I did it - the unfriending of a friend

[Ishouldgodostuff]

Ideas appreciated on long term friendships fading out ...
I've read many (many) posts on here about being ghosted - sometimes by someone that you thought was a closer friend - or wondering too how to ghost someone yourself - maybe its with those people becoming overbearing/difficult to stay being friends with

I have had a friend from a very long time ago but in the past 3 or 4 or 5 years we have had much less to do with each other, very little in common I thought & sadly on a couple of occasions when I had tried to visit (we live maybe 3 hours away from each other too) her plans changed at the last minute & my visits have been put off. Anyways yesterday I got a short text saying she would call in on her way through my area & I declined her visit. And then I got brave .. & explained why. Kindly. I dont mean her any unnecessary upset & have wished her all the best but I called time.

That I thought too that we had moved on from the closeness we used to share & it was time to move on. She understandably was upset & told me that some friendships can last forever without seeing each other much.
I havent engaged in any further chat with her - which is neither helpful or kind - but it got me thinking.
Actually no, I dont think we can assume that a friendship will last forever with minimal contact or visits. What are your thoughts?

I think you were harsh. Let her visit, make tea and catch up. Friends come in all shapes and sizes, the truly close and the less so. We need people in our lives and perhaps shouldn’t be so quick to move on from them. Unless, they have hurt you or you genuinely don’t like them.

I'd probably have agreed to see her, and would have made enquiries about the flakiness. She might have had stuff going on you didn't know about.

But at least she knows why you didn't want to see her. I was ghosted by a fairly new friend many years ago and it stung, particularly as we were about to move away anyway and I was trying to return some stuff she'd loaned me. I still wonder what I did wrong... if anything.

I’m from an area where migration is common so yes, our bonds can last years with very little contact. It’s normal.

The issue here is you both having plans and her cancelling them last minute. That’s not someone who is invested in a friendship, for whatever reason. It’s rude to do so more than once.

But why? What did this strange deceleration actually achieve, in this particular situation?

I think you did the right thing OP, you told her the truth and further replies will just drag out the uncomfortable situation. I was in exactly the same position, sent a message explaining how I felt but didn’t reply further. It was the right decision. My friend was quite devious in things she told me and very demanding/dramatic when I saw her. Our meet ups caused me a lot of anxiety before, during and after.
A couple of posters suggesting that you should have let the relationship fizzle out - I tried with my friend by making excuses but she kept asking to see me. I’d ran out of excuses and I had to just tell her.

It was the truth of how she felt. It doesn't need any more justification than that.

Why stay friends with someone when you don't want to? Seems an odd idea. I only want to be friends with people who also want my friendship.

I can see both sides here. I have plenty of friendships that have naturally faded over time due to us being busy or not living close by to each other anymore.

However, I have also cut people out for similar reasons to OP. Actually. I've only done this once. She moved away, then kept visiting town and catching up with mutual friends, bit never inviting me along or mentioning that she was in town. I was on good terms with everyone so I didn't really understand why I was being excluded. She messaged to ask of I'd be performing at a particular show. I asked why she was getting in contact all of a sudden, and she responded to say that she just wondered if I'd be at this particular venue that evening. So she was just checking to see if she was going to run into me! I deleted her off all my social media.

No idea what I did, but she was flakey and tended to form very close friendships and then drop people. So I guess she just didn't realise how flakey she was being, possibly?

OP I think some pp are missing the point. It's hurtful when someone you were once close with, discards you and clearly cannot be bothered to match your effort - even if it is infrequent. She's shocked because most people don't call her out on her behaviour.

Sometimes we have to explain to people why they have hurt us. And sometimes we need to cut people out- for ourselves.

Yeah but I'm not referring to those posts. I'm referring to the ones that are saying 'why not just meet up with her'. The op doesn't want to. It's clearly debatable how she handles the fact that she no longer wants to spend time with her but the idea that you would just continue to meet up with someone you don't actually want a friendship with is what I'm talking about. Honestly I hope my friends never do me that particular 'favour'!

I agree. Far better to be open and honest about your feelings than feel really secretly annoyed and force yourself to see someone you dont really want to- thats passive aggressive and hardly healthy behaviour.

I don’t think it matters how often you see each other, the thing for me is effort. If I’m the only one making all the effort than I let them drift. I’ve done this recently and it feels so much better than a one sided effort.

She has tried recently but I’m done. I’ve got plenty of friends who do make an effort, and loyalty is very important to me.

A few of my old school friends say that if things were fine when you last saw each other, you can assume things still are and pick up where you left off, with annual meet ups etc. I do agree but also think that limits a friendship massively, to a very surface level, pleasantries-based friendship (how can you get deep and up to date on someone’s life during one annual lunch, for example).

…

If you don’t want to see someone, just make an excuse. It’s not as if she was going to be on your doorstep every day, as she lives far away. Many old friendships drift and fade. There’s no need for a big formal severance speech. It’s not brave, it’s cruel.

