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Original poster

Puppy dealbreaker?

211 replies

Doggyguilt · 08/04/2025 21:21

Dh has always wanted a dog. Grew up with dogs and every member of his family has at least two. I always said ‘maybe in a few years’ as to be honest, I don’t really like dogs. But I like dh so I sort of went along with it as if we might (which I know was wrong I just thought he would drop the idea).

He’s been talking about researching breeds and reputable breeders, looking into rescues as well and I’ve had to say I don’t want to get a puppy and he is SO upset. Said that I’ve misled him and it ‘could be a dealbreaker’.

We’ve just moved and I want the house to be lovely and clean and to not take on more responsibility now our 2 dc are older. I never actually said yes I always said ‘not yet’ or ‘in a couple of years’ so I don’t think i was wrong I just honestly thought he would not stay so desperate for a dog. He’s really pissed off though! He says he would do absolutely everything but that’s not the point. I’m actually worried it really is a dealbreaker for him !

OP posts:
Paganpentacle · 09/04/2025 15:09

I do hope he leaves you for a dog.
You sound like a control freak.
Either that or he just goes out and gets a dog anyway because
a- its his house too
b-its his life.

Paganpentacle · 09/04/2025 15:10

Doggyguilt · 09/04/2025 14:26

I will just have to see what dh decides , he said it might be a dealbreaker and I do have a little bit of anxiety but aside from this issue we’ve never had any other problems at all

Is that because he does as he's told?

Hotflushesandchilblains · 09/04/2025 15:17

He said it might be a dealbreaker but he can be over dramatic sometimes

So you continue to minimize his wishes? I think you are showing a complete lack of empathy for him. For people who are 'pet people' not having one feels like a constant lack of something in your life. It seems like you trapped him into a relationship by lying, and now expect him just to get over it. This would be unforgivable behaviour to me.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Dogs
Bluevelvetsofa · 09/04/2025 15:18

@mrsm43s I think it’s manipulative behaviour too, but I think OP has been startled by DH’s comment that it could be a dealbreaker and is thinking of ways to accommodate a dog in the house. Whatever the outcome, someone is going to be unhappy and if a dog means more than his wife and family, I’d be concerned. It shouldn’t have got to this stage, but it has and if OP relents and allows DH to get a dog to keep the peace, I bet it backfires.

Both are working and quite a bit of time out of the house. That pristine house will have clawed furniture, smells and possibly puppy messes. You have to be very disciplined to train and care for a puppy and it doesn’t seem a well thought out plan.

It is about one person having what they want and the other resenting it. Whichever way round it ends up.

Original poster
Doggyguilt · 09/04/2025 15:23

No I haven’t lied to the dc it’s not a conversation we’ve really had around them at all. Eldest will be off to uni soon and youngest isn’t into animals at all

OP posts:
SemmaLina · 09/04/2025 15:24

Goodness , some of you dog lovers are being really unfair to the OP
Its not as if she promised him a dog , it was a possibility to be talked about in a few years
It would be a deal breaker for me if he came back with a dog and especially if it was planned for the dog to have the full run of the house and sleep in the bed

Original poster
Doggyguilt · 09/04/2025 15:25

He hasn’t been asking every week or anything. There have been gaps of months sometimes a couple of years between these conversations about it since we first met. It’s just recently he’s decided now is the time

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 09/04/2025 15:28

@SemmaLina the OP has admitted she had misled him though and that she hoped he would change his mind

DivorcedAndDelighted · 09/04/2025 15:34

Doggyguilt · 09/04/2025 13:26

No as dh would want any dog we got to have the whole house available he’s even said how he would have a puppy/dog in bed as that was his favourite thing growing up having a dog sleeping on the bed each night . He thinks dogs should be a full member of the household not just shut into certain areas so there isn’t much scope for compromising

Show quote history

But this is how compromise works. You have loads of room for compromise here. You can say "I really don't want a dog, but I can see how much it means to you. What elements of your doggy dream can we compromise on? I'd consider it IF it was never allowed upstairs so I knew that part of the house was always clean, and that you would make all the dog care arrangements for days you're not at home. " Why should it be a case of all our nothing?

Nb my dogs have never been allowed upstairs and that has made things more manageable. Stair gate in the early days.

LameBorzoi · 09/04/2025 15:37

DivorcedAndDelighted · 09/04/2025 15:34

But this is how compromise works. You have loads of room for compromise here. You can say "I really don't want a dog, but I can see how much it means to you. What elements of your doggy dream can we compromise on? I'd consider it IF it was never allowed upstairs so I knew that part of the house was always clean, and that you would make all the dog care arrangements for days you're not at home. " Why should it be a case of all our nothing?

Nb my dogs have never been allowed upstairs and that has made things more manageable. Stair gate in the early days.

Show quote history

This.

Op says she has apologised, but she is still minimalising his feelings.

If one child is heading off to uni, he's waited a very long time. This isn't going to go away.

