Puppy dealbreaker?

[Doggyguilt]

Dh has always wanted a dog. Grew up with dogs and every member of his family has at least two. I always said ‘maybe in a few years’ as to be honest, I don’t really like dogs. But I like dh so I sort of went along with it as if we might (which I know was wrong I just thought he would drop the idea).

He’s been talking about researching breeds and reputable breeders, looking into rescues as well and I’ve had to say I don’t want to get a puppy and he is SO upset. Said that I’ve misled him and it ‘could be a dealbreaker’.

We’ve just moved and I want the house to be lovely and clean and to not take on more responsibility now our 2 dc are older. I never actually said yes I always said ‘not yet’ or ‘in a couple of years’ so I don’t think i was wrong I just honestly thought he would not stay so desperate for a dog. He’s really pissed off though! He says he would do absolutely everything but that’s not the point. I’m actually worried it really is a dealbreaker for him !

Dog walker / family was his plan

A perfectly reasonable and viable plan, perhaps with the addition of "doggy day care". Why not consider this, OP?

That’s not a plan, that’s a wish.

He won’t think this- if anything it’s worse because for absolutely everything else I’m honest and stick to my word. So he will have believed me when I said ‘not yet’ and ‘I’m a few years’ as for anything else that has been the case . There haven’t been any other issues with trust so in a way this probably feels even worse to him.

Im not compromising as it’s not what I want. Much like if I’d wanted a third child and dh hadn’t I would have backed down (wasn’t an issue for us luckily in fact I had to be persuaded to have a second !!!)

We’ve always had dogs (2 previous rescues current one from puppy). The puppy stage is really really hard work! It nearly ended me and I would have happily have handed her back. Now she is 3 is still hard work but she is very much my dog and I love her but no way on earth I would have a puppy again

*I'm not compromising because it's not what I want"

That says it all, doesn't it. Do you care one jot for your DH and what he wants?

A big factor is that I want to spend time with dh. Especially now that the dc are older and much more independent. I want to go out or away . I don’t want a dog in the bed !!!

Yes of course I care about him but I can’t bring a pet into a situation where it isn’t wanted by everyone that’s not fair on anyone especially the dog !

So why did you lie to him and lead him on? It’s so underhand and unpleasant.

i think if from the start you had said "i dont want a dog" then what you are saying here is fine.

Its the fact you lied for multiple years hoping he would drop it which means you've not be a great person here.

You should have been honest with him from the start.

Why did you think he'd 'go off the idea' when he grew up with dogs and knows exactly what owning dogs entails? He's not a child. You've been really unfair.

You have two very different views. Do you think you will be able to reconcile them?

If he intends the dog to have the run of the house and to sleep on the bed, the house that you love now, will be very different.

What happens if you agree to getting a dog, then feel resentment because you’re tied to looking after it, or someone else looking after it if you want to go away? What happens if you refuse? Either way, one or both of you aren’t going to get what you want.

At first I just didn’t want to put him off me and as the years went on I just assumed with the dc and being busy with work etc it would be an idea he went off ?

That’s not unreasonable but you should have told your dh that years ago. Perhaps because you are not a dog lover you don’t understand how upsetting this for your dh. We lost our dog last year and my dh has promised me we can get a dog after his sabbatical next year. I would be absolutely gutted if he went back on that.

Exactly , I’d rather be the bad guy and resented now myself than to give in through guilt but then resent and dislike a poor innocent animal so that’s why

Unfortunately OP, one can't read your posts without seeing that you have been dishonest, manipulative and selfish. And those qualities would be a deal breaker in most marriages.

This isn't about getting a dog v not getting a dog. It's about your behaviour, which is abhorrent (and can't be fixed by an apology).

If my DH had behaved like this it would be a deal-breaker. You’ve basically treated him like a toddler wanting a new toy.

I'm entirely impressed about how much you care about the welfare of the dog that you absolutely will not have.

You obviously think that having misled and lied to him for years he is simply going to say an apology sorts it all and you get your own way. At this stage, whether he gets a dog or not (and it may very well be you that he gets shut of, not the idea of a dog) how is he supposed to trust you ever again? You knew this wasn't some passing fancy, and you have strung him along for years!

Whilst I entirely agree that nobody should have a dog that isn't wanted, I don't think you have thought for one minute about your actions - "I've apologised so now he should get over it" is your approach. I think you should pay a lot more attnetion to what he said about this being a dealbreaker, because it may not be today or tomorrow, but this is likley the one that festers until it cannot be contained any longer.

This is my feeling. You are meant to be a team and should be able to be honest with each other. Not only have you lied to him repeatedly, you've not properly listened to him and you've been dismissive of him and minimised something that was very important to him just because it wasn't important to you. And those are deal breakers as they aren't acceptable ways to behave in a relationship.

I personally think you've made a bed for yourself here by lying to him for so long and kicking it down the road in the way that you have. I think you need to sit down with him and make a very clear plan of care for a dog, make it clear the dog is to be his responsibility primarily and be clear on what care you will be willing to provide.

I feel it’s right to think that way though ? Like if I’d accidentally got pregnant I’d have thought about the welfare of the child I wouldn’t go on to have as I wouldn’t have been able to give it the life I wanted to / they deserved ? I don’t think it’s a negative way to be ? I have said that I was wrong to listless dh I fully accept that and I’ve apologised to him. I’ve not ever lied/misled about anything else and I don’t intend to. I made an error in judgement and I was wrong.

Why not compromise and get an older dog? My neighbour fosters for a rescue and they have a succession of lovely labs, All of whom are delightful family pets being rehomed for no fault of their own.

You’re still minimising- that’s really unfair. I’d be massively hurt and lose all respect for you if I were him and saw this thread.
You are adamant that what he wants doesn’t matter, it’s just a fad.

However, I don’t think someone working out of the home 4 days a week can be fully responsible for a puppy. That’s what you need to talk to him about. They are full time, hands on, for several weeks/months- not just ‘pop in and play with them during the day’.

You really need to actually think this through- discuss missing holidays and time together, keeping the house nice, and how he’s manage with work.

But don’t just say no- he’ll resent you massively.

I think it's a bit crazy that you'd rather your husband and the parent of your children resents you this much than you are inconvenienced by a dog in your house. No reason for the dog to be in the bed, no reason why you can't go out as a family with your dog.

"Im not compromising as it’s not what I want." this is not how relationships work op. If it's so important to your dh that he's rethinking your relationship you realise you are putting your own wants over a stable family unit for your children? I think as others have said apology is not enough here and you have created this situation so it's your job to try and make amends with the person you care about - not just shut him down and expect him to get over it.

What if this festers to the point he can't move past it and it starts to ruin your marriage?

Not at all it was wrong of me to do what I did and to assume he would lose interest in the idea

And as a consequence your husband is expecting a dog. You can apologise for the misjudgment. But he is still waiting for the dog.