Dreading telling DH about holiday with parents

[Neverwasaraisingirl]

Last summer we were really hard up and my parents kindly booked a cottage in a nearby coastal area for them, me, DH and our two children (6 and 2). I was a bit nervous about telling DH of our plans as he doesn’t always get on brilliantly with my parents. His own parents are very hands off, while mine live close and help us a lot with childcare, let us stay there when our boiler broke, give lifts, generally always willing to lend a hand. He was okay with the holiday last year - mostly because we had no way of paying for our own holiday and he was so busy with some last minute freelance work that came in he only came for the first and last bit (it was a week-long holiday, he came for 2 nights at the start and then went home and returned for the end) He was sad to leave us when he went home.

Now fast forward to this year. My mum wanted to do the same thing again, different location, but still close to home. We discussed it around Christmas time and she wanted to get on and book somewhere. She did it and I thought I’d tell DH soon… but somehow I haven’t got round to it yet. He has a job now and is making decent money again. My parents would expect us to pay as we’re still getting back on our feet after last year and we might want to book our own holiday - not that we have done this yet. DH is not very happy in his new job and is dealing with the business he tried to set up not working out, which I get is hard. So basically now I’m in a stupid situation of my own making. I chickened out of telling him back when my mum booked it and now it’s getting on for time and I really need to tell him and I just can’t think how to do it where he won’t be annoyed I’ve left it this long. Obviously I’m concerned he won’t want to go in the first place. If I’m really honest with myself I think that’s why I didn’t tell him back at the start - I didn’t want to hear how he doesn’t want to go and then have to find a way to say that to my mum. I know that was wrong as he he is allowed to not want to go. But what do I do now?!!!

OK, but then he's going to have to do a lot more childcare, or pay for it, same with babysitting.

And you know, OP might like her parents - I quite like mine, so do my kids.

We discussed it around Christmas time and she wanted to get on and book somewhere. She did it and I thought I’d tell DH soon… but somehow I haven’t got round to it yet

This sounds like pressure to me! OP's mum no doubt means well but she booked the holiday before OP had discussed it with DH.

DH may be happy for his wife and DCs to swan off on a free holiday - or he might be massively pissed off that the whole thing has been organised months ago, behind his back, and that everyone seems to think the best outcome is leaving him at home on his own!

OP needs to woman up, apologise that it's taken her so long to bring up the subject and they decide together what to do now.

I'd just tell him it was booked and that I was going with the kids, but as he didn't seem to enjoy himself and found it difficult to come due to work last time he had the option whether or not to join us.

My parents often did things separately with their own parents/family and were happily married for 50+ years.

Your parents are giving you support with strings attached. Your Mum booking a cottage without running any of it past you and husband as a unit is overstepping. Politely put boundaries in place with your Mum. And do not discuss so much of your marriage with your parents. It destroys the trust in your relationship with your husband. Put your big girl pants on and face your mother. You are not to be the passive peacemaker

Did your parents do these things without talking about it first though?

As has been said, had he been told before it was arranged, he might have been perfectly happy for her to go on her own. He might even have suggested it.

Presenting it to him now as a thing that is happening, like it or not, is extremely different.

This is NOT as big a deal as you think it is. What on earth are PPs on about telling you this needs to be a serious conversation and you need to look hard at your relationship?

Say this:
Hey DH, Mum had mentioned taking another holiday with us this summer and it turns out she has booked and paid for a week in X on Y dates. Sounds great to me!
What do you think? Can you take the time off to join us, or would you rather save your leave and we book another week ourselves elsewhere?

If he wants to come, he comes.
If not, he works.

And if he wants to go on holiday again with you and the kids he can go ahead and book something that works for his budget and schedule.

Not necessarily, it just wasn't a big deal. What @CarraghInish said.

Just say that but add these important words:

"What do you think? Is there any reason we shouldn't go? If we do, can you take the time off to join us, or would you rather save your leave and we book another week ourselves elsewhere?"

Really. They just booked things months ahead and didn't tell one another?

I think it's far more likely that every time they did something, they had discussed it first. You wouldn't be aware of it. And there were probably times when one suggested something and the other did say "Oh, that doesn't work for me", and it didn't happen.

Perfect example of how there’s no such thing as free childcare! It can’t be a huge surprise he doesn’t want to spend precious limited annual leave with his opinionated in laws that he knows don’t like him much…?! Of course it’s out of order to do this behind his back. Time to come clean and accept it if he’s upset- it’s the deceit more than anything. You’re supposed to be a team so unilateral decisions aren’t acceptable. Sometimes you have to have the tough conversations!

He sounds very ungrateful a free holiday for his whole family,…

Go with the children, if he doesn’t want to.

You need to talk to both sides.
From your DH's side, he's done the hols with your parents... but now he's earning again he was looking forward to having an independent family holiday.. but you and your parents have gone ahead and organised it ( which I also understand as these things need to be booked or nothing happens.

If it doesn't use too much annual leave, then do what you did before and he goes for a day or two, but then gets some of this backlog you spoke of dealt with, in peace.
Apologise for not mentioning it sooner ?

