Ex partner leaves our autistic Teen son alone overnight

[NotallRainbowsandUnicorns]

I've already looked up the law regarding this and there isn't actually any definitive law.

My son is only just 15,has autism but no learning disability.. He struggles with emotions, social difficulties and sensory processing. He has anxiety around school attendance though is fairly bright academically.

My ex partner, father of my 15 year old autistic son has started making a habit of leaving out son alone overnight on a Friday or Saturday night. This is the 3rd or 4th occasion.

Our son has been living with his dad for over and considers himself to be 'primary carer', meaning he provides a bed to sleep in and most meals. I do all the emotional support, take him places, try to give him a decent quality of life. The only thing I don't give right now is a bed. That does need to change and nee to decorate his room but on my own so I don't find it easy.

Before you suggest out son stays with my on those nights, he won't because his gaming pc is set up at his dad's and that's his ultimate enjoyment and finds it easier to socialise that way due to his autism.

I haven't mentioned anything to his Dad about him leaving him alone overnight.

What are your thoughts?

Where is the bed he had last year? Why was the room OK last year, but not now?

He does have special needs. He has a formal diagnosis of disability.
There are no gaps.

It takes someone to have a real understanding and knowledge of autism to understand this situation.

In fact,he wants to move back and does not enjoy living with his Dad.

You are missing the key question which was about his Dad leaving him alone regularly.

OP has been very unwell. As a parent myself to an Autistic teen boy, apologies for offense, but my god this is one of the toughest scenarios out there for single mums. The tone of these replies is not particularly helpful and shrouded in usual judgement.

OP, I would be very cautious about rushing into a scenario without really thinking through what you can yourself manage. It will be alot for you, particularly if your son is in any way oppositional?

I would look at 1 day a week as the aim to begin. One wknd evening to begin with the bed and game system available. So that one evening is covered and it's one remaining alone at his dad's. I would be very careful about overcommitting to any more for now.

It's weird behaviour of the dad. Very weird to think it's ok to do that every single wknd. He's Autistic, the typical rules don't apply.

I think you must be firm on your own boundaries here so you aren't overwhelmed. As long as your son fully understands safety rules and has access to his phone there. I imagine you can't reason with your ex on how risky it is leaving him?

So why does nt he just come back? Room/bed fine last year, surely his being happy and settled is more important than decor?
Is the gaming system new since he moved to dad's?

I was wondering whether legally or from a safeguarding perspective your ex could be encouraged to not keep leaving him.

Have you looked up online whether there's anything to compel a parent not to do that in cases where they are autistic? The reason I suggest is could it be a way to very delicately have a conversation like -

' I know how much you have to do alone, it's just I'm worried this will be raised by someone as a safeguarding issue leaving ( teen) because he's Autistic. And it could lead to problems.
I'm aiming to be able to have ( teen) with me once a wknd and really want to do as much as my health will allow to support '.

Just 15 seems quite young to me even without autism. I have 14 and 15yos, one is autistic, the other waiting for an assessment, I wouldn't be leaving either of them overnight at the moment. I'm not sure my parents left us before 18, or very close to it.

I think the drip feed is that an abusive step Dad moved in & so DS decided he would prefer to be with his Dad. I don’t think OP is in a position to judge what her ex does (based on this update). I feel sorry for DS. I don’t think he wants to move back in with Mum but seems to be left to his own devices at Dads.

Very simple

get some paint and paint the walls.
Get on Facebook market place now if you can’t afford new furniture and get what you need including pc and gaming chair

get it done asap

dont make excuses for yourself. You are a strong woman who has overcome some struggles now get it together and sort this situation out.

you can do it

It seems he's saying he'll refuse to sleep at your house regardless, unless the gaming PC is there?
So the blinds and decor of the room aren't really going to make him change his mind?

I'd just buy a basic adult sized bed, and maybe try and save up for another gaming PC that could be his birthday and Xmas gift? That way he'd actually want to be at yours.

At this stage he'd rather be home alone with the PC than at yours with a fancy bed and curtains and wallpaper.

Oh that is a bit different. How would you have responded op to ex getting involved in your relationship and telling you what you can/can't do in it?

Have you read the part about OPs MHealth situation?

Did you read the part regarding how difficult this became parenting an Autistic boy alone?

Your post is utterly appalling.

I think as long as he is happy and safe to be left, it’s a non issue. If he has been left four times previously with no issue then it would seem as if he is capable and comfortable. With the greatest of respect, you can’t be too critical of dad as he is providing the home set up you have been unable to so only interfere if your son wants or needs you to.

@Ronsealit she is not actually being critical. She has concerns and is allowed to - because he's Autistic. And the reason he's not with her is because it was too much for her health, she became ill and couldn't care for him. So should she say nothing? She has come here to sense check.

It sounds like he’s coped fine alone overnight. What’s the issue?

Has he just turned 15? Or is he almost 16?

We don’t know her son and how his autism affects him. He has been left I believe four times with no incident, has stated himself that he would rather be at home with his pc, dad obviously has no concerns with that and op can’t have him to stay anyway as she has stated.

Thankyou, this is one of the most helpful replies. A minority do like to judge but that's their issue. Extremely tough being a single parent without autism in the mix.

Yes my DS is oppositional and can be quite horrible towards me then other times quite loving. It's so unpredictable.

I agree, my boundaries are important to guard against a repeat of my previous MH breakdown. I don't have family support either so I'm quite vulnerable.

The ex is not that approachable, he has an answer for everything. A smart Alec!

He was 15 last week.

So that means it's okay morally and from safeguarding POV?

Just because he has asd it doesn’t mean he’s incapable of handling age appropriate situations (being left alone overnight night with access to a phone to summon help if needed).

You should feel pleased that your son is coping and handling it well. He’s gaining independence and confidence.

Thankyou Wishyiuwerehetr50.
Some folk find it hard to grasp my concern and situation simultaneously.
I have not in any way judged his dad, just asking is it appropriate to leave DS alone overnight every weekend.( Asjow seems to be).
DS DOES want to come back btw ....it's just another huge adjustment as he's much bigger and louder now he's a hormonal teenager.
I also spend time with him very regularly, take him out places and give him a lot of emotional support .

Omg, you are focusing on the wrong thing. You’re so busy criticising his dad when you’re not even able to set up a bedroom for your own dc who apparently doesn’t want to stay with his dad. I’m sorry about your mh struggles and your abusive relationship (which you chose and subjected your dc too) but you are not coming across as the amazing emotional support to your son you think you are. By the time you get his room decorated he’ll be an adult. I’m realise I sound harsh but you sound deluded and critical of his dad to make yourself feel better. That’s not helpful. He’s fine occasionally overnight and is choosing that over staying with you. Focus on getting yourself sorted!

That not what I am concerned about. And I did not post that as a point of issue.
I don't care what he does himself, only care about my DS..

“Every weekend” is a bit different to your previous “occasionally”.

@TeenLifeMum she isn't actually criticising him.

Can you further expand on your experience of parenting teenage Autistic boys, alone?