Ex partner leaves our autistic Teen son alone overnight

[NotallRainbowsandUnicorns]

I've already looked up the law regarding this and there isn't actually any definitive law.

My son is only just 15,has autism but no learning disability.. He struggles with emotions, social difficulties and sensory processing. He has anxiety around school attendance though is fairly bright academically.

My ex partner, father of my 15 year old autistic son has started making a habit of leaving out son alone overnight on a Friday or Saturday night. This is the 3rd or 4th occasion.

Our son has been living with his dad for over and considers himself to be 'primary carer', meaning he provides a bed to sleep in and most meals. I do all the emotional support, take him places, try to give him a decent quality of life. The only thing I don't give right now is a bed. That does need to change and nee to decorate his room but on my own so I don't find it easy.

Before you suggest out son stays with my on those nights, he won't because his gaming pc is set up at his dad's and that's his ultimate enjoyment and finds it easier to socialise that way due to his autism.

I haven't mentioned anything to his Dad about him leaving him alone overnight.

What are your thoughts?

15 is old enough to be alone in a house. I can see that your DS will have some additional challenges but SPD and emotional difficulties are not going to go away. If anything, it's good for him to have a longer time to ease into independence.

Age doesn’t really imply what the child is capable of if he has additional needs.

I have two sons and they really don’t care how bedrooms are decorated, it’s the gaming PC for sure, they have both of theirs set up just how they want them. If you can afford to replicate the set up at yours this would be the best solution, expensive but I’d do this for peace of mind. Or at least could you replicate the screens / desk etc and then he could just carry the base unit to yours. My eldest is nearly 15 and whilst not autistic and okay to be left fur in the day, I’d be concerned about what he’d do in the middle of the night if there was a fire and he’d been in a deep sleep or somebody at the door. Good luck OP.

You said people challenging you don’t have a real knowledge and understanding of autism. I said I do have an understanding. I think a lot of people commenting have an understanding. If it were me I would get the room together as quick as I could.

I don’t know your son’s care needs but your ex is entitled to time off. If you’re not happy about that then clean up your junk.

You’re saying your son wants to live with you and I’ve asked how long it will take to clean out the spare room.

If you’re not working over Easter then would it be realistic to do it this weekend?

I have NEVER asked for a medal or reward. I Certainly DONT think I am going 'above and beyond'.

What I explained was to previous quotes on here because folk were making certain comments I was not doing anything for my son. Which is clearly not the case, so I SPELT it out.

You need to read full thread to understand the conversation before chipping in with judgemental statements.

DS Dad, , is certainly NOT doing his best. He does the BARE Minimum. He spends NO quality time with DS, he is often out of the home and overnight at weekends. He complains to DS all the time. DS even says his Dad is the most negative, miserable person he has come across. Dad also has a reputation of being arrogant and self important.

How about YOU get on board with Mums here, who have THE hardest job in the world. You should know better.

The point of my original post has been completely lost in everyone's opinions and judgements.

I am now unwatching this thread because I realise that it's a complete waste of time.

Thankyou to those who have been genuinely kind and helpful.

YOU are doing the bare minimum!!

You are having a pity party.

You don’t even provide your son with a bed to sleep in because you can’t be bothered clearing your junk out of a room.

I’ve even told you it’s the Easter long weekend and if you have time off work you could do it. But you just want people to agree with you that your ex is a loser. Your ex - who is the only one housing your child.

I really don’t think this is helpful @Muffinmam. OP said she had a MH breakdown, caused at least partly by exhaustion and overwhelm.
She is now trying to get back on track again to support her son to the best of her ability.
How is telling her she’s not good enough going to help the situation?

I think saying, sort out the room and get the gaming stuff her son uses as a crutch if he can’t contemplate life without it is probably the best advice.

After all the OP wants her son home I think?

It’s hard to help beyond that because we have so little information. If the OP can get that sorted in the next week or so then the leaving ds alone isn’t going to be happening more than another couple of times at most. If not then “why not?” is crucial to find easiest fix. If OP can’t get it done for months and months then her sons situation needs sorting in a different way.

@Muffinmam your situation is tough and you deserve an absolute medal for this, because it's a very tough life.

However - OP is having an experience that is quite different to yours.

Many young ND teens are incredibly oppositional.( Especially those who would have been called Asperger's historically, or PDA).

If these kids are intelligent and able to manipulate or be oppositional, that is absolutely unmanageable for many. Yet on the outside, that same ND teen might mask well enough to seem NT or just about. And no o ewill realise what they are doing behind closed doors to make life unmanageable.

Most people on this thread are clueless and have NT kids so have no idea. There are other examples of parents to Autistic teens where they too don't understand how this is. It's not the same as your situation.

OP is alone, incredibly vulnerable with her history and a very difficult ex.

And I will bet my life the father does not fully acknowledge the extent of his autism, how it impacts him and will downplay it.

This pattern - with fathers of autistic boys - is never ending for mums on various groups I'm part of. It is like a formula!

