Puppy dealbreaker?

[Doggyguilt]

Dh has always wanted a dog. Grew up with dogs and every member of his family has at least two. I always said ‘maybe in a few years’ as to be honest, I don’t really like dogs. But I like dh so I sort of went along with it as if we might (which I know was wrong I just thought he would drop the idea).

He’s been talking about researching breeds and reputable breeders, looking into rescues as well and I’ve had to say I don’t want to get a puppy and he is SO upset. Said that I’ve misled him and it ‘could be a dealbreaker’.

We’ve just moved and I want the house to be lovely and clean and to not take on more responsibility now our 2 dc are older. I never actually said yes I always said ‘not yet’ or ‘in a couple of years’ so I don’t think i was wrong I just honestly thought he would not stay so desperate for a dog. He’s really pissed off though! He says he would do absolutely everything but that’s not the point. I’m actually worried it really is a dealbreaker for him !

And you thought he'd go "off" the idea!! That's delusional. I don't believe that for a second. I think you just thought you could keep pushing the lie.

Personally, at the early stages of a relationship, I wouldn't be with someone who didn't like or expect to have animals.

I think there are many reasons not to have a dog, but it's the lies you told that would be the problem.

@Doggyguilt how would you feel if DH had strung you along for years about having children and then admitted he had lied hoping you would change your mind about having them. Would you just have accepted his apology. I get you don’t want a dog, not everyone does but you should have been upfront from the get go.

When DH met me he wasn’t into dogs, would quite happily never have one. But he knew pretty much from the get go that a dog would feature in our future. I didn’t have a dog when we met but my parents had one (and I had grown up with family dogs) he said he saw my eyes light up when I saw their dog and he knew that a dog would come into our life. One did (discussed breed that would suit us all). DH was smitten, just as heartbroken as me when PTS end of last year. Now tentatively thinking about getting another dog, and it’s a when not an if.

I will just have to see what dh decides , he said it might be a dealbreaker and I do have a little bit of anxiety but aside from this issue we’ve never had any other problems at all

Are you really prepared to lose your husband and break up your family rather than work with him to find a way to make getting a dog possible?

Can you borrow a dog for a couple of days ? YABU I think.Your DH is obv a dog person" and its unfair to mislead him like this .There was a thread here recently where OP really wanted a Golden Retriever ,Talked hubby into it reluctantly .Now Doggy is welded to him! If you can take him up on a doggy .There is really nothing like it .A pup is hard work ,so maybe try an older dog

I think you've had a really hard time on this thread op. Far worse things happen in a marriage.
Dogs are a massive commitment
and a lifestyle choicek. Mn is full of threads people who have got puppies and can't handle it.

You mean, apart from lying to him repeatedly ever since you first knew him? You really aren't getting it. This is no longer about the dog - it is about the fact that you are inflexible, uncompromising and have repeatedly and knowingly lied. An apology doesn't just fix that. His desire for a dog will never go away, and even if he stays with you, you will never again have the relationship you once had because now he knows that you cannot be trusted.

He knows there are multiple other things I’ve compromised on , I don’t even need to remind he as he will know so ultimately I think it will be ok I hope (I do just feel anxious as he said it might be a dealbreaker)

I read a lot about the puppy blues and dh only wanted a puppy or young dog

@Beyondburnout because she has lied throughout their marriage. It doesn’t have to be about a dog. Would you give a man a hard time he had persistently lied to his partner about getting married, when he had no intention of doing so and hoped the partner would change their mind

What about offer to dog sit for relatives and neighbours? That can be a good compromise.

Far worse things happen in a marriage than lying over many years? You aren't seeing the point. This is not about a dog. OP had the opportunity long before she married and had children with him to tell him that she hates dogs and will not have one in her home. Instead she has, over many years, lied about getting one when the time is right/the kids are older/the house is decorated (insert many more excuses). She has, in fact, repeatedly said that they will have a dog, and that was a lie - she had no intention of ever having a dog. Her husband had the right to decide whether this was a dealbreaker from the start, before marriage, before children, before other commitments. She took that right away from him.

crumblingschools
People keep darker secrets than this all the time.

@Beyondburnout and that is shit too. But OP knew a dog was important to her DH, not just a passing fancy

OK, but how about the compromise of an older dog?

In fact, when it comes to getting a dog, what are you prepared to compromise on?

Or is it my way or the highway?

OP, I think you need to choose. Which would you prefer? No DH and no dog, or a dog and a DH? It's just not fair to expect the DH to stay with you if you renege on this long term promise without any discussion or compromise.

There is no reason at all why you can't both work together to find a way to make having a dog possible. Apart from you don't want to. You feel so very strongly about it, yet have spent years pretending you want a dog to manipulate your DH.

He didn’t want an older dog. When he was talking about a rescue dog he still wanted a younger dog (under 2)

Youve lied to him for years.
What a horrible thing to do.

Exactly this. You have not been fair at all here. Would you consider a compromise by going for an older rescue dog that won't need training not to urinate in the house?

But have you said to him that a dog post puppy age (so 1 year plus) would be acceptable, but you don't want a puppy? If you compromise and say that, I suspect he'd prefer a one year old dog rather than no dog.

It's reasonable for you to say stuff like - I'm happy with a dog, but not a puppy.
I'm happy as long as we have daycare/family/dog walkers on the days you're in the office. It's reasonable to say that you would consider some breeds but not others. This involves you both compromising.

It's not reasonable to say no dog, when you've told him for years that you are prepared to get a dog.

What do the DC think? Dogs can be great for teens. Also good for long wallks. You could get a dog but not have it in bed. Or you could split up if you don't like it.

You are minimising. He could absolutely seek a divorce.

I know people who have. And people who have compromised.

People have lost the plot on this thread 😂😂

the basic mumsnet mantra is no dog unless anyone is happy with it

fine you’ve led him on a bit but good lord - it doesn’t sound like he’s doing much work to present a well thought out plan for how having a dog might work

“At first I just didn’t want to put him off me and as the years went on I just assumed with the dc and being busy with work etc it would be an idea he went off ?”
It gets worse, that is so deceitful and controlling. What a terrible thing to admit to. If you’ve had these conversations a few times it was obviously important to him, yet you trapped him anyway.

DH feels much the same as you in terms of pets, not because he doesn’t like them but he thinks only retired people should have animals. Thankfully he has never lied to me and he found out it was a deal breaker early on.

I’ll always have a dog, I work from home and I deal with everything doggy related. DH will of course feed, pat, walk dog on occasion (and I do things for him in return, MIL related- talk about unwanted responsibility lol ).

I don’t have a dog on the bed, there should be some compromise but I think you are being incredibly unfair because you’ve duped him.
I hope you aren’t going to use your DH working as an excuse to put off getting the dog until he retires, as you know now that’s a lie.

@2024onwardsandup it’s not about the dog- the OP has lied for years. It’s incredibly manipulative. Should have been honest from the start.

Did you lie to the DC as well about getting a dog @Doggyguilt

I think you're completely missing the point.

It's not about dog v no dog.

You could replace "getting a dog" with "getting married", "having children", "buying a house", "moving house", "going travelling", "planning for early retirement" or any other thing which might be important to someone.

OP knew what her DH wanted, and lied about wanting it too, in order to make him make decisions and commitments he may well have not otherwise have made if she told him the truth. This is dishonest and manipulative behaviour, and wholly unacceptable. She's also completely unable to compromise or to prioritise her DH's feelings.

Even now, OP seems to think "Sorry, but no " is an acceptable answer. It's not.

Along with most others, I wouldn't stay with someone who was selfish, dishonest, manipulative and unable to compromise.

That is the point.