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Original poster

Puppy dealbreaker?

211 replies

Doggyguilt · 08/04/2025 21:21

Dh has always wanted a dog. Grew up with dogs and every member of his family has at least two. I always said ‘maybe in a few years’ as to be honest, I don’t really like dogs. But I like dh so I sort of went along with it as if we might (which I know was wrong I just thought he would drop the idea).

He’s been talking about researching breeds and reputable breeders, looking into rescues as well and I’ve had to say I don’t want to get a puppy and he is SO upset. Said that I’ve misled him and it ‘could be a dealbreaker’.

We’ve just moved and I want the house to be lovely and clean and to not take on more responsibility now our 2 dc are older. I never actually said yes I always said ‘not yet’ or ‘in a couple of years’ so I don’t think i was wrong I just honestly thought he would not stay so desperate for a dog. He’s really pissed off though! He says he would do absolutely everything but that’s not the point. I’m actually worried it really is a dealbreaker for him !

OP posts:
Original poster
Doggyguilt · 08/04/2025 21:49

Fluffyhoglets · 08/04/2025 21:45

Yes you should have been honest that you didn't want one all along. He would have known then to decide whether life without a dog was what he wanted.

I’m going to apologise and see how he feels as I appreciate it was unfair of me to mislead him which I do accept that I did

OP posts:
Honeysuckle16 · 08/04/2025 21:51

I understand what you’re saying about a clean house. I’ve had dogs all my adult life and organise the house around keeping everything clean. We have a family room with direct access to the garden with tiled floors and washable covers on the sofa. No dogs in the sitting room or bedrooms.

It does mean brushing the dogs every day and regular visits to the groomers.

RentalWoesNotFun · 08/04/2025 21:55

I worked with a woman who hated dogs. Called them dirty and smelly and refused to believe they could be nice.

until they got one.

she loved it. Small breed. Didn’t shed much hair. She treated it like a baby. Totally fell in love.

so getting to the point, you might have preconceived ideas about dogs that are all wrong. Maybe you need to get more involved in the choosing process as there could be one you really like? They are great company and can be kept clean and tidy quite easily. Maybe you could be around dogs a bit more and see if any of them feel like a breed you could investigate a bit more. Puppies tend to destroy things. I’d go with an older animal.

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Dogs
Loopytiles · 08/04/2025 21:57

Agree with PPs about your part in this, but when you have 2DC and are married it’s awful of him IMO to suggest it’s a potential ‘deal breaker’ in your relationship.

If he works 4 weekdays out of the home and you 3 he’s being untruthful about how much of the work would fall to you or the DC (& most DC can’t be arsed) or paid dog carers.

Even taking into account your untruthfulness about not wanting a dog, there are not good reason to give DH what he wants IMO, unless perhaps something changes so DH is home much more.

2024onwardsandup · 08/04/2025 21:59

If he works four days in an office - u less he can take the puppy to work - you will be doing it on your at home/day off and you’ll need dog care when neither of you can. Which costs a fuck ton. People will be on here saying they just left puppies alone and they were fine - why won’t have been…

a puppy is like a new born. And then they become horrible teenagers. You don’t get a proper dog until they’re about three…

hence my suggestion of an adult from a credible rescue (eg dogs trust)

have you run the figures? Doggos are expensive.

but also they are fab and bring so much joy 😁😁

Original poster
Doggyguilt · 08/04/2025 22:00

He has been very clear he wants a puppy/young dog as said growing up he enjoyed the bonding and the training from a very young age.

OP posts:
1apenny2apenny · 08/04/2025 22:02

I’m going to go against the grain here as I don’t think you’ve lied to him. You just said ‘maybe’ now you’ve moved house and realised the freedoms you have now the children are older you can see/have a better understanding of the commitment. I’m not sure men have the same feeling of ‘freedom’ once children no longer need you as, in my experience, their focus was on their job and they have less children ‘noise’ and haven’t had to focus on the minutiae details.

Getting a dog is such a big commitment. It’s all very well someone saying they’ll do it all but it doesn’t work like that. For example does he do sport? Who would look after the dog whilst he was out if it was a long time eg golf, cycling?

I say this as a huge dog person but one who won’t get a dog because of the long term commitment.

garlictwist · 08/04/2025 22:02

It would be a deal breaker for me to get a dog. I do not like them or want the hassle and responsibility of an animal. However my feelings are very clear on the subject and my husband knows and is fine with this. I think the difference is you’ve sort of led him on a bit.

cestlaviecherie · 08/04/2025 22:03

I think you're cruel not only to have led him on all these years saying "we'll see" like he's a child, but to have made him go so long without a dog, the one thing he wanted.

QuillBill · 08/04/2025 22:03

I’ve got a friend who says things like ‘we will have to see’ when she means no. It drives me mad. Just say ‘no, I don’t want to’,

It would be a dealbreaker for me if my husband lied to me for years because he thought I would change my mind. It being about a dog is immaterial. I would find it really strange behaviour.

1apenny2apenny · 08/04/2025 22:04

Sorry just seen your comment about work. Will he be able to take the dog to work then? He would also need some time off at first as it is just like having a baby!

Blacksheep77 · 08/04/2025 22:04

We are teetering on the precipice of getting a puppy. I’ve been saying ‘not now’ and ‘in a few years’ ‘it’s not the right time’ for years BUT now that the time has come to be researching breeders and make plans etc I am not 1000% sure. So I can see how when it gets real you can sort of change your mind and I don’t think you’ve been deliberately cruel but also think he’s entitled to be upset.

stayathomer · 08/04/2025 22:06

Op i think you’re getting harsh and ridiculous (telling you you’ll grow to love the dog etc) replies, plus it sounds like you’re going to be doing a huge amount of the care so it’s actually fair enough that you get an actual choice.

