Dreading telling DH about holiday with parents

[Neverwasaraisingirl]

Last summer we were really hard up and my parents kindly booked a cottage in a nearby coastal area for them, me, DH and our two children (6 and 2). I was a bit nervous about telling DH of our plans as he doesn’t always get on brilliantly with my parents. His own parents are very hands off, while mine live close and help us a lot with childcare, let us stay there when our boiler broke, give lifts, generally always willing to lend a hand. He was okay with the holiday last year - mostly because we had no way of paying for our own holiday and he was so busy with some last minute freelance work that came in he only came for the first and last bit (it was a week-long holiday, he came for 2 nights at the start and then went home and returned for the end) He was sad to leave us when he went home.

Now fast forward to this year. My mum wanted to do the same thing again, different location, but still close to home. We discussed it around Christmas time and she wanted to get on and book somewhere. She did it and I thought I’d tell DH soon… but somehow I haven’t got round to it yet. He has a job now and is making decent money again. My parents would expect us to pay as we’re still getting back on our feet after last year and we might want to book our own holiday - not that we have done this yet. DH is not very happy in his new job and is dealing with the business he tried to set up not working out, which I get is hard. So basically now I’m in a stupid situation of my own making. I chickened out of telling him back when my mum booked it and now it’s getting on for time and I really need to tell him and I just can’t think how to do it where he won’t be annoyed I’ve left it this long. Obviously I’m concerned he won’t want to go in the first place. If I’m really honest with myself I think that’s why I didn’t tell him back at the start - I didn’t want to hear how he doesn’t want to go and then have to find a way to say that to my mum. I know that was wrong as he he is allowed to not want to go. But what do I do now?!!!

I am puzzled about this idea of "telling" him and cannot.understand why you did not discuss the proposal with him when it was first suggested and before it was even booked.

Oh yeah stupid typo - they wouldn’t expect us to pay. Last year they took us out for dinner too. They probably do overstep boundaries at times.. but they are genuinely not unpleasant people. He does get on with them fine generally, and it might all be fine. As I say the holiday last year was good - no tension or anything.

Seriously though, it’s not marriage if you collude with your parents and book major things without consulting him. They sound really overbearing. I feel sorry for him. You need to cut the cord and be a proper adult where your relationship with your own husband and family is the main one, with your parents as supporting characters. You consult and agree with him, you inform them.

I can imagine the replies if a poster posted the reverse on here

In this situation, I’d be taking a harder look at where the real tension and pressure is coming from. I get you’re squeezed between the two of them, but the person you’re most afraid to say no to is usually where the problem lies.

Given you describe your mother as ‘forthright’ it definitely sounds like you have a DM problem, not a DH problem.

Doesn’t sound like there’s much you can do other than fess up, apologise and emphasise that he doesn’t need to come. And if he’s pissed off, take it on the chin - he has every right to be, especially when you’re unilaterally spending family holiday money on one that you know he’ll hate.

You know you shouldn’t be springing a surprise holiday on him, with people he doesn’t want to go with, and that he’s also got to pay for, at any time - let alone when he’s already unhappy and stressed at work. You just need to put on your big girl pants and face up to the fallout from that.

I feel sorry for your DH.

Just seen your update. If your parents are paying, why the drama? Just tell him you’re taking the kids and let him stay at home.

Assuming it's a typo and your parents wouldn't expect you to pay, and assuming that two lots of annual leave is not an issue for you (one for this holiday and one for a family holiday with DH), then I do not see the issue.

At any time you can say casually "By the way, my mum and dad have booked a cottage for a week in the summer with the idea that I can take the kids down to see them - you're of course very welcome too, but if it's tricky with time off in your new job or you would prefer not to spend the whole week with them and just dip in for a few days, then I completely understand".

He doesn't need to know it was booked weeks ago and he doesn't need to come between you and your parents. In fact I don't see that it affects him if you go on your own with the kids, provided cost & leave factors don't do him out of getting a family holiday of his preference.