But also, you should speak to your parents about their forthright comments. Esp if your DH doesn't come from that type of family culture, its really really hard work - a week might seem like an eternity. I KNOW whereof I speak!
Holidays should be time to get away from it all, including in laws you see very frequently and just have time with your own family unit where you can relax.
.. They need to reign in the comments. You love them, you love them helping you and interacting with the GCs but you and DH are both adults now and can think for yourselves without a flow of comments, which might be well meaning but can come across as hyper critical, which can be annoying.
Also point out to DH that they do so much to help you both and are great with the GCs, so its a situation you really value.
He's had a tough year by the sounds of it.. so some time off from a stressful holiday.

Think of this as a chance to have some really constructive conversation with both sides, rather than a guilty confession. Be in charge of what you want to say and how you want to say it. Don't let it turn into a row.

Agreed 100%.

The double standards on MN are as predictable as they are ridiculous.

They certainly wouldn't be so afraid to approach the other that it wouldn't get mentioned for months. But they would make arrangements and then check in with the other later. Which is what I do with DH and vice versa, I don't run past him whether I can go on a work trip first, I say to work I can go and then work out the arrangements with DH after.

This is the way. And don't expect him to come along. Don't do this again

Work is very different.

The idea that she was afraid to approach him is reading something into it that isn't there. I read it far more as she didn't want to upset her mother by saying he/they didn't want to come. Why would he react badly to be told at the outset "Oh, my parents have invited us again, shall we go?"

There are two part to this. Firstly I find it concerning you are so worried and scared about telling him. That’s not a healthy thing in a relationship. Even if they have a strained relationship you should be able to talk with your husband without fear. Why are you scared? Will he shout? Sulk?

secondly I’d be annoyed if a partner booked a holiday without discussion with me personally. I think you can’t force him to go but equally if you want to go he shouldn’t be able to force you to stay. Maybe when you tell him say it’s optional that he comes?

My relationship with most of DH's family is okay, but I still would not choose to go on holiday with them for a week or more. I might be persuaded, if asked to do a long weekend. However, this is the point. I am not being asked. I am being told that a holiday has been arranged and my options are to come or not come. Though not coming might then be used against me by the in-laws and I might get questions around why I do not want to come, and I suspect that I am spoiling things for the kids in not coming (conscious I am projecting a bit here). I think I would start be apologising to DH. Then see what can be done from there. You should support whatever he now wants to do.

This is how I read it. I was always nervous broaching family events with my DH because my mother was overbearing (and would get drunk and difficult) I wasn’t nervous that DH wouldn’t come, I completely understand why he wouldn’t want to. I was nervous of my DMs reaction which would be so negative around him not attending. Sometimes I also put off telling my DH.

I now do trips on my own with my mother because as the kids get older, they don’t particularly want to spend a lot of time with her either

I'd be really annoyed if I was in your DH's position.
This should have been discussed with him first.
When your mother first suggested you should have said that you would have to discuss it with DH first and that you'd get back to her. Not let her go ahead and book things. She has overstepped the mark here and you let her.

I would tell him about it and phrase it as you and the children are going and that of course he's invited too but if he isn't able to get time off work, or only wants to come for a couple of days or not at all then that's fine.
And then talk about booking a family holiday where you are all together without your mother.

Also, this needs to stop this year. You need to put boundaries in place with your mother. It's set a prescedent now and it will be difficult to break out of. No holidays booked without discussion with DH first. Family holiday - you, DH and children takes priority over any extra holiday with your parents and the family holiday will be booked first and only then can you discuss whether you'd also go with your parents and when this would be.

I think you've shot yourself in the foot majorly here by not telling him earlier. I'd just be honest and say you didn't tell him because you were nervous about how he'd react and so you put it off. But you want to be more honest with him in future and you know this was wrong. I would say you say you and the kids are planning to go but would love him to join if he's keen to. I do think though you should NEVER have let your mum book without having had the conversation in advance, I'd be furious if my partner did this to me. It's very selfish.

I also think you need to have a word with them about how pushy they are with the two of you. I would be very annoyed about ILs foisting their opinions on me and especially if I was of a family where that was unusual and I was stuck on holiday with them.

Just tell the truth!!! No need for all this faffing about.

I think the difference is that if the man did this then generally the expectation from him would be that the woman would of course be coming along to provide childcare, cooking and organisation. Unlike in OPs case where her and the kids going alone is an option.

I saw it differently tbh, I think OP is afraid of upsetting/disagreeing with her parents. Otherwise she would have just told her mum that she wasn't sure about the holiday or would think about it and let her know, or that she needs to discuss it with DH first. Perhaps she's afraid of losing their help, I'm not sure but if they don't get on with DH I can understand him not wanting to go on holiday with them.

I just think, in a normal healthy adult relationship, the conversation would be had at the time of the mum suggesting it, and be resolved then. Even if OP doesn’t want to upset her mum, her and her DH are meant to be a team. Discuss it, agree approach, tell her mum. Coming onto an online forum to discuss how to approach something like this after 3 months of not mentioning it is not a normal relationship in my view.