I did it - the unfriending of a friend

[Ishouldgodostuff]

Ideas appreciated on long term friendships fading out ...
I've read many (many) posts on here about being ghosted - sometimes by someone that you thought was a closer friend - or wondering too how to ghost someone yourself - maybe its with those people becoming overbearing/difficult to stay being friends with

I have had a friend from a very long time ago but in the past 3 or 4 or 5 years we have had much less to do with each other, very little in common I thought & sadly on a couple of occasions when I had tried to visit (we live maybe 3 hours away from each other too) her plans changed at the last minute & my visits have been put off. Anyways yesterday I got a short text saying she would call in on her way through my area & I declined her visit. And then I got brave .. & explained why. Kindly. I dont mean her any unnecessary upset & have wished her all the best but I called time.

That I thought too that we had moved on from the closeness we used to share & it was time to move on. She understandably was upset & told me that some friendships can last forever without seeing each other much.
I havent engaged in any further chat with her - which is neither helpful or kind - but it got me thinking.
Actually no, I dont think we can assume that a friendship will last forever with minimal contact or visits. What are your thoughts?

Well, a friendship can last forever with only minimal contact and visits if both parties are happy with that arrangement.

Equally, you’re allowed to end any relationship that isn’t working for you.

I think if you were really close at some point then I think friendships can survive long term but they just evolve into something different. I live in a different country to my old friends but even if I don't catch up with them for more than one visit/a couple of FT calls a year we still enjoy seeing each other.

Other (less close) friendships have faded but I have never directly told any of them that the friendship was over and if we ever crossed paths in the future, I would be pleased to see them. The only time I would end a friendship is if the other person had done something wrong that I couldn't forgive.

To be honest, no I see things completely differently. My friends will still be my friends even if I never see them again. I have never had an expectation that they have to see me or chat to me. I'm happy to carry on wherever we left off the next time I see them.

I think this way also

Same here

That's how it is for me. And for my friends.

Same for me. Brave of OP to be honest though.

I find this deliberate "unfriending" cold,aggressive and unnecessary. You can outgrow friedships or become less close but why not just let it fade away? Why this passive aggressive but "kind" severance? Relationships wax and wane, someone can come back into your life unexpectedly but if you sever a link, it is too final. Sorry OP, I dont think you were being brave or kind at all.

I think that was a bit blunt, however nicely you phrased it. I am not surprised she is hurt. I do understand that friendships fade and this person is no longer part of your life but you could have just been unavailable on that day.

Friendships can survive infrequent contact but it sounds like this friend is a frequent flake so you were right to end it.

Cancelling your visits to her last minute repeatedly and then telling you she is dropping in on you is wild. I’m glad you’ve ditched her.

It depends on the 2 people involved. I am neurodivergent and from what I have found neurodivergent people can pick up old friendships where the left off even after extremely long breaks in contact, there is less small talk and more getting straight back to deep and meaningful stuff, even if it has been years.

But friendships are a 2 way street and have to work for both people, if you need more contact and you felt your attempts at contact hadn't been valued or reciprocated, that's fine if you want a friendship to draw to an end.

I have ADHD and I am so disorganised, I have had friendships drop off unintentionally on my part because I haven't responded to messages or whatever, and I know I probably hurt the person and they are well within their rights to feel from their point of view the friendship has run it's course. I have still felt sad the friendship is over and a little disappointed with myself.

I’m only really friends with people who share the same view that friendships pick up where they left off no matter the gap.
I don’t think it’s that brave either (beyond not just leaving it) - I think you sound annoyed that your friend cancelled on you in the past and have acted in a way that will hurt them as a punishment.

This ☝🏻

Sometimes we are bound by memory and deep understanding that comes through time. I live on the other side of the world from my school friends and see them very very rarely. Our contact is intermittent. But it doesn't matter. To a degree we are memory keepers for each other. There is no one else still alive who knows what my mum looked like or how the pudgy little girl with pigtails (that's me btw!) cried when it was time for rounders on the field.

It doesn't matter how flakey these people might be (and they are not), there is no one else keeping my memories for me.

A couple of years ago I had a call in the middle of the night - it was a close friend who'd been at school with me from 7 years old and with whom id shared a flat after we both left different unis. We had sent each other occasional messages over the years. I recognised her voice straightaway. Her mum had just died and she said she felt compelled to call me because only I would really know the depth of her feeling. Not her husband nor her adult kids nor her sisters nor her Dad. I think it's because fate has made me the keeper of her childhood memories and she mine. And I can't think that anything would change that.

