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Original poster

Funniest reason you got "the ick"...

716 replies

singlewhitetrashheap · 07/04/2025 17:41

A fair few years ago, I was with a really hot bloke from the Netherlands. Tall, dark haired and really good looking. He was also nicely endowed in more intimate areas.

We'd had sex a couple of times and were just learning what we both liked etc. Third occasion is in full swing, and he's on top. He pauses for a minute, and let's out a really loud fart which ordinarily wouldn't be an issue because they're funny. It was really nasty and we had to stop so I could open a window. Fortunately we weren't being loud.

We're getting back into things and I can tell he's getting close but he starts moaning really loudly because he's ALSO farting really loudly and is trying to hide it by moaning like a porn star, and then there's the fact that he can't hide the smell, and it hits me again and the over performative moaning/the actual farting, and the fact that the entire street must have heard him, meant I just couldn't do anything but laugh and gag.

Neither one of us finished and he was mortified. I couldn't stop giggling. It made him sulk. I couldn't help it.

Unfortunately, any sexual attraction I had, completely evaporated. Fortunately, his flight home was the next morning and I didn't have to spend days with him. We never met up again.

OP posts:
Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 10/04/2025 11:02

Showdogworkingdog · 10/04/2025 07:41

Used to put on a comedy squeaky voice when he felt like getting it on. The voice was his dick trying to talk to my nethers. Horrifying. Then when we were dtd (I was 18 at the time and knew no better) he told me he wanted to ram me with his ‘wod’. He couldn’t pronounce r’s, but tbh, ramming me with his ‘rod’ would’ve been no less icky.
He also had a bullworker exercise thing for biceps that he’d use while nekkid. Bizarre.

I'm going to wam you with my wod 🤣🤣🤣

NPET · 10/04/2025 12:20

Showdogworkingdog · 10/04/2025 07:41

Used to put on a comedy squeaky voice when he felt like getting it on. The voice was his dick trying to talk to my nethers. Horrifying. Then when we were dtd (I was 18 at the time and knew no better) he told me he wanted to ram me with his ‘wod’. He couldn’t pronounce r’s, but tbh, ramming me with his ‘rod’ would’ve been no less icky.
He also had a bullworker exercise thing for biceps that he’d use while nekkid. Bizarre.

His name didn't begin with D did it?
Only you've reminded me of an ex who wanted to "bomb me with his wod".
His "wod" was about 4 inches when hard (ish!).

Sulu17 · 10/04/2025 12:43

O god, this has just reminded me of the twat who used a very high voice when being what he thought was 'cutesy'. We were at a party and he did this voice at me and everyone was turning to look at him. The complete twunt.

Showdogworkingdog · 10/04/2025 13:08

NPET · 10/04/2025 12:20

His name didn't begin with D did it?
Only you've reminded me of an ex who wanted to "bomb me with his wod".
His "wod" was about 4 inches when hard (ish!).

Show quote history

No, R, unfortunately for him as it turned out. Dear old Wobert…

Noshowlomo · 10/04/2025 14:17

Some of these are GOLD
My first boyfriend, fuck I hate him, he was weird and had no friends. I had loads of friends so that should have been a red flag but nope!
He was a moody fucker and was on a path of “self development”, was into Tony Robbins and other motivational speakers. He’d read to lift his mood, to say something random or funny, so we’d be on a walk, and if we were having a disagreement he’d stop and say “meep meep, what’s up doc” in Bugs Bunny’s voice. In the middle of the street!
He also didn’t wash much and I knew when coz he’d insist on sex from behind BOAK 🤮🤮

Original poster
singlewhitetrashheap · 10/04/2025 14:34

Lorrainedrops · 10/04/2025 04:02

Here goes...