LameBorzoi · 09/04/2025 15:39

Doggyguilt · 09/04/2025 15:25

He hasn’t been asking every week or anything. There have been gaps of months sometimes a couple of years between these conversations about it since we first met. It’s just recently he’s decided now is the time

You are minimising very badly.

I spent 10 years wanting a dog. I rarely talked about it, but thought about it all the time.

Paganpentacle · 09/04/2025 15:42

Doggyguilt · 09/04/2025 15:25

He hasn’t been asking every week or anything. There have been gaps of months sometimes a couple of years between these conversations about it since we first met. It’s just recently he’s decided now is the time

Ask?
Yep. Its becoming clear here who rules the roost.
He doesn't have to mention something every day- or even every week - for it still to mean something dear to him.
If he DID mention it every day no doubt you'd say he was nagging or whining.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 09/04/2025 15:42

Doggyguilt · 09/04/2025 14:42

He didn’t want an older dog. When he was talking about a rescue dog he still wanted a younger dog (under 2)

Show quote history

I wonder if we're missing something here. OP, why do you think that it's so black and white and either he gets his full wish of a puppy who has full run of the house, OR you do not have a dog at all? Have you had the discussion, beyond him stating his wishes and you avoiding conflict by saying "later"?
Do you think he understands how compromise works?
Are you someone who tries to avoid conflict, or who finds it hard to say no?

WateryBottle · 09/04/2025 15:56

Am I reading a different OP to other people because I’m reading that OP said “maybe in a few years” and her husband interpreted that as a firm commitment to get a dog. Obviously OP should have said “no” rather than “maybe” but why in the feck are people going on like she promised her husband a dog and has gone back in it? Maybe means maybe, and carries a possibility of no which her petulant husband should not have interpreted as her agreeing to definitely get a dog.

OP I think you should have been candid that you didn’t want one and not let him think it was a possibility but some of the attacks on your character on this thread are OTT and your husband is an arse for giving the mother of his children an ultimatum over something which was only ever a maybe.

edited for typo

mrsm43s · 09/04/2025 16:12

WateryBottle · 09/04/2025 15:56

Am I reading a different OP to other people because I’m reading that OP said “maybe in a few years” and her husband interpreted that as a firm commitment to get a dog. Obviously OP should have said “no” rather than “maybe” but why in the feck are people going on like she promised her husband a dog and has gone back in it? Maybe means maybe, and carries a possibility of no which her petulant husband should not have interpreted as her agreeing to definitely get a dog.

OP I think you should have been candid that you didn’t want one and not let him think it was a possibility but some of the attacks on your character on this thread are OTT and your husband is an arse for giving the mother of his children an ultimatum over something which was only ever a maybe.

edited for typo

Edited

She admits she said " ‘not yet’ or ‘in a couple of years’ " which is absolutely implying that she's agreeing that they would definitely get a dog at some later time. It's manipulative semantics to suggest otherwise.

And she's also very clear that she told him that because she didn't want him to go off her - also very manipulative.

She clearly led him to believe that at some point in the future they would get a dog. He may well have chosen not to pursue the relationship with her had she told the truth - she's taken that choice away from him by her dishonesty and manipulation.

springbringshope · 09/04/2025 17:37

I never actually said yes I always said ‘not yet’ or ‘in a couple of years’ so I don’t think i was wrong I just honestly thought he would not stay so desperate for a dog. He’s really pissed off though! He says he would do absolutely everything but that’s not the point. I’m actually worried it really is a dealbreaker for him !

What an absolute disingenuous crock of shite.
Your intention was to mislead. That was your whole goal. In the hopes HE would change his mind. He hasn’t. And you still don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.
this is a dealbreaker mostly for what it means about you. That you have no respect for others and think it’s ok to be disingenuous to achieve what you Want.

springbringshope · 09/04/2025 17:41

WateryBottle · 09/04/2025 15:56

Am I reading a different OP to other people because I’m reading that OP said “maybe in a few years” and her husband interpreted that as a firm commitment to get a dog. Obviously OP should have said “no” rather than “maybe” but why in the feck are people going on like she promised her husband a dog and has gone back in it? Maybe means maybe, and carries a possibility of no which her petulant husband should not have interpreted as her agreeing to definitely get a dog.

OP I think you should have been candid that you didn’t want one and not let him think it was a possibility but some of the attacks on your character on this thread are OTT and your husband is an arse for giving the mother of his children an ultimatum over something which was only ever a maybe.

edited for typo

Edited

Yes you are reading with poor comprehension. She had no intention to ever get a dog. Her answers imply she may be happy to get a dog one day but she never had any intention to get a dog. This means she was being totally disingenuous and went with the plan of stalling in the hopes HE would change his mind. This is lying by implication.

