Dreading telling DH about holiday with parents

[Neverwasaraisingirl]

Last summer we were really hard up and my parents kindly booked a cottage in a nearby coastal area for them, me, DH and our two children (6 and 2). I was a bit nervous about telling DH of our plans as he doesn’t always get on brilliantly with my parents. His own parents are very hands off, while mine live close and help us a lot with childcare, let us stay there when our boiler broke, give lifts, generally always willing to lend a hand. He was okay with the holiday last year - mostly because we had no way of paying for our own holiday and he was so busy with some last minute freelance work that came in he only came for the first and last bit (it was a week-long holiday, he came for 2 nights at the start and then went home and returned for the end) He was sad to leave us when he went home.

Now fast forward to this year. My mum wanted to do the same thing again, different location, but still close to home. We discussed it around Christmas time and she wanted to get on and book somewhere. She did it and I thought I’d tell DH soon… but somehow I haven’t got round to it yet. He has a job now and is making decent money again. My parents would expect us to pay as we’re still getting back on our feet after last year and we might want to book our own holiday - not that we have done this yet. DH is not very happy in his new job and is dealing with the business he tried to set up not working out, which I get is hard. So basically now I’m in a stupid situation of my own making. I chickened out of telling him back when my mum booked it and now it’s getting on for time and I really need to tell him and I just can’t think how to do it where he won’t be annoyed I’ve left it this long. Obviously I’m concerned he won’t want to go in the first place. If I’m really honest with myself I think that’s why I didn’t tell him back at the start - I didn’t want to hear how he doesn’t want to go and then have to find a way to say that to my mum. I know that was wrong as he he is allowed to not want to go. But what do I do now?!!!

Why would you book a family holiday without discussing it with your partner first? I don’t understand this at all… I wouldn’t even book a holiday for just me, my partner and child without discussing it with my partner first because I would want to know if it is what he wanted too as it would be all of our holidays not just mine and our child’s… I most definitely wouldn’t plan a holiday with my parents without his knowledge and I really hope he also wouldn’t do this with his!!

Because she values the feelings and opinions of her mother more than those of her DH.

And she knows she's done wrong, not for the first time, so doesn't want to have to tell him because she knows he's sick to the back teeth of this type of thing from her.

I would be pissed if dh tried to just announce we were holidaying with his parents. Especially as his mother sounds like yours. Can’t keep her mouth shut and has an opinion on bloody everything that has zero concern to her.

I wouldn’t be going, our children are older and would likely vote with their feet too, they find her just as overbearing and interfering.

Though wonder how you’d react to your dh just deciding you where all going with his parents and just announcing it like it was the weekly shopping trip.

I think if your parents really had your best interests at heart, like really, really, they wouldn’t want to fuck with your marriage like this. Your mother would be respectful of your husband, keep her opinions to herself, and would encourage and support you to work with him as a team, not to collude in a destructive way. You didn’t tell him because you knew he wouldn’t like it. I think the childcare strings are making her a bit entitled. I think you need to start being an adult in your own life.

I can see why your husband would not want to spend his holiday with your mum. However if this trip isn’t eating into your money or annual leave then I don’t see why your husband should be overly cross about it. I certainly wouldn’t expect him to come though.

The main issue is why didn’t you speak to your husband before it was even booked. When your mum brought it up your answer should have been I’ll speak husband and let you know.

I would be furious is my husband simply told me we were going. I definitely not be going.

Do you have issues saying no to your mum/dad?

If a guy put his parents before his wife, he’d be ripped to shreds. DH should come first. He’s the family that should matter and agreeing a holiday, relegating him to a place of unimportance in the decision is out of order.

No the children should come first

Oh dear.... Not helpful but I would be mightily pissed off if my DH presented me with this scenario at the last minute....... (I'm not keen on my ILs either tbf)

As long as you aren’t eating into your annual leave thus reducing the ability to have time off on another date, then you can go with your parents and kids and leave him to join full or part. No pressure. And are your parents paying?

You need to ask why you have concealed this? Your parents seem really helpful and your DH needs to be more grateful. Why doesn’t he get on with them? Are there things you can set out as ground rules with both parties? Eg some couple time or some days just you him kids. But overall I think you both need to be more gracious both during the rest of the year and on holiday.

whatever, you don’t blame your parents for your predicament- this is on you.

This will now be something that your parents will want to do every year. You should take the kids and leave your husband at home if he doesn’t want to go.

My lovely DH got on with my parents when they were alive but never felt he could truly relax unless it was just us and DS.

I think your DH may feel that he has to be on best behaviour rather than just being able to fully have a holiday. You need to tell him and apologize that they didn't really consult you either. You could go without him, or tell him that you'll ask your parents to babysit so you can have time alone together.

OP, first, you need to fess up and apologize to your DH. You know his level of discomfort with your parents and you still agreed to this behind his back. That is pretty deceitful. You will need to stop excluding him from decisions related to your nuclear family.

I understand that your mother has a “strong personality” and you have been trained your whole life to obey her. Now, you need to work very hard on stopping that behavior. You made vows to create a new family with your DH and he needs to be your partner in decision making.

From now on, every time your mother wants to make plans with your nuclear family, your answer needs to be “Please send me the details so DH and I can see if this works for our family, and I will get back to you”. Say this every time. Do not through your DH under the bus and blame him for declining any invitations. Instead, say “That just doesn’t work for our family at this time”.

You also need to have a chat with your mom about keeping her opinions to herself. If she feels entitled to having input in your nuclear family because she provides free childcare, it’s time to make other arrangements. Again, do not blame your husband. You ultimately want him to have a good relationship with your mom and vice versa. Something like “Mom, we are so thankful for all of the help and care you provide our family. We really want to make our time together as enjoyable as possible. I know you mean well with your advice and opinions, but I would rather you not offer it unsolicited. I feel like I can always come to you and will continue to do so when I need your advice.” Then make sure you do go to her and ask her advice periodically for things that don’t involve your DH.

I get that you feel like you are in the middle between your mom and DH, but you should be firmly with your DH. Hopefully, once your DH sees you advocating for him without blaming him, he will be more comfortable around your relatives. My in-laws are actually pretty terrible to me, and I can’t relax around them, but I’m willing to spend limited amounts of time with them because my DH strongly advocates for me and has my back.