  1. Halitosis and kissed like a washing machine. I had a face full of saliva.
  2. Came over, rang my buzzer asking for cash to pay cab driver as he didnt have enough money... Was £4 fare. He Had diarrhoea so I made several trips to shops for loo roll, imodium etc. Got back to faeces over my bathroom floor Thank God I have lino! I cleaned up his mess and found him in the kitchen with white boxers on that had a poo 💩 coloured round circle where he had itched his backside with one finger. 🤮 Found money for a cab the next day but no money for lunch. We went to a nice place to eat, he ordered the most expensive meal. 🙄 He wanted to come round for the whole day 3 times a week. I had to use some money I saved to pay for food. I said to him I couldn't afford to pay for three meals plus snacks each time he came over. His reply was well let's not see each other for a while, till you've saved up some more money. .. err I don't think so! He then went awol for 3 weeks. Finally made contact where he said he just didn't want to communicate with anyone. Gave him the boot 👢
  1. Stuck his finger up my backside during sex 😮
  1. Turned up looking like he'd just rolled out of bed wearing the same clothes he'd worn the previous day/s. Stunk of b.o. and fag's. Smiled and teeth were black. I suddenly had a call to pick up my Daughter... not and made a swift exit.
  1. The guy who called me Mummy during sex 🤢

6.The guy whose house I went to where the front door was locked with a padlock and when I went in the house stank of ammonia 3 full cat litter trays and no carpet in rooms

7.The guy who's bedroom was clean but the kitchen fridge and bathroom was awful. 😱

  1. Guy with soft small hands and long nails and a pigeon chest. Waa 5ft 4 and had halitosis. One drink and I was off lol. He text saying.hed like to meet up again. I politely declined and he said that's all he needed as he'd hit a fox on the way home.

My eyes got progressively wider the more I read this. Jesus shitting Christ.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 10/04/2025 15:03

WileyCyrus · 10/04/2025 09:19

“I want to wam you with my wod” 😂😂

Show quote history

Wiv my biggus dickus 😂

Fernticket · 10/04/2025 15:53

Littletoomuchsalt · 07/04/2025 20:32

Told me he had to go offline (chatting on Facebook messenger I believe) to shower because he had a ‘stinky winky’.

He never did get to show me quite how stinky it got 🤢

🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

Verv · 10/04/2025 16:33

Worriedsickmostofthetime · 08/04/2025 05:05

Had a boyfriend who would eat all his food seperately and at once. Like all the peas, then all the mash, then all the sausages (for example) and they couldn’t touch each other. And he didn’t it with absolute precision. That was weird but what really gave me the ick was that when I commented on it, he put in such an effort to change it. To the point where he would try a bite from each but he was literally gagging at each mouthful.

Edited

oh noooooo.. i do this 😂
(altho i could mix it up without gagging)

Fernticket · 10/04/2025 16:59

NPET · 08/04/2025 17:24

Oh, the thimbledick!
What gets me is that guys with, um, bigger than average apps don't make a 'big' thing about it.
But if you're told "I'm big", you can bet your bottom dollar you'll see 4 inches!

4 inches? You've met my ex then 🤣🤣🤣

GrannyWeatherwaxsHatpin · 10/04/2025 17:14

He had a money clip.

I think he liked to see himself as a "gent" but he just made himself look like a fool <shudder>

Original poster
singlewhitetrashheap · 10/04/2025 17:43

GrannyWeatherwaxsHatpin · 10/04/2025 17:14

He had a money clip.

I think he liked to see himself as a "gent" but he just made himself look like a fool <shudder>

Money clips are for flash wankers, or people who want others to think they are flash wankers.

OP posts:
MossLover · 10/04/2025 18:15

FlibbertyGibbitt · 07/04/2025 21:22

Also whilst at school aged 15 ish I started “ going out with” a boy who was a year older and from a village about 6 miles away. He went on exam leave but decided to ride in the pouring rain rain to school to see me one lunch. Looked like a drowned rat. Gave me the ick there and then. He rang up a day later asking if I wanted to go to his house for tea so I lied (as you do) that I was going to my gran’s for tea, and said I didn’t want to see him again.

I was brutal 🤣

I would have thought a boy going that far in the rain to be romantic lol

UrsulasHerbBag · 10/04/2025 18:31

I have had to nominate this thread for classics just on the strength of woberts wamming wod.

GrannyWeatherwaxsHatpin · 10/04/2025 19:06

singlewhitetrashheap · 10/04/2025 17:43

Money clips are for flash wankers, or people who want others to think they are flash wankers.

