I did it - the unfriending of a friend

[Ishouldgodostuff]

Ideas appreciated on long term friendships fading out ...
I've read many (many) posts on here about being ghosted - sometimes by someone that you thought was a closer friend - or wondering too how to ghost someone yourself - maybe its with those people becoming overbearing/difficult to stay being friends with

I have had a friend from a very long time ago but in the past 3 or 4 or 5 years we have had much less to do with each other, very little in common I thought & sadly on a couple of occasions when I had tried to visit (we live maybe 3 hours away from each other too) her plans changed at the last minute & my visits have been put off. Anyways yesterday I got a short text saying she would call in on her way through my area & I declined her visit. And then I got brave .. & explained why. Kindly. I dont mean her any unnecessary upset & have wished her all the best but I called time.

That I thought too that we had moved on from the closeness we used to share & it was time to move on. She understandably was upset & told me that some friendships can last forever without seeing each other much.
I havent engaged in any further chat with her - which is neither helpful or kind - but it got me thinking.
Actually no, I dont think we can assume that a friendship will last forever with minimal contact or visits. What are your thoughts?

OP, unless there is some backstory beyond contact falling off the last few years, I find what you did anything but kind.

I am not a fan of this current need to break up with friends, telling them exactly why, which inevitably, is over one friend taking umbridge over lack of contact.

Friendships and their intensity ebb and flow, particularly as we travel through life's stages. Whilst I understand that frequent last minute cancellations and failure to respond to texts can be hurtful, I wouldn't call time on a life long friendship over that - particularly when this friend then tried to see me.

I have friends of 44 years I barely ever see as they live so far away, but we are here for each other, loosely in contact. I would certainly be there for them if they needed me. I have other closer friends I see every week, and we are very close. I then have circles of girlfriends and it is relaxed we just see each other when we can.

I have had friends that were supposed to be very close friends that took me for granted, let me down frequently and showed little interest in my life. I was honest regarding my feelings - that I wouldn’t be committing to a close friendship as it had become harmful/hurtful. I was honest about my experience, and downgraded the friendship accordingly. It stopped bothering me then.

It sounds to me like you saw this friendship as something that should been better than it was. Your friend had repeatedly let you down and you didn’t enjoy being a friend of convenience rather than a proper friend.

I don’t think you explained enough at the time of her last cancellation how much it had upset you. That is why she is blindsided. If she had known at the time, she wouldn’t have been surprised.

In some ways she made you feel like a ‘free option’ and who seriously wants to be a free option.
Just when she happens to be passing.

I would have apologised for letting you down in the past and making you feel that way in her place. I wonder why she didn’t?

If she tried to make amends or apologise that would indicate to me that she really cares and has acknowledged your feelings. The friendship might even strengthen afterwards.

If you are just meting out punishment then that is different op. Only you can say what your motivations were. So it is hard to say.

I agree, to be honest. Unless someone is actively unkind or hurtful, why the finality?

On this instance, why couldn't you have enjoyed the visit and the chat and then move on with the day?

I can see op’s point, why should she make time for a friend that’s not really a friend? More a passing acquaintance that picks her up and drops her at will. I am too busy for friendships like this, and people cancelling all of the time. So I can see she has a point.
Time is too precious, and maybe she wants to use her time for something more meaningful and reliable?

OP. I find your reasoning very harsh. Last minute changes can suddenly hit us, who knows what the reason but that’s life. I feel sorry for your friend but at least she knows not to bother with you anymore.

If you're no longer "feeling the love" and don't want to keep the friendship going then what you did was perfectly valid. It will have been a slap round the face to your former friend, and they will have been shocked by what you said, no doubt but that was your decision so you need to own it and move on.

however I definitely don't agree with your premise that a friendship isn't a friendship if you don't meet up. I have a very close friendship with someone I worked with many years ago when I first started work. They were and still are US based and we are very dear to each other. We have regular email exchanges and telecoms/FT chats and apart from DH I would say they will always be one of very few people in my life that I'd go to, to talk something through and get words of wisdom from. I can't imagine telling them I don't want to be their friend because we haven't seen each other for years. Friendship and connection can transcend geography and time.

I don't see the need. Looks like tit for tat. You can still enjoy the company of an old friend you've not seen in a while. Why hurt people unnecessarily? Have a cup of tea with them and carry on. Unless they're abusive, there's just no need.

Just wondering OP why you didn’t just let the friendship fizzle out? Easier and kinder but each to their own I guess.

