Dreading telling DH about holiday with parents

[Neverwasaraisingirl]

Last summer we were really hard up and my parents kindly booked a cottage in a nearby coastal area for them, me, DH and our two children (6 and 2). I was a bit nervous about telling DH of our plans as he doesn’t always get on brilliantly with my parents. His own parents are very hands off, while mine live close and help us a lot with childcare, let us stay there when our boiler broke, give lifts, generally always willing to lend a hand. He was okay with the holiday last year - mostly because we had no way of paying for our own holiday and he was so busy with some last minute freelance work that came in he only came for the first and last bit (it was a week-long holiday, he came for 2 nights at the start and then went home and returned for the end) He was sad to leave us when he went home.

Now fast forward to this year. My mum wanted to do the same thing again, different location, but still close to home. We discussed it around Christmas time and she wanted to get on and book somewhere. She did it and I thought I’d tell DH soon… but somehow I haven’t got round to it yet. He has a job now and is making decent money again. My parents would expect us to pay as we’re still getting back on our feet after last year and we might want to book our own holiday - not that we have done this yet. DH is not very happy in his new job and is dealing with the business he tried to set up not working out, which I get is hard. So basically now I’m in a stupid situation of my own making. I chickened out of telling him back when my mum booked it and now it’s getting on for time and I really need to tell him and I just can’t think how to do it where he won’t be annoyed I’ve left it this long. Obviously I’m concerned he won’t want to go in the first place. If I’m really honest with myself I think that’s why I didn’t tell him back at the start - I didn’t want to hear how he doesn’t want to go and then have to find a way to say that to my mum. I know that was wrong as he he is allowed to not want to go. But what do I do now?!!!

But that's not quite true. They use OPs parents for childcare, they moved in with them when their boiler broke, they went on holiday with them last year. They are still very much involved in OPs family. I don't know anyone who would just cut their parents off because they have found a man and got married. My kids have always benefitted hugely by having a close relationship with my parents and I hope that, if they have children, I will be allowed to have a close relationship with my grandkids too. This whole idea that you have a core family and everyone else can do one is so insular and egotistical.

She's "scared" of admitting to him she's done something she knows is shit. There's absolutely no reason to read anything else into it. Nobody likes to admit they've been an idiot.

There's a lot of ground between "put your partner and children before your parents" and "cut your parents off". Why try and make it so binary?

I think this is the same as the ‘only our little family at Christmas’ people !!

We will all be in laws/ parents of adults at some stage

I didn't say there wasn't room for both.

Hurrah for common sense 👆

Are you me? My partner has very tense relationship with my parents. My parents, on the other hand, absolutely love spending time with my partner, so it is a bit tough to navigate. What helped a bit (I still find their relationship stressful) is that I don't expect him to attend anything anymore. So let him know you and the kids agreed to go, and he's very welcome to come if he wants.

No, but they cease to be the most important people in your family. Your priorities move on, and as parents they should expect and want that, even though theirs might not.

It's one of the core things about having kids that you know you won't always be the most important people in their lives, although they might remain the most important in yours.

What a shame that your DH doesn't get on with your parents. It sounds like you would really love a holiday with the three generations altogether, which I completely get. I can see how this has happened. You want the holiday, you know he doesn't and there is going to be a disagreement and potentially the holiday will be at risk. If he doesn't want to take the time off work, can you go with the children and leave him at home? I think he sounds quite selfish.

These a whole heap of not communicating going on here. Secrecy and hiding things while you try to manage your dh and your parents.
This is entirely dysfunctional and needs a sit down conversation. Perhaps first with dh to explain they want you to go on holiday with them but you understand he doesn’t feel very close to them and that’s ok.
Then to your parents to establish boundaries, to explain that dh doesn’t want to go away with in laws and would rather have a family holiday.
Right now you are caught in the middle and you are desperately trying to please everyone. It seems growing up with a strong and opinionated mother and perhaps marrying a similar character in your dh, your stuck in a child like place trying to people please and manage their feelings.

