EBSA support thread 2

[Luddite26]

Hopefully this links to Brambley Hedges EBSA support thread.
A community to discuss the processes and support each other when children are experiencing Emotionally Based School Avoidance.

Thanks for the new thread, wishing everyone well

Thank you Luddite.

Just checking in for now, catch you soon x

Hello, can I join you all? My daughter has been off since December 2024, and is now under a psychiatrist for ASD, OCD and severe anxiety. It's so very hard. Her school are being very supportive, it's just causing her so much angst that we can't get her in, even on a very reduced timetable.

ApoodlecalledPenny very sorry to hear that. It’s very hard for all of you. Is this primary or secondary school? Good that they are being supportive.

Looking forward to catching up with everyone and really hope the Spring is going to lift us all up a bit. It seems to have been a very long Winter. It's feeling wonderful leaving the house on a morning seeing the daybreak.🌝

Sorry to read your post @ApoodlecalledPenny hope you can get some support from others here. There is a lot to go at on the last thread. You are not alone.💐

Thanks for the new thread!

News for us is that we have the EHCP draft on the way...was meant to be sent Friday but the caseworker didn't attach it with all the assessment reports etc...i had a conversation with her and told her I can't possibly name a school as she won't engage with it at all still, and as stated in all the reports, she needs something at home...I'm playing dumb when I talk to her, because I think it might benefit me to keep my cards close...she said cost up a personal budget instead.

I have a few things on my list, just getting prices for things now. So infuriating that the only child free time I have for the next two weeks is now gone and I couldn't do as I planned and go through the draft but I'll be having strong words on Monday with the caseworker!

Sorry to crash in, I came near to having a school refuser back in primary but thankfully we managed to intervene and sort things out but it opened my eyes as did her other issues as to the lack of any safety net or process kicking into place.
Then I also realised how much depends on each individual teacher

I have worked in education since then up until early last year when I had to leave I couldn't tolerate it any more and a staff member had a school refuser. I was on the ehcp side of things and what astonishes me is in one department you have staff who don't know what an ehcp is when they get a child with one they don't read it at all. Some even boast about this.
There is little understanding or compassion toward any dc with any needs.
We did have pastoral support but they seemed to have to battle against constant ignorance from the teachers.
I feel sorry for those trying to get ehcp and they are definitely worth while but please do remember many teachers have absolutely no understanding of what they are and how to support the child.
It amazes me at our work the person with the school refuser had been really hot when the school used to fuck up but seems to be totally passive about what happened at work?

There seems to be disconnect between the power to improve things where work happens and her child's school experience.
It's not her role to change the system but I think it will get better if we all chip in when we can. Otherwise why would it change for her child your child mine or anyone else's?

Anyway sorry to but in I'm probably repeating something that's been said many times before.

Thank you for new thread. I was on the previous one as a mum of two daughters both of whom suffering with EBSA.

Good news is both girls now have their EHCPs. DD10 has since been diagnosed with ADHD and we are trialling meds, still very suffering with emetophobia though. DD15 has managed to go in for one hour here and there. She has some maths online tuition funded via her EHCP but she HATES it and says it’s too different and makes her feel anxious. Don’t feel like I can win!

other positives are DD10 stayed TWO WHOLE HOURS for PE outside the other day! WITHOUT ME! I was so shocked. She is doing really well though I’m aware we will still have bad days too.. DD15 has her ASD assessment on Thursday so it will be interesting to hear the outcome.

I hope everyone is doing OK.

@Icantpeopleanymore glad to see things are seemingly moving forward. How has DD been? I went in a shop called Sostrene Grene and thought about your DD. Don't know whether you have one near you it's online as well.
Have you had any of the Artful subscription boxes - apparent art school in a box. If not you could cast your professional eye on them there are some unboxing videos on YouTube.
Don't know whether they would be any good for her EHCP.

Your post is positive @fedup1212 .
Hopefully a smooth run to Easter is on the cards. Obviously not an overnight miracle but any step forward is great to hear.💐

@Diorchristian thankyou very much for your insightful contribution. I feel there seems to be quite a backlash towards supporting children with extra needs right now in schools. It feels like the decline has happened along with the decline in funding over the years. It's a mess. At least you bare witness to the reality as parents often feel they are being gaslighted by everyone.💐
I had been a school governor for 12 years up to 2010 and even then there was a backlash from some staff and parents but a lot worse now.

@Luddite26 oh that's so sweet of you to think of us! I will take a look, definitely. I've got a good long list of provisions now to take to a meeting next week. Got the EHCP but it's an absolute load of shite quite frankly...🤦

I'm really overwhelmed and very very tired, but we are doing ok. She has up and down days. Some days she wanders around in her pants and a t shirt, no shower, no speaking.. some days she won't leave me alone. Baking and crafts still high on the agenda.

Still, I actually am grateful when she does walk round half dressed as I can see she hasn't been self harming. Small mercies.

