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Original poster

I did it - the unfriending of a friend

295 replies

Ishouldgodostuff · 28/03/2025 02:53

Ideas appreciated on long term friendships fading out ...
I've read many (many) posts on here about being ghosted - sometimes by someone that you thought was a closer friend - or wondering too how to ghost someone yourself - maybe its with those people becoming overbearing/difficult to stay being friends with

I have had a friend from a very long time ago but in the past 3 or 4 or 5 years we have had much less to do with each other, very little in common I thought & sadly on a couple of occasions when I had tried to visit (we live maybe 3 hours away from each other too) her plans changed at the last minute & my visits have been put off. Anyways yesterday I got a short text saying she would call in on her way through my area & I declined her visit. And then I got brave .. & explained why. Kindly. I dont mean her any unnecessary upset & have wished her all the best but I called time.

That I thought too that we had moved on from the closeness we used to share & it was time to move on. She understandably was upset & told me that some friendships can last forever without seeing each other much.
I havent engaged in any further chat with her - which is neither helpful or kind - but it got me thinking.
Actually no, I dont think we can assume that a friendship will last forever with minimal contact or visits. What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
MauveExpert · 29/03/2025 18:06

Hard relate to this, very good points

Buffs · 29/03/2025 18:23

NordicGiant · 28/03/2025 02:59

To be honest, no I see things completely differently. My friends will still be my friends even if I never see them again. I have never had an expectation that they have to see me or chat to me. I'm happy to carry on wherever we left off the next time I see them.

This. Perfectly put.

Tonkie18 · 29/03/2025 18:24

Weird. Controlling. ‘If you can’t see me as much as I’d like, then we can’t be friends’

My daughters been through similar with high school friends.

Having a hectic life myself and having to cancel last minute plans due to health issues/crisis - I’m glad I don’t have any friends that would just drop me 🙁

browneyes77 · 29/03/2025 18:34

NordicGiant · 28/03/2025 02:59

To be honest, no I see things completely differently. My friends will still be my friends even if I never see them again. I have never had an expectation that they have to see me or chat to me. I'm happy to carry on wherever we left off the next time I see them.

I agree

My best friend is a best friend of 47 years. We’ve known each other all our lives. Birthdays 1 day apart. Parents are friends.

We live literally 3 miles away from each other but only tend to meet up at birthdays and Christmas.

We both acknowledge we’re a bit shit at sorting out seeing each other. Life and work schedules just seems to get in the way. But we also both know that if either one of us needed the other, we’d be there in a heartbeat. We don’t have to see each other regularly to have a solid friendship.

My other close friend wants to meet up every 2 months. Because she’s someone who needs that face to face contact more.

I think it very much depends on how you as an individual view your friendships and what you want from them. Just because something doesn’t work for you, doesn’t mean it won’t for others.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 29/03/2025 18:40

Ishouldgodostuff · 28/03/2025 02:53

Ideas appreciated on long term friendships fading out ...
I've read many (many) posts on here about being ghosted - sometimes by someone that you thought was a closer friend - or wondering too how to ghost someone yourself - maybe its with those people becoming overbearing/difficult to stay being friends with

I have had a friend from a very long time ago but in the past 3 or 4 or 5 years we have had much less to do with each other, very little in common I thought & sadly on a couple of occasions when I had tried to visit (we live maybe 3 hours away from each other too) her plans changed at the last minute & my visits have been put off. Anyways yesterday I got a short text saying she would call in on her way through my area & I declined her visit. And then I got brave .. & explained why. Kindly. I dont mean her any unnecessary upset & have wished her all the best but I called time.

That I thought too that we had moved on from the closeness we used to share & it was time to move on. She understandably was upset & told me that some friendships can last forever without seeing each other much.
I havent engaged in any further chat with her - which is neither helpful or kind - but it got me thinking.
Actually no, I dont think we can assume that a friendship will last forever with minimal contact or visits. What are your thoughts?

Actually I do agree with her. Some friendships are daily/weekly, some are more occasional and involve a few visits a year and keeping in touch via text. Different friendships look different and they can evolve over time. I wouldn’t be so concerned about that aspect so much as the flakiness. I don’t mind infrequent meetings but I can’t stand flakiness. I think it’s always good to keep the door open unless someone does something very wrong. Even flakiness - you can bring people to account and retain the friendship of the other person values you enough.

Dogsbreath7 · 29/03/2025 19:02

But if it’s awkward when you meet up then I think it’s fair. If you meet every month, year or 5 and it’s great/enjoyable that’s different to how the OP feels in that the connection or shared interests was lost.

The friend imposing a visit triggered the OP- she was at least honest.

GoldenGail · 29/03/2025 19:32

Glad you aren’t my friend

exaltedwombat · 29/03/2025 20:08

What an odd attitude! You feel that a ‘friendship’ must score a certain number of points or be officially terminated?

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 29/03/2025 20:24

You were hurt by her cancellations, so decided to hurt her back. You're not so ok with it, otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

You obviously have different expectations but as others have said, life happens and we're not as available as we'd like.

I cancelled 3 dates in a row last minute because of work and illness.

Had he taken that as flakey, we wouldn't have gone on to get married.

Don't take it personally when plans get cancelled. Most people are juggling a lot and if she wasn't interested, she wouldn't have been rescheduling.

