Ex partner leaves our autistic Teen son alone overnight

[NotallRainbowsandUnicorns]

I've already looked up the law regarding this and there isn't actually any definitive law.

My son is only just 15,has autism but no learning disability.. He struggles with emotions, social difficulties and sensory processing. He has anxiety around school attendance though is fairly bright academically.

My ex partner, father of my 15 year old autistic son has started making a habit of leaving out son alone overnight on a Friday or Saturday night. This is the 3rd or 4th occasion.

Our son has been living with his dad for over and considers himself to be 'primary carer', meaning he provides a bed to sleep in and most meals. I do all the emotional support, take him places, try to give him a decent quality of life. The only thing I don't give right now is a bed. That does need to change and nee to decorate his room but on my own so I don't find it easy.

Before you suggest out son stays with my on those nights, he won't because his gaming pc is set up at his dad's and that's his ultimate enjoyment and finds it easier to socialise that way due to his autism.

I haven't mentioned anything to his Dad about him leaving him alone overnight.

What are your thoughts?

That could be true but when things settle I think it is really important to not just let them game day in day out. It is going to cause much longer term issues having seen this play out with my young adult children's friends.
Their parents now have adults in the house who never learnt to socialise properly, struggle to do anything much else than game.

Is it possible for you to stay over in exDHs house whilst he is away?

Hard to say without knowing them. She said he can use the phone if there's an issue?

You would be surprised at who gets left home alone when it comes to those living with disabilities. I must of missed the post where she said he doesnt like being left alone or at his dads. Obviously that changes things.

I'm assuming that funds/ energy mean that blitzing the room in a week and getting it sorted is not a viable option and therefore will take more time.
Would your son find it helpful if there is a plan of action (possibly with rough timescales) and he gets a say on some of the priorities on it. Walls/ floors need to be dealt with first for logistical reasons, but order of furnishing/ trimmings is more flexible.

Every autistic person is unique, but consistency and predictability tends to be a common trait. Some people can cope with transitions better if they are structured.
It's not as simple as "he can sleep on a sofa/ airbed". If he could, he'd be doing that.
My son has slept on the carpet of a 4* hotel room because the bed and bedding were "wrong".

Most parents of NT children would not happily let their 14-15 year olds stay overnight on their own. Some posters have a weird double-standard where they expect a child with a development disability to be fixed by putting them through challenges they don't expect children of normal development to put up with.
From what OP describes, 99/100 he would exist through it without specific negative incident. The problem is an unreliable ability to cope on the off-chance that something random happens and he goes into a panic/ meltdown. If he came to harm from that, the consequences could be severe for him and his parents.

I still don't leave my autistic 14½ yo all day because while he would survive, existing on packets of hobnobs at the computer instead of being inclined to make some lunch is not good for his wellbeing. He needs more competence (and less fear) in the kitchen before he can be left for prolonged periods. Credit to him, when we've had power issues, I have found he's got to the fuse box before me to see if he can manage the issue (and it sounds like that's the kind of not dangerous, not incredibly rare situation that could trigger OP's son). He hasn't had the extensive difficulties that OP and her son have gone through.

The ex-is an arse for putting their son in this situation for his own frivolity.
(I knew of a 12-14yo put through a similar sutuation and it did a lot of harm to their emotional wellbeing)

The ex-is an arse for putting their son in this situation for his own frivolity.

I think “frivolity” is harsh. The ex has - very recently - started leaving his year 10 teen overnight one night a week/fortnight. From the sounds of it, this is so he can spend that night with his girlfriend. OP has also had a partner (an abusive one) since the split and it may be that the DS is not comfortable with Dad’s girlfriend being over.

Do I think the dad should have waited another 6-12 months before doing this? Probably. But there isn’t a true parallel with leaving a child from 12-14. I don’t think anyone would think 12 is acceptable. 15 is much more of a grey area.

This sounds like a really complicated situation, on many levels. Do you have real life support? Counsellor? Trusted GP? Social services? If not, can I gently suggest you get in touch with http://www.compass-ion.org/ who provide excellent support for survivors of domestic abuse, and (non-patronising) parenting courses.

In terms of your actual question about leaving DS overnight, would staying at his house for those nights be possible? Maybe on the sofa? That would mean he has his computer, you and his dad know he’s safe, his dad gets respite (which he probably does need) and you move towards having responsibility overnight again.

The ex is putting his desire for a sex life above his son. He's had him a year. A sodding year. OP has broken herself through looking after everything for 15 years with no support from the ex. He's assuming the boy is fine because it suits him. Not because his son is fine or that he's even really made sure of this.

I've had no relationships for most of my son's life while my exh shagged most of the region's available females. He will STILL cancel or mess us about to suit him when he has DS 2-3 nights out of 30 a month. Ime, many fathers are just totally selfish and see parenting as optional and definitely put their own wants and needs first. I've seen this with friends too.

I think we'd judge a mother leaving a vulnerable teen alone to have overnights with a boyfriend very harshly.

This is not a mature and trouble free 15 year old. He's vulnerable with additional needs.

But there isn’t a true parallel with leaving a child from 12-14.

Leaving an autistic (just turned) 15 year old is often like leaving a NT 12 year old though. Or an even younger child.

The maturity, the ability to cope, is simply not there in many cases.

I know I can’t leave my 17 year old autistic DC alone in the house any time, day or night. No learning difficulties involved. it’s just very different.

OP has broken herself through looking after everything for 15 years with no support from the ex.

They have been broken up about 8 years, not 15.

To clarify: I disagree with the dad’s actions on leaving his son overnight. But he has stepped up and had DS for the last year. Not giving him cookies for it, but painting him an outright and exaggerated villain doesn’t help OP much.

I will leave it there.