I can think of a lot of people I've drifted out of touch with, but I've never sent them a formal severance letter! I'm glad I haven't in many cases. For example a while ago I was contacted by someone I hadn't seen for a number of years who was in my area because her eldest child was attending some sort of course. I was busy with work and the same day she was available I had to make a work trip to Sheffield. So I said no initially. However, she persisted and I agreed to meet up at a cafe in the town centre a while before I had to get my train. I'm glad I did because we discovered several interests in common and she seemed a lot better than I remembered. She'd been thinking about many things and seemed a lot less vacuous! So we nattered away very pleasantly for over an hour. Now, if I'd issued a formal redundancy notice years ago, we wouldn't have been able to do that.

I think declining a short visit was really mean. You sound hugely pleased with yourself that you have caused an old friend some hurt and upset. I agree that good friends can be for life no matter how often you see each other. An old friend from uni was recently in my area and we met up after 20 years and it was like we saw each other only yesterday. I can't imagine declining her visit. Friends come in and out of our lives all the time. It's not as if she was hounding you to go out, your friendship seems to naturally have fallen into a more low key, few times a year thing anyway. Also, reading your post it sounds like you declined her visit because she was too busy for your last visit, a tit for tat thing, which is just childish and spiteful.

I think a friendship can last forever with minimal contact as long as one party is not letting the other one down. I rarely see my best friend from school, but when we do, we click so well it's like no time has gone by. We send Christmas cards, we meet up when we are in the area (other ends of the country), our siblings are also friends so that helps keep the connection too. We send flowers at big life moments. It is an almost invisible thread between us, but it's a strong one and think it will always survive.

Sorry your friend let you down!

If you are happy with your decision and it least she knows where she stands then fair enough.
but it doesn’t sound as though you are at peace with it if you are on here looking for reassurance

I let a ten year friendship fade away before. I was always the sole party maintaining the friendship. If I didn’t call there were no calls. If I didn’t visit there were no visits. I grew tired of the expectation that all the effort was my responsibility and just stopped doing it one day. I knew what would happen. They never called me or visited me and the friendship which I had solely maintained with no reciprocation just faded away. I found out afterwards that they had been meeting up with other people who lived near me but didn’t even tell me they were in town, so I know I did the right thing.

I agree with this.

So many people seem to want to impose minimal service levels on friendships as if they were a contractual relationship. I find it bizarre, unrealistic and self-sabotaging.

You're not prepared to commit to going out twice a month = blocked
You're not prepared to speak to me at 2am when I'm having a meltdown = deleted
You didn't want to come to my hen = ghosted

Friendships do wax and wane due to circumstances. People get married, have children, move house, move job etc. Life inevitably gets in the way. If you seek to maintain the levels of availability that predate that situation you are imposing unattainable standards which people won't be able to keep to. It's just not realistic.

I have a friend who I have known for 35 years: we didn't see each other at one point for about 8 years. (Her then partner was a controlling arsehole who didn't like me). If I'd dropped her over this with a dramatic flounce I would have lost a lifelong friend. As it was after they split up we picked up again as if nothing had happened.

If you can't be flexible with friendships in difficult times you don't have the right to expect it in return. That doesn't mean being a doormat. It just means being reasonable.

I have friends I don’t see much that span decades but we always still get together and it always feels like no time has passed when we do

OP, it sounds to me as if you reacted to the fact that she'd cancelled your planned visits at short notice by ending the friendship as a kind of punishment, which is your prerogative but does feel a bit tit for tat. Around this time last year I went to visit an old colleague who I last saw 18 years ago and who I've only exchanged Christmas cards and maybe a couple of calls a year with since we last met. We walked into each others arms, delighted to see each other, had a hug and spent a lovely couple of days reminiscing and learning a lot about each others' lives. When we left we resumed our pattern of three-monthly phone calls and occasional emails. So I'd agree with your ex-friend that some friendships can survive very little contact and remain strong.

I guess it’s interpretation of words.

If someone’s my friend they’ll always be my friend. To me, it’s unconditional. Some of my friends, I’m not in contact with for years. Life happens. But when I do see them or speak to them, it’s as if the time hasn’t passed. As you move through life, old friends are so valuable. They knew you when you were at an earlier stage in your life, which can be wonderful.

IMHO, someone you deliberately chose to exclude from your life is an acquaintance, rather than a friend.

IMHO if you tell someone that’s what you’ve chosen to do, without knowing what’s going on in their life or how fragile they might be feeling (and of course none of us actually know how someone’s really feeling), seems rather self-absorbed and unkind.

If your only reason to cut her out is because you are upset that she hasn't spent enough time with you and not the waybshe has treated you or behaved then I think you have overreacted.
Honestly smacks of main character syndrome to me, if you need to be a priority in someone's life otherwise you aren't interested. A casual friendship where you message from time to time (I don't think you've mentioned, did you message/call over the years when you couldn't visit?) And drop in for coffee when in the area seems perfectly healthy to me. If you cba to maintain that then fine, but I think a big 'we've grown apart and I can't be your friend any more' message was bizarre and unnecessary.

Because until recently, OP DID want to meet up with her. The only thing that's changed is this weird power game.

I am a bit bemused by all these people who insist their friend hasnt bothered to contact them in 10 years but they're still great friends.

If someone cant be arsed to even send you a single message in 10 whole years then chances are they dont consider you a "friend" you are merely a distant contact or an aquaintance they know. A text takes 30 seconds - they havent had 30 seconds in an entire 10 years?