Stop. Think about what you want then communicate.

If you know your DH takes a tense view to things involving your parents, why on earth would you agree to a holiday with them behind his back?

I'm sorry as this won't make you less worried but if I was him I'd be furious. He is your family now, yes they still are too but this will feel like you've chosen them over him. Come clean now.

Just say my parents have booked another holiday this year for us, me and the kids will go but I know you weren't happy about it last year. We'd love you to come but if you don't want to, or to come all of it, we can say your work can't give the annual leave.

My husband took the kids away for a week once it was bliss. I got so much done and enjoyed the peace and quiet.

I'd emphasize this scenario to him.

You made it binary by saying you have a new family and now, and they are not it. Of course her parents are still her family. My parents are still my family, so are my siblings and their kids. Family is more than just the few people you live with and for most people everyone within your family matters and there is no need for a hierarchy because there isn't a pecking order.

If OP and her kids wants to go on holiday with her parents, why should her DH put a stop to that? Then she is putting one persons wish over hers, her kids and her parents.

Tell him you and kids are going with your parents and you'd like it if he comes but understand if he can't. Then you and he can go together somewhere with kids later in the year?

The problem with that is can they afford to pay for two holidays? MIL wants him to pay this time.

I'm sorry, but this is the worst advice imaginable.

Confronting your partner with a fait accompli you have arranged without speaking to them in the full knowledge they will be against it is just no kind of way to conduct a relationship.

Why should the OP and her DC not enjoy a holiday because her DH doesn’t like her patents. That’s nonsense trad wife stuff.

If her DH won’t go on holiday then fine but OP shouldn’t be ruled by his likes/dislikes

I disagree that there is no hierarchy or pecking order. I would never in a million years ask my partner to choose between me and his parents, but if he ever had to I would expect to be his first choice.

I know of someone who ended their own life because of a situation where they felt so torn between their parents and their partner (who didn't get on) and were afraid to choose one over the other. Choosing your partner, who is the person you literally chose in life (you did not choose your parents) is absolutely fine and, in my opinion, correct.

Wow that's a leap.

From the sound of things it looks like her DH has valid reasons to be wary about her parents especially her mother who seems to interfere and make judgemental comments in exchange for free childcare and other support.

OP seems unable to cut the apron strings and is prioritizing keeping her mother happy to avoid losing free childcare but somehow her husband is awful and trying to alienate her from her parents?

People who use the fact that you're dependent on them as a pass to says whatever they want to you are just controlling obnoxious people and OP sounds so weak she can't event standup to her mother for fear of losing the free childcare. I can only imagine the type of things she tells OP given she is more "forthright" with her.

It’s not going to go away, so you do need to tell him soon. Of course you should have discussed at the time, but with the dynamic I get why you didn’t (probably wanted to pick your moment, not spoil Christmas, then new year, etc etc) as you know already he wouldn’t have wanted to go, and you’re stuck in the middle, feeling you can please no one. Personally at this point I would be as honest as possible.There’s going to be lots of ‘clashes’ by the sounds of it in the future to navigate, and it won’t get better over time without maybe being a bit more open now. Hope it works ok for you all.

Why don't you just tell your husband your parents have booked the same again and you are really looking forward to going. Then it is up to him whether or not he joins you, it's not compulsory. He'll accept that, especially as he has a lot on his mind at the moment with work, will probably be glad that he doesn't have to worry about arranging a holiday for you and the children.

That argument might hold some weight if OP had discussed this with her DH before agreeing to it. As it stands she's gone behind his back, her reasons for wanting to go on the holiday aren't really relevant anymore.

Who is expected to pay for this?
if my husband spend our holiday budget on a holiday with his parents that I didn't want to go on and wasn't consulted about. I'd be furious.
It's very selfish and harmful to your marriage. Say no to your parents next year.

They are not the new family.

Of course there's a hierarchy.

You have no idea what the kids want; and what her parents want is not as important as them making a decision as a couple.

The OP realises she's fucked up here; something that half the people commenting seem unable to comprehend.