Ex partner leaves our autistic Teen son alone overnight

[NotallRainbowsandUnicorns]

I've already looked up the law regarding this and there isn't actually any definitive law.

My son is only just 15,has autism but no learning disability.. He struggles with emotions, social difficulties and sensory processing. He has anxiety around school attendance though is fairly bright academically.

My ex partner, father of my 15 year old autistic son has started making a habit of leaving out son alone overnight on a Friday or Saturday night. This is the 3rd or 4th occasion.

Our son has been living with his dad for over and considers himself to be 'primary carer', meaning he provides a bed to sleep in and most meals. I do all the emotional support, take him places, try to give him a decent quality of life. The only thing I don't give right now is a bed. That does need to change and nee to decorate his room but on my own so I don't find it easy.

Before you suggest out son stays with my on those nights, he won't because his gaming pc is set up at his dad's and that's his ultimate enjoyment and finds it easier to socialise that way due to his autism.

I haven't mentioned anything to his Dad about him leaving him alone overnight.

What are your thoughts?

That can be sorted elsewhere, it’ll take a bit of time, but isn’t impossible.

Absolutely agree with you.

It's his everything.

I've asked him to find a reasonable option for a gaming set up.

I did leave my (autistic, adhd) daughter at weekends.

we built up to it.

i have always scaffolded her towards independence. She did St John ambulance cadets from age 11 and so learnt basic first aid skills. She cycled to school with her brother from age 9 and they had a mobile to call me if any problems.

i taught both of them how to use the microwave and kettle (her brother did scouts) and they were under strict instructions not to use the oven or cooker while we were out.

we also left written instructions about what to do in an emergency (mostly ring us straight away).

honestly if your son is in his bedroom gaming that’s pretty safe. The kids you need to worry about overnight are the ones that try to cook stuff and you get a gas leak or they burn your pans or they have parties.

you’ve said your son won’t come over to yours because you don’t have his gaming set up (and I completely understand, my DD would have been similar - she doesn’t care about a bed but her gaming set up is very important) so I’m not sure there is a lot you can do other than be available at the end of the phone.

Whats your visitation schedule, do you share custody? Could he spend weekends at your home and week days with dad? Our son has a gaming p.c. and a handheld steam deck i think it's called? He can play all his games etc that he has on his p.c. but at the fraction of cost -you just link up the two, could be something to look into for your home x

I don’t know what you mean by “elsewhere” - the DS won’t come to OP unless this set up is in place at hers, I think. At 15, he can make that choice.

It sounds like his Dad has coped for the last 8 or so years on his own with DS & you haven’t actually had him stay over at all. So I imagine his Dad would be able to judge if it is safe. Honestly if he is engrossed in gaming then it probably makes little difference if his Dad is there. Could you spend time with him so he’s not stuck on his own? I’m guessing he would prefer to stay in his room gaming. I don’t think that is ideal to be honest. But unless you decorate his room and move him back in then there’s not much you can say.

When did ds last stay with you?

Why isn’t his room ready for him.

How many times has ds been left by himself and does he have an issue with being left?

It sounds like his Dad has coped for the last 8 or so years on his own with DS

i don’t think so - I think DS stayed with OP for several years and moved in with his dad when she had MH issues later on.

Can you go and stay with him when his dad goes out??

If your son doesn't actually have a problem with it then I'd say it's fine - if your son is complaining about it then I'd say it's a problem.

If he's fed before he goes out, your son will just be in his room gaming all evening - probably doesn't even care whether there's anybody there or not.

I also would find it hard to hear from someone who hasn't been there (for whatever health reason which I'm sure is totally valid) but it sounds like you've heard this and blown it out of proportion - especially if you're not able to look after your son or have him around yours.

15 is young for a NT teen to be left alone all night, never mind an autistic one.
Could you offer to stay over on the nights he is planning to be out ?

His dad has had him every night for 9 years and given the option he chooses not to stay with you for even one night and would rather stay home alone. With no special needs, I think the dad has to be the one making the call with his ds here (and there’s a massive gap in the story).

