Puppy dealbreaker?

[Doggyguilt]

Dh has always wanted a dog. Grew up with dogs and every member of his family has at least two. I always said ‘maybe in a few years’ as to be honest, I don’t really like dogs. But I like dh so I sort of went along with it as if we might (which I know was wrong I just thought he would drop the idea).

He’s been talking about researching breeds and reputable breeders, looking into rescues as well and I’ve had to say I don’t want to get a puppy and he is SO upset. Said that I’ve misled him and it ‘could be a dealbreaker’.

We’ve just moved and I want the house to be lovely and clean and to not take on more responsibility now our 2 dc are older. I never actually said yes I always said ‘not yet’ or ‘in a couple of years’ so I don’t think i was wrong I just honestly thought he would not stay so desperate for a dog. He’s really pissed off though! He says he would do absolutely everything but that’s not the point. I’m actually worried it really is a dealbreaker for him !

Well I will have to see. It’s not like we have a dog that I’m asking him to rehome ! It’s hypothetical at the moment as he just wants one.

@Doggyguilt hasn’t changed her mind, she has lied throughout hoping DH will change his mind.

This is akin to a bloke saying yes we will get married some time, or yes we will have kids some time when they have absolutely no thought of doing either but just string their partner along

Yes circumstances can change or people can change their mind but this isn’t an example of either of those

As PPs have shown, some posters liken dogs to buying new curtains and to others they are really important. For some posters, it would be a ridiculous thing to divorce over but others would divorce over it. Only your DH knows where he stands on this. All you can do is have honest, calm conversations about it. Be honest about whether you would be open to it at X time and if so, put a genuine timeline on it. Don't lead him on again. Ask for a concrete plan for him on how the dog will be cared for. If you know deep down that you're not willing to ever have one, be honest about it. And work out how you will navigate the situation from there.

We don't know what dh will do. I work from home to accommodate my children and animals. I would leave a future faker no matter what they lied about. I would no longer trust their word.

Future faking that's absolutely hilarious.

Are you always this melodramatic.

You don't want a dog.

A young dog is like a baby, they can't be left alone all day.

Your lifestyle is not compatible.

OK you shouldn't have strung him along, but all of the above remains true.

Don't get a dog!

We do for the most part - all of our holidays since getting her have been staying in dog-friendly apartments.
But not every day out is suitable for a dog (e.g. Central London - she’s not a small dog!) and sometimes we want to visit / stay with family and can’t take her with us.

I think you should be open minded to getting one as long as he’s the one who is primarily responsible. My dps strung my db along for years about a dog as my mum didn’t like dogs. When his girlfriend gave them a heads up that he was planning to get a puppy with money from a summer job, they relented. My dm ended up loving that dog to bits and when he passed away, it was her that pushed to get another one quickly.

@Doggyguilt well we have always had two dogs. we lost one very suddenly back in january and bought another puppy 4 weeks ago!! to say I am knackered is putting it lightly!! worse than a toddler. at least you can put a nappy on a toddler. in the garden every daisy has been eaten, each stone has been retrieved out of pup's mouth! toddlers dont steal insoles out of shoes and chew them to bits! puppy does. piddles, poos, 4 meals a day, water bowl constantly being thrown around! it is a nightmare which dh never seems to have to clear up. I can clear up a poo and a wee while pup still at my feet. dh needs me to clear up poo and pee while he runs into garden! basically, he doesnt want to clean up!!

I did it - got a puppy because my husband always wanted one and said he would do all the work. To be fair, both of us had no idea how much work it would actually involve. I never grew up with a dog, he did but they were his mums dogs and she did everything.

Reality is I was the one at home more than him. And then it's - but your home anyway so why can't you just walk the dog...train the dog...feed the dog...play with the dog...take the dog to the vet...etc etc. And if your in the house with puppy, you can't just leave it to chew/bark/bite/pee/trash the whole place. You end up walking and training it, whether you want to or not.

Sure I ended up loving her because she was a living creature who spent most of her time with me, but I also wished we never got her. I did most of the training - which I found tedious and resented taking up my "spare time". She restricted what we could do on the weekend, even just going to a friends place for the day gets hard.