The Oxford doctors even details this.
The notions of 'indirect lying', 'falsely implicating', or 'misleading' refer to the phenomenon of lying by deliberately suggesting what is false in order to deceive the addressee or suggesting an outcome with no intention of pursuing that outcome.

springbringshope · 09/04/2025 17:48

SemmaLina · 09/04/2025 15:24

Goodness , some of you dog lovers are being really unfair to the OP
Its not as if she promised him a dog , it was a possibility to be talked about in a few years
It would be a deal breaker for me if he came back with a dog and especially if it was planned for the dog to have the full run of the house and sleep in the bed

This is not about a dog. It’s about the OP deliberately misleading her partner for years.
She lied by implication and was totally disingenuous in her responses to his request. She lead him to believe there might be a time where she would be willing where as she never had any intention. This is so so disrespectful and sly disingenuous behaviour in order to get the outcome she wanted.

regardless of the dog I would find this impossible to live with.

Swap dog with ‘a child’ or ‘moving to my home country’ or any other dream one person has that the other person disingenuously portrays is a possibility whilst actually have no intention to do this. And then portraying the devices as unreasonable for being so angry that they can’t see a future in the relationship. She has damaged this relationship with her selfish manipulation. Not anything to do with. A dog. This is to do with her character

springbringshope · 09/04/2025 17:55

Doggyguilt · 09/04/2025 10:42

It might mean a few adjustments such as working more but that wouldn’t be a massive issue for me. I’d rather not lose my dh over this though ! I seriously doubt he would actually want a divorce for the sake of a pet he is upset yes but I don’t think he would act irrationally and put a pet above his family . He said it might be a dealbreaker but he can be over dramatic sometimes

Edited
Show quote history

But it’s not insanity or unreasonable to discover a personality characteristic in your partner and realise you don’t like them as much as you thought.

discovering a partner was disingenuous many times over years and with the absolute intention imply something you never had any intention to consider at all is a pretty massive character flaw to live with. It’s the epitome of disrespect and deception. It’s horrible.

springbringshope · 09/04/2025 17:58

Doggyguilt · 09/04/2025 13:55

A big factor is that I want to spend time with dh. Especially now that the dc are older and much more independent. I want to go out or away . I don’t want a dog in the bed !!!

Edited

I want I want I want.

his wants don’t feature much do they.

springbringshope · 09/04/2025 18:02

Doggyguilt · 09/04/2025 15:25

He hasn’t been asking every week or anything. There have been gaps of months sometimes a couple of years between these conversations about it since we first met. It’s just recently he’s decided now is the time

Do you knew he wasn’t going to forget about it or move on. Didn’t you do drop that minimising language. You 100% knew he still wanted a dog over these many years

LandSharksAnonymous · 09/04/2025 18:05

Oh, OP. If I was your DH I'd never forgive you for this. It's not just a lie - it's lying for years, even by omission. That's unforgivable in my books.

JMSA · 09/04/2025 18:06

Why not compromise? I don’t like mess and dirt either, so went for a non-shedding dog (a purebred, not the ‘-poo’ ones that are hated on here 🤣). He doesn’t shed a single hair; the downside is the grooming costs but you can’t have it all!

Springbirds · 09/04/2025 18:36

Doggyguilt · 09/04/2025 15:23

No I haven’t lied to the dc it’s not a conversation we’ve really had around them at all. Eldest will be off to uni soon and youngest isn’t into animals at all

I am a massive dog person, had them all my life and lost our last one a few weeks ago. I would be on your husband’s side - I really feel for him and do think you should have been more honest about never wanting a dog, I’d be furious too, but then I insisted on dogs from the start and my husband was fine, if unenthusiastic. Obviously he then fell madly in love with various dogs we’ve had over the years.
Big ‘but’ coming…

I don’t think you should get a dog if you don’t want one. It will have a huge impact on your lives, even if you don’t have to care for the dog while he’s at work. The dog will need walking in the evenings, weekends will be affected by the dog - not just walks but also not being able to leave it. Plus, lovely though it is that family members will step in, do you want your in-laws popping in three times a week to tend to the dog? Puppyhood is hard work but relatively short, it’s the old dog years that can be are the most difficult. A coupe of years with an aging retriever with arthritis and heart disease and you’re pretty much not going very far at all. Plenty of trips to the vet though.

A friend was recently persuaded to get a new puppy after their old dog died. It’s been a huge mistake. Just when she and her husband have the time and resources to travel and do as they please, they’re tied to a dog again, and will be until they’re in their seventies.

Nextdoor55 · 09/04/2025 19:26

farmlife2 · 08/04/2025 22:35

I bet your dacshund doesn't need to walk a few miles twice every day though - or some equivalent exercise level.

Compared to my friend's Irish Wolfhounds, my lap dogs are definitely less demanding!

Show quote history

Dachshunds are completely mental, I can barely take him out for a walk because he thinks he is the size of a wolfhound & will try to kill every cyclist, every jogger & every other dog, even the big ones. No he doesn't need walking for miles but that's why people get dogs don't they? Partly for the exercise. Besides they should thank their lucky stars they don't have either a chihuahua or dachshund, both are completely bonkers.