I did it - the unfriending of a friend

[Ishouldgodostuff]

Ideas appreciated on long term friendships fading out ...
I've read many (many) posts on here about being ghosted - sometimes by someone that you thought was a closer friend - or wondering too how to ghost someone yourself - maybe its with those people becoming overbearing/difficult to stay being friends with

I have had a friend from a very long time ago but in the past 3 or 4 or 5 years we have had much less to do with each other, very little in common I thought & sadly on a couple of occasions when I had tried to visit (we live maybe 3 hours away from each other too) her plans changed at the last minute & my visits have been put off. Anyways yesterday I got a short text saying she would call in on her way through my area & I declined her visit. And then I got brave .. & explained why. Kindly. I dont mean her any unnecessary upset & have wished her all the best but I called time.

That I thought too that we had moved on from the closeness we used to share & it was time to move on. She understandably was upset & told me that some friendships can last forever without seeing each other much.
I havent engaged in any further chat with her - which is neither helpful or kind - but it got me thinking.
Actually no, I dont think we can assume that a friendship will last forever with minimal contact or visits. What are your thoughts?

I’ve ended two friendships in recent years, with support on here (3 if you count the one that nearly cost my DH his career, but that wasn’t really a choice). I think it’s very hard to do, but the two I ended were, brutally, a waste of time. I know that sounds terrible, but I was frustrated at spending time with people I no longer felt a connection with so felt it better to stop wasting their time too.

I think so too. At least you know where you are and can move on.

There's one thing of not being in each other's pockets because things are going on in each other's lives or even in one person's life which I think some of you are talking about, and which is fine particularly if you've told the other person you're preoccupied and why. But then there's the deliberate downgrading of someone, which is not replying to messages, however occasional, never being able to meet up, being generally lukewarm and hoping the other person will get the message which is really cruel.I genuinely don't think it makes you a better person to ghost someone rather than be honest.

OP I also think it's fine to get fed up with someone who acts like they want contact and then always flakes. However, I think I'd have to say I was fed up and give them the chance to explain first or to make more effort rather than going straight into cutting them off.

Thought this was one of those ‘only on MN’ things and in real life nobody really formally ends a friendship. Is there any need when you could have just said ‘oh that’s a shame but I’m elsewhere/busy today’ and everyone still could have felt vaguely ok about it?

But why need to fade out at all? This friendship was there in the background, the odd message and meet up. The op didnt need to instigate going to see the friend anymore (after the cancellations) but why not continue with the contact they do have and either accept the visit for a catch up, or continue as it is?

I am guessing because the OP has tried to keep the friendship alive by visiting and has been cancelled on last minute. Then, when the friend happened to be passing and it was suddenly convenient for her, she wanted to drop in last minute. Thats a little cheeky in my book. It smacks of convenience rather than genuinely making an effort to see her. I do understand why the OP might feel a little bit disposable in this case. Also, they cant be that close if they havent had any contact for an entire year so it wasnt really "there in the background" anyway.

I think the same here. If your friend hadn't done anything wrong. Why hurt her?
Also, you just never know who will return as a friend in years to come

Me too. People are busy with the lives on their doorstep. Life is much more stressful and people can feel burnt out and not wanting to spend hours on the phone. Nor can they afford to visit people regularly with cost of living.

I'm really surprised people think the op should just continue to meet up with her when her friend wants to despite not wanting to herself. God I'd be mortified if someone was agreeing to meet with me out of some sense of obligation rather than a genuine desire to spend time with me.
I'd a thousand times rather they end the friendship so I can find people who actually enjoy my company!

I agree with this and have friends in exactly this category.

the OP is not obliged to be or remain friends with anyone and at least she has had the courtesy to explain to her friend the reasons for ending the friendship, rather than ghosting, which is incredibly rude and potentially cruel.

Well done OP! You were not unkind at all, you were just honest and phrased it politely in my view. Ghosting or "fading out" are no better at all. I suspect you didn't want to be burdened with dealing with any future texts from her as this friendship was one sided and had run its course. What she did as well seems very intense and fake (suddenly "really concerned" about you and dropping in last minute after not being in touch for ages). You were kind to give her an explanation, but dont engage further as she'll definitely try to make it an argument, to "convince" or guilt you into keeping in touch.

I think it's more the specific situation here.

There was no need to "cut the friendship off" in a way that you might need to do if you lived near to each other, or had mutual friends. The whole "cutting off" thing served no purpose and so was a bit pointlessly mean.

The whole problem in this situation was that the friend was flaking out on OP. The solution was for OP to stop organising things.

