Dreading telling DH about holiday with parents

[Neverwasaraisingirl]

Last summer we were really hard up and my parents kindly booked a cottage in a nearby coastal area for them, me, DH and our two children (6 and 2). I was a bit nervous about telling DH of our plans as he doesn’t always get on brilliantly with my parents. His own parents are very hands off, while mine live close and help us a lot with childcare, let us stay there when our boiler broke, give lifts, generally always willing to lend a hand. He was okay with the holiday last year - mostly because we had no way of paying for our own holiday and he was so busy with some last minute freelance work that came in he only came for the first and last bit (it was a week-long holiday, he came for 2 nights at the start and then went home and returned for the end) He was sad to leave us when he went home.

Now fast forward to this year. My mum wanted to do the same thing again, different location, but still close to home. We discussed it around Christmas time and she wanted to get on and book somewhere. She did it and I thought I’d tell DH soon… but somehow I haven’t got round to it yet. He has a job now and is making decent money again. My parents would expect us to pay as we’re still getting back on our feet after last year and we might want to book our own holiday - not that we have done this yet. DH is not very happy in his new job and is dealing with the business he tried to set up not working out, which I get is hard. So basically now I’m in a stupid situation of my own making. I chickened out of telling him back when my mum booked it and now it’s getting on for time and I really need to tell him and I just can’t think how to do it where he won’t be annoyed I’ve left it this long. Obviously I’m concerned he won’t want to go in the first place. If I’m really honest with myself I think that’s why I didn’t tell him back at the start - I didn’t want to hear how he doesn’t want to go and then have to find a way to say that to my mum. I know that was wrong as he he is allowed to not want to go. But what do I do now?!!!

I think your DH sounds a bit of an arse: ok so his own family aren’t as close as yours, but presumably he met your parents and knew you were a closer family when you got married. Now you are properly melted together with kids etc he is reluctant to join in with what I would say are quite normal family activities, and lovely for your children. Imo good family relationships are healthy and normal and a great influence on children growing up. You aren’t obliged to mirror his family patterns over your own.

Swveral things -
can you go without him?
can you clarify with your mum how much money she wants for the trip and start with that?
explain to him how important it is and what a lovely thing it is to have grandparents’ and enjoy some of life together.
what’s the actual issue with him/your parents?

lots of luck x

Agree.

Could you say something like your parents have told you they have booked a holiday and it was a set price regardless of how many people go and they have just asked if we would like to go with them. Act as though they have just invited you along?

Or would your parents say something about you knowing for a while or want him to thank them for paying to add you guys on ?

Only other way I can think you could say it is act as though they have just asked you and are about to book but then that’s a risk if he says no but might not be an issue if he won’t mind you and the kids going without him ?

It is very much is ruling the roost. People who are reliant on GP support often can’t see that though.

I’d be appalled to have our family holiday plans dictated by GP. It’s no way to live.

Thankfully the dynamic in my family is very different. The prospect of going on holiday with extended family is literally never considered.

You shouldn’t dread telling your h anything. That’s the sign of an unhealthy relationship.

Sounds like your h is happy to benefit from your parents being lovely - childcare, gifts, staying at theirs in an emergency - but resents them? Maybe because they have more money than he does?

Tell him, but don’t expect him to come. Then have a good think about why you’re so scared to talk to him about things. Do you feel the same about other stuff too?

I’d just take the kids and he can come along if he wants to - my DH would have been thrilled to have a week of peace when ours were little!

Ps) @Neverwasaraisingirl my parents/family are v similar to yours. Lots of joining in all together required. Lots of support offered. DH family very distant, parents divorced, not much contact etc. What’s the point of life if it’s not to enjoy family really.. it’s a massive positive and advantage to your kids and the whole point of life from a biological pov is to ‘carry on family’ so I find it super weird and tbh I think it’s dysfunctional in society when people are so closed off to their own (extended) family… I think you’ve received a lot of negative posts here but I actually think yes your parents’ could tone it down, but equally & more importantly imo your DH needs to be more tolerant and bend to them. You definitely shouldn’t be worried about straddling the gap between them. Does your DH do anything with your dad? Have any kind of singular relationship with them or is it all through you? What’s the point of him getting married/having kids etc if he doesn’t want to be a part of a family/your family culture.. maybe it’s not as bad as that but I’d be trying to understand why he finds them so hard to tolerate and why he can’t just relax over this issue and let them get on with it, understand it’s obviously very very important to them to be in your lives. x

I can see a lot of the points raised by others - the annual leave situation providing a possible get out, the importance of family time as a nuclear unit versus extended family etc - but then I thought if last year was fine, why won’t this year be?
Of course the issue of waiting to tell him is another problem which maybe the OP needs to work on - is she scared of her DH’s reactions? Or is she just catastrophising? From what she says it doesn’t sound as though there’s a backstory of the DH and the DM actually having stand up blazing rows or the DH saying “I can’t stand your @&/! mother”.