Bowies · 29/03/2025 21:21

I think you would have been better to have dealt with your upset closer to the time your friend cancelled, I can see why your reaction came as a bit of a shock.

mrssprout · 29/03/2025 21:46

I have a friend from high school, nearly 40 years ago. We haven't lived near each other in all of those years, for some of them she lived overseas. We are still close. She was recently passing by my place to see her parents & she dropped in for a quick visit on her way home. I had a heart/lung transplant 4 years ago & she hadn't seen me since I'd had it. She walked in my door, cuddled me & cried. We talked for hours, as though we'd seen each other yesterday, although it had been years. Friendships can last if you both want to keep it going but they don't have to if it isn't working for one of you.

NewYearSameMe16 · 29/03/2025 22:37

I’m going to buck the trend and back OP on this. I have one friend from uni 20 years ago who I hung out with as part of a group. As everyone went different ways, I found that when we met up alone, we didn’t have much in common. We haven’t seen each other in years and she’s been trying to meet up but taking time out of my busy life to meet someone out of sentiment just feels annoying. I think it’s ok to decide to dedicate the time we have to the ones that bring us joy and add to our lives and not waste energy seeing someone just for old times sake. As long as you’re not mean OP, if you’re not getting anything out of the friendship, don’t feel like you have to pour anymore into it.

HellDorado · 29/03/2025 23:03

The friend imposing a visit triggered the OP- she was at least honest.

”Triggered” 🙄🙄

Spinninsweetness · 29/03/2025 23:38

miraxxx · 28/03/2025 03:46

I find this deliberate "unfriending" cold,aggressive and unnecessary. You can outgrow friedships or become less close but why not just let it fade away? Why this passive aggressive but "kind" severance? Relationships wax and wane, someone can come back into your life unexpectedly but if you sever a link, it is too final. Sorry OP, I dont think you were being brave or kind at all.

💯 agree with this

DeedsNotDiddums · 30/03/2025 00:07

I was the recipient of one of these. Started with no replies to messages, no responses to calls, and then finally the "we have just grown apart" missive when I tried to ask what was wrong.
It was a punch to the gut, and I was left to pick up the pieces.
I am definitely one of those who feel that friendships can change, but so long as the goodwill remains, there is no reason to sever ties or spell it out in this blunt way. And at least for me, the goodwill remains despite distance, because why would it not. We had some good times.

Shoezembagsforever · 30/03/2025 00:23

Well bravo you. I bet you’re feeling super smug this evening. What a pointless thread…

farmlife2 · 30/03/2025 00:55

It sounds more like you wanted to punish her. I've only once cleanly unfriended someone, but there was a very good reason for it and anyone that knows why totally understands. Otherwise, as I explained to my son, sometimes when you're an adult you have friends you don't see much, but they are still friends. I'd have just let it fade.

outofofficeagain · 30/03/2025 02:12

NewYearSameMe16 · 29/03/2025 22:37

I’m going to buck the trend and back OP on this. I have one friend from uni 20 years ago who I hung out with as part of a group. As everyone went different ways, I found that when we met up alone, we didn’t have much in common. We haven’t seen each other in years and she’s been trying to meet up but taking time out of my busy life to meet someone out of sentiment just feels annoying. I think it’s ok to decide to dedicate the time we have to the ones that bring us joy and add to our lives and not waste energy seeing someone just for old times sake. As long as you’re not mean OP, if you’re not getting anything out of the friendship, don’t feel like you have to pour anymore into it.

Did you tell her that though? Or just decline.

NewYearSameMe16 · 30/03/2025 02:43

outofofficeagain · 30/03/2025 02:12

Did you tell her that though? Or just decline.

Show quote history

The last few times she’s tried to meet up, I’ve told her it’s a really busy time (which is technically true) and will get back to her with dates and haven’t. I’m cowardly hoping that she’ll get the message and let it fizzle for good but I think I need to take a leaf out of the OP’s book and just be open in as kind a way as possible.

LameBorzoi · 30/03/2025 03:46

NewYearSameMe16 · 30/03/2025 02:43

The last few times she’s tried to meet up, I’ve told her it’s a really busy time (which is technically true) and will get back to her with dates and haven’t. I’m cowardly hoping that she’ll get the message and let it fizzle for good but I think I need to take a leaf out of the OP’s book and just be open in as kind a way as possible.

Show quote history

This sounds like a sensible tempo, though. More measured than OP's.

I do think it's sad that we are so busy these days that the "cup of tea" catch up has disappeared, however.

My mother and grandmother's old friends would drop over for the length of time that it would take to drink a cup of tea. You can talk to most people for that long, even if you don't have a heap in common. I think it did them a lot of good, having all these connections to people that they weren't super close to.

I seem to remember some research somewhere that showed that sort of thing was really important. You really need cup of tea friends, as well as close friends.

LameBorzoi · 30/03/2025 03:58

I think that's what's been bothering me about this thread.

We all know how important close friends are. However, there's this attitude here that if you aren't a close friend, you haven't made the grade or something.

It's ok to have cup of tea friends. It's ok to be a cup of tea friend - it isn't an insult. And you need cup of tea friends.

Dontknowwhattodosayorfeel · 30/03/2025 03:59

NordicGiant · 28/03/2025 02:59

To be honest, no I see things completely differently. My friends will still be my friends even if I never see them again. I have never had an expectation that they have to see me or chat to me. I'm happy to carry on wherever we left off the next time I see them.

100% agree

mathanxiety · 30/03/2025 04:53

I think your response was weird, unkind, and unnecessary, and your sense of peace is inexplicably cut and dried.

You've grown apart...she bailed on your visits at the last minute = the message you sent?

I agree with another poster that you were punishing her. Otherwise why wait until she announced a visit to you to dismiss her from your friendship?

mathanxiety · 30/03/2025 05:10

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mathanxiety · 30/03/2025 05:10

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