Ex partner leaves our autistic Teen son alone overnight

[NotallRainbowsandUnicorns]

I've already looked up the law regarding this and there isn't actually any definitive law.

My son is only just 15,has autism but no learning disability.. He struggles with emotions, social difficulties and sensory processing. He has anxiety around school attendance though is fairly bright academically.

My ex partner, father of my 15 year old autistic son has started making a habit of leaving out son alone overnight on a Friday or Saturday night. This is the 3rd or 4th occasion.

Our son has been living with his dad for over and considers himself to be 'primary carer', meaning he provides a bed to sleep in and most meals. I do all the emotional support, take him places, try to give him a decent quality of life. The only thing I don't give right now is a bed. That does need to change and nee to decorate his room but on my own so I don't find it easy.

Before you suggest out son stays with my on those nights, he won't because his gaming pc is set up at his dad's and that's his ultimate enjoyment and finds it easier to socialise that way due to his autism.

I haven't mentioned anything to his Dad about him leaving him alone overnight.

What are your thoughts?

More often one specific obsession (see also: building a “bug hotel” for different insects and learning all about them, astronomy, medieval weapons) than a variety of hobbies.

(I have treated your post in good faith, though it might not deserve it..,)

No, usually a set 1 or 2 hobbies varying depending on the person.
Not all autistic teens are obsessed with gaming. Many have a different strong interest.

More special interests than hobbies.

However as an autistic adult with access to the internet and screens, I am much happier as they help me regulate and I no longer have to shut myself off from the world for hours on end. An hour on a screen can help me regulate just as much as 4-5 hours of "special interest".

He's autistic without learning difficulties. He will become an adult at the same time as a neurotypical teenager becomes an adult. It will also likely be much harder for him to agree to the change of moving to live with her the longer the current situation becomes his norm with being autistic.
There may or may not be a longer period of him being dependant on other adults in a few years time, but regardless the time where she will be able to have the biggest impact is fully parenting him now, not trying to start when he's 18 or 20

His Dad should not be leaving him alone overnight - I wouldn't have left my NT DS alone overnight at that age.

Why can't the son bring his PC and gaming chair home to his mums place? If his father bought them and refuses to let them leave his place, surely mother has to either put her foot down and tell son he's moving home, or get a screen and gaming chair right away. It doesn't sound as if the father really cares if his son is with him or not.

We don't know the extent of need so of course I'm speculating. Not having a learning disability doesn't rule out significant challenges in functioning to me. It all depends upon his needs, which OP will understand. I have a very intelligent autistic teen myself.

It's a difficult balance here as OP must prioritise her own health and well being. Depending upon the level of need and any other challenges, it could be a very bad decision for OP to have her son full time with her.

It sounds to me that she is very much involved in her son's life as much as she can be.

And yes, the whole situation is sad really. It isn't ideal, but OP probably can't fix it all single handedly.

I think the answer to your question depends on how independent he is generally.

Is he able to walk to the shops himself, for instance? If the answer is yes, then you would hope he would have the same coping mechanism for an overnight stay at home by himself. What I mean by that is, if he were out and someone frightened him would he know to ring you or his dad, the same as if he were at home alone and scared by something.

I have a disabled son, admittedly medical rather than asd, and he couldn’t be left alone for half an hour, let alone overnight.

It's really hard being a special needs parent so I’m not surprised your MH crashed.

I get it.

Single mum to ASD 13 year old and abusive exh here.

Things I'd suggest. ..may or may not be possible. ...

Save up/ask Dad to contribute to a gaming set up for your house too. (Laptop might be helpful for future but I know it's expensive)

Would a console work, as an alternative? May be a cheaper option?

If you cannot have DS back permanently and he can't be away from PC, work on some check in rules with him. Text before bed. Text when wakes up?

Talk with him and Dad about scenarios. Smoke alarms. Cooking food safely. Locking doors. Not answering to strangers. Ring doorbell? Etc

What does he do about food when Dad's not there? Talk about this.

How quickly could you be there if you were needed? Work on making sure he knows he can call you if he's worried about anything or identity safe adults for him who are nearby and give them a heads up. You'd obviously need to be very sure about this.

Ask his Dad about a keysafe, in case DS gets locked out. My DS remembers numbers well so we have one. This could be good in an emergency.

I would tell Dad you do not agree and why. He'll ignore you most likely but I would make my feelings known.

What I discovered was that exh is autistic too after my son got his diagnosis. He is inappropriate, can't judge age related safety issues, and thinks with his dick too unfortunately. He's been 'not great'.

Can you connect with any support groups for your own wellbeing? There's lots for parents of autistic kids.

I think basically I'd try and work on getting things ok for him to be at yours again, which I'm sure you're doing but in the meantime, identify all the worries you have and go through some solutions to keep him safe.

Sorry you've had some unkind comments. It's very hard.

He’s autistic without learning difficulties. He will become an adult at the same time as a neurotypical teenager becomes an adult.