That's quite sad imo. But different strokes for different folks!

You haven’t answered, are you scared of your dh?

this would be such a non issue in my relationship that I would’ve just told him straight away.

The biggest concern for me is that you’re so frightened of telling your DH, that isn’t healthy. Tell him but also expect him not to come.

OP you have a DP's problem rather than a DH problem. Do you ever say no to your DPs? I echo the previous posters, your little family should be your main focus. I also find people who say it like it is, are just generally rude and highly opinionated.

Time to put your big girl pants on and tell your DH.

I think what @EnjoythemoneyJanesays is importance. If my advice was to tell your parents that you all aren’t coming and they should cancel, how would that feel?

Have you thought about sitting down with him, at a quiet time, and explaining that you do find it really awkward to speak to him about them. It might be helpful to have an honest heart to heart. The alternative seems to me like it could be a defensive conversation, or one where you're covering up. It sounds like this is the only thing you find awkward to speak to him about, not that there are deeper problems. Is that right?

So, the conversation is. I've done this thing and I want to chat about why I have found it so hard to tell you.

I think you enable your parents to infiltrate your marriage. Free childcare is great, but at what cost?

I was waiting for someone to say “your little family”.

You’d never believe it from reading MN but some of us love your wider families as well as our “little families “ and enjoy spending time with them, including holidays.

I think the problem here is that the op is scared to tell her dh something. Anything.

You have to tell him and apologise for keeping it from him. Let him decide whether he's going or not and if not then confess to your parents that you didn't tell him about it until now but it's too late abd he can't get time off.

If my husband did what you've done, I'd hit the bloody roof.

It cone across like your loyalties lie with your parents and that's the kiss of death to a marriage.

I’m in a similar situation with family dynamics, not close to my own family but my husband is close to his. If I were your husband and I was told I had to go on holiday with my PIL then I wouldn’t be over the moon (don’t dislike them but I do find them a bit much) I’d be more miffed that I had to spend a week of my holiday allowance doing something I had no say in. I’d still go for my children’s sake. The difference is my husband could tell me without worrying about me having a meltdown.

No wonder he will be mad. You've left him out of what should be a joint decision and allowed your pushy mother to make decisions for your family. I wouldn't go if I was him.

That's really sad. We never had our holidays dictated by my parents but we went away with them for a few days every year till they were too frail and they have been some of the happiest holiday memories for all of us My DM can be tricky (almost certainly ND) and I had a difficult relationship with her as a teen but the holidays have brought us all much closer together.

Frankly he's bloody lucky that his in-laws go to such lengths to support his family with both practical and financial help - so he could try acting like an adult. The fact his wife is scared to say that her parents have booked them a free holiday is telling. In the OP's shoes I would be seriously considering why I am so frightened, going without him anyway, then considering how I might want to progress in the future - with or without him.

I can see now why your DH doesn't get on with your DPs - opinionated people who think just because they provide you with childcare that they can wade in and give their opinions on the rest of your life. Jeez! I'm with your DH on this one.

As to what you should do - you should be honest with him FFS and do it asap. You can say that you were worried about telling him, because you know he feels your parents are too involved in your lives and too opinionated (both of which appear to be true from what you've said), but you and he are married. You are supposed to be a partnership. You're not supposed to make decisions like this unilaterally. How would you like it if his parents did the same? I'm betting you wouldn't like it one bit. Your DM had no right to go ahead and book a holiday for you all without your DH knowing. She totally overstepped and you were wet for not telling her to hold off until you'd spoken to your DH about it.

Just tell him you thought you and the kids would go on holiday with your parents again this year and if he wants to he's welcome to come. If he doesn't want to then just tell your parents he's too busy with his new job and can't get the time off.

The OP didn’t imply at all that she was scared for any other reason that her husband might say ‘you’re out of order’. Classic MN that posters try and jump on the possible abuse narrative starlight away, like the husband will lose his shit and start knocking her about or shouting abuse at her.

Unless there’s more background here, I think you’re making more of this situation than necessary. My DH doesn’t get on brilliantly with my parents (different reasons but my family are not easy & there’s always some sort of drama whenever we see them). This is completely fine. Everyone’s polite when we see each other & no-one needs to be besties with their in-laws. I would never in a million years expect him to go on holiday with them though, especially not something they had paid for so they’re ultimately in control!

Tell DH about the holiday. Say you’d love him to come but you understand if he’d prefer no to. Leave it open so he can change his mind if he wants to, then tell your parents he may not be able to make it because of the new job. Prepare to go by yourself with the children then DH can decide nearer the time. No drama.