She has since died and getting a dog would be a dealbreaker for me too, as in - if you want another dog you can leave and get one!

I get you OP, that once you get a dog it’s yours for life.

After DH campaigned so hard for a dog, once we actually got one he realised how much work it was and how restrictive it was, particularly since I refused and still refuse to pick up any of the grunt work, he was angling to sell it saying he hadn’t realised how difficult it would be, for my sake.

Honestly I was tempted to divorce him and keep the dog, particularly as he said he would put him on gumtree.

Anyway, we got past it. Encourage him to get relatives dogs when they are on holidays . It doesn’t have to be binary. Our borrowmydoggy dog sitter isn’t in a position to commit to her own dog, but loves looking after ours for our holidays.

I said to DH I do not want a dog - however, if he wants one we can get one.

If we were to get one, I would not be responsible for care (obviously, I would not mistreat it, but I dont want to walk it, or poo pick)
He would need to arrange care when he is not around to do it - ie dog walker etc

Why? You've just explained in your OP how 'dog orientated' his upbringing was and family is now. What made you think he'd go off the idea?

I think you've been cruel and I wouldn't underestimate the damage this is going to cause your marriage.
He has likely envisioned having a dog of his own since he was a boy, you've been lying to him about getting one, he has been compromising for years in his head and now you've told him the truth... the trust will be gone.

But not always. And if this were the other way round we'd be saying everyone has to agree

I think 'sometimes' is quite a good alternative to 'not all the time' 😉

Get a short hair small breed. And get an older puppy. 5 or 6 months where they are still highly trainable but you are through a lot of the early difficulties. Have them groomed regularly and only allow them to be in a family type room. We only have dogs outside but previously had one in the house. She was allowed in utility and kitchen diner only. The sitting room and bedrooms were off limits.

Is there a part of your house that could be used just for the dog?

I can quite see how difficult it would be when you are enjoying your house as it is and you introduce an animal that isn’t trained.

You were wrong to mislead him, but not wrong to not want a dog.

If you go ahead, you’ll have to be very specific about who cares for the dog, where it goes in the house, who walks and trains it.

No as dh would want any dog we got to have the whole house available he’s even said how he would have a puppy/dog in bed as that was his favourite thing growing up having a dog sleeping on the bed each night . He thinks dogs should be a full member of the household not just shut into certain areas so there isn’t much scope for compromising

OP’s DH had a want, but works 4 days a week out of the home, so his want becoming reality depends on OP doing more of the work. OP doesn’t want to - fair enough!

Most people can’t have everything we want, including pets.

Then OP shouldn’t have said yes to a dog, should she? It’s shitty behaviour.

He wouldn’t be leaving because of the dog, he would be leaving because you go the life you want through years of lying to him. You think he has to stay because who would leave their children because they can’t have a dog?

who wants a spouse who is so dismissive of him and is just waiting for him to get over it. Your attitude to your partner in life is appalling.

He wouldn’t be putting a pet above his family, he’d be choosing not to stay in a relationship with someone who deliberately misled him and lied to him for several years.

Pets were non-negotiable for me - if my DH lied to me about wanting a dog and then turned around and said no, we wouldn’t stay together.

I would actually leave over this. Not necessarily because dog v no dog, but because of the way OP has behaved. I wouldn't be able to trust anything she said again since she clearly thinks its OK to go back on her word, and her complete inability to compromise and her clearly considering her wants as more important than his would mean that the marriage would be dead in the tracks. Someone trying to trick and manipulate me like that would be the end of any relationship of mine.

If you never intended to get a dog - why not just be honest and say that right from the start? Why deliberately lie, with no intention of following through? You clearly intended to mislead him. So cowardly.

OP, I understand that you don't want to do the walking/poo picking etc, and that's not unreasonable. But if your DH comes up with a plan of how the dog will be walked, fed, toileted for the 28 hours he's in the office, why are you still refusing him a dog, when he'll be there for the other 140 hours in the week? Because with him using A/L for the early puppy days, and then a combination of dog walkers and willing family, I think this is perfectly possible. If you have any care at all for your DH, you'll look for ways it could work, rather than just refusing to consider it because you don't want to.

So who does he think will look after the dog the other three days a week?