I did it - the unfriending of a friend

[Ishouldgodostuff]

Ideas appreciated on long term friendships fading out ...
I've read many (many) posts on here about being ghosted - sometimes by someone that you thought was a closer friend - or wondering too how to ghost someone yourself - maybe its with those people becoming overbearing/difficult to stay being friends with

I have had a friend from a very long time ago but in the past 3 or 4 or 5 years we have had much less to do with each other, very little in common I thought & sadly on a couple of occasions when I had tried to visit (we live maybe 3 hours away from each other too) her plans changed at the last minute & my visits have been put off. Anyways yesterday I got a short text saying she would call in on her way through my area & I declined her visit. And then I got brave .. & explained why. Kindly. I dont mean her any unnecessary upset & have wished her all the best but I called time.

That I thought too that we had moved on from the closeness we used to share & it was time to move on. She understandably was upset & told me that some friendships can last forever without seeing each other much.
I havent engaged in any further chat with her - which is neither helpful or kind - but it got me thinking.
Actually no, I dont think we can assume that a friendship will last forever with minimal contact or visits. What are your thoughts?

Completely agree with you. No reason for the big gestures people drift in and out of our lives. That's it nothing more complex is required.

What are you going to do when you cross paths? Do you have mutual friends or mutua interests?

My childhood best friend and I drifted apart when I had my children after 20 plus years of friendship. Neither of us had big gestures we both understood there was no malsce behind it life

A year ago her mother died, she got in touch and told me, I went to her funeral and gave my old friend a hug, we reminisced on childhood memories that included her mum. It was lovely.

We haven't met up since, our lives are very different we are both happy and busy. That's life I'm sure we will cross paths again sometime and when we do it will be lovely again for both of us.

I actually think i find this quiet weird!! (Sorry) If you don’t LIKE her, fair enough, or if she’s done something mean or to offend you, again fair enough, but to cut someone off just because for whatever reason they haven’t been able to see you, and then making a big announcement to them when they finally offer, seems a bit strange. If she was an old friend and I liked her then I would have enjoyed her visit. If she was an old friend and I didn’t like her I think I would just have ignored her…

Completely agree with NordicGiant's post. I think completely unfriending her is so sad

@Marchitectmummy I understand your lives went down different paths, but did you not keep in touch with messages, phone calls, email?? I find that odd, if not.

Am in same situation as OP. I have been trying for nearly two years to let an old and once very close friendship fade away without any unpleasant atmosphere/confrontation. But, the “friend” still keeps trying to get me to have lunch with her, and when I cave in and agree she spends the whole time crowing about her life. She cheerfully told me last time “We have absolutely nothing in common anymore but we have such a laugh” and like a fool I just smiled pleasantly and she resumed bigging herself up.
”Unfriending” is sadly the only way forward for self respect.

There’s been quite a pile on here considering that barely a day goes by on MN without someone posting that their friendship seems to be over & a large number of posters suggesting to them that it is better to actively end the friendship and tell the outgoing friend why, rather than ghost them because that would be unkind.

You have to stop caving in and be less avaliable.

She'll get the message, or your paths will meet again many years from now.

I have a friend who's going through an insta phase which I refuse to be drawn into, so we see less of each other.

She'll probably come back to her senses and we'll pick up from where we left off.

No need to cut people off unless they've done something bad.

that was unnecessarily unkind, you could have just said that you would not be in. I would only deliberately tell a friend that the friendship was over if there had been an argument we could not get past, or if they had done something I could not forgive.

Same here. I did this when someone was deliberately being evasive, so in essence if she was looking to pull out of the friendship I gave her what she wanted. I got a very patronising telling off up the thread from someone saying I was making excessive demands on this person, which I can categorically say is not true.

I have only ever done this once, with this person in question. I've chosen not to engage with people at times, and then nothing has come back, so that's fine. Not real friends though. Just acquaintances.

We did for quite a while, into our early 33s but just very gradually drifted away from each other. Our interests just went in such different ways.all quite outing but I got married, had 5 daughters, set up a business, completely stopped going out clubbing.

She stayed single, became quite a successful and fabulously cool DJ, being invited to different clubs around the world and still in her 40s lives a full on life of glamour.

It sounds ridiculous but we are both just too busy to maintain our friendship, if she lived in London again we might just manage but i live for my children and business and she lives for the vibrancy of change and excitement. We have text a bit since her mother passing and im sure one day our lives will come back together again.

I love the idea of cup of tea friends and my family up north who have an open door, drop in whenever approach have these sort of friendships and I’m pretty jealous tbh. Living a hectic London life, my friendship group tend to book meet ups weeks in advance, so carving out time for someone you have nothing in common with anymore feels like a waste of time. It also feels more cruel to let someone keep reaching out when you don’t have any intention of seeing them.

I grew up like this and miss it. I've tried to reignite it amongst my friends but it hasn't caught on at all. I LOVE people popping in unannounced on the off-chance you are there, stopping g for a cuppa quickly

Agree!

Actually I totally see OPs point.I had a friend who I had been close ( or so I thought) for over 30 years,but then,each time I called her she was 'just about to go out',and would call me the next day. She didn't. I called the next week,tried to make a joke of her 'forgetting' to call, as she is a self confessed scatterbrain,I didn't put too much weight on her snubbing me.But she was busy again and graced me with only 20 mins of her time.
I have never known what I did to upset her,but like many of you I thought close friendships lasted for ever.So, in one last attempt at reaching out, I sent a Christmas card, with a happy message and ended it with my phone number. She is a person who never sends cards,can't even remember when peoples birthdays are so I would never expect a card in return,but I have heard nothing, so thats it for me.I am officially no longer her friend as it goes both ways, and I for one applaud OPs bravery for actually saying so.Good for you.

What's the point in chatting? If the person hasn't bothered with you for years,lets you down when they feel like it, why is it cruel to drop her? So OP should allow the continued snubbing, being picked up like a toy when the friend is a bit bored? No. A one sided friendship is not a friendship.

Def takes efforts both sides. I bumped into old neighbour. She was so keen to meet. I said I text few dates. No reply. I just wont put myself out now going forward. Op you were direct but maybe it needed to be said

Why do people do that?!

I dont know becky but why waste my time. She was one wanting to meet. Disheartening though.

I've had this - met a lady through a mutual hobby, exchanged numbers. She sent the first (and last 😄) text asking if I wanted to meet. I said sure, suggested a convenient to both location, not a peep since! I really don't get people sometimes.

Yes manners cost nothing. I def wont make first move again. Nobody replies to messages now.