DP and I were close friends with a couple - shared houses at uni, hosted them regularly after uni, and accommodated one of them for weeks when they had professional exams in our town. I was asked to be in their wedding party.
We moved further away in mid-20s, and for about 7 years put effort into keeping in touch with them - visited them every time we were in their area (had other friends and family there).
An early sign something was off was that I was asked to stand out of their wedding photos, i.e. the rest of the wedding party were photographed together while I stood like a mug on my own about 20 yards out of shot. Another was when one of them came to our town (at the other end of the country) for a weekend away with friends, was within 10 minutes of our door, and made no effort to contact us. The last time we saw them was when we got married. We knew there wasn't much friendship left but didn't want to snub them by not inviting. In the years since we'd moved further away, they'd never crossed our door or phoned us. At our wedding, one of them said to DP, "if we don't come and see you in the next year, I'll understand if you never speak to me again". They didn't, so we haven't.
They do, however, still pretend to mutual friends that we are still in touch and everything is fine. You reach a point when you know there is no real friendship there (if indeed there ever was) and you just feel used / taken for granted, at which time it's pointless to continue and you're better putting your effort into other things.

Friendships can survive long distance and rare contact but whenever the contact is all one sided then I don’t feel like the friendship is worth continuing.

i have friends that live in Australia, we chat infrequently, comment on each others Facebook posts but we always pick up where we left when they visit.

i also had a friend who I helped through one of her parents death, her divorce a house move a few turbulent relationships but it was all one sided when she met her husband. She never text first , took forever to reply and wasn’t there when I needed support and tbh I don’t need friends like that so I stopped messaging and took her off my socials. She never questioned why so that was my answer.

It’s definitely better than ghosting though.

I don’t agree with ghosting or fading without explanation. Leaving people wondering and confused.

I think you seem really pleased with yourself about this and I'm not sure why.
You ended a friendship with someone who hadn't really done anything wrong and then gave her a smug speech about why... are you posting about it because you want a medal or round of applause?

Agreed. The ghosting sounds a bit tit for tat. What's the backstory?

If she came on here and posted that she’d asked to meet up with a friend she doesn’t see often and the friend had said no and ended the friendship she’d be told she was well rid and to find better friends.

I think that ending a friendship if the other person has done something wrong is one thing. Actively ending a friendship purely because you’ve moved in different directions is spiteful and nasty and the person who does so really isn’t a very nice person.

It’s possible for friendships to drift over time, but there’s a difference between simply losing touch over time and actually saying to someone that you don’t want to be friends any more. That’s the kind of thing that five year olds do, and are chastised for doing.

This. I have friendships that have lasted 30+ years and we hardly see each other but know the other is there and when we do see each other there’s no fuss or issue it’s just nice!
I think it was really cruel to just end something so abruptly like that with someone you were supposed to care about. She didn’t particularly do anything wrong, no argument or betrayal and you’ve just cut her off. I’d be upset but realise that you’re not really someone I’d want in my life anyway if you can behave like that. God help your current “friends”

If she hasn’t been a good friend- ie not being there for you, being unkind, letting you down then it’s reasonable that you wouldn’t want her friendship. If it was just a case of seeing less of each other due to circumstances then I think friendships can survive thet as long as both parties are happy with it. I have a couple of friends I rarely see but when I do I just pick up where we left off.

It depends on whether both parties are happy with that arrangement. It does sound rather as if you’re just annoyed (understandably) because she kept cancelling your visits.

Here's a way of thinking about the situation sparked by a recent decision I had to make: if she were to die unexpectedly, would you go to her funeral (assuming you could)?

You were annoyed that she'd cancelled a couple of times, felt rejected it seems, and it's given way to bitterness.
It sounds, however, as if her reasons for cancelling have been genuine (given she's reacted with shock at you 'calling time' - ie it doesn't sound like she was looking for an excuse to never see you again!).
Given the distance, it would've been easy for you to just accept you were on different pages (friends aren't obliged to meet exacting expectations; it's up to us to adjust our expectations) and let the friendship fade entirely - the 'break up' speech was inappropriate and unnecessary.

This is sad. Your poor ex-friend.

i have some dear friends that i dont speak to for years but when we meet, its as if nothing has changed

I feel Ike you have almost created drama and a situation that didnt need to be there.

I just dont understand formally ending a friendship when there has been no real reason to (eg she hasnt been a bad person to you, there hasn't been a falling out...)

I have a number of people who I know from old (past colleagues, old school/college friends) who are there in the background. We don't talk much, the odd text or social media message and thats ok.

If they suggested coming round for a coffee, I would either say yes and enjoy the catching up for what it is, with the knowledge it may be a long time until this happened again, or I would say I had plans/wouldn't be home if I did in fact have plans.

It just doesnt seem this friendship takes too much from your life so I'm not sure there was the need to tell her you wanted to end the friendship...it just seems odd and overdramatic

I have lost many friends in many different ways over the ways. I don't think what you did was wrong. I am the person who respects strong boundaries, rather than the death by a 1000 cuts which I ersonally find is much worse.

I also disagree with other assertions that it doesn't matter if your friends are in your lives. My friends are the people who care about how I am doing, enough to ask and listen to the answer. I am having a difficult time with my closest friend. We simply cannot line up a telephone call, which is totally fine, but she keeps telling me the reason she can't catch up, which stings a little that cupcakes for a charity are more important than me.