Puppy dealbreaker?

[Doggyguilt]

Dh has always wanted a dog. Grew up with dogs and every member of his family has at least two. I always said ‘maybe in a few years’ as to be honest, I don’t really like dogs. But I like dh so I sort of went along with it as if we might (which I know was wrong I just thought he would drop the idea).

He’s been talking about researching breeds and reputable breeders, looking into rescues as well and I’ve had to say I don’t want to get a puppy and he is SO upset. Said that I’ve misled him and it ‘could be a dealbreaker’.

We’ve just moved and I want the house to be lovely and clean and to not take on more responsibility now our 2 dc are older. I never actually said yes I always said ‘not yet’ or ‘in a couple of years’ so I don’t think i was wrong I just honestly thought he would not stay so desperate for a dog. He’s really pissed off though! He says he would do absolutely everything but that’s not the point. I’m actually worried it really is a dealbreaker for him !

OP I admire your honesty and realism.
I can completely understand your DH. It really is a big deal for him.
Growing up, I looked after our family dogs (proper looking after not just playing) because I was absolutely obsessed with dogs and took great pride in it. I always knew that I'd have my own dog 'when I grow up' and would be an adult.
If I had any doubt my DH would not support the idea of us having a dog after getting married, hand on heart, I would not have married him. Without a shadow of doubt. Luckily he kept the promise and we did end up having dogs and being equally involved with training and looking after them.
I am the first to admit I enjoy a dog free home when it happens because I want to live in a clean house. But I still can't live without dogs and this involves a lot more cleaning than normal because that's the way it is. Hard floors and not allowing dogs on fabric sofas does help a bit. And no clutter also helps.
It might help if you could borrow one of his family's dogs for a week to get an idea of how it looks like. Then multiply it by 10 for the puppy stage if you were to get your own puppy. Then DH might decide to wait until the children are older. Or give up on the idea. You both have to be realistic on how this fits within your current lifestyle. If you can afford it, use doggy day care and get a regular cleaner. There are many options. But you need to see how it looks like in practice first. Maybe a puppy is not right for now.
You do need to tell him though if you don't want a dog at all.

Has DH ever had sole responsibility for a dog? If he is basing his ideas on childhood experiences when the dog was his parents' ultimate responsibility, he only knows the fun parts.

He want is incompatible with his lifestyle.

His proposal for dog care - paid walkers / family ‘popping in’ several days a week is unrealistic and would be very unfair on the dog and any unpaid family members willing to do it. Dog daycare is expensive.

Your DC wouldn’t want to do the chores day in day out. You don’t want to do it. So a dog isn’t feasible.

OP I think you do have realistic concerns given DH's working hours, especially for a puppy. This needs explicit discussion as at the moment he's in love with the idea of a puppy, but it's hard to see how a puppy would fit into a home where both adults are out of the house 3 days a week. When my friend's kids wanted a dog, she said they had to try out the commitment first. They found an elderly neighbour who struggled to walk his dog, and she walked the dog every day, rain or shine, for about a year. The kids stopped hassling for a dog after the reality of this. She did go on to get a dog a few years later, but it was a much more informed decision. In your circumstances, fostering a dog as PP have suggested could be ideal.
As I said up-thread, YABU to lead him on and say "later" when you had no intention of getting a dog. Now a proper adult discussion is needed eg "I can see how important this is to you, and I want to support you even though I don't want a dog. But it's such a big commitment we really need to think what will work for our family. If you get a dog you're going to need plans to look after it properly. It's not enough to say we'll sort it out somehow, because I'm worried that means it will fall on me to sort it out. We need a trial so we can work it out before getting a permanent dog. "

We got the dog DH wanted, ironically just as DS turned 12 so a lot of the grunt work of childrearing was over and I was allegedly free to pursue my career a bit more again. Now DS is 19 off to uni and so much for nice little impromptu mini breaks abroad due to having to sort dog care. DH also spent a lot of money on an old motorhome so we can go on dog friendly breaks. I sometimes feel he married the wrong person.

Its not all bad. Rookiedog is a rather splendid creature, but omnipresent like a toddler who never grows up. I have cultivated some good dog sitters because I have better social skills, so we still go abroad, but if it’s the dog sitter its a ton of extra work that of course falls on me to get the house presentable .

In your case I would get DH to look after everyone’s dogs when they are on holiday so he understands the implications of ehat he is proposing. Even then it’s not a true reflection as a puppy needs someone at home full time for the first few weeks and can’t be left alone. If you leave it until you retire, then you have no freedom to travel.

A couple I know did a 'pre-puptial' including how much the less keen person was willing to do, agreements to still go on 2wk foreign holidays without dog etc.
They waited until keen person was fully work from home first.

I agree that honesty would have been better and think it's good that you recognise that and will apologise.

However, there is no way your DH can look after a dog properly if he is out of the house four days a week! If you are also out of the house three days a week, how much time will the poor dog be spending alone, even IF he paid someone to "pop in"?

If he got a puppy and expected it to spend hours alone each day, that is the perfect recipe for separation anxiety, excessive barking and destructive behaviour to develop. I love dogs but puppies are incredibly hard work. If he was truly going to manage all the toilet training, other training, socialisation and general company that puppy would need, then great. But he's living in a dream world if he thinks he can provide that whilst out at work four days a week.

