Dreading telling DH about holiday with parents

[Neverwasaraisingirl]

Last summer we were really hard up and my parents kindly booked a cottage in a nearby coastal area for them, me, DH and our two children (6 and 2). I was a bit nervous about telling DH of our plans as he doesn’t always get on brilliantly with my parents. His own parents are very hands off, while mine live close and help us a lot with childcare, let us stay there when our boiler broke, give lifts, generally always willing to lend a hand. He was okay with the holiday last year - mostly because we had no way of paying for our own holiday and he was so busy with some last minute freelance work that came in he only came for the first and last bit (it was a week-long holiday, he came for 2 nights at the start and then went home and returned for the end) He was sad to leave us when he went home.

Now fast forward to this year. My mum wanted to do the same thing again, different location, but still close to home. We discussed it around Christmas time and she wanted to get on and book somewhere. She did it and I thought I’d tell DH soon… but somehow I haven’t got round to it yet. He has a job now and is making decent money again. My parents would expect us to pay as we’re still getting back on our feet after last year and we might want to book our own holiday - not that we have done this yet. DH is not very happy in his new job and is dealing with the business he tried to set up not working out, which I get is hard. So basically now I’m in a stupid situation of my own making. I chickened out of telling him back when my mum booked it and now it’s getting on for time and I really need to tell him and I just can’t think how to do it where he won’t be annoyed I’ve left it this long. Obviously I’m concerned he won’t want to go in the first place. If I’m really honest with myself I think that’s why I didn’t tell him back at the start - I didn’t want to hear how he doesn’t want to go and then have to find a way to say that to my mum. I know that was wrong as he he is allowed to not want to go. But what do I do now?!!!

You need to be really careful that you’re not starting to push your husband out of his own family. Your parents might be ‘helpful’ but also they seem pushy to me. Did it not occur to any of you to ask your husband about the holiday at the time? Is it just the ‘mum, kids and grandparents’ show and he’s an observer?

Just say the holiday is for the kids and stop pretending it’s for the family. He’s part of the family, but no one even thought of him, did they?

I can't get past the fact that you and your mum discussed it, but you didn't mention it to your husband, and then she just went ahead and booked Leaving aside how he does or doesn't get on with them, this is really weird.
I think all you can do now is tell him somewhat apologetically, and see what he says.

It's nothing to do with "trad wife stuff", unless you think it has always been fine for a husband to arrange as many holidays as he likes by himself without discussing it with his wife first. That has never been fine and is not fine now, so neither is this.

Have not read full thread but is there an element here that you agree with your DH but need the childcare, financial and practical help from your parent to rock the boat and challenge them on their behaviour?

You need to tell him asap but no need to make a drama out of it as someone said up thread. Just say that as last year's holiday went well your parents have generously booked and are paying for another cottage this year. We don't have much money and it will have wonderful for the kids. With all the help they give us it will be nice for them to have some quality time with the kids. I will enjoy it and I hope you are happy to go. Don't worry if you don't want to or if you only want to go for a weekend. I'll tell them you can't get the annual leave in your new job and they will understand that.
Op could you use the cottage holiday as away of later getting some alone time away with DH. Maybe ask them if they will have the kids for a few days, even a week later so you get some quality time of your own. If your DPs agree to that you can sell the cottage break as a great opportunity for a couple break. The kids will already have had a fun break, we are still a bit short of money and it will be both fun and cheaper for us to have a couple break. If you can sell the cottage holiday this way he hopefully would be more up for it.
I don't really think you should have to as there's nothing wrong in you wanting a family break with parents who you love and help out a lot. Nothing wrong in him not fancying it either. Idea above might help with a compromise in getting him to participate cheerfully for some of it.
Next time ( if there is one) just tell him and give him the choice about going or not 💐

I agree its not as a standalone thing but I believe in her update the OP did say the grandparents do a lot of childcare so feel entitled to their opinions and are over familiar. It may not be the case here but I do see where GP's are relied upon and then see it that they have a big say in the family life. But like I say I could be wrong.

I do agree you should have discussed this a lot earlier, and you owe your DH an apology.

But I don't think it's a huge huge deal, unless it uses up all of your leave and means you'd be unable to go on an additional holiday with him later. He doesn't have to go on this one, and you aren't paying, so it needn't affect him that much.

It was just a little inconsiderate of you not to have mentioned it around the time it was booked, because he might have wanted to go, in which case he needed enough warning to plan for it. And it feels weird not to have mentioned it.

I imagine a holiday is the last thing on the husband's mind right now.

Would they mind terribly if Dh didn’t go? Does it involve flights that are non-refundable? Can you say DH is sick at the time? Or too busy with new job?

Do you want to go on holiday with your parents @Neverwasaraisingirl ?