I don't think it's a problem to go from "close friend" to "some I might see occasionally for a cup.of coffee", especially when you live a long way from each other.

Op could have had a nice cup of coffee and a chat, if it was convenient.

If it wasn't, she could have just said, "sorry, I'm busy".

OP would have been under no obligation to organise further catch ups.

I think this is harsh, I have friendships that have faded on me and me faded on them, sometimes it goes in waves when someone is genuinely flaky because of life circumstances and then gets better again but I’d never think to formally end a friendship over that sort of flaky behaviour, only if they did something specifically hurtful to me or my family. I have at least two friends that I can think of that I only exchange Christmas cards / letters with and may never see again (haven’t seen either for about 30 years or had any email / phone contact in that time either) they are still my friends. I have also had friendships fizzle or fade away completely, it happens, you can’t keep in touch with everyone forever. But dumping - no.

This was unnecessary.

You barely see her, she lives hours away. If she was hassling you all the time that would be different but she’s not.

I have friends I barely see. Our lives are busy and difficult, despite once seeing each other every day.

We can easily pick up where we left off.

If you didn’t want to see this person then fine. Just say you’re busy. Nothing would have been any different than it is now.

Saying all the things you did was performative and unnecessary.

I ended a friendship in a similar way to you OP. It had begun to feel really fake: “oh we must meet up” then three months of silence, then one of us makes a plan that then gets cancelled, then the cycle repeats. It was getting tiresome and hard to pretend we had time for each other any more. It felt like mutually we’d just moved on, so I said something along those lines aa politely as possible, and thought she’d feel relief from having to pretend to be enthusiastic and making plans that ultimately were never prioritised. Instead she got really angry and told me I would regret losing our friendship. I was shocked and it confirmed that I’d made the right choice to be honest. It’s been more than 10 years since that conversation and I still don’t regret it, but sometimes I wonder if she also agreed once she’d got over the initial ‘rejection’. I have a circle of friends I meet often, and while sometimes we have to cancel and rearrange meet ups, mostly we prioritise each other because the friendship is strong and worth more effort.

Exactly. I don't resent life getting in the way. I'd love to see any old friend.

To me, it sounds like an attempt at renegotiation of the friendship.

Having someone visit you from 3 hours away is a whole big thing. If someone visits you just for that, it ends up taking up a huge chunk of your day. There are only a very small number of people that you can do that for.

It's ok to have friends that just aren't as close. That you catch up with just for coffee, not a whole day.

OneBrightBiscuit that’s really shocking keeping you out of the wedding photos!

I have friends from school (I'm now in my sixties) who I sometimes haven't spoken to for 8 or 9 years but the minute we meet up it's like I saw them yesterday. IME you don't have to be in constant touch for the friendship to be real and meaningful.

That being said you don't have to stay friends with anyone you no longer feel a connection to. These is a saying 'Friends come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime'. It sounds like the season for this friend has passed.

I agree. I don't think it was kind at all. Why not just let a friendship die away? There might have been genuine reasons why the friend had to change her plans when OP was going to visit her. I don't think that warrants deliberately refusing the friend's recent request to visit OP, and then OP telling her it was over. Why not agree to the visit, and see how it went? Unless OP really couldn't stand the thought of seeing her friend again.

Good that you were honest and fair in ending the friendship rather than ghosting. It sounds like the right decision for you and I think it helps improve confidence in yourself when you're honest and authentic with others.

It's ok to have friends that just aren't as close. That you catch up with just for coffee, not a whole day

Of course, but it's not ok to keep cancelling on someone last minute who is making the effort to travel to see you.

You sound like a weirdo. It was completely was unnecessary but ultimately you have done her a favour by revealing what you are.

Seems a bit harsh. Adult life is busy and it’s hard to fit friends in regularly etc especially distance. I’ve a school friend who lives hours away and we have seen each other a couple of times in a decade but still pass texts every few weeks. It’s fine. She’s still my friend, not close but i wouldn’t want to cut contact.

Even my closest friends who live nearer sometimes it’s weeks before we can actually see ach other but it never affects the bond we have.

If you feel like you don’t want the friendship anymore i guess that’s your choosing in the end.

I don't think it was necessarily the refusal to meet that some of us think is wrong, it's the fact that OP then felt it necessary to tell her friend she wanted to end the friendship. That seems unkind and unnecessary to many of us.

I think it is your choice, but I have many friends from over the years that I love dearly but am not on regular contact with. I met a dear friend last month who I had not seen for 30 years and we had a great evening. She does live in New Zealand, which does not help!! But it would be normal for me to only see some very close friends once or twice a year if they live at a distance.