As a parent of an autistic teen (almost 18) without learning difficulties I don’t agree with this at all. My DC is years behind his peers in terms of emotional maturity. His executive function (ability to organise himself for daily living) is extremely poor and he is still scaffolded to a very large degree. Also has issues with anxiety and MH. He needs to be minded like a much younger child basically.

Obviously, OP’s DS may be different, but autism can make things very different.

And 15 is too young anyway to be left alone at night even for the average NT child imho.

@Puddingandspice agree. My son is definitely emotionally behind his peers. He still likes cuddly toys and is very attached to things from when he was younger still. Hasn't hit puberty. No interest in girls etc. He's 14 this summer.

I have left him in the daytime for a few hours but wouldn't in the evening.

Like most ASD young person, my son is way behind his peers emotionally and has poor social skills.. His executive functioning is also poor,.self care needs prompting, mealtimes, unable to self regulate, highly emotional and hyper sensitive, pronto anxiety , panic attacks and poor MH.

I've been with him through all of it, I know him better than anyone else. It's a constant slog of being vigilant with him.

The living arrangements are not ideal no but are a result of my own MH decline. Which Dad contributed to because up to that point, he didn't give a damn about how I was coping with our DS Every time I reached out to him for support, his Go To answer was always " well I don't have problems when he's with me ".

I stopped asking him for anything. The end result was this situation as it is now.
None of this is my choice.

Do you know that to be the case? In my experience it is possible, plenty of children and adults i've worked with thrive in different settings and parents often are surprised by what they can actually manage.

I'm uncomfortable with the view on this thread that DS needs to undergo a big change because his mother is worried not because he is having actual issues?

Well OP says he doesn’t like living at his dad’s.

That “his autism can affect him unpredictably. So it's difficult to say how he would cope in scenarios by himself.
He has panic attacks if he feels overwhelmed so severe, he can pass out.”

That “his executive functioning is also poor,.self care needs prompting, mealtimes, unable to self regulate, highly emotional and hyper sensitive, pronto anxiety , panic attacks and poor MH.”

That he has been suicidal in the past.

It sounds like there are a lot of actual issues he is dealing with?
And he is only just turned 15 too…
I’m with OP on this one.

@LunaMay

If you do this through work…would you really recommend that a teen of this age with this history of difficulties be left alone overnight at weekends?

So buy the gaming kit he needs so he can chill at your house and decorate as soon as possible? It sounds like he is coping overnight so just get the situation sorted as soon as possible. You could paint a bedroom and buy kit in a week.

I’m guessing that OP doesn’t have the spare money more than not having the spare time. Single parent for years to a child with autism plus severe MH issues a year ago don’t often go hand in hand with having £1000+ lying around for gaming set ups of console, screen and chair.

You don't have a room ready for him, let alone a bed and he doesn't want to stay with you so doesn't seem like you're in a place to make judgement really.

What is it that you ultimately want to happen?

If you want to continue as you are but prevent DS's father from leaving him alone then I don't think thats achievable. You can't control what he does.

Personally I think the best option for your DS would be to stay where he is and have you come to stay with him at the weekends when his dad is not around. Whether the adults in his life will be able to do that is another question though!

I also feel like part of the story is missing. How have you gone from looking after DS full time a year ago to not having a bed for him now? It just doesn't add up which does lead people on here to jump to their own conclusions, rightly or wrongly.

Yes, it’s possible (even likely) that @NotallRainbowsandUnicorns doesn't have the funds to accommodate her son yet, but if that’s the barrier for him moving home then that’s where she should focus her energy.

If this is real, and the only reason I question it- is that I don't think anyone who has used MN before would think chat was the appropriate forum for this question.

You have badly misjudged using chat to ask a question about an ASD child. I would join some groups for parents of children with SN and autism and you'd have had very different replies.

The simple answer is no, he shouldn't be leaving him at home in this situation. But as you know you're not able to have him in the home full-time. You need a break because you're doing all the real work the rest of the time. So get his gaming set up so you can have him on weekends.

To those who says he's coping, nothing has gone wrong yet. You could leave a toddler in a cot for a night alone and they'd be fine 9/10 times but if there is a fire... She's said he can't handle loud noises and passes out in panic mode. He's not been tested and now is not the time to test him.

OP I say this with kindness. I have an autistic child and am myself bipolar so feel I understand your situation a bit. Whilst gaming is important to him it shouldn't be his whole world. DS would of 100% done nothing but game at 15. But I refused to let him as sitting in a small room day and day out does not do anything to improve their ability to deal with the bigger world.
He is now a young adult and has friends that he meets up with and goes out with. Has a couple of friends who are allowed to game constantly and they have no life outside of their house.
We used to have 3 days a week of no gaming. I know that will be hard because that would mean he will just go back to his dads but if you can get your ex to agree to it it's a game changer for them.

It's very well to say you wouldn't let him, but not all autistic children are the same. She has said he's ODD in his behaviors and it helped to pushed her over the edge. I know many parents who would be left on the floor physically in that situation. So, no, it's possible you would not. Or if he is not aggressive then he'll just refuse to come home.

*she can't even get her to watch his son at night!