I did it - the unfriending of a friend

[Ishouldgodostuff]

Ideas appreciated on long term friendships fading out ...
I've read many (many) posts on here about being ghosted - sometimes by someone that you thought was a closer friend - or wondering too how to ghost someone yourself - maybe its with those people becoming overbearing/difficult to stay being friends with

I have had a friend from a very long time ago but in the past 3 or 4 or 5 years we have had much less to do with each other, very little in common I thought & sadly on a couple of occasions when I had tried to visit (we live maybe 3 hours away from each other too) her plans changed at the last minute & my visits have been put off. Anyways yesterday I got a short text saying she would call in on her way through my area & I declined her visit. And then I got brave .. & explained why. Kindly. I dont mean her any unnecessary upset & have wished her all the best but I called time.

That I thought too that we had moved on from the closeness we used to share & it was time to move on. She understandably was upset & told me that some friendships can last forever without seeing each other much.
I havent engaged in any further chat with her - which is neither helpful or kind - but it got me thinking.
Actually no, I dont think we can assume that a friendship will last forever with minimal contact or visits. What are your thoughts?

I think the same. Unless there is an issue then what is the point of actually saying to somebody I don't want to be your friend. Especially if you hardly ever see them.

My friend since primary school still lives near where we grew up. I live in a different country. We keep in touch via messages here and there. But not regular. When something big happens we make contact. If low we know we can.

When I come to her country we meet up "every single time" I still think of her as one of my best friends. Dh loves her and her dh too. Says they are some of the best people in the world.

When we meet its like no time passed. I love her dearly.

So friendship can cope long periods of silence and distance. However only of both parties are willing to put in the effort..

@namechangealerttt I dont think its a specific ND trait. I think its common both for ND and NT people just the effort is needed.

Tellung truths that cause hurt and serve no purpose isn't honesty - it's cruelty.

That was savage. You didn't need to cut her out completely just because you aren't as close as you used to be.

She was passing by, suggested a catch up you basically said never darken my door again, however 'gently' you think you said it. Maybe there was stuff going on on her life that you don't know about, hence previous cancellations. This might have been the chance for her to open up, or the friendship to become closer again.

Yeah this is the way I see it .
“Friends” who pick you up when it suits them or appear when they need your advice/help but the rest of the time are not putting any effort into the friendship.
Every relationship is 2 sided it’s not take and not give anything back .

She offered to visit you on her way past. Why did you need to make such a drama of it? Was half an hour/an hour of your time to catch up and perhaps rekindle the friendship a little, really such a big deal?

Honestly, if I was your friend I'd be thinking that you were rather ridiculous.

To each her own.

But people’s lives can be challenging and complicated. They can have health problems (mental and physical), relationship problems or financial problems. People can get overwhelmed and exhausted, especially when caring for children or adults, in when in a demanding or difficult paid job. They don’t always want to share what’s going on with people, e.g. people experiencing domestic abuse.

I couldn’t judge someone for ‘not making an effort’ with me. I’d be more worried what’s going on in their life.

I have a long standing friendship with a woman I have known since we were babies and we are very low contact these days, both with busy lives, I went to her hen do last Friday and the last time I saw her before that was when she got engaged 18months ago but you would never guess that we can go a couple of years without seeing each other, we barely even text/call each other either but if she needs me or vice versa we’d be there like a shot, I could never get rid of her as a friend and I think you might come to regret your decision in time

In ten years, an acquaintance, perhaps. But it can be very quick for it to become friendship again if circumstances are right.

Brutal 😨

Blimey, I think you've done her a favour.

1. People cancel plans for all sorts of reasons, life getting in the way, anxiety, finances.....a good friend realises this and makes allowances.

2. Never, ever burn your bridges. Just why would you make enemies or seek to hurt someone.

I agree. Bit savage.

So because she put you off twice in the last (up to) 5 years, you've decided that she isn't a friend worth having and have checked out. That's some grudge.

This is going to sound harsh but she's probably better off without you if that's how you view friendships.

I think it's different for people who have moved around a lot.

You make friends in different places. But although you meet a lot of great people, you can't keep up with the type of friendship that OP is expecting. It's just not possible when you have more than a few friends a good distance away.

What works then is a much lower - commitment friendship.

Not great friends, no... but friends. I don't stop liking people just because I haven't seen them in 10 years. If circumstances mean we can meet up, it's as if the last 10/20 years haven't happened.

It would be weird if someone I haven't spoken to in 10 years texted out of the blue for chit chat. But I would absolutely be up for a coffee and a catch up if we happen to be in the same town.

It seemed you were upset by her previous cancellations of your meet ups . So this was your ultimate revenge upon her to not only not meet with her but to gleefully tell her that you don’t intend to ever see her again because there is nothing left of the friendship . This was done in spite . I think you have done her a favour and have bitten your nose to spite your face . Not sure how old you are but this will probably come back to you when you are older and you’ll realise how mean you were .

wow. How mean amd petty.

It would have been more cruel to ghost her with no explanation. People deserve honesty. It doesn't sound like OP was being cruel, just authentic.

Far better than being ignored and cut out with no understanding of why and how it happened.

And of course it served a purpose - to end the friendship and ensure the other person understood.

Why did you say no? It might have been nice to chat. I don't really understand your reasoning. You have not fallen out and she has done nothing wrong. Slightly weird.

Well I admire you for being able to say "I've had enough of this friendship, Goodbye"
I wish I had said that.
I out grew a friendship a decade ago. We were friends from school till mid 30s. But her behaviour got too much for me and I wanted to cool our relationship. But by then I was Godmother to her child, with whom I feel a lot of sympathy, fondness and support. So I couldn't break contact with the child. The child is now a late teen so I can support them directly now. I've been declining invitations from my ex-friend for years and I have been rejecting her suggestions to visit me. But the message hasn't got through to her.

Friendships can last for years with minimal contact but they change. We have friends we were very close to 30+ years ago but they moved away. We only exchanged Christmas cards and the odd FB message for years until 5 years ago when we reconnected. Since then we have seen each other 4 times but we pick up where we left off. We have our own lives where we live but when we are together it's like a separate existence. It suits all of us but the friend you have said goodbye to does not seem to want the sort of friendship you are offering. I think you are very brave.

But she didn't need to ghost her! They live three hours apart!

So she should have just ignored her messages then? (That's ghosting.)

Or she should have seen her even though she didn't want to?

I’m another one like this. A friend I hadn’t seen in around 8 years - I recently picked up the phone to them because I was in a really low place, and they arrived 20 minutes later like we’d never been apart. Took me to their family home, who reiterated I’d always be part of the family.

Yes, same.

I think all this ghosting and unfriending is a more recent phenomenon.

This is my feeling on the matter as well. I can go for many months - or years - without seeing or communicating with someone and when I do see them or speak to them again we just pick up where we left off.

I would be very upset if a friend "unfriended" me just because we hadn't spoken or seen each other for a while.