I see that it's too much for OP to have her son in her home full time. I can see that OP knows that if she opens the door he might not go back to his dad. And then we have the chance she's having another breakdown. And her son won't have the capacity to stop doing what he does that leads her to this. She's probably slightly afraid of him.

She is not actively slagging off the father at all. She wishes he would just step up like she did for all those years alone!! She wants to sense check whether she's over reacting about him being left like this.

This is what this thread is telling us. There are reasons beyond what you're being told why OP is not rushing to get son back full time. Understand that you might not like that, but it's an experience many understand. OPs health must be the number one priority in her life. If people don't like this, they should scroll on.

OP has been treated absolutely appallingly on here and it's disgusting to be honest.

This post - not ok. Really not ok.

I'm sorry
My comment was shitty
I've requested it be deleted
Sorry

Wow. I wish more people could be like that. 💐

OP
You're being incredibly unreasonable. You can't provide any sort of overnight respite for your ex? He hasn't been leaving your son overnight for years, it just started recently so I'm assuming your ex used judgement to determine your son is ok.

Was that judgement sound though?

OP fears it wasn’t.

I agree. OP is highlighting concerns regarding the judgement, in various levels, hence sense checking on the wonderfully kind supportive MN 😬.

I think on the whole MN is kind and tries to support people and help them think things through. It works better if people try to engage with the problem rather than slipping into imagined scenarios.

Probably depends on the thread. Parenting ones involving Autistic kids are often hideous to endure.

I'm on a number of support groups online for parents of ND teens. The problem with fathers so overwhelmingly in these situations is repeated again and again like a formula.

It always involves, downplaying and denying the Autism, minimising it, gaslighting mum, refusing to even mention Autism. This is so formulaic we have debated it endlessly, including on various threads here.

We have determined that in may cases the fathers are themselves undiagnosed Autistic and therefore might not see the problem in the same way as another parent might.

OP isn't imagining anything. I knew exactly how this thread would unfold with her additional information before she even posted it! Because it's so formulaic it's like a textbook narrative.

Will the son be absolutely ok with this situation of out of action dad? Maybe he will be ok. That's the part no one can accurately predict.

@Wishyouwerehere50 I suspect if you no longer can see any explanation or outcome than the one you’ve described that you have ceased to see autistic and non autistic people as individuals. Yes there are familiar responses to human experiences but they are not as formulaic as you believe and the “we” you talk about does not add weight to your opinion but is a good indicator that you base your conclusions on stereotyping.

Your experience of men and autism is exactly that. An experience. If you want to hear other experiences you need to listen.

Yes that's an entirely valid point. My language is full of stereotypes and generalisation's which really isn't fair to do. Every person is an individual and unique, which my post really does fail to reflect. I hear you.

I'm sure I actually fit into a particular formula in many ways from another perspective. These dynamics often are such as my experiences and interactions do show.

This pattern of behaviour, described from OPs perspective is so terribly common, it is something to unpick and try understand. It unfortunately is formulaic in unfortunate ways.

Labelling an entire group isn't my intention 🙏.

@NotallRainbowsandUnicornsI hope that you’re still reading this post.

I think that you’re right to be concerned that DS is being left overnight at the weekends, that would worry me too.

My advice would be to go and speak to his school about what is happening. Be really clear about what parenting you are doing, what parenting your ex is doing, and what your safety concerns are.

School may be able to speak to dad and the social worker (if you have one) and to support to negotiate a middle ground solution which doesn’t involve ds being left alone. But in my opinion this is a safeguarding issue which you need to raise.

Would the school be involved with this?

The teen is 15 years old. He’s not been injured. He has two able bodied parents. He wants to live with his mother. She doesn’t want him to live with her - for various reasons.

What do you propose the school and social workers achieve? That they admonish the father for getting respite? He’s been doing everything alone for quite some time. The OP has clarified that her son doesn’t have special needs. So it wouldn’t be appropriate for him to go into a community respite home?

Or do you think the school and social workers will judge the father and guilt him into staying home?

@MuffinmamWithout knowing the young person it’s hard to be sure but I do think that the school would get involved and support with this.

The child does have reasonably severe additional needs, and 15 is very young to leave an autistic child overnight.

My guess would be that the school would talk to dad about his risk assessment of the situation and what he could do to mitigate some of those risks. In the same way they might if a parent was choosing to leave a NT child overnight at 12.

That might look like a coparenting agreement where op or a relative stays at his house on a Saturday night to support the child. Or where OP is supported to get to a place she is able to have DS once a week on a Saturday night.

Could you please clarify what you mean by this:-

“Or where OP is supported to get to a place she is able to have DS once a week on a Saturday night.”

Are you suggesting that a possible outcome is that the taxpayer funds the OP to stay in a hotel every Saturday night with her son so she doesn’t have to clear out her spare room?

This is utter madness to me. There are people who are homeless and the OP has a home with at least two bedrooms.

Is there anyone who works in social services or a council who would think that this is reasonable?