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Original poster

Dreading telling DH about holiday with parents

238 replies

Neverwasaraisingirl · 24/03/2025 06:40

Last summer we were really hard up and my parents kindly booked a cottage in a nearby coastal area for them, me, DH and our two children (6 and 2). I was a bit nervous about telling DH of our plans as he doesn’t always get on brilliantly with my parents. His own parents are very hands off, while mine live close and help us a lot with childcare, let us stay there when our boiler broke, give lifts, generally always willing to lend a hand. He was okay with the holiday last year - mostly because we had no way of paying for our own holiday and he was so busy with some last minute freelance work that came in he only came for the first and last bit (it was a week-long holiday, he came for 2 nights at the start and then went home and returned for the end) He was sad to leave us when he went home.

Now fast forward to this year. My mum wanted to do the same thing again, different location, but still close to home. We discussed it around Christmas time and she wanted to get on and book somewhere. She did it and I thought I’d tell DH soon… but somehow I haven’t got round to it yet. He has a job now and is making decent money again. My parents would expect us to pay as we’re still getting back on our feet after last year and we might want to book our own holiday - not that we have done this yet. DH is not very happy in his new job and is dealing with the business he tried to set up not working out, which I get is hard. So basically now I’m in a stupid situation of my own making. I chickened out of telling him back when my mum booked it and now it’s getting on for time and I really need to tell him and I just can’t think how to do it where he won’t be annoyed I’ve left it this long. Obviously I’m concerned he won’t want to go in the first place. If I’m really honest with myself I think that’s why I didn’t tell him back at the start - I didn’t want to hear how he doesn’t want to go and then have to find a way to say that to my mum. I know that was wrong as he he is allowed to not want to go. But what do I do now?!!!

OP posts:
Togglebullets · 24/03/2025 06:46

Yeah that's really not on. You need to tell him asap. I wouldn't expect him to go though. Can't he just stay home given that you've not even discussed it with him?

BoilingHotand50something · 24/03/2025 06:46

You sound very frightened of your DH. That isn’t normal. I think you need to take a long hard look at a relationship where you don’t chat with your partner about things like this.

DenholmElliot11 · 24/03/2025 06:46

Pick a quiet evening one day this week when you’ve had a fairly ok day and the kids are in bed and break it to him then.

throughoutvthe course of a 15-20 year long term relationship there are going to be occasions where we need to have difficult conversations with our loved ones. This is one of those times. They’ll be others through the years so it’ll be good practice.

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Families
DustyLee123 · 24/03/2025 06:47

Just say you and the kids are going, and you’d like it if he came for some of it.
Are you often scared to tell him stuff?

BansheeOfTheSouth · 24/03/2025 06:49

Has he already got the time booked as annual leave? If he hasn't, he may not even be able to go. Tell him or cancel the holiday.

Hazel665 · 24/03/2025 06:50

Just tell him but don't expect him to come. Take the pressure off him. You go with the kids, he doesn't need to.

Cursory · 24/03/2025 06:51

Frankly, I think booking a holiday behind his back with your parents who he doesn’t get on that well with, and who already spend a lot of time with you, is out of order. I’d be pretty pissed off too if I was him.

Crocmush · 24/03/2025 06:51

Phrase it as you and the kids going - with him welcome to come but not having to.

TwentyTwentyFive · 24/03/2025 06:52

He's allowed to not want to go and given he's having it sprung on him then I suspect he will probably choose to stay at home.

To be honest though if it's in the summer and he doesn't yet know it's very unlikely he will be able to now book leave, so even if you tell him tomorrow it's entirely possible he won't be able to go.

FortyElephants · 24/03/2025 06:53

Your parents would or wouldn't expect you to pay?

You absolutely shouldn't have committed him to any kind of holiday without his knowledge especially one with your family. Tell him asap.

ZekeZeke · 24/03/2025 06:55

If roles were reversed and DH did that I’d be fuming.

Original poster
Neverwasaraisingirl · 24/03/2025 06:56

DustyLee123 · 24/03/2025 06:47

Just say you and the kids are going, and you’d like it if he came for some of it.
Are you often scared to tell him stuff?

Edited

Only stuff with regards to my parents. There is some tension there. He thinks they’re full on and opinionated. They think he’s stand offish and uninterested in them. Sometimes it’s okay - last summer was fine. But this year things seem a bit tense the last few months and this is what has stopped me telling him. I’m often feeling very torn between him and my parents (my mum more than my dad) - DH and my mum are both strong personalities and I can see both sides. Sometimes my parents are a bit over familiar and are ‘sayers’ - they don’t tend to keep things to themselves, but at the same time they are also doing a lot for us and we completely rely on them for free childcare, so I suppose makes them feel entitled to express opinions. They are actually fairly careful with what they say around DH - they’re much more forthright with me! But he still picks up on it - not like his mum who says things like ‘it’s not my place to say something’. That would be an alien concept to my parents! They do mean well but I do also see why he finds it a bit much, particularly when his mum is so seemingly laid back and un-opinionated.