Show quote history

He was certainly nowhere near as sophisticated as he thought he was!

I’ve thought of another one - he announced he had black satin sheets. I could feel my nethers slam shut so fast I had whiplash down there.

NPET · 10/04/2025 19:16

I'd like to think I had.
By that I mean it would be nice to think there was only ONE boy in the world with a tiny todger but unfortunately there isn't!

Hey, just a random thought, but wouldn't it be wonderful if boys had to announce their size - or wear a badge displaying it!!

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 10/04/2025 20:00

Ribenaberry12 · 07/04/2025 19:13

He’d use American words for stuff like sidewalk, diapers, freeway.
I’d say “path?” And he’d be like “no, sidewalk”
My friend was training to be a solicitor and he insisted on referring to her as an attorney.
He was not American, had no American relatives, had never been to America.

Omg. That's grounds for murder!

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 10/04/2025 20:01

NPET · 10/04/2025 19:16

I'd like to think I had.
By that I mean it would be nice to think there was only ONE boy in the world with a tiny todger but unfortunately there isn't!

Hey, just a random thought, but wouldn't it be wonderful if boys had to announce their size - or wear a badge displaying it!!

Look at the size of their feet....

CamberwellCarrot78 · 10/04/2025 20:05

AngelinaFibres · 09/04/2025 20:09

I worked with a woman who had a skin condition. She used to sit in the staffroom and pick flakes off and drop them on the carpet for the whole hour. By the end there would be a semi circle of flakes around her feet ( like when a buzzard plucks the feathers off a pigeon). I stopped going in there in the end because it made me heave whilst I was trying to eat my lunch. The flakes would stay there until the cleaners hoovered in the evening. Revolting

Show quote history

I feel your pain 🤮
I shared this story in another thread (under a different user name I think) about being in a therapy group years ago (in rehab if you must know! 🙈) and one of the facilitators had a really bad flaky skin condition all over her face and hands..I genuinely wouldn’t have given it another thought, other than maybe “poor love that must be horrible to live with” except she spent the entire 50 mins of the group picking the flakes off and gathering them in the edge of her top, much like one might collect apples. It was absolutely fucking disgusting, there was a great white pile on the edge of her leg, she was kind of shuffling it all into place. 🤢🤢🤢 l remember it to this day.
I relapsed out of that rehab, in part due to that sight (that bit i’m joking about 🤣)

MossLover · 10/04/2025 20:10

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 10/04/2025 20:01

Look at the size of their feet....

Show quote history

sadly, not always accurate, in my experience…

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 10/04/2025 20:12

MossLover · 10/04/2025 20:10

sadly, not always accurate, in my experience…

Show quote history

Ah! 😃😃

12345onceICaughtaICKalive · 10/04/2025 20:13

Totally never using this account again 😆
Kept HIS dildo which he had to use to get off in the KITCHEN CUPBOARD.
I was 19 and stupid.

spilltheteapot · 10/04/2025 20:14

He brought round kippers to cook for breakfast.

ICK!

HiCandles · 10/04/2025 20:31

Laughed and agreed when his relative said to us 'it'll be you two next" at his cousin's wedding. I suddenly realised how much that prospect horrified me and dumped him. Or rather I agreed to a month long separation because he was so devastated. We were at different universities and had grown apart, both gradually preferring to spend time with new friends.
His mother rang mine to plead his case. He didn't contact me once. Yet when I confirmed the split after the month, he was appalled. Very bizarre.

Ohwtfnow · 10/04/2025 20:59

I was 17 and had just started seeing the head boy from school. He liked to portray the image of a deep thinking music nerd - you know, the kind of lad who reckons they could write the playlist for Radio 6.

Anyway. We were round at his house in a free period while his parents were out. I wanked him off and within 30 seconds of him ‘finishing’, he grabbed a bongo drum from under the bed, sat on the edge of the bed, hunched over said bongo, and started playing it with a whimsical, far away look on his face. I did not ask him to return the sexual favour on account of my flaps slamming shut like a snare.

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