If your in-laws were forthright, would you want to go on holiday with them, have to spend a lot of time with them @Neverwasaraisingirl

How is your DM with your children?

I would be super pissed if my dh did this to me. Why can't you let your parents down instead of removing a chosen family holiday from him and your kids?

If your parents are paying then it really isn’t a big issue, just say you are going with the kids, would he like to go too? It might be for annual leave reasons he just can’t

as long as he’s not expected to pay for it I don’t see this as a big drama

But annual leave constraints might impact on their family holiday.

I think some people aren’t reading OPs posts again.

She said they’re not paying, it was a typo.

No way would I have agreed to going away with my parents without my DH being involved in the decision, whether or not they got on. Also, towards Xmas it can be hard for some people to get time off work and bearing in mind he hasn't been in the job that long he won't have first dibs on days that are allowed off.

I think you'll have to word it that you'd like to go away with them this year, you'd love him to join you if he can, but if not you'd like to go and you will pay (not him) for your share of accommodation/expenses.

Ive sort of been the DH in this situation. My ILs were very opinionated and saw me as aloof and disinterested. Actually I was trying to distance my self from their behaviours which I found difficult to manage. But of course I accepted they needed a relationship with their son and grandkids so I managed my dealings with them carefully

However, if my DH had done what you have done OP I would be so hurt. It’s like you have decided (through weakness) that only you have the say over your family holidays, despite knowing your DH wont be that keen.

And presenting it as ‘Oh my parents have invited us..you can come if you want” isn’t much better. First of all, its not the truth and also it still makes him sound like an afterthought.

This is a mess of your own making. Tell him you have messed up and apologise.

Why try and make it so binary? Exactly my reaction on reading your previous post at 08:25.

AthWat · Today 08:25
I'm glad I started reading this forum; it really give an insight into why so many relationships fail these days.
Your parents' job is done. You have a new family and now, and they are not it. Get your priorities straight. If you're not prepared to put partner and kids before your parents, now and always, stay living at home and stay single.

How would you feel if your DH had arranged a holiday with the in laws without even telling you?

I may be projecting because my inlaws are controlling people with money, but what does paying for the holiday actually mean? If they are just paying for flights and accomodation that is often the cheap bit, it's the spending money, food & drink, days out etc that costs the most. Especially if you are then covering your parents meals etc because they 'paid for the holiday'. Do you get much of a say in what you do on the holiday or do your parents dictate? If you go on this holiday (even if it is just you and the kids) can you then afford, both in money and time to go away as a family later in the year?

If you want to stay married to your husband you need to sort out the communication. It's not acceptavle to agree to a big expense or big use of annual leave without discussing it with your spouse. It sounds like your DH is a passenger in all of you and your side of the family's arrangements.

This is what I can't get past as well. Putting aside the personality clashes and the likes and dislikes of everyone involved, I can't imagine a scenario where I don't say "let me check that with my partner".

Given that occurred when OP was talking to her mum, it makes me think that the person she's really scared of saying no to is her mum, not her husband. That or she's extraordinarily wet.

Yeah, she should have spoken with him first. It is unclear if she has to use annual leave for this. If she does then yeah, good to agree as a family how to use it. It sounds like grandparents are active in children's lives so can't imagine husband objecting the children being with grandparents. But otherwise I'm not sure booking to go somewhere with your parents and children and letting husband have the option to stay home is the worst advice imaginable.

Your parents seem like they are comfortable communicating with you. You don't have to guess how they feel about an issue.

You need to, as adults, remember that you don't have to think the same to have respect for one another.

Can you divide the house up a little more privately this time? Speak with your mother about engineering some private space for you and DH.

It's fair that you go along; your parents are not just free baby sitters.

Announce the holiday plans to DH.
The option for you to let the children go for a few days might be nice. DH and you can join in for as much as you can.

Rememeber to discuss fully with your parents whether or not to book another shared holiday next year, now that your financial circumstances have improved.

The worst advice imaginable is just up and saying "this is done and there's nothing you can do about it".

Far better is to introduce it and offer not to go if that's what he wants and he offers good reasons why. Otherwise you're presenting it as "I can let my parents down or let you down and to me that's not a choice; I'm letting you down"

This^
so I think you should start from saying sorry that you didn’t discuss this with him at the very beginning. In our house I would tell parents thank you for the offer but I needed to think about it and discuss with DH so it’s a red flag to me that you didn’t.
I think you shouldn’t press him to come, just say that you and kids would love him to come. Also focus on positives of this holiday for kids: it’s free, they will enjoy it and have time with grandparents etc etc
Maybe your parents can babysit and Dh and you will be able to have some free time?
But again reiterate that it’s wrong that you didnt discuss plans with him in advance, promise not to do it again and stick to your promise.

I also said "put partner and kids before your parents", not "cut your parents off".