharing the parenting so you don’t get overwhelmed again. Mind yourself.

I think it’s perfectly fine. He’s 15, no learning difficulties. Mobile phones exist. No problems

I totally understand the predicament.

You can't just fix all this and skip off into the bloody sunset. And it's not on you to fix all this either. There are things I really find difficult in my own parenting situation and accepting I can't fix everything is crippling, but it's a daily battle.

You can't force the ex to stop disappearing but you have some power to limit the time alone half that time. It's going to be important to set boundaries with your son too. That would start with not giving up your bed because you need to maintain your own health. He'll be ok on a second hand sofabed or something. Teens don't care. Sounds like the console is the priority anyway. Being clear on time at yours is a good start too. You don't want to do this all alone by promising everything and then you suffer.

It's not your fault this situation is how it is.

So a variety of hobbies?

@Puddingandspice yes I agree. Very helpful and sensible post. Very much lacking on here.

I notice a common theme of father's minimising the struggles of their Autistic sons. In addition, one will find any narrative fits if it meets their needs. The son will possibly happily oblige to be left alone and the primary carer will happily re enforce that if it enables the meeting of his own sexual needs in this case.

OP, as mum, will know many things about her son that his own dad will be entirely oblivious to. I will almost guarantee that.