OP posts:
TwentyTwentyFive · 24/03/2025 06:59

I think given your update it's pretty obvious why your DH doesn't get on with them, they don't sound like very pleasant people and you're making a lot of excuses for their behaviour.

If I were you DH I would be very unimpressed that you were unilaterally making plans.

Blinkingmarvellous · 24/03/2025 07:00

I think this doesn't need to be a drama. You want to go, he probably won't but a few days home alone without the kids sounds pretty blissful. Especially if things have been stressful for him a few days at home alone might be helpful.

CoffeeAndCakeLover · 24/03/2025 07:02

I'd be concerned that my partner hadn't wanted to tell me something like that. It suggests a level of doubt in your partner's reaction.

OP I don't understand why he'd be annoyed about it? Unless it eats into your family time by using up money or annual leave.

I'd phrase it like "my parents want us to join them for their holiday again, like last year. They're going on x date. Do you think you'll be able to make it or shall we do what we did last year?"

howshouldibehave · 24/03/2025 07:03

My parents would expect us to pay

If that's not a typo, then he's well within his rights to be pissed off.

Daisydiary · 24/03/2025 07:04

Your DH sounds awful and like he’s trying to alienate you from your parents. Go on the holiday!

PlasticBags · 24/03/2025 07:05

CoffeeAndCakeLover · 24/03/2025 07:02

I'd be concerned that my partner hadn't wanted to tell me something like that. It suggests a level of doubt in your partner's reaction.

OP I don't understand why he'd be annoyed about it? Unless it eats into your family time by using up money or annual leave.

I'd phrase it like "my parents want us to join them for their holiday again, like last year. They're going on x date. Do you think you'll be able to make it or shall we do what we did last year?"

I think the issue is that the OP and her DH will be paying for a holiday the OP booked without consulting her DH, with people whose company he doesn’t enjoy.

WhatNoRaisins · 24/03/2025 07:06

Are you scared of your partner OP?

I think it's really odd to plan a holiday behind another adults back. I'd understand him reacting badly as it's such an odd thing to do.

UpsideDownChairs · 24/03/2025 07:06

So he wants them to do things (massive things like all the childcare) for him but not to talk to him? He wants them to help out, but not think that makes you all friends?

Sorry, but that's not on. It's not fair for it to be entirely one-way. They put themselves out, it's not beyond fairness for you to put yourselves out by going on holiday with them (sounds terrible for you and the kids, spending a week with loved grandparents) - he doesn't have to come.

And I might add, my ex did his level best to separate me from my family too - although we didn't live close so I didn't even see them often, but he would complain every time.

CoffeeAndCakeLover · 24/03/2025 07:06

PlasticBags · 24/03/2025 07:05

I think the issue is that the OP and her DH will be paying for a holiday the OP booked without consulting her DH, with people whose company he doesn’t enjoy.

Show quote history

Yeah I wasn't sure whether that was a typo and the parents WOULDN'T expect her to pay. If it's a chunk of money that will impact them as a family then I can see why it would be more difficult.

BansheeOfTheSouth · 24/03/2025 07:07

Daisydiary · 24/03/2025 07:04

Your DH sounds awful and like he’s trying to alienate you from your parents. Go on the holiday!

How is he horrible? He doesn't get on with @Neverwasaraisingirl 's parents and would rather not go on holiday with rude people.

TwentyTwentyFive · 24/03/2025 07:09

Daisydiary · 24/03/2025 07:04

Your DH sounds awful and like he’s trying to alienate you from your parents. Go on the holiday!

I feel like we're reading very different threads. The ops parents sound very controlling, forthright and opinionated. I tend to find those who are described as sayers who don't keep their opinions to themselves are actually just rude people with no boundaries to be honest.

He's entitled to not want to spend significant amounts of time with them, that's not unusual when dealing with people like the OP describes her parents.

EMary12345 · 24/03/2025 07:09

I'm not big fans of my in laws and would've been severely pissed off if oh had ever done this and expected me to holiday with people I don't get on with. If they are paying then I'd say that it's for you and the kids and then book somewhere else as a family.

Suggestaname · 24/03/2025 07:10

Cursory · 24/03/2025 06:51

Frankly, I think booking a holiday behind his back with your parents who he doesn’t get on that well with, and who already spend a lot of time with you, is out of order. I’d be pretty pissed off too if I was him.

This. If DH arranged and booked a big family holiday for me and DC with my ILs (who are a lot) without discussing it as a couple first, I’d be really annoyed, especially having limited annual leave and presumably therefore limited time to spend together as a nuclear family unit. But my ILs do have form for muscling in on our family/couple time (e.g. turning up on holidays) and are very much all in each others’ pockets, which I find a bit much.

Of course if there’s more to it and you’re scared of your H’s reactions for other reasons, then probably YANBU. Do you feel more supported by your parents than by your DH?