Personally I think the parents sound awful, the OP sounds enmeshed and in child mode and the pair of them need to pay for their own childcare and create some distance between them.

I would just present as an option for him to come or not. You can then arrange a separate break as a family if he wants that as well.

If my DH booked a holiday with our in-laws behind my back and kept it secret for months I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably think there's no trust in the relationship and worry about what else they might be keeping from me. It would cause serious issues in how I see them and I'm not sure I'd be able to move past it.

You've really messed up, OP. Own up to it and tell him asap.

Tell him and say you understand if he can’t get AL for that time due to his new job. That’s a great out with your DPs as well to explain DH absence.

Those of you saying OP should just tell him she and the kids are going: how would you feel if your partner announced they were taking your kids on holiday without you, without any prior discussion? Because I would be mightily pissed off.

If your parents are paying then I don’t really understand the problem?

You tell DH you are all invited, but you totally understand he might prefer not to come, or to just attend part, like he did last year.

Agreed. If the roles were reversed and he was just planning on taking the kids for a week no questions asked no one would be saying that was a good thing or a positive because the OP gets a break. They would quite rightly be pointing out it was unacceptable and controlling.

I would be really be pissed off if I was DH. I am so glad we didn't rely on either set of grandparents for childcare you see this so much where they are relied on so much to help that you can be in a situation where they almost rule the roost. I caveat this with some not all.

So they provide free childcare, free holidays and they take you out to dinner and you are scared to tell your DH that they are doing the same this year? I get that it's difficult when your partner doesn't like your parents but do you and the kids actually want to go or are you doing it out of obligation? I don't think it's quite fair to gladly accept the free childcare but opt out of spending quality time with them.

If you do want to go then you need to tell your DH that they have paid for you all to go with them, does he want to join? If not, you go with your kids and parents. It sounds like they will be very hands on with the kids so should be more than fine for you to go on your own.

I gave lots of free childcare to my son and DIL and I managed not to express opinions that would offend them. They are your parents and you love them but your DH obviously doesn't have the same emotional connection to them. I can see why he wouldn't want to go on holiday with them, particularly as he wasn't consulted and he has been presented with a fait accompli.

I'd be pissed if I were him.
I would be scared to tell my partner if I had taken the piss like that.
Come clean and work on being a team with your husband.

My DH would be really sad if I made an arrangement to go away for a week with the kids without considering him. He would be extremely annoyed if I made an arrangement for us all to go away for a week with my family. There is no way to spin this that isn't out of order.

You knew he wouldn’t want to go so you booked it and didn’t tell him. Now you’ve got to face up to it.

I would give him the option rather than expect him to attend. “Mum booked a holiday cottage again, it’s in Devon this time. I thought I’d go with the kids as they had a lovely time last year. Do you fancy coming? It’s the second week of August”?

Simple. He gets a choice.

It's hardly ruling the roost to want to have a holiday with your daughter/grandchildren!

I'm not sure what the DH has to be pissed off about? Its a holiday that he doesn't have to pay for. The only downside I can see is that it will presumably use up some of OPs annual leave.

I would tell him your parents have invited you on holiday and you would like to go with the children but it’s up to him if he joins you for part of it or all of it.

I can understand he finds them overbearing. My MIL is the outspoken type and I’ve never bonded with her. However, your parents have been very generous with the free childcare etc so it’s a shame if he can’t put up with them for short amounts of time for your sake.

It's not wrong for the parents to offer a holiday. It's really weird for one half of a married couple to say yes and keep it a secret.

Do not say this.

"We're going, you can come too if you want". What sort of message is that to give your partner over a summer holiday.

By the sounds of it you haven't planned or booked anything else yet. I'd just say "Mum and Dad have booked a cottage again and would like us to come" and see what he says. Of he's not keen then's the time to suggest you could go with the DCs but also suggest somewhere with just the four of you (assuming you have enough annual leave)