Dreading telling DH about holiday with parents

[Neverwasaraisingirl]

Last summer we were really hard up and my parents kindly booked a cottage in a nearby coastal area for them, me, DH and our two children (6 and 2). I was a bit nervous about telling DH of our plans as he doesn’t always get on brilliantly with my parents. His own parents are very hands off, while mine live close and help us a lot with childcare, let us stay there when our boiler broke, give lifts, generally always willing to lend a hand. He was okay with the holiday last year - mostly because we had no way of paying for our own holiday and he was so busy with some last minute freelance work that came in he only came for the first and last bit (it was a week-long holiday, he came for 2 nights at the start and then went home and returned for the end) He was sad to leave us when he went home.

Now fast forward to this year. My mum wanted to do the same thing again, different location, but still close to home. We discussed it around Christmas time and she wanted to get on and book somewhere. She did it and I thought I’d tell DH soon… but somehow I haven’t got round to it yet. He has a job now and is making decent money again. My parents would expect us to pay as we’re still getting back on our feet after last year and we might want to book our own holiday - not that we have done this yet. DH is not very happy in his new job and is dealing with the business he tried to set up not working out, which I get is hard. So basically now I’m in a stupid situation of my own making. I chickened out of telling him back when my mum booked it and now it’s getting on for time and I really need to tell him and I just can’t think how to do it where he won’t be annoyed I’ve left it this long. Obviously I’m concerned he won’t want to go in the first place. If I’m really honest with myself I think that’s why I didn’t tell him back at the start - I didn’t want to hear how he doesn’t want to go and then have to find a way to say that to my mum. I know that was wrong as he he is allowed to not want to go. But what do I do now?!!!

I think just don't expect him to go, he wasn't given a choice and going on holiday with overstepping opinionated in laws sounds like hell!

Tbh he sounds like a bit of a dick! Hes happy to accept their help when it suits him but doesnt get on with them otherwise. You sound scared of him, just tell him you and the kids are going and he’s welcome to join you if he wants to.

So much to unpick here. I find it really odd that your mum's just booking holidays for your family without checking you're both happy to do it. Or are you telling her that you both want to do it? It's really unfair on your DH to book a family holiday without even telling him, let alone asking if he wants to. I go on holiday with my in-laws every year, but my DH would never dream of booking it without checking with me.
At the same time, you sound scared of your DH. What's going on?

He's happy to take an awful lot from these people he doesn't like though, isn't he?

I was going to say YANBU, but after your last update I can see why your husband wouldn’t want to go on holidays with your parents. I think you made a mistake by waiting so long to tell him.

Tell him asap, but don’t expect him to come with you.

Honestly, I would be pretty upset if my DH booked holidays with his parents without telling me. Especially if the relationship was tense already.

Can you give some examples of your parents being “opinionated and sayers”?

Not necessarily. The GPs probably think that OP and her family enjoys spending time with them since they use them for childcare, chose to live with them when their boiler broke and last years holiday was nice. They have no reason to believe that it's not jointly beneficial for them to go away together since OP and her DH keeps accepting all the favours. If they want to create distance then they need to start on their own two feet, but I think it would be a shame for OP as her husband sounds very prickly and her and her kids having a close relationship to the GPs might come in handy in the future.

Parents paying are a game changer - just time it right when you tell him op and let him sulk if he needs to.
I have had mum vs husband before and it is a horrible position to be in.

From bitter experience I can tell you that parents who provide free childcare and then feel that this entitles them to a ‘say’ never have good relationships with in laws.

Your DH sounds unreasonable but I suspect that you know your parents are overstepping , and that is why you don’t want to address this with him.

We paid my mother like a childminder and she was wonderful (it wasn’t free as she needed the money)
As great as she was, I wouldn’t do it again, the level of involvement and general entitlement was such that it generated a lot of tension.

I would have this as a trip with just your parents and the kids and if your DH wants to come he is more than welcome but I wouldn’t expect it

That’s nowhere near as bad then! Just say to him that your parents are treating you all to a holiday again and does he want to come or do your own thing or do both? Presumably you want a holiday? And haven’t organised anything just for you and him and the kids? He might be happy of a free holiday. And if he isn’t you can tell your parents he can’t get the time off work and just you and the kids will go, and thank you to them.

