I did it - the unfriending of a friend

[Ishouldgodostuff]

Ideas appreciated on long term friendships fading out ...
I've read many (many) posts on here about being ghosted - sometimes by someone that you thought was a closer friend - or wondering too how to ghost someone yourself - maybe its with those people becoming overbearing/difficult to stay being friends with

I have had a friend from a very long time ago but in the past 3 or 4 or 5 years we have had much less to do with each other, very little in common I thought & sadly on a couple of occasions when I had tried to visit (we live maybe 3 hours away from each other too) her plans changed at the last minute & my visits have been put off. Anyways yesterday I got a short text saying she would call in on her way through my area & I declined her visit. And then I got brave .. & explained why. Kindly. I dont mean her any unnecessary upset & have wished her all the best but I called time.

That I thought too that we had moved on from the closeness we used to share & it was time to move on. She understandably was upset & told me that some friendships can last forever without seeing each other much.
I havent engaged in any further chat with her - which is neither helpful or kind - but it got me thinking.
Actually no, I dont think we can assume that a friendship will last forever with minimal contact or visits. What are your thoughts?

10 years on, I thought my friendship with my maid of honor in my wedding was in fizzle-out stage. She actually moved to the same city as me; she knew no-one else when she got here except my friends, who I tried to get her to meet every chance I could to get her off to the right start in a new city.

After year 1, she started flaking on me a lot. We'd make plans, she'd agree enthusiastically, bail last-minute. Once I mentioned it to her casually that she was getting flaky, to which she responded that she wasn't. Okay. I accepted the flake, accepted the fizzle-out, she got a boyfriend and a dog, great, hope your life is going well.

I was pregnant with my second child and posted about it online, but noticed she hadn't said anything. This is my once-best-friend, need I remind you. I thought maybe she just didn't see it. Tried to make arrangements to see her in person once or twice to tell her about the upcoming new human, but she predictably flaked.

So I texted her to tell her there was a new baby on the way for me, and its name and due date.

She responded by saying she has no interest in continuing our friendship. My literal last text said "Okay. If there is something in particular that has caused this, I am willing to hear it." No reply.

I just wish I knew WHAT! Was it over the flake comment? Politics? Religion? Big life events that pulled us apart? I didn't like her favorite movie? What????!?

Being friend fizzled is normal and I was accepting of it from her. Being friend dumped is petty, spiteful and mean.

Are you sure you haven't just been influenced by a mumsnet thread/trend?

Me too.

It sounds like a tit for tat situation to me, as if you had been waiting for a chance to do it.
She wasn’t available at the last minute when you had planned a visit to see her so you decided to do your own last minute double whammy response of no I’m not available and here’s why I won’t be in contact with you ever again.
I find it very harsh and nothing at all to celebrate.
Whereas you clearly see it as a triumphant win for yourself, my feeling is that you may have cut off your nose to spite your face.
No wonder she’s upset. It was so unnecessary.

I think it was unnecessary. Friendships often do ebb and flow but it doesn't mean they can't add value to your life. If she was knocking your door down every day and you've had enough of her , then fair enough but she lives 3 hours away and you rarely have anything to do with each other. She's already not really part of your life. I'd have just said I was busy on this occasion to spare her feelings.

At least you've told her, she knows it's over and why. My best friend has been acting strange with me for the past few months, and is now ghosting me. It's very hurtful and confusing because I don't really know why. So in my eyes, you've absolutely done the right thing.

I agree.

It was just completely unnecessary, IMO.

I don't think you've come out of this well, but if you're comfortable with your choices then it's your call. I think it's a shame to cut someone off because they couldn't host you twice.

You have tried to visit friend a couple of times and she's put you off, so I get why you feel a bit fed up. I might have just in turn put her off, and let the friendship fade away, but either way, you feel the friendship is over.

Same same

Neither of you are "wrong" -some people are happy with friendships being meeting up once or twice a year with very minimal contact in between and others like me, and you- I suspect, find it difficult to keep a friendship bond with someone you have rare and inconsistent contact with. Both are ok but it depends entirely on what works for YOU. This clearly isnt working for you and thats fine to be honest about it.

For me, seeing someone that rarely doesnt feel like a friendship, it feels like an acquaintance. That doesnt mean I expect contact all the time as we are all busy, but its hard to feel close or connected to someone when you hardly see them and they arent in contact.

There is no need to feel guilty or weird about it- this friendship simply isnt working for you on the terms that it currently is. Nothing wrong with that at all. Let it go and spend your time on people who you do feel offer you a friendship that you're comfortable with.

I think it’s an odd thing to have done. Friendships can be cyclical.