She's excited as we have our first 'date' with an owner and her two dogs on Saturday from borrow my doggy...😂

Hoping to do a walk once a week and maybe look after them a bit too whilst the owner is at work.

First thing she's agreed to do so it's something. And her guitar teacher managed to get her to perform on camera for me the other day. I cried a lot. He gets it and is so good with her.

Hope everyone else is doing ok x

Hi all, I've been slow to reply. I love having this thread but it is not always easy to post on.

DS is in Y11 so we are on the countdown to end of school. Mentally not his best but he is clinging on. Managed to sit some mocks and did vey well but he's at his limit with a handful of hours of learning a week, only in school, no homework or revision. We are really struggling to balance his needs with his sister's. She is overwhelmed too with A levels approaching. Both want to be kind to the other but neither really has the capacity to be flexible without turning inwards on themselves and bashing their head against a wall. Reducing demands is all very well but often reducing demand on one person means increasing demand on someone else.

@Diorchristian thanks for your insight, I'm sorry you had to leave your job. School can be just so brutal.

@Icantpeopleanymore sounds like progress. Are you going for EOTAS? It woul be good if they were on the hook for delivery rather than you, though that can be more frustrating in other ways. Our LA has been a bit problematic lately on paying out for PBs and transport to parents so be wary until you see the money. The dog walking sounds like a great plan.

@fedup1212 loving the wins! The autism assessment will hopefully be another step forward. It's a lot to have hanging over her - nice to see it resolved.

@ApoodlecalledPenny welcome. That sounds so very hard.

I’ve been hovering on these threads for a while and have taken so much advice from them- the relief when I discovered other people get it.
We have a Y10 who hasn’t really been in school since Feb Y9. We thought it came from nowhere but now appreciate the masking. She’s been open to CAMHS for 2 years, self harming, anxiety, and now on the neuro dev pathway for ASD & ADHD.
Lots of strategies tried- school have been great. Has been at a specialist provision on mental health grounds since Nov 24, managed one day. Now on 2 sessions of tutoring per week initially at home and, at her request, it moved back to the specialist school- although nowhere near anything that looks like a classroom. The specialist provision sorted it. Some weeks she can do both, some weeks she can do one.
We successfully secured an EHCP and the flakey content has now been strengthened. After a significant period of recovery there was recent self harming- she felt the pressure of conversations about education again.
We are now really strong on boundaries for our family and low demand for her is a priority- might not be what everyone thinks, but it’s what she needs.
She agreed to visit some other specialist provisions but just couldn’t get there- too anxious.
We are requesting EOTAS and have just received an email to complete the documents. Hearing all kinds of stories of children who cannot leave the house being turned down but hey ho, we’ve got here, we’ll keep going.
The miracles this week are that she managed tutoring and the dentist on the same day (adamant she wasn’t going), then took herself out for a long walk yesterday. The day before she locked herself out and problem solved with no drama. That involved her having to collect the key from her brother from the school she cannot attend. Our therapist explained about where her brain needed to be to be able to problem solve- which supports the progress she’s made.
It’s exhausting and relentless but there are green shoots. The slightest activity related to education wipes her out and she sleeps for hours afterwards.
Me & my husband are in therapy and it’s been amazing in helping us reframe our approach. Low demand is my new mantra.
As you will all recognise- this is an abridged version of the last two years battles 😆
Wishing you all strength as this is a tough gig for everyone connected and close by.

It's really good to read some positives @Icantpeopleanymore
Things seem to be moving forward at least. You haven't really had any choice but to push for the EHCP I hope you can get more of what you need than what they want you to have next week. Fingers crossed for something like a breakthrough.
Rest and revival with chocolate at Easter hopefully.
The dog borrowing sounds fab. With self harm you have to throw away the book and live on a wing and a prayer.💐

Thank you @Patiencerunningthin for your post, it's really helpful to hear others stories. We are 6 months out of school and as you say there are green shoots.

I'm currently in my bedroom in the dark because I just can't do much more, spent the day teaching and being mum to loads of my boys at school about to do their exams in art, stayed late to do amendments to the EHCP draft because I can't do it at home with her here....and then home to an absolute state of a kitchen because DD has been baking, then requests for junk food so off to the shops, trying to clean the kitchen but she's taken it upon herself to cook said junk food (we call it floor picnic...food ate on the living room floor, minimal cooking, they love it) and I wasn't allowed to clean up because it makes her feel bad that she's caused me work..so she stands and stares at me until I move 🤯

So I've poured a gin and I'm sat in the dark letting her get on with it.

Positive is she left my side in the shop to get the food, she's cooking, she's showered and she does realise when I get home to a mess she might need to take some responsibility.

More gin needed though...once she's in bed I'll have to do more work on the EHCP.