But I don’t see why you can’t do the holiday with them and have your own holiday.

Say that your parents have offered a holiday, you’d like to go, he’s invited too of course but you understand if he doesn’t want to go.

As soon as your mum suggested booking another holiday together, you should have said "OK, let me check with DH and get back to you." I simply can't imagine any scenario where my mum or MIL was going to book a holiday for us all and we didn't check with the other one.
We'd need to check dates, whether would get time offwork and most importantly whether our spouse wanted to do another holiday with the in-laws.
To just let her book something as big as a family holiday without asking DH, is astounding.

Surely the solution is that you go away with your parents without him.
He can join for a day or two if he wants to.

Overstep how?

I don’t think parents having opinions is particularly rude/bad it’s a pretty normal part of parenting. Especially if they are just having an honest frank open conversation with their child. Rather than their IL.

his mother didn’t sound like she doesn’t have opinions she just tell someone else.

clearly you need to tell your mum to keep them between you two rather than include him. Maybe ask him mum for some more childcare support so you can spread the load

Why doesn't he just do like last year. Come for the weekend but not use a full week of leave for it? Just present it as we are booked, you are welcome for week but might want to do shorter.

I often go away with my mum without DH. And he often gets his holiday gatecrashed but we live hundreds of miles away and he knows it's important for me to get time with my family.

Logistically it's easier with just me and kids as we can all fit in one car if we want to go places.

You have done a really shitty thing OP
You have agreed to a holiday with people your DH doesn't want to spend time with and that you both will have to pay for, its really not on.
Even if he liked them and it were free you should have spoken to him before agreeing to it
You need to speak to him and if he doesn't want to go you should ask if he minds if you go without him (assuming funds come from joint money)

it is free, OP has clarified that. It was just a typo.

If he has only recently started the new job he might not get the week anyway. This could be the way out, he can’t get the time, you don’t want to go without him/ pay for a holiday without him.

Bite the bullet, maybe the holiday can be cancelled without too much loss.

Families come with all kinds of different attitudes. Some like to holiday together, others don't. Op parents have done what many parents would do ,seen that their daughter and her family are struggling somewhat and offered up a holiday. The fact that their daughter is too scared to tell her husband is strange.and rather worrying .

Why you’re so scared of your husband? does he kick off? or what’s the “ chicken out” bit about? just tell him and see if he wants to go or not, it’s not rocket science

I'm glad I started reading this forum; it really give an insight into why so many relationships fail these days.

Your parents' job is done. You have a new family and now, and they are not it. Get your priorities straight. If you're not prepared to put partner and kids before your parents, now and always, stay living at home and stay single.

I get myself in pickles like this! Pick a time where you’re both relaxed, not rushing about and tired. Perhaps on a dog walk or over a drink. At the end of the day if he doesn’t want to go that is fine - you can still go with the children.

If my DH had committed to a holiday with his family without discussion with me, I would have been livid.

Being expected to spend precious AL doing something which will likely lead to tension rather than relaxation is not on.

I think your best course, as pp have suggested, is to say you will go with the dc and he can join as he wishes, or not.

Don’t put the blame on your parents, which will further inflame his dislike for their behaviour. This one is on you.

You sound like you're being squeezed in the middle of trying not to upset your parents or your DH, meanwhile what do you want?

You didn't tell him because you knew what his reaction would be. You didn't say to your mum to hang fire with the booking, because you knew what her reaction would be. You can only stick your head in the sand and avoid conflict for so long, at some point it will bite you on the arse.

If it was me, I'd tell my parents that DH didn't want to come or fund the holiday, and you would come with the kids but the finance would be tricky. Any chance you and the kids can have it for Birthdays/Christmas prezzies? Then tell your DH that you and the kids are going away for a week with your parents.

And learn to speak up for what you want and have some boundaries.

its not all or nothing though is it? There’s room for both. We know nothing about their relationship and can’t judge from one paragraph.

What a strange attitude. Do your parents cease to be family when you marry?