Was it over the flake comment?

Probably. Or rather that comment was the one that confirmed you had higher expectations, of the friendship, than she was prepared to meet. You didn't leave her any choice but to be blunt/to the point.

Agree with this.

Cancelling your visits last minute because her ‘plans changed’ ffs is unfriendly and rude and hurtful. It’s not the infrequent meetings that was the problem.

If she can't be bothered until she wants to make contact then why should you jump for her.

It seems stressful and not worth it to you so you did what you felt right. No more being messed about.

If you have no regrets then good for you.

I’m in the good friends stay regardless of time and distance camp, some friendships drift and there doesn’t have to be a particular reason but friendships with conditions of frequency of contact etc are not actual friendships they’re more like a work contract.

One of my friends has a friend that she hasn’t seen for years, she still stresses about it, wondering what she did wrong. I just don’t understand that level of angst, the friendship just drifted, it was nice while it was there but you’re now no longer in that place.

OP what you did seems unnecessarily unkind, and I expect that she came around anyway to check on your mental health if this is out of character.

Same. I have friends I was very close to but may never see again because they live abroad and have no ties to this country. They still my friends!

Friendships evolve, people pass in and out of your life. No need to issue ultimatums and create drama.

I dont agree that fading someone out is the kindest option at all. You only have to google "my friend ghosted me" to find loads of people confused and upset as to why their friend has distanced themselves from them wondering what they did wrong, what they said, if they were a "bad" friend etc. People can eat themselves up wondering and worrying about it. Far better to just be honest about it.

The advice is always to talk to their friend and kindly ask them if everything is ok. I've seen lots of posts about it on here! So I dont agree that fading out is always the kinder option. It really isnt.

The responses on here are interesting. I've read onnother threads, the stanc being if the friend was being a flake then not to waste any further time. I suppose it's good to read another take.

Personally I'd prefer to be told. Someone once did a slow fade on me and I knew some thing was wrong but I did not get the memo at all.

I asked my ex friend what was going on and did she still want our friendship (I was young and undiagnosed neurodiverse) she was very blunt and what she said she was upset about was completely untrue and she'd not even bothered to talk to me to find out if it was. Anyway the ghosting/ fade hurt more than the email as I was so confused, I didn't know what was going on.

Equally I have ended 2 friendships because there were reasons why I had to say so. One situation forced it and one asked why after flaking on me too many times and changing how she was in our friendship in a very unkind way. I won't go further into them but I truly value my friendships and unfortunately these two were causing me more harm than good so I did let them go.

Some people think slow fades are better and some don't. I think if you know your friendship then sometimes things are warranted people don't agree with.

For those of you who prefer a slow fade, if it's done to you do you realise straight away? When do you stop responding to them?

I do feel sad that you couldn't accept the friendship had changed without calling an end to it.

If it was inconvenient I would have declined the visit but if I was free I would have enjoyed a catch up.

Such a shame that you appear to have punished a friend and then posted here on social media !

i think this depends on the situation if she kept cancelling on you but expects you to be around at her request that’s quite one sided. If you feel uncomfortable when together because of various comments and behaviour then she isn’t your friend. I did a slow fade for this reason. Unintentionally tbh I just slowly realised friends don’t behave a certain way. I think you were brave with your honesty op.

I think you held a grudge as she put you off from visiting a few times and this is your revenge. Not 'brave' at all. If you were real friends you would have raised the issue with her.

Yeah it strikes me there isn't a right way of doing this. Whether you're honest or attempt to fizzle a friendship out it's going to hurt the person on the other end.

And whilst I agree with not needing to see friends loads - my friendships are definitely like that - there's a difference if someone keeps cancelling on you. My closest friend lives just down the road but we only see each other every few months. We're both very happy with that but when one of us makes arrangements we stick to them and when we meet up we always have loads to say and plenty in common. I'm not sure either of us would bother if the other kept cancelling and when we were together we didn't enjoy each other's company...

But why need to fade out at all? This friendship was there in the background, the odd message and meet up. The op didnt need to instigate going to see the friend anymore (after the cancellations) but why not continue with the contact they do have and either accept the visit for a catch up, or continue as it is?

I suppose what I'm trying to put across and maybe wording very badly is, to me it doesnt need to be a complete ghost (which is awful) or a conversation about how I no longer think we have anything in common and don't want you to bother contacting me again... I'm happy to have the friends (probably acquaintances) who send the odd message and maybe pop in for a coffee once a year and we catch up.

I just dont think friendship needs to have a big ending, it can just tick along and not be as close or regular as it once was but still be there.