I have a dog that doesn't shed hair and spends a lot of time asleep. When we work from home, we pretty much don't have to do anything except let it out for a wee now and then, and take it for a walk in the middle of the day - but a dog walker could easily do that. So there is a possible middle ground where you really don't have to do much day to day, if you pick your dog breed carefully. This obviously wouldn't work if DH wants a German shepherd or similar. The constraints on lifestyle are really more things like holidays, if you end up with a dog that isn't a good candidate for kennels, etc., though it sounds like there would be plenty of family members to take it in? (Edited to add: we did also make sure we could wfh for the first few months to get it feeling really secure before starting to leave it alone).

I rent so can’t have a dog.
however, I yearn for a dog it’s similar to the way people yearn for babies. There’s a hole in my life without one.
DH knows this (he is not a dog person, although I know he’d end up the dogs best mate!), he knows that the minute we buy somewhere (unlikely so he’s probably quite safe!) I’d be down that rescue before the vans unloaded.

you’ve been hugely unfair and I assume it’s because you under estimated how big of a deal it is for someone. Young dogs are a big deal, it’s like having another baby on steroids, then they become teens and are twats. Utter twats. But they are also adorable and complete the family willing to put the work in. So it’s not a compromise you can make lightly - although, older dog in a few years (older dc) is probably the closest you can get.

given DH has so many family members who have dogs could you not offer holiday care to prove how impractical his current set up is?

So in your mind do you think your apology is the end of the matter, there will still be no dog @Doggyguilt

"Dogs are a HUGE responsibility- you can’t leave the house for more than a few hours at a time, can’t go away easily, when you’re rushing out in the morning that’s inevitably the time they’ll grab something, get out, refuse to stay in etc etc. You’re up with them first thing in the morning and standing outside with them last thing at night. while our dog is amazing myself and dh both said we’ll never own a dog again."

Puppies are a pain, but in all my many dog owning years I have never had a single one of the issues you mention.

Yes. I admit I was wrong to have acted how I did and I should have been honest and that’s what I’ve apologised for as it was wrong of me. It doesn’t change how I feel though and I don’t want that level of responsibility and commitment at this point in life now that I have a new home and a lifestyle I like and a good home/work balance. It also wouldnt be fair on a dog if I compromised as I think a pet needs to be in a home where it’s wanted by everyone and the responsibility is shared.

Could you keep the new home and work/life balance if it is as he has said, a dealbreaker for him and he asks for a divorce?

Has he been responsible for a dog as an adult,? As being involved training a dog as a youngster when it's part of a family than being soley responsible for it's training etc. it won't be able to be left for yonks and being at home working with a puppy will be like working with a toddler - impossible

Why can't you take your dog with you? Plenty of dog friendly accommodation nowadays and day trips you put them in the car with you.

You lied to him andled him to believe he would be getting a dog. I would leave over this tbh.

Most restaurants and even shops allow dogs in them near where we live, dog friendly accommodation is also plentiful. Quite a tourist area though. Many dog walkers etc advertising too.

But dogs are a tie. We recently lost our old dog. Miss them horrendously. Yes we have done a few trips etc which would have involved more organisation if he was still around but in my mind the joy he brought to our lives outweighed the cons of having a dog.

It might mean a few adjustments such as working more but that wouldn’t be a massive issue for me. I’d rather not lose my dh over this though ! I seriously doubt he would actually want a divorce for the sake of a pet he is upset yes but I don’t think he would act irrationally and put a pet above his family . He said it might be a dealbreaker but he can be over dramatic sometimes

I think what is more likely is that he will be unhappy/distant for a while and need some time to adjust. When things have settled down we will probably have a discussion as I’ve apologised but he just went off to work early today and wasn’t really in the mood to talk at all

I think it is life altering. I love animals. If I couldn't have my pets in my life, it would be so much poorer. I would not enter a relationship with someone who did not want to have pets. If someone lied, said we would have a dog and there was no dog, I would not feel the same way about them.

It’s never great to lie in these situations, but I think there also needs to be an acceptance that things change. And that can be difficult. For example - to change the situation away from pets - my DH has always wanted to move to a remote area of the country. And 20 years ago, I said we could do that when circumstances allowed. And now circumstances do allow - but life has moved on and I don’t want to give up the life I have where we are and the kids don’t want to do that either. So now he doesn’t want to because he accepts that it wouldn’t be great for the family - and the compromise is that we spend a lot of holiday time down there. But I know of another couple where that’s been the cause of their divorce: he was adamant that he wanted to move out of London, the wife and kids refused and it all blew up. And these situations are tricky, because things do change. You often see threads where the plan had been for two kids but, after having one, one half of a couple doesn’t want another. And it’s so hard because yes, you agreed, but also life can mean that you change your mind. I think that OP is right to apologise if she hasn’t been honest, as that does seem harsh if the DH has been labouring under an entirely false premise for years. But equally, I don’t think that invalidates her opinion on a situation that is bound to affect her as well.

So you'd have a puppy when you don't wfh and leave it to your partner to care for.

You'd leave a good marriage over a dog you're not even around to care for during the week.?

Nice. That is selfish and that's what OPs dh is suggesting.

Don’t do it.
we got a puppy - people pleasing - for my dh.
big mistake.
was rehomed
nearly split up over it but dh came round.

Thankyou . This is why I feel so strongly about not giving in as I think I could very easily end up in this situation and having to rehome would be so much worse than just never having got a dog in the first place for dh !

I seriously doubt he would actually want a divorce for the sake of a pet he is upset yes but I don’t think he would act irrationally and put a pet above his family .

Why do you think that would be irrational? Pets are family. He's been lied to for years.
A dog is 100% a deal-breaker to me, and many other people. I wouldn't be with a person who didn't want one. It would mean we are fundamentally incompatible on a basic level.