There are other people from the past who I have occasional contact with who don't have that memory keeping job - I still like seeing them if I can and I don't really care too much about the flakey thing. It's always nice to catch up. But if the friend causes you stress or upset, you are well within your rights to dial down that friendship - and that's what I would do if needed. I think that friendships have seasons and we move on from them as we change. And that's OK. I do think that a dramatic severance is overkill though.

Thanks for the comments, harsh & others. I've tried for some time to feel differently however her text yesterday re a call in/visit prompted me to respond fairly quickly to avoid that. But then I felt it wasn't fair to just be unavailable without any further explanation.
This friend had in the interim decided she was worried for me & intended to call in regardless - her worries are needless & a little confusing as our last text message was over 12 mths ago.
But its done now & I am at peace with this decision.

Agree with this

Most of my friendships range in length from 10-35 years, and they wax and wane in closeness over time. I've had friendships where we have not spoken for several years, but have picked up again when we have life changes or new interests that draw us closer. For example, an old university friend I had lost touch with for a few years has recently become close again in part because we have both started a new hobby. It has been a joy reconnecting with her.

This second "blossoming" wouldn't have happened if one of us had drawn a permanent end to our friendship due to not seeing each other frequently.

The fact that friendships can wax and wane over time is why most people don't 'unfriend' in the way you have.

It sounds like you were hurt by her changing plans last minute on previous occasions - which is completely valid. Did you raise that with her at the time and give her a chance to explain and make amends? If you did, how did she respond?

Why is everything such a drama these days? Ever since Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin did their 'conscious uncoupling' pr stunt this kind of overthinking has increased. It's perfectly possible to keep old friends without seeing one another if the depth of friendship is enough to weather life's busy times. These fall outs and the playground drama aren't needed, imo.

I don't really understand why that felt necessary to do and I'm not surprised that she's taken aback. Friendships aren't like romantic relationships - you don't need to mutually establish whether you're in one or out of one at any given time. Most people are perfectly happy to have old friends (and also work friends and family members) whom they occasionally catch up with when an occasion arises but don't prioritize time with regularly.

Yes, a "friendship breakup" can be needed when the relationship/behavior is harming one or both people or if you've tried to fade out the friendship to a comfortable level and the other person absolutely won't take the hint/reacts poorly. But that doesn't seem to be applicable here, so this seems very overdramatic and needlessly hurtful. Why was saying you weren't available when she was passing through not sufficient? How did you anticipate your words making her feel?

I think from the fact that she's concerned about you it's possible that she's assuming you're having some kind of difficult private life stress that's contributing to you not wanting to see her. She may even be thinking that because it was something like that (temporary impossible life stress she couldn't talk about) that was going on when she cancelled on you those two times?

I would not formally end a friendship for the reasons you have. I'm wondering what model of friendship you're working from that this seems normal?

Even if she was flaky I might say "look I'd rather not meet this time, because you've cancelled a lot at short notice recently and I don't want that to happen again - let's do it another time" to get across the point that that was annoying (if you're sure it wasn't for a reason she couldn't talk about). I wouldn't go beyond that to some kind of formal ending of the friendship though.

When lockdown started I had various old friends contact me I hadn't seen for years, and I found myself really wanting to know that they were OK too. It turned out that it really didn't matter how long it had been since we'd seen each other, we all still saw ourselves as friends who mattered to each other. I agree you shouldn't take people for granted and be flaky but I think perhaps this was a bit of an extreme way of dealing with it.

Some friendships are fine with infrequent contact, I have a lot of friends like this and we can pick up where we left of months or even years ago.

However I don't think any healthy friendship can survive repeated rejection, and that is what she's done to you. So move on, thats fair enough. Not everyone is a 'lifetime' friend either, I think some people come into our lives for a short while and then we both change and life moves on.

This. The same with family members. I have friends from school I don't speak to one year end to the next but when we see each other, we're hysterical with happiness. The thought of formally dumping them from my metaphorical 'friends register' is anathema.

Plus one for this 👆

This is a sad read OP. Could you have not just spoken with her? What if she came to see you and it was like you were never apart. My oldest friend is from Year 5 at school. We maybe don’t message for months or see each other in years. The times we do meet there is a sense of comfort, we can talk about anything and everything. It’s like we have been part of each other’s lives even those times we have been apart.

I live 8000 miles away from where I grew up and I still have two friends there; one I'm in contact with several times a week, the other I seldom chat to - unless I visit that country (or she visits mine), when we both pull out all the stops and make sure we spend a night or two together so that we can catch up. I consider both of them good friends,

You're entitled to be friends with whomever you choose, but I can understand why she was hurt by what she said. It sounds like she had a different view of the friendship.

Equally, I've been ghosted before and that's also hurtful, so if you're going to end a friendship rather than fading it out, there's not really a good way of doing it...