His dad has had him every night for 9 years

I don’t think this is the case. That the room was last done when DS was 6 or 7 doesn’t mean that’s the last time he stayed in it. See this point from OP:

DS moved to his dad's because I wasn't well enough to care for him, through a breakdown of my MH ( coping too long with DS without support from Dad or family).

Is it all night?
How does your DS feel about it?
What safeguards are in place in case something does go wrong?

He can remote into the PC with a laptop its a gaming PC. If it's an Xbox or PlayStation they are v easy to transport. Just need a screen or TV

It must be extremely difficult to experience a breakdown in mental health so severe that looking after your child isn't manageable.

I'm certain it must hurt dreadfully - post recovery - to realise that other people have had to learn and grow in response to that illness. And just time passing.

I'm truly very sad for the OP. I imagine it is possible to grieve for the years lost to mental illness.

But it is impossible to pick up as if you've never been away.

His primary care giver feels okay about leaving him overnight.

It certainly isn't the OP's business what her ex does in his private life. Be it 'out with a woman' or not.

Mum needs to build a relationship with this poor lad in the here and now, accepting he's a young adult and not the primary school aged child whose life her illness stole her away from

Love that so many here are dismissing the sons preference here. Why should he be forced to go to his mums. Dignity of risk is something you're going to have to get used to OP.

There is absolutely no way I’d leave my autistic teen overnight. I don’t leave him for longer than popping to the shop round the corner because he will do things without thinking that could have disastrous consequences. I think if you can persuade your son to return somehow, that would be safest. It’s a really difficult position to be in.

Being autistic doesn't mean he's not capable of being alone overnight.

I do understand why it bothers you but given you don't have your son overnight at all, I'm not sure it's your place to judge or interfere.

I have sympathy for your mental illness OP, it must be hard, but how long ago was that crisis point? If it's been years I do think both you & your son's father ABU. The priority should always have been to get you the support to get well & support a co-parenting situation. If you're well enough to take him to events/ emotional support, you're well enough to push for a make over of the room/2nd hand laptop & gaming chair.

I have 2 DS with exH & have co-parented for 16 years. I would have walked over hot coals for the past 16 years if it meant not seeing them otherwise.

I also have an autistic 13 Yr old with DP. If anything ever meant we'd split (I don't imagine so but life can be rough) my top, top priority would be to see DS as much as humanly possible. I can't imagine him being home alone at 15, so I see your concerns.

You need to get this situation sorted.

Unfortunately OP if DS and his dad are fine with his arrangement there isn’t much you can do! Hopefully they’ve had a conversation talked through the situation and decided that everyone is ok with DS being on his own for a night.

What time does dad get home the next day?

I think my AuDHD daughter would be ok at 15 to be left alone overnight , only 12 at the mo but she likes her own space and she is left in the day and early night latest 9pm and we’ve been building up the length of time. Don’t think she’d cook- just make sandwiches, snacks etc.

How long has he been living with his dad
Who claims child benefit and DLA for him
Who paid for the gaming set up

If dad has paid for gaming set up ,he's unlikely to let you have it for your house
If the son has been at dads a while that's likely his home
It may not be so simple as painting a room to get him home

How much “decorating” does a room need?

The only things I’ve done to my child’s room is change the blinds, buy a bed and chest of drawers, have a light installed on the wall and have an overhead fan installed.

Those things didn’t happen all at once. I don’t understand why you’re admonishing your ex for not being there overnight and you haven’t even made a room available to your son. I’m a little bit shocked.

I agree. This is more than just a room isn’t ready.

No he's not lived with his dad for 8 8 years.
It's only been over a year or so.
Before then I was managing everything that my DS autism presented with, every challenge, every meltdown, every school day avoided, trips to A&E because he felt suicidal.

I've been through hell and back many times. All with very little emotional support from.his Dad.

Im the end it broke me, ironically he had to stay with his dad because I had a breakdown due to lack of any real support ( and an abusive partner at the time).

If you read back on this thread, I also said I do spend a lot of time investing in him, encourage him to enjoy things he likes doing eg: Trips away, cadets and he meets up with a local charity for autistic kids.

Dad never takes him out.