TBH .. depends on the ASD teen. My daugher is “high functioning”, and we started leaving her overnight at 16. We have family on the next street, she was in contact via WhatsApp, she’s fairly sensible.

Shes 18 now, and we are leaving her for 2 weeks over summer for a holiday.

ASD is a spectrum.

Yes.

Even so, just turned 15 seems a bit young.
Especially considering the difficulties OP has described, it doesn’t seem wise at the moment.

Do you pay child support?

you don’t have your child for overnights ever? When do you see him? You say you do all the emotional support and take him places, when do you do this?

if you were a man posters would be calling you Disney dad. Take him places but cba to get his room sorted so he can stay.

any reason you can’t replicate his gaming set up so he’s more comfortable staying?

I think you’re being harsh on his dad tbf. He has him full time. like I said, if the roles were reversed the responses would be very different.

if you think you can parent better step up and do it. If you think dad is being neglectful report to social services that you believe your child is being put in danger.

Did he have a gaming set up a year ago when he lived with you? Is that what he has at his dad's or is this gaming what dad has bought him?
To be honest you sound exhausted and I think it's a good idea,as pp have said, is for him to stay at Dad's and he just stay with you one night a week for now.

To be honest you sound exhausted and I think it's a good idea,as pp have said, is for him to stay at Dad's and he just stay with you one night a week for now.

But the issue is that he won’t come to OP even one night a week

He would if she had the right set up I’d say?

Can you offer to stay there on those nights? That’s what my ex does if I’m away (my daughter refuses to go to his as she has everything set up here - also ASD)

No unfortunately not. I would but Dad is not too welcoming. It was years before he let me into the house after the split.

I do have a real understanding and knowledge of autism. My son is autistic - the most severe kind with global developmental delay. I’m his primary cater.

You’re admonishing your son’s father but you won’t clean up a room so your son can live with you.

Your ex has him full time - he doesn’t even sleep at yours because you don’t have a bed ready for him. You are alleging neglect but you aren’t doing anything about it. How long will it realistically take to take your junk out of the spare room and put a bed in it??

The key question is why are you on mumsnet when you should be clearing out your junk room and making it available for your son?

Stating facts is not admonishing someone.

I simply said dad is Leaving him overnight on a regular basis.
As for not posting on Mumsnet because I should be sorting his room out .....then why does Mumsnet exists at all!! All mums should then not be posting but spending every minute if every day doing something related to their role as a mum. That's just hypocrisy.

Why are you posting then if your son needs are such a priory.
It's like saying " don't speak to people or friends family because I am a mum and Im not allowed to talk. It's absolute nonsense.

Ps.....my son does NOT have developmental delay. He has autism withta learning disability. He's full of opinions, emotions, opposition, hormonal and can be quite a handful with all of that. I am working on him with boundaries in our relationship as with autism, often the parent/child relationship can be very strained.

It's a whole lot more than just preparing a room, which yes I am doing, it's about being ready and strong enough with MHealth. I am also working on this. It's a PROCESS.

Also, doing all of that while working my job, running the house, trying to have some kind of life, having come through a 7 month battle to get my Dad diagnosed with Dementia (Was fobbed off so many times it was unreal, but I did not quit and now he has a diagnosis of Vascular Dementia) Also, having to deal with DS dad who does not communicate other than by text, despite me repeating myself that we need to discuss properly when problems arise with DS. Even in school meetings, DS dad will make conversations about himself.

All my emotional support was from 3 people who have now sadly parted. (including my mum, and my Children's Nanna). I have no family support. Maybe that is why we use MN!

Some minority of Folk on MN see what they want to see, interpret how they want to interpret, like to have an opinion and use this platform to be downright unkind. Re-educate yourselves with MN Talk Guidelines.

WE ARE ALL MUMS - the HARDEST job in the world right? Regardless if child is Disabled or not, that child is STILL a child with a real Mum. So why would you be so unkind to another mum who is simply posting about a situation.

Those of you who have been kind, helpful and even argued on my behalf, Thank you I do know who you are.

People weren’t being unkind. They were being realistic.

I’m sorry about the death of your mother and that you have depression. But you are the only mother your son has and you should be focussed on preparing a room for him to stay.

It doesn’t matter if everyone says your ex is a twat. You’re the only one with the power to change it.

When do you think you might be ready to house your son?

How is it realistic when they are not in my shoes and don't even know me personally! People just say what they want without actually THINKING.

My life is absolutely focussed on him. Always has been.
I pushed for his ASD diagnosis, which took 2 years of evidence gathering, appointments & assessments. All the while, he was having a MH crisis because he could not handle secondary school. He would call me from the loo sobbing, pick me up mum. This went on for 2 years. 2 occasions I took him to A&E because he was having suicidal ideations. I have been through everything with him.
I make sure he has access to hobbies, clubs and engage him with the world outside. He h as a special interest in Aircraft. I encouraged him to joint RAF cadets, he is a Cadet. I've taken him to airfields since he was pre-school, still do.

I've got him involved in a local charity that support kids with Autism. I taxi him everywhere he needs to go.
I've taken him on trips, holidays, days out etc.

Dad does not do anything of the sort. He basically provides a roof and a bed at the moment because of my MH breakdown after all I had done without support from DS dad. And actually opposed our DS ASD diagnosis, saying it wasn't going to help him in his future life!
I am not depressed by the way, just don't have emotional support which makes ALL the difference in getting through the tough times.

I am trying to decorate and buy furniture. He has outgrown the room as it was same decor for 10 years and bed is broken. I am gathering new furniture while I paint. I have ordered new window blinds etc. Time and money!

This describes what you ARE doing but not WHEN you are going to be finished preparing his room. Advice will be different depending on how long it is all going to take.