Dogs are a HUGE responsibility- you can’t leave the house for more than a few hours at a time, can’t go away easily, when you’re rushing out in the morning that’s inevitably the time they’ll grab something, get out, refuse to stay in etc etc. You’re up with them first thing in the morning and standing outside with them last thing at night. while our dog is amazing myself and dh both said we’ll never own a dog again.

Make sure he’s equally in on this- the dog, while a legend, was never my idea and almost everything falls to me (and he’s my shadow now so that’s fine but it’s an extra thing to make me exhausted!)

Loopytiles · 08/04/2025 22:07

‘I want a puppy’ when he currently doesn’t have a lifestyle compatible with that. Who looked after his dogs growing up?

abracadabra1980 · 08/04/2025 22:08

People who love dogs, love dogs. "People who don't can sometimes learn to live with them"
This, but not having a dog would be a deal breaker for me in any relationship. You've lead him down the garden path with something he clearly has a passion for. Sad.

Original poster
Doggyguilt · 08/04/2025 22:08

1apenny2apenny · 08/04/2025 22:04

Sorry just seen your comment about work. Will he be able to take the dog to work then? He would also need some time off at first as it is just like having a baby!

He wouldn’t be able to but has said he would take care of everything and would either pay someone to pop in and get family to help which I don’t doubt but it feels like it would just be an upheaval of our lifestyle. I’ve seen a lot about puppy blues and I can’t see how I wouldn’t be affected in some way even if he took care of everything

OP posts:
Catapultaway · 08/04/2025 22:09

Yep, that would be a deal breaker for me too.

farmlife2 · 08/04/2025 22:09

I have a dog that I got a bit grudgingly, but love it to bits now. In fact, we went and got a second which I never saw coming.

It really doesn't make a difference for how clean the house is. I have non-shedding breeds.

Maybe where you can look to compromise is on the breed? If he wants a big dog, a small dog is less demanding. Don't get a working breed that needs lots of exercise, for example.

If he wants this so much, I'd probably hate to say no but it can be on the condition that he does all the work.

What would the plan be for when he's at work? It's not good for a dog to be on his or her own much of the time.

Billionthtimeivenamechanged2025 · 08/04/2025 22:09

Don't let him guilt you into getting one. If he's so desperate for a dog is he going to change his job to suit looking after a dog?

Or is it going to be down to you, to train this dog, pick up it's shit, have to teach it house manners ect?

I've got a dog. He's lovely. But he was also really hard work as a puppy. More hard work than I expected.

As a PP poster said, it changes your days out ect

People insinuating your selfish for not being upfront, your partner is actually really selfish,

He wants a dog but he works away from home several times a week?

He wants a dog and he wants you to do all the hard work and he gets to come home. And cuddle it.

Cinderelala · 08/04/2025 22:19

Pp saying to compromise but how do you compromise having a dog, you either have one or you don't. You can't have one part time.

It's going to have come as a shock now to your DH that you don't really want a dog after stringing him allong for so long.
But it seems extreme to say it's a deal breaker, so he'd leave his kids because can't have a dog?? Or is it because you lied?

What does he mean he'll do everything? How is he with childcare and housework?

Is it a deal breaker for you to not have a dog?

Nextdoor55 · 08/04/2025 22:21

Doggyguilt · 08/04/2025 21:41

That’s pretty unanimous then. I do feel bad but I really did think with the dc and work and enjoying more free time and holidays etc he would just be ok about it? It wasn’t meant maliciously. I do appreciate the honesty and I will reflect and apologise to dh.

You might need to do a bit more than apologise, you might need to compromise, he should have a dog imo & I really don't think it will work unless you take equal responsibility in caring for the dog.
You could get an adult dog rather than a puppy, puppies are hard work. Research what breed of dog will suit your lifestyle.

Nextdoor55 · 08/04/2025 22:27

farmlife2 · 08/04/2025 22:09

I have a dog that I got a bit grudgingly, but love it to bits now. In fact, we went and got a second which I never saw coming.

It really doesn't make a difference for how clean the house is. I have non-shedding breeds.

Maybe where you can look to compromise is on the breed? If he wants a big dog, a small dog is less demanding. Don't get a working breed that needs lots of exercise, for example.

If he wants this so much, I'd probably hate to say no but it can be on the condition that he does all the work.

What would the plan be for when he's at work? It's not good for a dog to be on his or her own much of the time.

Edited

," a small dog is less demanding...."

Tell that to my dachshund...

Nextdoor55 · 08/04/2025 22:28

1apenny2apenny · 08/04/2025 22:02

I’m going to go against the grain here as I don’t think you’ve lied to him. You just said ‘maybe’ now you’ve moved house and realised the freedoms you have now the children are older you can see/have a better understanding of the commitment. I’m not sure men have the same feeling of ‘freedom’ once children no longer need you as, in my experience, their focus was on their job and they have less children ‘noise’ and haven’t had to focus on the minutiae details.

Getting a dog is such a big commitment. It’s all very well someone saying they’ll do it all but it doesn’t work like that. For example does he do sport? Who would look after the dog whilst he was out if it was a long time eg golf, cycling?

I say this as a huge dog person but one who won’t get a dog because of the long term commitment.

She didn't say maybe though! Stoppit!

sillysmiles · 08/04/2025 22:30

Tbh I couldn't/wouldn't have married someone who didn't like animals. If my DH had lied about "one day" being ready for a dog I'd have been very hurt.

tillyandmilly · 08/04/2025 22:34

Get a dog when he retires! He sounds too busy to bring up a puppy and I fear this will fall to you!

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