@Piony yes, EOTAS. I've made a personal budget document, 17 grand...but cheaper than specialist! Which I've been advised the draft sounds like, although I know they'll try mainstream.

She's not going to any school, not now. I kind of think I'm not putting all my effort into the DHCP once I've appealed. I'll try to provide what I can afford in the meantime and keep pushing for section 19. All I can do.

@Piony I really hope your ds can get through this looming hurdle.And have some breathing space. Hopefully a lift for the whole household untill the next hurdle. What are dd's plans for September?
What are DS's thoughts for September?💐

A win today...met a dog owner with two gorgeous pooches, we are going to slowly build up to taking them for her once a week to give them some company whilst she's at work...her daughter was out of school around the same age as DD and has a PA and EOTAS, autistic too...it was lovely as she talked openly about it and normalised it, DD did a bit of clamming up when it was mentioned but then happily came for a walk with a complete stranger! It's like fate that we are in similar positions but she's further down the road than me.
i keep drip feeding education stuff like a cake decorating course I found...I'll try to reintroduce the idea but got to pick my moments. Also bought a week of hello fresh to get her to do some cooking on my longer work day, she picked the recipes so that's hopefully going to keep her busy.
I told her today I have a meeting Wednesday to talk to the LA to tell them she's not going to any school and that I want them to pay for some education when she's ready for it, she climbed up but we were in the car and it was fine, listening to music and singing along straight after. All good stuff.

@Icantpeopleanymore that sounds fabulous!

@Luddite26 DD is hoping to move away for uni, and is looking on track for that. We hope DS will get the grades for some A levels but doesn't feel up to them, so fingers crossed he has a place in a small sixth form to do a level 2 course aimed at students with SEN. Trying to keep it low demand (or as low demand as a whole new college can be!) and then see what he feels up to in 2026. Whether he manages to attend is a whole other question. Still all being sorted as we have had EHCP battles.

He is struggling to see the "why" I think, and what do you say to that when he is terrified of being an adult and having to get a job? The better results he gets, the more the demand go up.

And back down to earth with a thump, DD in bed all day the last two days, barely moved. Did eat eventually when I got home after she wouldn't answer the phone and I drove home in a panic... wouldn't go to her dad's, barely spoken all day.

Just a bloody rollercoaster. I feel so bad for her, but the holiday coming up will help a bit, always does, even though she's not in school. I wonder sometimes how much contact she has with the ex friends and if they're excitedly talking about year 10 work experience and exams. She might just be on a WhatsApp group and seeing it all from a distance, which would do it.

Meeting about her EHCP tomorrow. Hoping they correct my amendments and get on with consulting schools, which will hopefully say no.

@Patiencerunningthin
Sorry to hear of your troubles. I too have been hovering over these threads recently. Won’t detail current situation today but am interested to know what therapy you have done with your husband? Mine is still convinced we need to be harder on our DD12 to get her back into school but I read info obsessively online and I know that EBSA is not behavioural and that punishing her will only increase the trauma I think it would be a good idea for us to do therapy together to know how best to support her within the family but don’t know where to start. Dd is diagnosed ADHD and ASD and has PDA profile. Been NFIS for last 2.5/3 years but has got much worse since September last year when she moved schools.

I hope you are all managing a bit of a break over the holiday, especially @Icantpeopleanymore. Have you managed another dog walk?

We are 9 weeks from finishing school. Small matter of a few exams to get through first, then a looong summer ahead. Feel like we are in a parallel universe when sibling and peers are concentrating on revision.

@EggShells1972 We’ve done 3 sessions of DDP (dydactic developmental psychotherapy) (might not have spelt the first D correctly). It’s been facilitated very skilfully and helped us remind ourselves of some stuff, validated where we are at, and given a space to be honest about some of the more uncomfortable emotions around this- embarrassment, guilt, shame, disappointment. It’s funded through the Adoption Support Fund so we’re just waiting to find out if we can continue this financial year as there have been significant funding cuts.
We are a good team, my husband and I, and usually on the same page. Even when we’re not, we give the other one space to be angry, annoyed, frustrated…..then we start again. It is exhausting though, no doubt about it.
In other news, we’ve not rushed to fill in the EOTAS form- no reason other than life is busy. Today I had a call from a SEMH provision who can offer a bespoke 1:1 mentoring service. I contacted this provider back in Feb but they never called back. They’ve had the EHCP through to consider from the LA and the phone call today was triggered by that. It has potential and less of an expectation that she attends a ‘provision’ daily. I’ve arranged a visit early May so will need to do some coaching leading up to that to encourage number 1 child to come with us.
It’s so nice to be in the holiday period- no pressure. She’s a different kid.

Thank you for the info @Patiencerunningthin it’s really helpful. I feel the same during the holidays, the anxiety is still there but nothing like as bad as during term time. I hope it all goes well for you and the children. Glad to hear you and your husband are a good team - we’re working on that bit. Not really on same page….yet!